Feel like a bit of a numbskull posting this!!
Split up with my girlfriend after 13 years!! ... I doted on & truly loved her.
I instigated it because it's what she wanted, i always gave her what she wanted! .. I'm having real problems coping with it!
We were always very happy but grew apart due to her work. (She started lying about stuff, going missing for days!! .. Obviously it wasn't 'work' .. i didn't want to know!).
I'm a musician & have travelled the world. I was never away from home for really long periods of time though, so that was never an issue.
I 'always' remained faithful, despite what was laid in front of me (quite literally) ... more the fool me??!!!
All the hopes & dreams i held no longer exist.
Suffered from depression for years but refuse to take any more med's. I'd rather be myself (whatever that is?).
I'm now 45 years old & probably far too oversensitive!
Attempted suicide once & failed!!
I've had a few very low points in my life but things have truly descended lately & the options for a 'future' seem non-existant.
I was never a 'drinker' but have started drowning myself & to be honest, i can't see any option in front of me than the obvious.

I am so sorry you are hurting right now and for the loss of your relationship. I know what you mean when you say you initiated the break up. I also had someone that I cared for who was either too gutless or felt too guilty to do it himself.
So.. I released him from his promises and I released myself from a stagnant relationship that was going nowhere. It was the best thing I could do for the both of us.

"We were always very happy"
Could it be that you were the one who was always happy? Or did you not see this coming?

"I 'always' remained faithful, despite what was laid in front of me (quite literally) ... more the fool me??!!!"

You are not a fool because you lived with honor and integrity towards her. Doing otherwise would have been childish. I think your bigger than that.

"All the hopes & dreams i held no longer exist."

No, all the hopes and dreams you held must change. You will still have dreams. There is still hope. Don't give up. I know it really hurts right now. It will hurt for a while. It's part of being human-sometimes we hurt when we make ourselves vulnerable. Love is not for the weak. Talking about you feelings can help. Being around friends and people who care for you can be a great support.

"Suffered from depression for years but refuse to take any more med's. I'd rather be myself (whatever that is?)."

I don't know who you are but, I know who you are not. You are not the woman who left you...you are not the relationship you were in.
You still have yourself and I hope you find the courage to figure out who or what that is. Drinking is a way of medicating yourself- a way of not dealing with what has happened. Sooner or later your going to have to face it.

"I'm now 45 years old & probably far too oversensitive!
Attempted suicide once & failed!!"

Are you having thoughts of harming yourself?

"I've had a few very low points in my life but things have truly descended lately & the options for a 'future' seem non-existant."

How did you get through your low points? I hope you don't hinge your entire future on the actions of someone else. We can not control how another human being acts. We can not make someone love us or bide by what we expected of them. We can however chose how we will react. You are your own man. She does not hold your future-you do. And it might not seem like there is another woman in this whole world that could love you and make you feel the way she did but, I promise you there is. It just might be really hard to see that right now. Don't give up on your new life.

And please understand that what you feel is so very normal. You are experiencing the loss of a 13 yr relationship. That's hard for anyone to swallow. When someone experiences a loss-any kind of loss- there are stages they go through.
Deniel, grief, anger, depression, bargaining, & acceptance. Sometimes a person experiences all of those stages or only a few. I hope you decide to talk with someone. There is a lot of support out there. Friends are great for moments like these.

I am sorry, that is a rough thing to go through.

I know the feeling so well. I was surprised how much everything was intertwined after so many years. Plans and countless other things just no longer .... oh heck, it all collapsed.

I would have to disagree with you about remaining faithful. While you are in a relationship there is nothing foolish about it.

I can understand wanting to skip the meds for depression. Some of them can have a wide range annoying side effects. Still if your suicide attempt was since stopping you may want to reconsider that. There are countless types out there and possible a different one may be more to your liking.

Drinking while it may initially help can end up making depression worse. It sure did for me.

I do wish you the best.

You sound a bit like me mate, same age roughly, long term relationship over, nothing to look forward to, tried to OD, taking anti depressants.

I cant offer much but an ear, as I can tell you it gets worse before it gets better.