What other people said has been very helpful. I'll add a few things which I think are very importantly:

1) Try not to have the mental state of, "I'll try" but rather that "I'll do." Its very easy to end up trying something for years and never actually get anywhere. I encourage working on small objectives that you know that you have a good chance of accomplishing.

i.e., today I wanted to be totally brassy and hit on various girls that I knew for kisses for Valentine's Day. There was a good chance that I'd fail at actually getting kissed, so I focused more on having the courage on actually asking for it. Trust me, that was scary enough, and I was able to mentally credit myself for every time I went through, regardless of the outcome.

2) Like me, you seem to be overwhelmed with the enormity of the many obstacles that you're fighting. I suggest a divide-and-conquer strategy, where you can focus on any one area that you're afraid of, and focus on that first.

i.e. like you, I have moments where I worry when I'm not very interesting. I dealt with this really in two ways - first, I find a crowd that's interested in the same things as I am. Honestly, I'm sure that you're very interesting and whatever hobbies you have, will find a receptive audience. The other way I dealt with it is just to expand my interests; I'm a curious soul, and that's why you find that I'm capable of blathering about psychological studies with the same glee as I talk about history.

I mean, I realize that I bore many people if I got too indepth, but that just proves that I know too much more

3) Look forward to challenges. Its another mental state/shift, but over time, you'll learn to actually like the sense of fear and risk. Because every chance to lose is also a chance to win

Regards,
IO

I'm sorry about what you're going through; it sounds tough.

I used to suffer from anxiety when I was in public places. If I ever walked in a public place, I'd break out in heavy sweats (like I just jogged a few miles) and my heart would start beating like crazy. It would slowly worsen until I started stumbling over my words and acting really erratic. It was so bad that people would actually start to notice. At one point, like you, I didn't want to ever go outside and started avoiding people.

Nowadays, I can walk through a crowded area without too much trouble, but I do get the panic attacks now and then. It mainly happens when I unintentionally become the center of attention. If a lot of people (5-10+) start staring at me when I'm in the bank or something, I'll break out into sweats - cause I feel like I'm in the spotlight. If I know a lot of people are going to be watching me beforehand (like when I dance at parties), then I'm OK.

Change is possible, but it's a long, hard road. I'm not even sure if you can fully get rid of the anxiety, either. It might still come to you now and then, but nothing as severe as what you're experiencing now. Still, you'll only really overcome it by continuously putting yourself in social situations that make you uncomfortable, and then acting against your fears. After a while, you'll get desensitized to them. (flooding)... It's really worked for me and helped me to feel more "normal" around people. Now I generally don't have problems starting conversations with strangers, and a few people told me they had a hard time believing that I'm shy. It took me a few years to get to that point, though.

Don't lose hope... just push yourself to change. No matter how hard and how tough it seems, just tell yourself that it's better than doing nothing and living with your fear. Learn to love yourself. You're not a loser, and you're not boring. There are people that love you, and with good reason. Try to change your perception of people. Don't see meeting new people as something to be nervous about, but something exciting!

I was also a psychology major. It's funny.. I think a large number of people take psychology, because they have social issues of some kind. I met a lot of people in my classes who were far from "normal"; a lot of them seemed to be highly self-conscious or anxious. Maybe they take that major, because they want to understand why they feel the way they do.

I might sound like a broken record to the people who read a few of my posts, but learning how to dance can be a great way of tackling your anxiety. Also, learning how to move your body helps you become more comfortable with yourself. You can practice in the privacy of your own home, and it doesn't cost you any money. Later, once you feel confident enough, you can go to parties and dance in front of people. I actually pushed myself to practice in public places. Having people staring at me (sometimes laughing), while I danced badly, really helped me to stop feeling so self-conscious. You realize that, even though people may laugh or point at you, it isn't the end of the world. Plus, if you feel comfortable dancing badly, then you'll definitely feel comfortable when you know how to dance well. The laughing will eventually turn into admiration and praise. You want a cure for social anxiety? There's nothing better than having a group of people clapping and cheering you on in the middle of the dance floor.

The key thing that helped me overcome my anxiety, though, was determination and motivation. It doesn't matter how much advice you receive; you have to have a strong desire to change your current situation.

@ Xlim: I'm sorry that you haven't had success with your treatment, but the methods do work. I can speak from personal experience. I didn't go to therapy, but I used similar techniques on myself. I went to parties and put myself out there. Eventually, things DO get better. Please keep trying, stay positive, and don't give up. Having a pessimistic attitude towards treatment is an almost sure-fire way of making sure it won't work.

Tennisgirl, I'm familiar all too well with many things you're talking about. I don't think that social anxiety can be overcome completely and forever. BUT the situation really can be improved. I know what it means to long for social interaction but at the same time be afraid of it in fear to mess up and look stupid. You know what, try this sort of approach: tell yourself you can't realistically fuck up your situation more than it already is, so might as well relax and milk all the fun out of any particular social situation you can get. I dunno, maybe it sounds somewhat on the negative side but it helps me, actually.

You said you're a boring loser who has nothing to talk about. That's bullshit. Even if you haven't led a rich social life and don't have plenty of stories to tell, like about how you got drunk in a party and threw a demonstration of strip-tease on the table, you still have some kind of interests or hobbies. Everyone has. That's what you can talk about.

You'll find a job, just try to think of it as something that will brighten your life instead of screwing it up. Oh yes, I know, it sounds scary - meeting new people, especially if you haven't done so in awhile. But most (not all, of course) people are pretty well-meaning and aren't going to push you away instantly. Folks like us, we don't have the ability to make instant friends, we need to get used to people first and only then a friendship can begin to develop. It's not necessarily a bad thing, just bear that in mind and don't think you're a useless git because you can't become good pals with everyone in a matter of minutes. You're going to be uncomfortable around new people at first, but it will pass gradually. Granted they're not total jerks, you'll start liking them. Smile and greet them, sincerely. Ask a few questions, they can be pretty ordinary questions, something related to your work maybe. It may be that you will not find your immediate coworkers mighty interesting but you may also meet other people with their help.

I agree with your parents that meds are a waste of time, not to mention they may have negative side effects on your health. I don't know about a therapist, haven't tried one myself, but you can give it shot. But basically, what's really gonna help you, is your own decision to acquire a brighter outlook on life. You can even try and find a friend online who shares your interests (and, preferably, lives in the same general area), so you can meet them too.

This post was last modified: 02-14-2008 08:46 PM by Silvernight.

Yeah, I think my social anxiety is a result of years of fear, building up, leading me to be the person I am today. I do want to change, though. In fact, I’m desperate. I want to live and, right now, I’m not really living at all. People have told me that knowing you want to change is the first step... So I’m just hoping I can build on it. I am going to give the therapist a go. Thanks for your advice.

Haha, nah, there’s definitely been no picture of me on here, and I’m not cute. Sometimes I am proud of myself, but those feelings don’t last long and it doesn’t make me feel better. I think it’s because I don’t really believe that I’ve done anything good. I find the whole positive attitude so hard.

I think initially it was social anxiety that caused me to become so isolated which led to immense loneliness, leading to depression. Now, though, I just feel so down all the time that it heightens feelings of anxiety. Hm, yeah, I don’t really know what effect one has on the other. I just want rid of them both so that I can start living the life I really want to live.

I am trying things like that. The other day, I made small talk with a random guy in the post office. I know it sounds lame cos things like this are so easy for most people. He started talking to me, so I talked back... I actually did feel pleased with myself. I can’t remember what we spoke about, I was nervous... but I did establish eye contact and I wasn’t rude. I just have days when I feel like I can do things like that but, other days, I don’t want to leave the house.
I haven’t ever tried meditation. I might try it sometime, thanks.

I just hope I can open up to her... I don’t feel forced to go see her. Thing is, my parents are so cut and dry. My dad thinks after a few sessions with her, I’ll be “back to normal and I can get on with my life”. He’s a very positive person, which is good... It’s just I don’t feel like a few sessions talking to some woman about me is going to help me resolve all these issues just like that. I’m probably being pessimistic idk.

I think that’s ultimately where I fail all the time. I always try, but never actually do. It’s always the fear that holds me back... I somehow have to get over that. Like sometimes I’ll talk myself into doing something but, at the last moment, I’ll pull out. For example if my sister invites me out with all her friends, I’ll psych myself up to go but then I’ll cancel at the last moment and end up feeling rubbish for doing so. Your advice is really helpful, though, thanks.

Wow, thanks so much for taking the time to write all that. Yeah, I guess people take psychology for different reasons... I think it’s cool you did too. It did help studying it though. I feel like I understand why I’m feeling the way I do. I used to put myself in social situations that made me feel uncomfortable, but I always ended up feeling worse at the end of it, cos I stayed silent and never knew how to talk to people. For that reason, lately, I’ve been avoiding anything that makes me feel anxious. I thought that was a good way to deal with things. It’s not. I’m not living any sort of life right now, I know that.

I’ve been thinking like that lately. My situation can’t get much worse, so any improvement would be welcome. It’s just the fear I can’t get over. It’s always there, holding me back from doing anything... even simple things. I do have hobbies, true, it just seems like everyone I meet, well I don’t meet many people anymore... but say if I go out with my sister and her friends, all they talk about is drinking, who slept with who, so and so’s new boyfriends blah blah blah.. I can’t contribute to discussions like that. One, I’m not interested, and, 2, I don’t know the people they’re all talking about. So I just sit there. I don’t know how to meet likeminded people anymore... I wasted all those opportunities at university. I do have a good online friend who is awesome to talk to. We live no where near eachother, though. Oh well.

Thanks so much for everyone’s advice. Even if you don’t think it’s helpful... it really is to me. I’m going to try to actually implement some of those things (well, I’ll take baby steps) and see what the therapist has to say, too. Thanks again.

Hey tennisgirl,

I think it's great that you're willing to take some steps towards self-improvement. That's how all change starts, right? Don't feel lame at all for making small talk with strangers. Every victory counts. Also, a lot of "normal" people can actually have trouble doing what you did. Taking initiative to converse with a stranger is no small feat, and it really shows that you're dedicated to making positive changes in your life. I, for one, am proud of you.

I thought of a few things that might help you. Having a background in psychology, you are well aware that your anxiety is based on irrational fears. That doesn't really help in alleviating them, though, does it? Next time you're in a social situation, or about to engage in a conversation, ask yourself, "What is it that I'm really afraid of?" If the encounter doesn't happen to go well, nothing truly bad will happen. You won't die, the world won't come to an end, and everything will remain perfectly normal. In the worst case scenario, you may feel slightly embarrassed for a few moments, and then it will be all over. However, if things go well, you'll have a nice conversation with a new person, and have taken another step to overcoming your anxiety. In other words, make the outcomes more concrete in your mind.

Also, don't worry about doing something strange or weird. People love unique and weird individuals; they're very interesting! I used to hold myself back, because I thought people would be repulsed by the fact that I didn't fit in. I found the exact opposite to be true. In fact, I've been complimented on my weird sense of humor. I'm not telling you to go pick your nose in public, but don't be afraid to be yourself. Just remember to be kind and considerate to the people you're talking to, and you'll be doing just fine.

If things don't happen to go well, however, don't beat yourself up about it. Remember to remain positive. Think constructively, and ask yourself, "Why didn't that conversation go well? What could I have done differently? Was it even me? (It could easily be that the other person is simply unfriendly)" Whatever it is, remember that it has nothing to do with your self-worth. You are a perfectly normal and special human being. Everybody has bad conversations or awkward moments at some time or another. Heck, I say awkward things all the time! =P If it doesn't go well, just analyze it and move on. There are billions of people out there, so just look forward to meeting the next one.

When I first started out in battling my social anxiety, I used to keep telling myself, "People like me, and want to get to know me." Moments before I was about to talk to someone, I would repeat it over and over again in my head. At first, it didn't really do much, and I still felt nervous. Over time, as I engaged in more and more conversations with people, it became easier to believe it; each successful encounter provided more evidence that it was true. Maybe you should try it; when you think about it, that single phrase is the one thing that you're really trying to prove to yourself.

If you ever start to feel down or begin to doubt yourself, just keep repeating the words, "I'm a special person, and people like me." Do it even if you're by yourself. I know it sounds silly, but just try it. Convince yourself that you're a worthy person. The truth is, people around you are already aware of this fact; you just have to prove it to yourself.

I hope you have a good day, and please let us know how your road to recovery is going!

Just focus on the things that makes you happy.. You like tennis right? Go play!

I use sunglasses lol nobody believes but im a shy person but the way i protect myself is acting like if i was not shy. I act like if i was a bit (lol english... sometimes i hate my english lol) snob? And i feel safer with sunglasses. The problem is when i need to get out when its night x) But yeah... i feel like if nobody could see me or recognise me lol and thats why 99% of my pics im using sunglasses. Cause im shy and i hate to take pics lol