Arggghhhhhhhhh, I’m so fed up right now and I don't know what to do. This social anxiety, or whatever it is, is killing me. I have all these fears that I can’t seem to overcome. It’s ironic because I know all my fears are completely irrational, I know I have no reason to be so afraid, yet I can’t seem to avoid it. I’m longing for social interaction, but I fear it. I just can’t talk to people anymore. I stutter, I can’t look them in the eye, I twiddle my hair, I can’t keep a conversation going, I’m so nervous. When I sit in a room full of people, I’m panicking the whole time because I’m the one sitting there in silence, and I can’t think of one thing to say. How can I ask people questions to make them talk when all I really want is for them to all go away and stop making me anxious? I know there’s lots of things to ask people, but why can’t I think of them when I’m sitting there? It’s just so difficult for me to establish any sort of friendship and, after years of trying, I’ve sort of given up and I’m now just so incredibly alone and it’s making life exceptionally difficult. I’m sooo depressed all the time. I cry way too much, it’s draining. I have zero motivation to do anything and my self-esteem is as low as it can get. My sleeping patterns are so erratic. I just can’t be fucked anymore but, at the same time, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I’m 21, I should be loving life. Instead, I’m living at home, with my parents, I barely leave the house, I have no job, I’ve been unemployed ever since I graduated 7 months ago (yeah, I know it’s pathetic) and I just can’t find any motivation to get a job. I seem to have no ambitions any more and I'm wasting my life. Part of me is scared because getting a job means meeting new people and I’m inevitably going to mess things up. I just can’t meet new people anymore. I haven’t done it in so long. I never have anything interesting to talk about because I have done nothing interesting with my life. I’m such a boring loser. I have no friends. All of the “friends” I had at school and university are no longer in my life due to me being such a social retard and always declining their invitations to go out etc. I so much wanted to have friends, yet the whole social thing scared me. They didn’t know about my social anxiety, though, so they must just think I was being rude for always saying no. I’m so socially isolated now. I have no-one, and it makes me so sad because, deep down, I know this is not who I am or who I want to be. I’m just so afraid that this is how it is for me, and how it’s always going to be. I’ve been this way for years, and I can’t seem to break away from it. My parents are aware of my situation (even though they think I need to try harder to get over the “shyness”) and they’re arranging for me to see some sort of therapist... I can’t imagine it’s going to work, though. I feel so stupid because I have a degree in psychology, I know all about my problems, yet I can’t do anything to help myself. I’m pretty sure the therapist is going to use some sort of cognitive behaviour therapy... ehhh, I have no idea if anything is going to work. I doubt I’m going to be able to open up to this woman. My parents are against meds, though... so I guess I’m going to have to give the therapist a go. I just want to be happy.

I’m so depressed. Alone. Hate life. Hate myself.

I understand how you feel. I wouldnt exactly call myself a social butterfly or anything like that (im definatly shy), but I do believe I have been making positive steps recently.
Its hard for people like us to be outgoing, we are like dogs who were beaten as puppys and now just walk around with our tail between are legs.

Just as it took time for us to become like this, it will take time for us to heal aswell.
What helped me is when I started working I met some people, it took me a while to get comfortable with them and trust them, but once I did I opened up to them. I started hanging out with them on the weekends or going to partys with them. Im usually pretty uncomfortable when I go out to partys, but I find if I have one or two drinks I losen up and dont really care what anyone else thinks about me. (not suggesting you become an alcoholic or anything like that )
I think most people even though dont show it are really just as scared on the inside as we are.

So anyways im not sure how much that will really help you or not, but I hope it does.
Too bad im not over in enlgland, id hang with you and help you gain some confidence.

Sorry to hear about all this tennisgirl *hugs*

I really hope that this goes well for you.

Well, I don't know of anything helpful to say here at the moment. But I used to be a really shy kid too, even sometimes now but not so often already. Well this might sound easy but it's how I got over a major part of my shyness. I just ignored other people. It starts small really, to pluck up some courage. I tried to shake off any nervous feeling before talking to other people, tell myself that they're not gonna eat me up lol and then go for it, converse with them, say what comes up to mind etc. Well basically I just let go off the worrying thoughts and nervousness. It did take some practice though.

This might not be suitable for you though and I do admit it's probably not the best advice lol but well just putting it out there in case you might wanna give it a try since it did somewhat help me.
Hope you feel better soon.

Im really sorry you feel like this, i really hope you do start feeling better soon *huuugs*

My advice is really not that much different to minks. You have to try not to worry about what other people may think about you, they dont matter, its what you think about yourself that matters. Once you start doing this you should be able to find yourself more free to be yourself around people and do whatever you want.

Now having saying this i know its extremyl hard to do, i havnt accomplished it completly myself either and i do feel the way you do at times aswell but we gotta just try to keep moving fowards

I hope i could help you even a little bit

Just as it took time for us to become like this, it will take time for us to heal aswell.
What helped me is when I started working I met some people, it took me a while to get comfortable with them and trust them, but once I did I opened up to them. I started hanging out with them on the weekends or going to partys with them. Im usually pretty uncomfortable when I go out to partys, but I find if I have one or two drinks I losen up and dont really care what anyone else thinks about me. (not suggesting you become an alcoholic or anything like that )

Thank you for your advice... I guess it takes a lot of time. I’m just so impatient cos I hate the fact that I’m wasting these years of my life. I hope I can meet people when I start working like you did. I guess I just have to keep on hoping.

Yeahh, I always wish I could meet people that are on this site in real life. I mean, I’d still be nervous, but it’d be easier to connect with people who understand and don’t think I’m weird. Ah well.

I don’t know how to shake off the nervous feeling, though. Sometimes, when I’m with a group of people and they’re all talking about something, I think of something (in my head) to add to the conversation. But then I spend so long thinking if it’s the right thing to say and making sure I won’t look stupid that by the time I actually pluck up the courage to actually say it, the topic of conversation has shifted already, and then I just stay silent. :/

My advice is really not that much different to minks. You have to try not to worry about what other people may think about you, they dont matter, its what you think about yourself that matters. Once you start doing this you should be able to find yourself more free to be yourself around people and do whatever you want.

Now having saying this i know its extremyl hard to do, i havnt accomplished it completly myself either and i do feel the way you do at times aswell but we gotta just try to keep moving fowards

Thanks, tomuchnothing. It’s crazy cos I know that people aren’t going to think I look stupid (at least I hope not), but I always have this fear holding me back. Argh. It’s so frustrating, but I suppose I need to try harder.

I have felt like this in the past, and being scared and fearful are real feelings and they need to be delt with in some manner or they will just go on and on, and your situation could become worse.
I think that going to see a therapist is a good idea, and I'm sure that the therapist will give you plenty of ideas a ways of how to overcome your fears and shyness, it's just up to you weather or not you want to implement them or not, and by reading your post it seems to me that you are fed up and you want to change things, so I would give it a real shot if I was you.

Dear Friend,


The truth is Social Anxiety cannot be beat. If you have it, your stuck with it for the rest of your life. No matter what people say about different sort of treatments, I have try them all, and it does not work one bit. I have even gone to great length to get help for it by finding the right therapist who would go out into the world with me and help me. CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy DOES not work, no matter how many people tell you its possible. All it really is to help you understand the human mind, and showing that your thoughts are irrational. It talks about the pyramid of feeling and thoughts, and I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about since you have a degree in psychology.

People like us are screw for life, and I know exactly how you feel. Everything you wrote in your post is related to me in every way. This quarter alone I have lost all 3 of my females friend. Now whenever I meet them, it is awkward, and they think I'm rude. I have live my life in shame and embarrassment and no matter how much I tell my friends, they can't really grasp what it must be like to be socially anxious.

I am only 19, but my life will journey in the same way as well. I don't even know how I can hold up a jobs. Going to class is such a pain, and I always sit in the back of the class.

Social Anxiety is the worst CURSE, and I truly believe it is...

Therefore both of us can never lead a normal life, because were abnormal.

Sorry to break the news to you

Feel free to pm me

P.S. Everyone Social Anxiety is not shyness, it is beyond it, so your advice has no credential what so ever. Please to the OP, just listen to me, we are not shy, we have social anxiety. Social Anxiety affect everything you do, and shyness is only a small part of it. You guy who responded back to the OP, don't understand what Social Anxiety people go through, so therefore you are not helping the OP.

This post was last modified: 02-14-2008 07:29 AM by Xlim.

Yeah like others have said you need to like yourself.
I know its hard and I struggle with that myself. Its kinda hard to like yourself if it feels like no one else likes you.
You just need to find someone to get you started on your positive spiral towards happiness.

For me going to the gym helps me feel better about myself. I cant remember, but I think I saw a picture of you on the site and you looked really cute, you just need to find something to do taht will make you proud of yourself.

((((tennisgirl)))))

I’m really sorry you’re struggling with such debilitating social anxiety. I have struggled with it for most of my life; i still am struggling although not quite as badly these days. So i know how it can eat away at your life - self-confidence, opportunities etc. And it does tend to make one rather lonely doesn’t it? But i am sure that your anxiety will lessen. I don’t know you so my words may sound hollow but, honestly, things will probably get better. Social anxiety is one of the most treatable conditions isn’t it? You will know that, being a psychology graduate. I would be interested to know though, what effect your SA has on your depression, or is it the other way around – does your depression cause you to be socially anxious?

I can offer certain ideas that may be of help. But please don’t think that i have experience of these things because i may not – i am still working towards stuff like this.

Those untimely words of advice like “Just be more confident and talk more” are crap aren’t they? The fact that they are true does not really help – it just makes you feel even more inadequate because you know they are right but you can’t do anything about it. It is like telling a person to be black when they are white or rich when they are poor – the advice is half-baked or useless. But i guess if people knew how to advise you properly they would do so, so it’s their lack of knowledge/experience that is not helping. The issue is how to get confidence – it just doesn’t magic itself into existence as some people think – there is a process. Would i be right in saying that a big factor in social anxiety is appearance? So a cause of embarrassment might be the focus of attention on oneself – and the subject of focus may be something that conflicts with the ego? It might be the ego that is blocking normal thinking and behaviour. One answer may be to bypass the ego. And one way i know of doing this is to temporarily make to conscious effort to forget that we have SA or depression or whatever else, and for a moment concentrate 100% on someone new – a shop assistant, a work-colleague…anyone. The mere act of forgetting who we are for that moment is quite an eye-opener. You might be able to look back and say “wow, i wasn’t really that anxious during that time”.

Something else that may be of help is thinking about trust – i think we can get too hung up on trust. I don’t know about you but i find that trustworthy people are very difficult to come by. But they are around – it just means wading through the rest before we get to them. But my point is that if trust is what guides your choice of friends, instead, it may be better to let go of this idea and purely have faith in yourself. The faith you build up within yourself is worth 10 times more than looking for trusted friends. This may sound pessimistic but it’s really not – it’s the opposite! Having faith in yourself means you don’t have to go looking for trusted friends – they will come to you! But how do you trust yourself? This is the crux of the matter. I guess it takes a lot of soul searching – first understanding ourselves, then accepting, then loving and caring for ourselves. We can do these things on our own, but obviously it takes a conscious effort to do so.

Other things i would heartily suggest are mindfulness and meditation, as practiced by Buddhists. It might sound like new-age nonsense but it’s really more like age-old wisdom. So simple too.

Hope that helps a little.

ya I'm sorry your feeling down too... I'm unfortunatly getting a cold and those rubber suits make it a little uncomfortable and not quite the same, so what i have done is i have made a big remote controlled teddy bear to give a hug for me

*hugs*


try not to see going to a thearpist as someone your forced to see to figure out your problems, try maybe to see them as a peir that you can "pratice" opening up too.

When my parents separated they made me go to talk to a therapist, and i didn't want to mostly becuase i was forced to go and talk to them and I really didn't like having to talk about my parents all the time, and my mom pretty much told me what to say about them. it was the waiting room I hated the most, mainly becuase i would have to wait for 20 30 minutes, it just felt like my time was being wasted, and i can waste my time my own way.

Now after a couple years, my parents still act like little baby rivals, and i don't go to a therapist anymore. Of course now i kinda would like to, not to talk about some one else or what my parents are doing but talk about me and my problems.

...sorry... i like talking about myself i guess


i don't really have any more to say, indigo and mink gave really good advice. you should try to adhere to it.

I hope things turnout for the better,

when looking for couarge remember the cowardly lion, it's already there you just have to believe in it