Hi folks i seem to be in a bit of pickle.

And this could very well make me come across as a complete jerk, but id appreciate your feedback.

A good while ago i was browsing through forum sites like this one and saw a post of a serious self-harmer (hes like 2 or 3 years younger than me) asking for a bit of company, me being me wanted to help him out and we got chatting through msn, we lost contact and a year later hes back online. I say hi and we get chatting again and hes still very much the same. So we talk and talk and it turns out he was fairly local so i agree to meet him and spend a bit of time with him as a friend.

As the days pass i regularly saw him to comfort his feelings and had some real heart to heart conversations, he does in the end open up and agrees to stop self-harming and seek more professional advice (which he does).

But as time goes on he now seems to be the most possessive individual and just wont let me go, its not that i dont want to be his friend i just dont want to have to come running round to his place at his beck and call. I only wanted to help him out not have this serious friendship. Im more than happy to be a mate / shoulder to cry on but not this.

I now feel like a bit of a prick for not wanting him as a friend, i feel bad for not contacting him so much, but end up regretting it when i do. As much i want friends and company.... ive got so used to the solitude..... im not sure im ready for it.

Please give me some advice im just not sure how to handle this?

the best way to set things straight is to ofcourse talk to him about it and set the limit.


for the start u have to find out whats going on in his head regarding ur relationship.

Im just really worried ill upset him and he'll revert back to his old ways. Thing is hes gay....im not. And i know he sees me as a bit more than a friend, ive made it clear to him that im not, but hes ... well hes a very imaginative individual. Hes very easily hurt, i know hes been let down by others.

I understand that this friendship could become a burden for you, but what you did was very kind, and it must have helped him a lot. So it must have really ment a lot to him for someone to reach out to him. So I'm sure he really values your company, and I'm sure that can make you uncormfortable.

i don't know if you have any other friends but if you do maybe you could try hanging out as a group that might make you feel a bit more comfortable and hopefully make him feel more comfortable in a group and meet new people.

I'm sorry I don't really have an answer to this, but I think you did do a good thing, and just try to tell him kindly, and I really hope things work out al right

do u have a girlfriend? I think, this is the only way for him to back off in that sense. I'm sure he wouldn't be hurt since u've always told him ur straight and eventually u'd get a girlfriend.
that happened to me...thats why now I sort of keep a distance don't let anyone to get used to me and for me not to get too attached to any1 either.

Im afraid im pretty much a loner in that dept, early on in life i never got the chance to make any friends, and the ones i did i lost them quick. Right now any friends i used to have moved away, and i find myself just being rather unsocial both because im tired of losing my friends and well i havent got the knack i couldnt make friends as a child and i still cant now.

As far as he goes, hes very much the same, but he just never goes out, ive asked him out to join me in town to various places and he flat out refuses.

For me I have wanted to join several clubs and do several activites but rather annoying the bane of my life (my brother) prevents me from engaging in things i want to. That and travel time to the club and home, public transport to where i am and they are isnt great late at night.

This is where things get messy, i did have a girlfriend for about 10 months only to find out she was using me and didnt want to break it to me incase i done something stupid (i understand her reasoning and rarely have a quick catch up chat) however im Bi and he knows it... yes i do want a gf, ultimatly later on down the line marriage and a family, id love to be a proud dad someday. Having a girlfriend didnt stop him it just made him try harder..

And so i think i really have shot myself in the foot here, I dont want to be burdened with him but at the same time i dont want to hurt him.

Thanks for the replies and your views to this its greatly appreciated.

well i think it's good that your trying to get involved, let him know that your tired of never going out, if you can try to ease him back into socail life, if that fails . It may sound mean, but maybe let him know that if he doesn't come with you'll just go by yourself,

that might give you another cahnce to just get quainted with other people

again I'm sorry if that isn't much help but I hope things turn out alright

peace

well i think it's good that your trying to get involved, let him know that your tired of never going out, if you can try to ease him back into socail life, if that fails . It may sound mean, but maybe let him know that if he doesn't come with you'll just go by yourself,

that might give you another cahnce to just get quainted with other people

again I'm sorry if that isn't much help but I hope things turn out alright

peace

This seems like a decent piece of advice. I don't think you mind hanging out with him or talking to him at times, since you said you don't mind being a mate or a friendly shoulder on which to lean/cry. However, you're not willing to be his go-to-guy or anything more than one of his circle of friends. He has to realize this, and maybe a good way to do it is by doing what evan. says, and getting him to go out in a group setting. He might meet some more people and develop a sort of network, and this could potentially lead to giving you some space as he seeks out the company of others in addition to your sole company.

The gay thing is tough; if he has a crush on you (this happened to me once, and even though I was willing to stay friends with him as long as it was just that, he couldn't respect my decision to be straight and not fall for him), then it can totally affect his motives for hanging out with you. I hope it works out... keep us posted!

Don't worry; you're not a prick at all. Rather, you're just taking care of yourself and setting some personal boundaries. No one wants to feel used.

yeh, if u told him u were bisex.
sort of leading him on

no i guess that didnt help, i never meant it in a ' leading him on' kind of way, just explaining a bit about me.

Anyway latest update is, i have talked to him today..... i dont know why i didnt do it sooner. I more-or-less apologised for the way ive been acting as of late, said i would like to have at least one friend but that i just need my space to try and sort myself out, im just not the most gifted when it comes to social skills.

If there is any change ill post it here, thanks again for the support and advice.