I do it every day. In any job where you need to be profesional you need to be able to keep anything in your personal life seperate from your job. Every day I go to school or work people think I am perfectly happy maybe a bit distant but no one would ever know how I really feel.

i can. do it all the time.

anyway, lemme rant for a bit.. hehe

it all started in 98. i outed myself to my mum that i was bisexual. she was like "its ok.. blah blah." then she told my dad, who totally flipped!!

anyway, since then, theyve never really thought of me as family (as far as i can see). im usually left out of events. when something bad happens, theyd blame me for it even when they dont have any proof.

well, im soo used to it that i am practically two different persons when im at work and with my family.

Hmm I do fake smile but when I do, I feel like crying. Sometimes I guess it's a pity party for myself and I just end up breaking out in tears whilst trying to act as though everything is okay.

life has never been easy on me.

i grew up not having a bestfriend. nor someone i can just pour everything out.

i grew up being pushed away by my parents, thinking i'd be a mama's boy or sumthing.

i grew up not having any toys, while my sisters had lots of em.

i grew up buying toys for myself, even those little plastic army thingies.

i grew up being suspected of taking money from my mum's purse even tho i've been at school the whole day.

i grew up being left out of family events, unless someone says that i should come.

i grew up being compared(negatively) to just every one they thought was great.

i grew up being called stupid all the time.

i went to school with just enough money to pay for the bus and a sandwich for lunch, and i get that by getting paid for doing other students' assignments. and yes, even when i was in college.

i grew up being thought of like im a prodigal son.

i grew up being called ugly, stupid, dumb.

and every night since started remembering things, i always cried myself to sleep.

and even now that i am old... i feel empty.

i just smoke weed. it makes me stop thinking about the shity shit that has happened. i kno its an escape but what else can i fuckin do? reading? meditating? still doesnt change anything shitty that has happened and the effcts of it.d i dont put on a fake smile when im around people, i just become another person with a different personality.

Well I eat alot of candy and chocolate which can make me hyper, meaning I cover my depression with peppy happiness. My friends all think that my life is all lollipops and rainbows by the way I act around them. I'm always happy around them, why should I be sad? I'm not lonely when I'm with them.

the people in my circle of family and friends all look to me when they need someone to lean on. i'm always having to be strong for them, so in order to do that i have to swallow my own feelings all the time. i can't dare let anyone know how badly i'm feeling. they don't want to know, because it would ruin their image of me. on top of my own loneliness and depression, i have to shoulder everyone else's problems. one day i may crumble under the weight.