I have been on two weeks vacation from work....cant really afford to go anywhere so I have had to stay in.
I wanted my kids to come over and stay, but it seems thats a bit much. I havent even had a phone call in a week. 7 whole days of total isolation (except going shopping). I have tried reading, listening to music, I have spent hours on the PC. But nothing fills the total emptiness I feel inside.

I have no one I can tell all this to.........I have to suffer in silence. I just called my ex, and because I want the kids to come over it seems its ME who is being selfish. And apparently I'm not supposed to talk to them about the way I feel. I suppose everyone would just like me to put a clown mask on and pretend everything is great. Yes, I'm SO selfish because I want to spend time with my kids. I feel sick just thinking about it.

I made mistakes in my previous marriage, just like anyone normal. But I'm going to have to pay the price for ever, as I am going to be lonely and miserable til I die. No one wants anything to do with me. Hell, even (some)rapists and murderers get out of prison eventually. I dont think I deserve what I'm getting. But theres nothing I can do, except hope for a terminal illness.

I am sick of living. Right now, at this minute, I have had enough

Um....I feel sorry reading your story...I teared a little...
Be strong, OK?

Does Your ex even know half of how bad You feel about not being able to see Your kids? Is there anything You can do to actually make her change her mind? Excuse my ignorance, my mind haven't exactly been in great shape either the last months, but are You even trying to get a second chance? In finding a better life, i mean. Are Your kids the only thing that has kept You living? Do You WANT to find someone to live Your current life with or are You afraid of that it just might end up the same way as Your previous relationship?

Regardless of how their mother raises them, Your children will always want to see You when they grow up and can choose for themselves, because You are the best dad they could ever have; their own.

Start by changing that bloody avatar, will You? Come on man, You're worthy of a good life too. I'm not asking You to put a mask on, but to kick the shit out of the demons of sadness in Your head and start doing something. You know what? It doesn't really matter if You keep on living Your life by the same old patterns because that way the chance of bumping into what You're looking for is quite small. You have to do something, new or old, but something else than what You currently are, apparently, to find someone, don't You think?

As said, i'm not aware of Your situation that much, so don't take this too personal. This is more of a general reply.

Thank you......I cry a lot myself

Thanks for taking an interest Robin.

Yes I'm sure SHE knows how I'm feeling.......I let her know often enough, but she doesn't care about how I feel.

Cant change her mind about me, she seems to hate me now. In have my youngest son who is 13 approximately every 2 weeks but I just thought, in the school holidays, it would be a bit more. Obviously I was wrong. My oldest son is 16. I see him less frequently.

I would absolutely LOVE to find someone new so that I could move on, but its just not going to happen. Internet dating has been a total disaster, no one wants to know me. I dont have many friends. I cannot afford to go out to bars. I joined the library but its always empty or full of 16-20 year olds. Or pensioners.

So I find myself stuck indoors alone most of the time and my resolve is wearing away. I have nowhere (except here, and one other person via email) that I can unload my woes. I am just scared because I know my life is already over. The next "x" amount of years are going to be very painful

I might not be going thru what you are robert, but I get what you mean. I'm at an age where life doesn't seem to be going anywhere let alone having anything to do, I'm not a person who fills my days with things. I myself am not looking forward to the years to come and just hope I die early.

Robert

Here's a (((((hug))))) for you.

I'm sorry to hear you are in a lonely part of your life. I just hope to be able to help you realize this isn't an ending to your life, but it can be a new beginning.
In our age range dating can be difficult when we haven't been out there for a while. I see you have given it a chance, but maybe it's not time yet for you to have another person in your life. And I see you have tried to fill your days with things to do. This is a great time in your life to rediscover the things you like about yourself and the things you like to do. I hope you keep trying things, maybe you will find something new about yourself soon.
I think at the age of your boys it sounds like they are just being teenagers, everything in life is new for them and they want to learn to call the shots. (I realize I could be wrong here.)
Hang in there, it may take time but things will get better.

(((((Robert)))))

Thanks Samba, Blue2008, and Eve......thank you all for taking time to listen to my pathetic story.

You should not pull yourself down like that mate.

Its NEVER pathetic to share your feelings.