Just wondering if in your life have ever occurred similar experiences. Some people get in touch with us, pretend to be our friends, try to manipulate us in every way to appear what they aren't, we recognize them, then we start to move away slowly from them and they disappear.
I have never been surprised every time this happened, and never been disappointed or sorry. I just wonder why such people do this. Are they so desperate? so badly in need of somebody else?
Any suggestions?

I don't think I quite understand the question. Could you explain a little more about the part where they "try to manipulate us in every way to appear what they aren't?"

Thanks

This post was last modified: 08-16-2008 12:27 AM by Naleena.

Sure, of course I will explain better. Some people try to appear different from what they really are, telling us certain things like "I am this, I am that" while they apparently aren't. Or they act, play a role, trying to convince us they do have certain qualities.
I call it manipulation.

So why would people try to pretend to be something they aren't in order to keep a friendship?

Well, I could think of a few reasons.

1. They are afraid of rejection.

2. They are trying to impress someone because they think if they were to expose who they truly are then they would not be interesting enough and...see #1. So sad this is.

3. They really don't get how their actions are much different from their words/beliefs. I read one time where bullies aren't aware that people dislike them...lol Sometimes what a person says and does doesn't match up completely. I learned that in psychology 150.

4. And the most diabolical of all, they are manipulators who want something in return. They find this person they are lying to of value to them at the moment and by acting a certain way they try to get what they want in return.

I'm sure some others could come up with some reasons I could hang out with 1&2 and hopefully they would see it's ok to be who they are. I might be tempted to help 3 see whats going on, if they are open to it. But 4, I stay away from. Selfish people trying to con others for personal gain (whether it be emotional, monetary or whatever) really gets my panties in a wad. I don't have any use for such behavior or patience with those who willfully do it.

I agree with you, Naleena. #1 and 2 have occurred many times in my life. But these cases are very simple, I understand those people right from the start and decide how to react.
#3 still happens sometimes.
Number 4. Such people I have met many times, and now I recognize them quite easily. But they disappear when I unmask them. They should play the part to the end, IMHO.

Some people simply do it to be the center of attention (ok, this is covered by Nal's #2)

I find these "drama queens" to be the most common type. In order to keep up the attention they must continually invent new, ever more wonderful/terrible occurences to keep people interested in them. While I feel sorry for anyone with such poor self esteem, it is indeed a form of emotional blackmail.

That's interesting, Steel. I didn't think of drama queens. I agree with one slight exception. When I think of emotional black mail, I think of people who use guilt to manipulate others. They play the martyr a lot of times. To manipulate someone a person must have some sort of connection to the manipulator. They use emotional currencies. "You owe me because..." That's how I see it anyway

Well, I was thinking of the using of peoples' compassion to manipulate them, which can be just as powerful a tool IMO. I haven't really thought about whether those who use either form of manipulation are likely to use both ; but I guess, if someone desires people to behave in the way in which they want, then any tools or methods would be seen as fair game.

ohhh, I didn't quite understand then. I agree. Would you consider asking money for children and then showing sad, hungry faces manipulative or merely driving home a point? Or would it depend on the person presenting it and why they are doing so as to whether or not it is manilpulative? You really have me thinking,Steel. I guess someone can be manilpulative of others compassions without the intent of doing so. Or can we really ever be manipulated without our consent? No one ever holds a gun to our head to get us to show compassion. If we give it freely, then are we really manipulated or permissive?

This post was last modified: 08-16-2008 03:31 AM by Naleena.

I do believe that showing starving children is manipulative; the images are often selected to evoke the strongest feelings of compassion from those viewing them. I'd hope that most charities would rather not feel the need to use such shock tactics, but the human mind has a great capacity for blocking out thoughts that do not appeal.

It does raise an ethical issue, in that is it right to manipulate people for the greater good?

As to whether we allow ourselves to be manipulated, thats a very deep, and fascinating question. After much thought, I guess my answer would be yes, that we cannot be manipulated without our inner consent, and that in fact we are just permissive. I guess this is why people, in general, don't like the feeling that they have been manipulated for selfish reasons.