I've had an account here for several months now but I never posted, so here's my first hello. I've been freindless since I was 16--I'm 21 now--and I'm thinking that this is always how it's going to be. I used to be in a really bad way. I was terrified to take the bus or to just sit in class with other people around me. The only times I wouldn't feel like a preasure cooker of panic and fear was when I was alone by myself...where I felt such stinging lonliness that I physically felt pain in my heart (I know that sounds cheesy, but keep in mind that I'm a smoker too ).

I had a pretty miserable existance in highschool but I thought that everything would change once I got to college...Oooh, was I wrong! Things changed alright! All of my social ineptitude and lonliness was brought out all the more after my first semester started. After years of feeling this way I eventually got into therapy and I finally agreed to taking the yummy brain medicine after I tryed to kill myself.

I don't know how to describe my situation as it stands right now. I still never leave my house unless it's to go to school or my shrink, but I don't feel like a scared little mouse when sitting on the bus or in class. Now, instead of fearing people I've beome quite bitter and misanthropic. I got a job at my school tutoring people in German, which I was terrified of doing, but it did help me get used to dealing with people a little bit, although I'm still friendless. I don't know what I want socially right now. I've come to sort of make peace with the fact that I'm going to be alone and awkward around people until I die, which I find increadibly depresing.
Well, this intro is long enough (and turned out to be quite a bummer...sorry about that). I do look forward to talking to some people, with whom I can relate though.

This post was last modified: 12-30-2007 10:34 AM by An archist.

Hi!

I know what a let down college is. So many people in this forum go to university. I think they didnt really think about socializing much when the thought up of the concept of university
welcome!

what do you study?

Hi there. You got that right! College is the let down of a lifetime! There's a lot of propaganda out there about what college life is supposed to be like (socialist professors, road trips, parties, etc.) and the reality is just such a disapointment. I'm sure there are people who are having a college expirence as if they were living in a road house movie--actually, from my perspective it seems that everybody is having a great time and has lot's of friends, but I'm the only one who slinks around the halls trying to avoid people. Well, I'm majoring in math and minoring in German. I wanted to study Engineering, but then I realized that would involve working with other people on projects and such, so I decided math was much more befitting of the loner lifestyle. What are/did you studying/studied? Thanks for you're reply!

Yea but you have to remember in those college movies there's always a dude in corner glued to his laptop or a quiet geek or so on. We exist as well.. we just are never the stars of the movie..n I guess that's a good thing. Cause I have to admit more than an hour and a half..heck fifteen minutes of my life on tv would send even a caffeine junkie to sleep.
Lol I study geology might minor (but I'm not sure in what as yet..though I declared somthing but ..)

I hope things will look better for you in time to come.
Hi back to you, welcome to the forum (after so long lol)

Hi, welcome. I am very much like you except I don't even have college. (can't afford it)

Hey and welcome

I think it's really cool that you tutor german, i think it would be a good way to get involved.

I've kinda wanted to learn German myself. I think it's a cool language.

peace

and *hugs* too

Welcome!

WOW, That's amazing that you made an account all that time ago and only now post. Am glad you have tho and welcome hear. Hope its not another 7 months before you say something again

I agree with that and personnally I HATE PARTIES because it is noisy and everybody is drunk and say stupid things, I mean, a little bit more than usual.