so um i went that party last night. and um guess what it was a fucking disaster. and i really only have myself to blame for that.

when i got there he wasn't there yet. and i was having a pretty good time despite not know anyone all that well. as soon as he got there though all i could think about was talking to him. i started drinking more, which a friend of mine was giving me shit about saying, really is this just because he's here.

i could tell he was avoiding me somewhat but he did eventually start talking to me. i decided to get progressively more drunk and began throwing myself at him, holding on to him, refusing to let go. he kept pushing me away and i asked him why he was being like this after all he did kiss me back on saturday. he said he knows that but he shouldn't have that he's just leading me on. i explained to him that he really isn't this time, i know the deal, that he will never want to date me, i'm ok with that. but still he kept rejecting me.

my friend, whose party it was pulled me away from him and took me upstairs. she told me to stop what i was doing, that because i was so drunk there was no way he was going to take me home anyway, that her boyfriend would never sleep with her when she is this drunk and that this guy wouldn't do that to me either. i kept saying that its different though, you have someone who cares about you, loves you. this guy doesn't give a shit about me, she said that i'm wrong that he probably does care about me. but it doesn't feel like that.

so my friend asked me to go home. which i understand i'm pretty sure i ruined everything. she also threaten to call the police on me again (she and my roommate called about a month ago because they thought i was going to hurt myself, which i wasn't planning to do). i went home crying alone. and probably because i was drunk i kept sending him text messages. i know, i was that girl, so drunk and sloppy and making a fool of herself. sorry in advance for all the swearing. i normally don't talk to anyone like this, let alone him.

me- "what do i need to do? im giving u what u wanted & u are still fucking rejecting me what the fuck do i need to do i guess i really am that terrible sorry for ruining ur night"
me-"at least you quit & never have to see me again"
me-"why the fuck do you hate me so much?"
me-"i love you but don't worry i'll never fucking bother u again"

him- "go to bed please"

me- "fuck you"
me- "u don't care about me anyway so i'll do whatever the fuck i want"

him- "relax please"

me- "fuck you u obviously hate me so why bother"
me-"i get it im terrible sorry i ever came into ur life"

him- "jen take it easy this is the last text i'm sending you"

me- "yeah i know because you want nothing to do with this fucking cunt again"
me- "have a wonderful night oh & i guess life too since we will never talk again"

after the last one i just cried til i passed out.

so i pretty sure as a result of my actions he will never speak to me again and i'm sure some of my friends won't either. i hate my life.

This post was last modified: 06-29-2008 02:42 AM by jenn.

i know it doesnt feel like it right now...
but you will be okay...

you deserve a guy who will love you to the ends of the earth.
dont settle for less.

This post was last modified: 06-29-2008 03:12 AM by jales.

(((((((((Jenn))))))))))
I think your friends will forgive you Apparently this is not the man for you. I know you feel really hurt now but, you will survive this and move on. When someone rejects us all we really can do is back out- gracefully.

He is one of how many millions of men in the world? There is someone out there for you, just not this one. The fact he said he was leading you on is sad. You do deserve better- really. You will find someone better suited to you.

Don't beat yourself up for last night. Everyone has made a fool out of themselves at one time or another. We are human beings and we f*ck up- plain and simple.

Try and take care of yourself. Do something you enjoy. Maybe you can have a night out with your girl friends?



Hope you get to feeling better soon,
Naleena

Hey,Jenn.
It's ok to fucken talk like this,man...
it reminds me a little what i have, oh gosh right now ....this whole sh is such a pain in the neck i swear...

i often hear :

him :"go to bed please..."
him:"go to class please..."
him:"relax please..."
him:"no ur not freaking me out anymore..."
him:"read ur book please..."

...don't know how long this is gonna go on like this
life sucks

This post was last modified: 06-29-2008 03:49 AM by Incognita.

My ex keeps changing cellphone numbers so I cant contact her :-(

And still I cant stop myself trying to get in touch

and it gets worse...

umm so turns out i said some really terrible things to him that i don't remember at all. i think i blacked out that night. he called my roommate and so did two of my friends. everybody thinks i'm out of control and hell they may be right. i have said things to him that i can't imagine saying to anyone i hated let alone love. i heard i left him in tears, as well as a couple of my friends.

i don't know anymore. i want to apologizes to him but i think its too late. i have fucked up royally.

it'll be okay... you'll will talk it through

on saturday, i decided to go out and get super drunk with a few people i barely know i hopes of forgetting what happened. friday wasawful and let me tell you things we even worse than i had originally thought. i knew things were bad, but like i didn;t get that upset because i really felt like in the scheme of things that no one noticed, that i really only ruined my night. that when i left they just sighed with relief.. i had no idea the damage i created.

when i was at work both two of my friends assured me that i wasn't that bad, that no one even noticed what happen. but i think they were trying to be kind and to not make me feel bad. two of my friends called D roommate, kinda best friend, i think i have mentioned her before) to tell her how out of control i was (she wasn't at the party). i guess they are really worried. according to them i said and did a lot of things i completely do not remember.

i caused a scene, i got super drunk, one of my friends was spilling my beer on purpose to get me to stop, i said things to this guy, i'll call him B to avoid confusion, like "so what is it are you like some kind of fucking faggot, is that why you won't go home with me." i'm pretty sure i have never called someone that ever. i did this in front of all of our friends. i was mean to him in a way i wouldn't even be to someone i really hate, let alone love. i am told i left him in tears, as well as (well maybe, i have a hard time believing any of this) two of my friends. all those text messages i sent him drunk caused B to also call D and leave some "annoying" (thats what she said) voice mail.

when i was told about this by D (and she didn't tell me everything yet), i honestly couldn't believe any of it, this is all completely out of character. i have been told they are all just worried about me. but after all that i really hate myself more than ever.

i sent B a text saturday night when i was drunk (because i am on a fucking bender) saying how sorry i am, how i know he hates me and that i understand, that i do really love him (how sad is it that i was only able to tell him that i love him until after things had ended and only through text message). i hate that that is how i chose to say that, through a text message how incredibly insincere that must look. i really want to apologize in person but it might be too late for all that.

i can't believe that i did any of this. i never wanted to hurt him, make him cry, i never would want him to hurt in anyway, or to have to experience any of the sort of emotions i have. by the way D told me this at work today. and yes B was there. i tried to avoid him, but unfortunately i had to talk to him briefly. it was awkward and i couldn't look him in the eye and it was all work related.

i was so confused by all that D told me that i couldn't react. i finally only cried when telling telling my friend G what happened. she picked me up from work tonight, made me dinner and listened to everything that happen. she did her best to distract me. her and her roommates invited me to hang out this week, which meant a lot i need some different people around me. and i have to stop making everyone around me hate me.

sorry that was long, and i assume terribly missppelled. and the first intial only to identify my friends is weird i know, i guess i'm a little parnoid.

i just needed to get it all out.

This post was last modified: 06-30-2008 04:06 PM by jenn.

trust me ..it will work out
you have great support from your friends..

and you and ben must talk again.. you cant avoid him forever..

you guys might not end up together,
but more likely than not the friendship is not completely over

EITHER WAY.... look at a movie, read yahoo answers or somthing
dont think about this whole thing for a while...
let some time pass so it can sort itself out okay..