i have only had one post so far and it was very whiny i'm sorry, i don't blame any of you if you don't read through them. i'm so pathetc to listen to. but i need to clear my head and this seems to be a way to do it.

i worked both friday and saturday nights, i was holding back tears the entire time. when i got back friday my roommate and i got into a fight and i went to bed sobbing.

saturday night was worst. i had to see the guy from work that i was involved with. i haven't seen him in a couple of weeks . he came up to me to make small talk our something but it made me want to burst out crying so i was a little rude to him so he'll leave me alone. i avoided eye contact with him for the same reason. i don't like being this way toward him but its the only way to protect myself from crying at work. i wish he still put his arms around me, kissed me and make me feel beautiful. but i know that will never happen again. i know i really would love to have him as at least a friend but i don't know how to do that with out crying and i sure him talking to me is him merely being polite. i know he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

after riding the bus home alone, i came back to an empty apt. i started sobbing hard because this is how its always going to be: i have no one to spend my time with, no one calls me up to make plans and i likewise have no one to call, i sit home alone, crying wishing i had a friend, someone to listen, help cheer me and to care.

but i fear there is nothing to care about. i must be alone because there's something wrong with be. i know that i'm overweight, ugly, stupid and deep down i must be truely be awful. i really wish i could completely get over the fact i'm unloveable because if the crying stops and at least that would mean i'm numb to it.

This post was last modified: 06-02-2008 04:01 AM by jenn.

I can really relate to a lot of what you wrote. Crying in public can be really embarrassing and it's so hard when you're already emotional and something triggers you more. You can't help being rude to the guy in that situation to protect yourself, you just need more time and space before you could try to be friends if you still wanted to.

You should never think there's something wrong with you though, because there isn't. Try not to be harsh on yourself *hugs*

Did you make up with your room mate?

Usually people can tell when others are having a really tough time. Maybe the guy at work noticed too (seems likely if you were almost in tears). If that's the case, if he's a decent guy he'll understand. I've had some complete breakdowns at work a few times over the years, and people have always understood. Chin up. Maybe it'll work out in the end.

You are being way to harsh on yourself. Yes we do that when we are feeling so far down and can even believe it. Still you are not unlovable, ugly, stupid or any of the harsh things that you used to characterize yourself. You are having a particularly hard time right now. It sounds fairly close to the time when this guy told you that he didn't want a 'serious' relationship. That can be rough. It is his loss and the next guys gain. There will be someone else who sees how great you are.

It sounds like you are depressed or close to it.

Demand some positives back in your life. Whatever they might be. A sunny day. A swim. Talking with a friend.

If, however, no matter what you do, you can't break out of the emotion turmoil, or you can't feel the positives when you know they're standing in front of you, you may want to seek treatment. Clinical depression is like being buried in the sand. No matter how much you try to dig, the walls cave in. If you find yourself in a hole like that, don't be afraid to ask someone to help you out of it.

Hiya

I do know how you feel. The job I have means I am in charge of a school...during the day it can be one of the most exciting and priviledged jobs in the world...sadly at the weekends it can be utter despair.

From 3-30pm on a Friday to 8am on a Monday it can be very lonely. My house is very empty and the cats just don't talk.

I felt very close to the way you are feeling now...but a couple of months ago I met the most beautiful woman in the world. I can now see the rest of my life completed.

Hang in there and things will turn around for you. I am always about if you need a shoulder to cry on. This site has lots of wonderful people on it from all around the world. We may not be next to each other in person but we are always their next to you in spirit.

Pull that head up and be proud to be you.

If you need me feel free to e-mail and I will get right back to you.

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((((((((((((((((((((((Jenn)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Great big monster hug for you! I am so sorry you are hurting inside. [/color]

no worries jenn, things will definitely turn out for the better. i just know it. when i was living in apartments with roomates, i would cry all the time just because i was really really depressed. ive cried at work before as well. i cry not just because of something specific but the whole "loneliness" thing (hence everything). crying relieves stress, so its a good thing. you do have people to listen to you. ya sometimes i wish i had a trusting friend that i can talk to with my heart opened and cheer me up in times of need, and not fuck me over. but we all do have friends that'll listen, on the internet! ive always thought I feel lonely because of the people around me make me feel that way. dont know if its the same with you, but it helps me to think that because sometimes its partially true. nothings wrong with you just the bad combination of people that come into contact with you and their shitty personalities to make you think that way.


cheer up jenn you can always PM, we all need some cheering up