[/align][/font][/color][font=Arial][align=center]well hello, yes it has been a while since ive been here. i just felt alone and unhappy still.
i have been in hospital a cpl of weeks ago at the royal melbourne. i was finding is so very hard to breath and i must be honest , i was more that a little scared as i thought i was very sick. you wouldnt beleive it, i had fluid on my lungs , which i thought, and it was very easy to fix and my stay was only a few days. it made me so bloody angry. why? because i thought i was really sick and it would only be a few months, like my father, and i would spend that time in hospital. but when they told me it was only fluid on my lungs and it is relatively easy to sort out i was just mad and angry...i thought it would be over sson and i wouild have hospital to take care [color=#0000FF]of me and have that feeling that someone cared.................what a joke , i cant even die easy....GOD HATES ME AND FIGURES I HAVENT SUFFERED ENOUGH.

(((((((((((((((((Michael))))))))))))))))))))))
I am so glad you stopped by. I asked about you on the board because you have been on my mind here lately. Why don't you stay in touch? I care about what happens to you. I'm not surprised to hear that you had a build up of fluid in your lungs as it is a part of the later stages of congestive heart failure. There are so many changes you will go through on your journey. Have you thought about what it is going to be like to die? Have you made peace with what is happening to you and your life?
I encourage you to consider calling hospice. They are a wonderful organisation.
They offer councelling and will help you work through your problems. There are people who want to help you and who would consider it an honour to be with you in your final days. This service is free and they will come to your home. They offer companionship, house cleaning, shopping, anything you need. I know you have chosen to let nature take it's course and I respect your decision. My only wish for you is that you will have a peaceful death among people who care for you.

Here is the web site to The Melbourne Zen Hospice:

http://www.zen.org.au/whatweoffer.html#homehelp

It's your choice, Michael. Please don't be afraid to reach out. I am here if you need a friend to talk to.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

Naleena

This post was last modified: 09-09-2008 07:09 AM by Naleena.

hello nalleena, thanks for you kind words and please dont worry about me.... i do want to feel loved and less alone but i cant find anywhere to live......i so desperately need somewhere i can call home for my remaining time but i am not priority im afraid...i am on the bottom of the list as i am white, i am male and i am single.
i am reaching out , thats why i have come here.........reaching out for a home , reaching out for love , reaching out for companionship....just plain old eraching out.

Micheal....do not give up on hope ya...maybe you can update me...or us...on how you are feeling =)

Dear Michael,
I just joined this forum,and came across your post.It really put alot of things in perspective for me,as I realise once again that there are so many people out there who suffer and are in more pain than I am. Thank you for that. You feel that you have no worth,but just by sharing your pain with us,you are touching so many lives and giving others strength.
I cant begin to presume what you are going through,but there are a few things I would like to share with you.
First of all,I know what its like to be abandoned,have been through it many times in my life with people I have loved and trusted.
You cant blame yourself,and think that there is something wrong with YOU,or lacking in YOU. Sometimes things just dont work out,for whatever reason,and we have to just keep going.As someone else mentioned,sometimes the only way out of the pain,is to go through it,fully. Let the pain come,and dont resist it.Cry,yell or scream, just let it out.Weep until there arent any tears left,and after it passes you will be left feeling lighter and cleansed.
In this world,everyone leaves us. Some do it on purpose,some cant help it. Our parents,children,lovers,friends.....nobody will be there forever. But we have to remember that we need to learn to love ourselves. That is so important! I spent years feeling worthless and wishing I had never been born,and felt that I was just a waste of space too.I even tried to kill myself a few times. But Im still here,and although life is far from easy,I do know today that the person I need to make peace with first and whose love I need the most is MYSELF.
You have to accept yourself,and forgive yourself.
As you have decided to let nature take its course,I respect your decision and would just like to say that while you still have time,please reconsider and think about getting in touch with your kids. My dad left me and my brother when we were both very young,but made it clear that he didnt want us and wouldnt bother about us at all.That is not the same as your case. You may move on soon,and be free of this world and all the pain it contains,but what about your kids? Suppose someday soon as they grow up,they decide to track down their dad and try and contact you.....only to find that its too late? They might have to live with alot of guilt and regret too. Please think about it. This may be your last chance to make peace with them.Not just for yourself,but for them too. Maybe this is the reason you are still around,and not because you need to suffer more.
I hope you dont mind what I have said,I just really wanted to share these few words with you,and let you know you are NOT ALONE.
Sending you loving positive energy and hugs.