I'm empty. My joy, my inspiration has been used up. My smile is gone.

So many wonderful things have happened to me recently...up for a big promo at work, new friends, etc...but yet despite all of this I can't be happy now. My soul, my heart, will not allow it. When I look deep into that spot that used to be filled hope, love, and peace...I find only emptyness there. And that makes me sad.

I am trying to find that special thing, something to grab onto that can make me smile. Something that can bring me a measure of peace yet again. But I don't know what it is to find. What does it look like? What does it feel like? Is it someone special? Is it a hug? Is it a kind word? Is it helping someone else? I don't know exactly, but what I do know is it is something that my heart does not have.

I have gotten lots of hugs, lots of kind words, compliments, etc...recently. As nice as they are, they do not fill that space. I suspect that what I do seek is much deeper than that.

If only I knew what it was...

I think that this is a storm that I must simply endure, something to ride out. I will just have to bear the pain, and let the tears that come flow. Perhaps when this darkness has ran its course, my soul will be replinished.

(((((((((((((((((((((Grundel))))))))))))))))))))
I am sorry you are feeling that emptiness today.
I wish I could help you. You are such a good man. Here is the biggest Naleena hug I can send to get you through today

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Grundel))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

This post was last modified: 07-31-2008 07:05 AM by Naleena.

Just 2 days ago i was happy. My heart uplifted, my future full of hope.

I no longer remember what that feels like. Just 2 days ago I was happy. 2 days... I have not known sadness or despair like this since...well since for as long back as I can remember. I am sure an outsider looking in will say 'there is always hope. There is always tomorrow...'. If they do say that, then they see what I am blind to.

I tried. At least I tried. I just don't have anything left.

Service, doing service to others is a good way to fill the emptyness.

Grundel, you just helped me figure-out something, man.

As a man inclined toward depression myself, I know that one of the worst things that a depressed person can have to deal with is someone else attempting to tell them how to get over it, so I am not going to do that. People just never really "truly get over depression," EVER. But I am going to tell you just what it is that I am going to do for myself and my own personal depression.

There is a song that I remember hearing about fifteen years ago. It is a song by a man known as Seal, called "Crazy ( http://video.aol.com/video/music-seal-cr...is/1733769 ) ( Alanis Morissette - Crazy (Seal Cover) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KCIgkLMiKo) ." The main chorus of the song is:

"But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Cray cray crazy ( http://www.seeklyrics.com/lyrics/Seal/Crazy.html ) "

There is more truth to the above lyrics than most people know. About twenty years ago, I was in an Intro to Biology class in college. My instructor's name was Dr. Tom Ford. I made an A (actually 102%) in that class and still remember Dr. Ford saying, "People who don't get depressed are able to lie to themselves," that "life actually does suck [sic], but people who never get depressed are able to tell themselves that it does not." This does not mean that they are any better or any worse than anyone else; they just seem to have a naturally built-in "mental shock absorber" if you will. They get to go through life blissfully ignorant of just how much life sucks.

So, the solution? Get a little crazy, man, consciously, willfully; and enjoy the heck out of it for the brief moments that you can. I was depressed enough this evening to Google "lonely people chat rooms" and finally stumbled into this forum. I made a few posts, and ultimately whiled away several hours getting "a little crazy" in one the chat rooms of the forum with like minded/hearted people and forgot all about being depressed and lonely for few brief, but shining, moments.

Yet when I left the chat room and got back to the forum, and then found this post of yours, I felt compelled to leave you this little gem that you yourself helped me to realize and find by enabling me to make the comparison between one moment of forgetful bliss and the next moment of crushing depression. I hope that you can appreciate this little piece of wisdom as I did, Grundel.

Depression will always be with us; we do not lie to ourselves, people like you and I. But we can "get a little crazy," for brief yet blazing moments, here and there, throughout the rest of our days. We can create space and time where we burn like the brightest star, and consciously forget to remember our personal woes. Though we will always return back to the doldrums of reality as we truly know it, our time away from our uncompromising, razor-sharp edge existence of complete and utter truth can be caught in a temporary stasis, and we can hang there for a little while, like "normal" people do, and suspend our disbelief in the lie that says that life is only good, and nothing is bad. . . .

I am one who believes that we do not smile because we are happy, but we are happy because we smile. Therefore, when we allow a little craziness to hit us, and we affect a smile, whether it be of tame or even feral countenance, we then can achieve precious moments of bliss.

Just "get a little crazy."

I heard somewhere that every person has a hormonal standard, and that major events can bring you up or down from there, but you'll return to the same level of happiness within a year or so, no matter what.
I'm not sure how much I believe that. Of course, I'm 17 so I've never lived when I was hormonally ballanced. So I could be wrong.

But peace? Peace is something I've been searching for. No one can tell you how to find that, because it only lives inside you. I can't help you there.

2 days can mean the difference to a lot of things to how we feel. When am down and struggling to come to terms with stuff I can be happy as anything and then in the next breath feel like not even breathing it self is easy.

They are a lot of interesting questions you ask, My personal thoughts on them is yes a hug is probably what your looking for. But not from anyone. I mean I get hugs at christmas when I exchange presents with my family. But its not the kinder hug I so crave for. I do love my mum, dad and sister Vere much. But to be able to get a hug of that special one person that you can tell everything to, The one that is your partner and best friend in the world, To get a hug like that would mean so much moor. Well not moor, Different. But this is the kinder hug that I crave for. I need the others as well. But we as humans need so much in order to feel appreciated and wonted by the world as a hole. This is one of them things that would make me feel good

I think most ppl make the mistake that there is one thing in life that well make them happy. I do not think this is true at all. There are plenty of ppl in love and not happy. It takes many things in life to be happy with yourself. Job, partner, kids if you wont them, friends and many many moor things. Health is also a big one.

Instead of looking for that special someone we should all be trying to become the best and most rounded person we can. After all the person you meet well be looking to you for happens. How are we going to make another person happy if where unable to make our self happy. Learn to love yourself first.

OMG, Am taking this rambling to a hole new level lol

Good track BTW bluehawk

Bluey,
I always believed that we must become what we seek in another.
Like attracts like. If I want a loving partner, I must be loving. If I want a partner who is sensitive to my needs, I must be sensitive to his needs. I think you have said a lot of things I find true

I once met a fellow who said every morning when he wakes up, he looks in the mirror and says,"I am my best friend." What a concept. To be your own best friend! Relationships come and go. People come into our lives for different reasons. Some for the long haul, others are temporary. But none of them random. The only one who will always be there is you. You will always have yourself so, it is a good idea to love yourself and get to know that person that you are.

As far as making another person happy, I think we can foster that in them. We can help them to find happiness within themselves by helping them to feel loved and accepted. You have inspired me this morning. I thank you for that.

This to me is one of the points of this place. To talk and hopefully to inspire one another and intern that well hopefully breed new life into us

I am feeling alot better now. I think the worse of the storm has passed. Thank you all