hi all,

so it's 12:30am on saturday morning, and i, once again, feel so utterly utterly alone. i shouldn't - i live with my boyfriend of 2 years. but i am starting to really realize how selfish and unaware he is. which is why i have been feeling more and more and more solitary for the past 6 months or so. it's such an awful feeling - i feel like it's starting to sink in that he's not the one, that i may have to end it, but that prospect would result in an entirely new level of loneliness that i'm not sure i'm ready for, as i've slowly and gradually let all my close friendships from years ago slip away so that he's all i have left. what i'm starting to get is that what i have left isn't much.

and it was a little-big thing that drove it home tonight, with him slamming the bedroom door and me now in the living room on the internet, on google, typing "i am so alone", and re-finding this site once again, registering, so i could purge. i have been growing orchids for about 2 years. he, actually, bought me my first pair of them, and i loved them right away and really took them on as a hobby i enjoyed. i had these original two on a window ledge in the bedroom. in order to open/close the window, you have to move them forward slightly, or else the latch will hit them and knock them to the ground. for literally the sixth time in the last year, he shoved the window open without moving them, and this time they both went crashing to the ground, and shattered. these being the ones i've raised from "babies" for the last 2 years, the ones HE bought for ME. he couldn't have cared less about my orchids, how this upset me, and got pissed because i "all of a sudden" didn't feel like jumping in bed with him. hence the slamming of the bedroom door. i am not sure how this reads to someone who doesn't know us, but to me, this is the millionth and first example of someone who is uncaring....it's getting too much, and this loneliness is growing steadily by the day. i probably cry myself to sleep at least once every week or so. i'm sorry if this seems rambly or silly, but even the act of typing it out like this is helping a bit...

i suppose i'm wondering if anyone else out there feels this same emotional loneliness, despite being in a relationship? how do you handle it?

thank you,
-rachel

rachel -
i obviously don't know you at all & certainly nothing about your relationship with your boyfriend. to me it sounds like there's not enough communication. do you actually tell him how bad you feel, how loneliness creeps in, or how you see his actions as showing you he doesn't care about you or your feelings?

it seems like you value the orchids he bought you (the babies you raised), so i don't know if you're really ready to get out of this relationship yet. if you're not able to talk to him about your feelings (all the stuff you said above), is there a possibility that he would read a letter if you poured your heart out that way?

but you're right...being out of a relationship does put you in a whole new level of loneliness. i personally would try to salvage this one before throwing it away. try communication first (without accusations.... you have to show your pain in a non-accusatory way to make it work to your advantage & to possibly get him to open up).

Hi Sweetie,

I'm happily married, but still found myself here on this site. I can totally relate to what you are going through. Also, I find the way he treated your orchids to be totally assholish. Perhaps he was 'accidentally' breaking them because he was being passive aggressive. In any case, you had put a lot of work into them and he broke the pots (can you still repot them)?

I've read that some of women's lonelinest times has been lying in bed next to their husbands. Marriages can be lonely. Relationships can be lonely. If there are problems or tensions, then it's incredibly lonely within the relationship.

This guy sounds like a jerk, if I were you I'd do so soul searching and see if you could at least live apart, or if not totally just break up.

Hugs, LG

Hi Rachel!

I don't know you or him well, so I'm probably going to give more benefit of the doubt than I should. As guys, we're pretty arrogant. He probably thought he could have opened the window without moving the plant, sadly he was mistaken. I'm sure this thing was one of many where you guys butt heads. These kind of things can escalate if there isn't communication because you may brood about it if he's completely unaware of it. He'll get even angrier because he won't be sure why you're angry, and he'll consider it hopeless because he doesn't understand. It's a vicious cycle!

I wish you the best. If all else fails, put a fluffy pillow next to the window!

Hi Rachel,

I can relate to your situation, which sounds like an unhappy one. I'm in a relationship too, I live with my boyfriend. And he's often thoughtless and unfeeling, but he's not a monster, he has qood qualities. Yet, even when I'm with him, I feel so alone. A lot of people have difficulty dealing with their emotions, my boyfriend does. He'll do things sometimes, or say something to me that just leaves me speechless. Often times it seems those that are supposed to love us often treat us pretty shabbily.
All of it has to do with respect. If a guy doesn't respect ya, he's not worth your time. It took me far too long to figure that one out..

I'm sorry about your orchids. I know how much work growing things can be. I grow rare herbs and flowers when I can, so I know exactly how it feels if someone destroys something you grew from a tiny baby.

I don't think there's anything wrong with crying, it can be very healing. I cry quite a lot these days, and I usually feel a lot better afterwards..

Hugs,

Cleo





hi all,

so it's 12:30am on saturday morning, and i, once again, feel so utterly utterly alone. i shouldn't - i live with my boyfriend of 2 years. but i am starting to really realize how selfish and unaware he is. which is why i have been feeling more and more and more solitary for the past 6 months or so. it's such an awful feeling - i feel like it's starting to sink in that he's not the one, that i may have to end it, but that prospect would result in an entirely new level of loneliness that i'm not sure i'm ready for, as i've slowly and gradually let all my close friendships from years ago slip away so that he's all i have left. what i'm starting to get is that what i have left isn't much.

and it was a little-big thing that drove it home tonight, with him slamming the bedroom door and me now in the living room on the internet, on google, typing "i am so alone", and re-finding this site once again, registering, so i could purge. i have been growing orchids for about 2 years. he, actually, bought me my first pair of them, and i loved them right away and really took them on as a hobby i enjoyed. i had these original two on a window ledge in the bedroom. in order to open/close the window, you have to move them forward slightly, or else the latch will hit them and knock them to the ground. for literally the sixth time in the last year, he shoved the window open without moving them, and this time they both went crashing to the ground, and shattered. these being the ones i've raised from "babies" for the last 2 years, the ones HE bought for ME. he couldn't have cared less about my orchids, how this upset me, and got pissed because i "all of a sudden" didn't feel like jumping in bed with him. hence the slamming of the bedroom door. i am not sure how this reads to someone who doesn't know us, but to me, this is the millionth and first example of someone who is uncaring....it's getting too much, and this loneliness is growing steadily by the day. i probably cry myself to sleep at least once every week or so. i'm sorry if this seems rambly or silly, but even the act of typing it out like this is helping a bit...

i suppose i'm wondering if anyone else out there feels this same emotional loneliness, despite being in a relationship? how do you handle it?

thank you,
-rachel
[/quote]

Yes Rachel, I am in a relationship (I think) and I do feel alone. At times; painfully alone. Physically painful. In my case we are not living together and he says he is confused about how he feels about me but doesn't want to lose me. It is a yucky yucky feeling...what does one do with that?

I always hate to hear the little inconsiderate things that pop up in relationships because we all have that moment of clarity where we realize we can't take people for granted...I just wish that everyone had that moment more often.

I hope that you are true to yourself and your feelings as you possibly can be. If he is unwilling to change his behavior the feelings of lonliness and disrespect will change you and you won't be able to put the love into the relationship anymore that all relationships need.

I was in an on-off relationship with someone for five years, and towards the end I found myself thinking those same thoughts, that I feel so lonely even though I'm with someone. That relationship ended about a year ago, and it's true that being outside a relationship is a lonely experience. However, imo you shouldn't let the fear of being alone keep you with someone you are not happy with. I won't pretend like I'm familiar with the dynamics of your relationship, but the fact is that you feel lonely with this man and that isn't right. I've experienced a fulfilling relationship so I know it's possible, and I know that when you begin to feel lonely it might be time to move on. You owe it to yourself.

I'm fond of the analogy with Endgame by Samuel Beckett. The two characters cannot stand each other, yet they are codependent and both of them are afraid to leave. Situations like this tend to perpetuate themselves until the cycle is broken somehow, and it takes a great deal of courage to do that. I can tell you firsthand that life after a breakup is never as bad as you fear it to be. The person you are with is there to compliment you. When they begin to define you, that is unhealthy.

I won't say categorically whether you should break up, but it's NOT cool that he slammed the bedroom door as some sort of punitive measure against you, when it was he whose clumsiness started the whole conflict. That's abuse. I'm saying that because that's the way I used to treat my ex. I was wrong for it, but I behaved that way because I was unhappy. I felt restrained, constricted, like I had compromised my future for some small comfort in the present, and I was ashamed of myself for it. I can honestly say I am happier now, though I must constantly remind myself how miserable I was then.

Whether you stay or leave, you need friends outside this relationship. It's NOT cool that you feel he's all you have left. Join a group, volunteer for a cause, find something you're passionate about and be public about it, and you will attract others with similar interests. You owe that to yourself.