when i had just broken up with my ex who was cheating on me, everyone would say "don't worry. you are a great guy. i'm sure you'll find someone in no time".

after 4 months had gone by without even going on a real date, i would openly gripe about my lack of success, and those same people would say things like "well it's only been a few months. as soon as you stop trying so hard you'll find someone..."

after one year, the responses would be a little more terse. "you need to stop worrying about it...." "you'll never find anyone if you keep looking so hard."

we're on year two, and now people just pretend not to hear me when i mention it.

everyone loves a story with a happy ending. no one wants to be part of a sad story, even indirectly.

Hi "it's funny!" You're quite perceptive in people's responses to situations. I went through a similar situation where my husband cheated on me . . . happens all too often it seems. We had dated since high school, through college (long distance at that!) then after six years of marriage he started seeing a girl who had just graduated from law school. Really does something for the ego; even though I have a master's degree it would have been easier to take if it had been a waitress or something!! It's been years now; I'm remarried going on two years. But was single for 6 years before that all happened. I guess to some degree it's making the most of life where you're at, huh? It's good to know there are other people who go through the same things with some degree of sanity left ; ) I still struggle with that "monkey on my back" so to speak and probably still working through "stuff." All in all, I think good friends are the most important folks to keep around though waving a magic wand doesn't make all that happen so easily either. "Here's to knowing how life turns out in ways you didn't intend despite how hard you may have tried. Meantime, may you have many friends and many fun times that make the days worth their while. . . Cheers!";)

Perhaps people have stopped replying because they realize that what they were saying was not doing anything for you.  You said you kept complaining and bringing it up over and over again.  Well, there are only a few things people can really say when you are single and not having much luck.  They can offer platitudes and encouragement.  After offering those to you over and over, you still continued to say the same things.  Obviously what they were saying was not affecting you, and they probably couldn't think of anything else to say.  I wouldn't look at this as people treating you badly or disrespecting you.  Just think of it this way:  they have tried to offer you encouragement over and over again, it didn't help, and now they can't think of anything else that could help you.  Of course they're going to ignore you when you bring the subject up again.  Neither you nor they are getting anything out of those conversations, so why keep repeating them?  No doubt the people on the other end of the conversation are just as frustrated as you.

These people probably care about you.  Perhaps they are your friends or your family.  Try to look on the bright side and see that having people that you can talk to is a good thing, even if the talking doesn't amount to anything.

This post was last modified: 05-23-2007 06:55 AM by Elaeagnus.

I love that . . . people you "can talk to is a good thing, even if the talking doesn't amount to anything." Funny, funny.

let me get one thing straight - i never said that i "kept complaining" or that i brought it up over and over again. but regardless, you missed the point of my post. what i was talking about was how people are quick to be supportive when things aren't so heavy. but when things get a little more serious and they can't get by with just a quick "keep your chin up" anymore, they pretend that they don't hear you or they just rather not know. the funny thing is that nothing seems to stop them from talking about their relationships or their marriages or anything that a lonely person really doesn't need to hear about so often. it's ok for them to gripe about how "bob goes to bed so much earlier than me so we don't make love as often as i'd like", but when i reply with "I miss having someone to sleep next to" all of a sudden the conversation dies.

for those who are quick to lecture, it isn't that i'm moping around going "woe is me, i'm still single wah wah wah." sorry if you took my post that way - i'll be more specific next time. when i first became single, of course i was in a state of shock and i couldn't help but talk about it with those who are close to me. that's when people would say stuff like "don't worry, you'll find someone else in no time" or "i have a friend that went through the same thing and he actually found his wife to be within X months" or something like that. now that time has gone by, its more like i'll be at work and i'll look up at the calendar and realize that another six months or so has gone by and i still have yet to be on a real date (i've been on a few fake ones with girl i went to college with who pretended to be single, but turns out she was just looking for an escape from her semi-serious relationship with some guy). i'll be at lunch that day with a friend and i'll say something like "do you know it's been two years since i've been single, and i still haven't even come close to finding someone?", with the usual response being "stop worrying about it" or no response at all. I'm not looking for anything but a "darn, sorry to hear that. how are you holding up?" or something similar. an opportunity to talk about how i'm feeling a little bit. but when they pretend like they don't hear you or when they tell you to "not worry about it" it feels like they really don't want to hear anymore about it. these kinds of things are very sensitive to a person going through this, and its hard to talk about it without some kind of reassurance that the listener really is ok with hearing you out. when people respond with silence or with a dismissive comment (or a lecture like Elaeagnus's above) it feels like they are telling you to shut the hell up and stop raining on their parade. i mean, that is their right. but being more supportive is the least they could do if they are going to talk about their relationship "problems" and whatever's going on in their happy lives.

I know that i'm not the only one who has to deal with this kind of thing. even if we aren't "getting anything out of those conversations".

thanks for the reply. that's the kind of empathy that someone feeling what i'm feeling needs every once in a while.

poidog-
I'm sorry if you took offense to my post.  Let me clarify a few things though.

First, the definition of gripe is "to complain constantly or naggingly", so when you used the word gripe in your initital post, that's what I thought you were doing.  Your second post clarifies that you were just bringing this up every now and then, and not constantly.  However, I'm sure you can understand why I interpreted what you wrote the way I did.

Second, I was not trying to lecture you.  I thought that you were upset that your friends and family only wanted to talk to you when things were good.  I was suggesting that the reason this is so is because they have no way to help you and their encouragements didn't work.  As such, they were ignoring you because they were probably feeling uncomfortable and frustrated.

Again, I apologize if I offended you in any way.  When you add a post, people are going to post a reply, including their opinions, in many cases.  I get the feeling from your initial post and your follow-ups that you would prefer someone to commiserate with, rather than other views or opinions.  That's fine.  Sometimes we all want someone who says they understand and nothing more.

At any rate, if that's what you're looking for here, I won't try to offer you any different opinions (I'm sure you'll be glad; I know I can be quite chatty ).  Good luck!  

This post was last modified: 05-23-2007 08:42 PM by Elaeagnus.

poidog-
I'm sorry if you took offense to my post.  Let me clarify a few things though.

First, the definition of gripe is "to complain constantly or naggingly", so when you used the word gripe in your initital post, that's what I thought you were doing.  Your second post clarifies that you were just bringing this up every now and then, and not constantly.  However, I'm sure you can understand why I interpreted what you wrote the way I did.

Second, I was not trying to lecture you.  I thought that you were upset that your friends and family only wanted to talk to you when things were good.  I was suggesting that the reason this is so is because they have no way to help you and their encouragements didn't work.  As such, they were ignoring you because they were probably feeling uncomfortable and frustrated.

Again, I apologize if I offended you in any way.  When you add a post, people are going to post a reply, including their opinions, in many cases.  I get the feeling from your initial post and your follow-ups that you would prefer someone to commiserate with, rather than other views or opinions.  That's fine.  Sometimes we all want someone who says they understand and nothing more.

At any rate, if that's what you're looking for here, I won't try to offer you any different opinions (I'm sure you'll be glad; I know I can be quite chatty ).  Good luck!  

no apology needed. i think what set me off is that your reply sounded a lot like what you would hear from someone who doesn't understand. but since we are all here on this message board, i should have not taken it that way. i'm just frustrated, that's all.

thanks for replying.

I understand, me and my ex broke up 2 years ago + I didn't haven't had a date for almost 2 years my life is a mess, I'm depressed but trying, I was 'with' a woman the other night, not my type, but I sure as hell am not picky, but I'm not looking for anything ore to happen, I have learned not to get my hope up. I wish you the best.

i totally understand what you mean about "not getting my hopes up". when i first became single i would get all excited whenever i met a new MOS, only to be extra disappointed when nothing came of it. now i consider myself to be extra pessimistic and i expect things to go sour before they even happen.