a fahter to his teenage son

"son, its time that we talk about sex"

son replies
" sure pop, what du u wanna know?"

Actually that is exactly how the conversation between me and my dad went lol My dad was like OK well am here if you need me mate lol

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting really big…….I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the Barbecue grill.”

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom.

“Yes, I was right………your butt is two inches wider than our barbecue grill!”

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big grill for one lousy little sausage?”

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5, 3-5, 3-5…

Little Johnny and his grandfather are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The grandfather takes out a cigarette and lights it.

Little Johnny says, “Grandpa, can I try one of your cigarettes?”

“Can you touch your butt with your penis?”

“No,” replies Little Johnny.

“Then, you’re not big enough,” explains the grandfather.

A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it.

Little Johnny then asks, “Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?”

“Can you touch your asshole with your penis?”

“No,” says Little Johnny.

“Then, you’re not old enough.”

Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry so he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies, and eats one.

The grandfather looks at him and says, “They look good, can I have one of your cookies?”

“Can you touch your asshole with your penis?”

“I most certainly can!” says the grandfather proudly.

“Then go fuck yourself… these are my cookies!”

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, “Ah, OK, sure, I’ll help you.”
The man asks, “Can you unzip my zipper?”
Bob says, “OK.”
Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?”
Bob replies, “Uh, yeah, OK.”
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, “Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.”
Bob says, “No problem, but what the hell’s wrong with your penis?”
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, “I don’t know, but I ain’t touching it.

A woman went to the police station and complained that she is being sexually harrassed by her colleague. The policeman asked “What does he do?”. She replied “Everyday morning he comes to me and says ‘your hair smells good today’!”. The policeman was confused “Ok madam… but how can you call this sexual harrassment?”. The woman said “He is 3 feet tall!”

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, “Sir, can you tell me the time?” The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, “It is a quarter to three, young man.”

“Thanks,” said the boy. “At exactly three o’clock you can kiss my ass.”

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him.

He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.

“Why are you running like this at your age?” asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, “That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!”

“So his friend said whats the hurry? You still got 15 mins.”

Height of Honesty - A pregnant woman asking the bus conductor for one & a half ticket.
Height of Confusion - Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles.
Height of pain - A monkey sliding down a knife’s edge using balls as his brakes.
Height of irritation - Sneezing while peeing
Height of Foolishness - A guy peeping thru’ the keyhole of a glass door.
Height of Itch - A fat man hanging (upside down) from a roof trying to scratch his balls.

Find which type u are by pissing method........

EXCITABLE TYPES Pants are twisted, can’t find fly, and finally rips pants in anger.
SOCIAL TYPES Joins pals for a píss whether or not he wants to or not.
TIMID TYPES Cannot píss if anyone is watching, pretends he has already píssed, and sneaks back later.
NOISY TYPES Whistles loudly, peeps over partition to take a look at the other fellow’s tool.
INDIFFERENT TYPES All urìnals are occupied. písses in the sink.
CLEVER TYPES Písses without holding tool in the hand and shows off by adjusting tie.
VAIN TYPES Undoes five buttons when two would do.
INTELLECTUAL TYPES Opens vest, takes out tie, and písses in his pants.
ABSENT-MINDED TYPES Not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive examination of his tool while píssing.
CHILDISH TYPES Looks at bubbles in bottom of urìnal while píssing.
STRONG TYPES Bangs tool on the side of urìnal to knock off the last drops.
DRUNKEN TYPES Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one back, and písses in his pants.
COCKEYED TYPES Stands at one urìnal and písses at the next one.
SHY TYPES Covers his tool with both hands and písses through his fingers.
NASTY TYPES Takes dick out, starts píssing, sneezes violently, and písses all over the next guy.