A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles along for company.
One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies, and before long, discovers he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle
sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to
five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged. You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?
It was Spring Time and Running Bear felt it was time to get a woman so he went to the Medicine Man. The Medicine Man asked if he knew what to do with a woman and Running Bear admitted he didn't know. The Medicine Man told Running Bear to go into the woods and find a tree with a hole in it waist high and practice until he knew what to do with a woman. Then Running Bear disappeared into the woods. Sometime later Running Bear came to the Medicine Man and told him he now knew what to do with a woman. After the Medicine Man introduced Running Bear to a beautiful maiden named White Dove Runnng Bear took her to a tipi near the edge of the village. He then asked her to take off her dress and bend over. Shrugging she did so and was very surprised when he hit her betwen the legs. When White Dove asked him why he hit her like that Running Bear said ~ "I was checking for Bees."
OVERHEARD IN A CYBERSEX CHAT ROOM..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WELLHUNG: Hi Babe. What do you look like?
HOTBABE: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
WELLHUNG: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
HOTBABE: I want you. Would you like to do me?
WELLHUNG: OK
HOTBABE: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
WELLHUNG: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
HOTBABE: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
WELLHUNG: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
HOTBABE: I'm moaning softly.
WELLHUNG: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
HOTBABE: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
WELLHUNG: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
HOTBABE: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
WELLHUNG: I'll pay for it.
HOTBABE: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
WELLHUNG: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
HOTBABE: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching backundoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
WELLHUNG: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
HOTBABE: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
WELLHUNG: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
HOTBABE: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
WELLHUNG: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
HOTBABE: What?
WELLHUNG: I'm so sorry. Really.
HOTBABE: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
WELLHUNG: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
HOTBABE: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
WELLHUNG: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
HOTBABE: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
WELLHUNG: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on your...umm... wait a minute.
HOTBABE: What's the matter?
WELLHUNG: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
HOTBABE: Are you OK?
WELLHUNG: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
HOTBABE: Can I help?
WELLHUNG: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
HOTBABE: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
WELLHUNG: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
HOTBABE: Come back to me, lover.
WELLHUNG: I'm washing the cup now.
HOTBABE: I'm on the bed arching for you.
WELLHUNG: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
HOTBABE: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
WELLHUNG: I found it.
HOTBABE: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
WELLHUNG: Me too.
HOTBABE: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
WELLHUNG: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
HOTBABE: Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
WELLHUNG: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
HOTBABE: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
WELLHUNG: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
HOTBABE: Hurry back, lover.
WELLHUNG: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
HOTBABE: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
WELLHUNG: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
HOTBABE: What's the matter now?
WELLHUNG: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
HOTBABE: Mmm, yes. Come on.
WELLHUNG: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
HOTBABE: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
WELLHUNG: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
HOTBABE: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
WELLHUNG: I'm flaccid.
HOTBABE: What?
WELLHUNG: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
HOTBABE: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
WELLHUNG: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
HOTBABE: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
WELLHUNG: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
HOTBABE: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
WELLHUNG: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
A none-too-smart girl sits on the subway reading the paper. Suddenly the giant headline catches her attention: 10 Brazilian soldiers killed by insurgents.
Gasping, she looks to her right and exclaims, "OMG... this is awful... those poor soldiers! Do you know how many a Brazilian is? I suck at math..."
A none-too-smart girl sits on the subway reading the paper. Suddenly the giant headline catches her attention: 10 Brazilian soldiers killed by insurgents.
Gasping, she looks to her right and exclaims, "OMG... this is awful... those poor soldiers! Do you know how many a Brazilian is? I suck at math..."
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