2 guys are sitting in a bar and one guy says to the other "you know, i could have sex with any woman in here"
the other guy says "yeah, how's that?"
to which he responds, "i'm a rapist"

A blonde and a redhead were walking down the street. They pass a flower shop and the redhead says,"Oh, great." The blonde asks whats the matter and the redhead says her boyfriend is in the shop buying flowers. The blone says, "So." The redhead says that if her boyfriend buys her flowers she will have to have her legs straight up in the air for three days. Then the blonde says, "What, don't you have a vase!"

lol that was funny

A new perfume

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to
the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays
it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you
think, Tracy"

"Yeah. What's it called Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What the does that mean?"

At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi,
ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again
saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell
like come to you?"

wow, yeah that was funny ahahha.

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort
way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for
five days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned
about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they
were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside
answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you do me a favor ?? Stop throwing the peels out the window?
They're choking my ducks!"

One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking!
He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing.
He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boys testicles, and
squeezed.

Out popped the quarter.

The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

A man wakes up one morning and realizes his penis has turned orange. He visits his doctor who writes a prescription for antibiotics and asks him to return only if the condition does not clear up. A week later the man returns to the doctor, this time his penis is even more orange than before!! The doctor opens his medical book and begins asking the man a series of questions to help find the cause of his orange penis. "Have you been any where near a nuclear power plant" the doctor asks. "No" the man replies. "Have you been around any type of radioactivity" the doctor wants to know. Again "No" the man answers. "Have you been around any type of nuclear waste--think carefully." "No" the man quickly replies. "Think carefully" says the doctor "maybe at work they have some nuclear waste stored and you are unaware of it." "No--that is impossible" says the man "I lost my job 2 weeks ago." "Okay--your schedule has changed so possibly you NOW visit a place during the course of the day where nuclear waste is stored. Tell me everywhere you go from the minute you wake up until you go to bed at night. That will help me diagnose your orange penis." "Well" the man says "since I was fired I really don't leave the house very much--I just sit around all day watching porno movies and eating Cheetohs"

An old gentleman went to the doctor and asked for a prescription for Viagra. "And could you please," he said, "have them cut into four pieces." The doctor replied, "it won't work like that, sir." The old man giggled and said, "Well, I'm 94 years old and I don't care anything about sex anymore, but I need enough to keep me from peeing on my shoes!"

Thanks for the jokes Rebel.