hello. well its me , michael, here for my first post other than my intro. well as some may know of my situation i wont bother with details. I AM SO DESPERATELY LONELY NOW AS IT SEEMS I WONT MAKE XMAS.damn caps.lol.......sorry.
as i said , it seems that my time is running out and i will be lucky to see the end of the year. i am out of breath and energy nearly all the time now and i only shower when i really need too as just getting up the stairs takes it all out of me. once im up stairs i have to rest half an hour before i shower and once i shower and back down stairs i am exhausted. im also sleeping about 14-16 hrs a day now. i look forward to the day i fall asleep and just dont wake up. ive been told it is one of the most peaceful ways to go ,so im glad of that. i know at 44 its still young to be going but i feel all the pain will end and the miserable life i had will soon be forgotten(if even remembered). i just wish i could talk to someone who understands and excepts my decision. under normal circumstances someone in my position would fight and try to hold on but without my ex and my little angels ,i see no point. i think thats why the disease is picking up pace and progressing faster than it normally would have.
lol.......just a stupid thought.............(laughing) after 15yrs i wish i could have sex.......? oh well
please if there is anyone who would like to chat with me please let me know .
regards ,
michael

Hi again michael. I hope your on a good day to day. Do you not have a carer come in and help you with the shower and just the moor mondiaen things that we all have to do from day to day?

Can I ask a couple of things if I may? Firstly are you in any physical pain? and secondly are you frightened of dying?

If you had the chance to be well again and for this to go away would you take it? If the answer is yes then why are you not fighting this?

I know you have not seen your kids in many years. OK you say you don't wont to hurt them. But if I had a dad that died and I never got the chance to meet and say goodbye that would hurt. I know your just trying to protect them but they are probably stronger then you give them credit for.

You michael really do have nothing to lose here. I would try and get in contact with your children. As for as deciding to not fight this. Well this is up to you of course. But give your self a chance to be happy for a bit. Why do you not wont to talk to your kids why you still have the chance?

A lot of questions I know but this is cos we know so little about you.

This post was last modified: 06-24-2008 04:41 AM by Bluey.

(((((((((Michael))))))))))
I've thought about you and wondered how you were doing. I sent you a couple of notes when you first came to us but, don't know if you ever got them. I will be glad to listen if you need a friend. I can only imagine how lonely it must be for you right now. Write me if you would like to talk.

Naleena

Hi Michael,

My heart goes out to you. I hope you're doing better.

I really think you should talk to your kids. If that's too hard, you should write to them or do something to get in contact with them. You're their father, and they'll regret it terribly if they hadn't communicated with you until it was too late. When my mom passed away, lots of things went on in my head, but I mostly felt overwhelmingly guilty for not being with her more (I was at college) and having a proper last conversation. I really think that talking to your kids, saying what must be said and seeing them while you can will give both parties a sense of completion and peace.

Michael, I am so sorry that life has made you feel you want no more of it. I read your post yesterday and I kept thinking about it, Like what can I say to this guy?
You seem to have an acceptance of your situation, I admire you for that, don't think I would be so brave. I just want to echo what others have said about getting in touch with your kids in some way. I really think that's important, for you and them.

It's hard enough for a person to be lonely, but coupled with a severe sickness I can't even imagine. I'm sure there's plenty of people here who are willing to listen and help in any way that they can...but, if you need one more feel free to drop me a line or two. I'm always around.

If it means anything, the fact that you're still here and fighting makes you a true warrior in my book. Best of luck...

Hi to those who asked questions and thanks for your replies.
Bluey asked a few so I guess ill try to answer those the best I can.
Yes I am in some minor pain, I sometimes get chest pain and and it feels like a pulling on my chest. Sometimes I get very light headed as it seems I might faint. I have fainted a cpl of times, at least I think it was fainting, just get very light feeling and my heart feels like its missed a beat and my legs buckle and down I go. I wake almost straight away. Did it outside once and scraped my head on a brick wall, had nasty gravel rash on my forehead for a few days...lol..
If i had the chance to be well again would I take it? To be honest no , I dont think so. When Debbie left and took the kids my world ended and I have struggled all these yrs to get on with my life and to move forward but I just cant do it.......I chose to drive roadtrains because I just didnt want anyone near me I just lost the will for life and to function outside work. This will sound silly but I feel that I have been dead for all these yrs and my body just wouldnt stay still. I lost all hope and faith and couldnt see myself getting better. The funny thing is, I longed for death but was too scared of suicide. When I was diagnosed I was already in hospital and it makes me angry that I had my heart failure there because anywhere else and I would have died but because I was already in and being monitered I was "saved".
I have spent about 8 weeks in hospital over 4 stays in the last 16 months and Im afraid to go again in case I never come out. I will admit that as time gets closer and I get sicker I am getting very scared, not of dying but dying alone .I so want to feel loved.
I have the forms here with me and they are all filled out for the salvos to locate my children but I struggle so much in the letter I must write to be passed on to my children. I cant find the words and yet I want to say so much .
There are things about me that I am not proud of and I know I could have done better with my life. There are many people who have tried to help and I have betrayed them because I have been blinded by my pain. Over the years I have hurt alot of people, not intentionally, but still have hurt them. People have lent me money and I havent paid them back, tried to give me guidence and I have turned my back .
I guess I deserve what is/has happened to me . I just regret so much that even with a chance of getting better I dont want it. I am so unhappy and so lost without my wife and Dillan and Jess.
I cry most nights, even after 15 yrs, they are always in my thoughts and the first conscious thought I have when I wake is Debbie. I want to hate her, I want to stop loving her but I cant.
The worst pain is knowing she is with another and my kids grew up calling someone else daddy.
I would do anything just to talk to her and hold her hand again.
Even now the tears are flowing, its just so hard.
I am no angel but I never hurt her or my kids and I cant understand why I have been punished like this.
I would love to hold onto someone and cry but I cant even do that.
People I apologies for my writing , as you can tell im not that well educated and not really that good with a computer so forgive me.
Michael

Michael words fail me also. I am so sorry for your losses and i can understand you decision to stop your medication. I wish there was something that i could say that may possibly be of some small comfort but words fail me as they so often do. I do wish you the best whatever that may be for you.

I would imagine that many of us would feel that way. Many things in retrospect that we would have done differently.

Michael you are honest here in that you tell us all that you have not always been a good person and even not paid money back that you have borrowed and stuff like that. Well we all have things in life that we regret and things that we should maybe have handled differently. Thing is its hard to forgive someone when they have not treated you right. I think its even harder to forgive your self. Think about it. If you have done wrong by someone when do you stop beating your self up over it? I mean that person you are looking for forgiveness from may never forgive you. Dose this mean that you have to carry that with you for all your life? I would say if you know with in yourself that you have changed then you hopefully well fined it with in your self not just to forgive the wrong doings that have been made against you but to forgive yourself for what you have done to others. This way where able to draw a line under things and then move on.

If I had kids and I know that they was calling some other man dad I would to be very hurt by this but at the same time would hopefully understand why my kids would be doing that. Dose not stop it from hurting even if you understand I know. just as you can still love someone but at the same time not like them.

We all here have a limited time in this life. I mean anyone of us could go to day. So we all have to make the most out of the time we have left. You know roughly what time you have and have to make the most of that. set your self a time when you know you well have free time in the day and a time you know that you well be feeling up to seating down and writing a letter out to your kids. make sure there are no distractions and keep to the time. you may even rip it up and start again like a million times. But I feel for you its going to be probably one of the most important letters you ever Write. You ow it to yourself and to your kids to talk be for its to late. You know there are a lot of ppl in the world that have fall out with there kids and never talk again. Probably cos they think they have all the time in the world, You know you do not. I would say that should give you moor motivation then most ppl that don't talk to family members.

And no need to apologias about the gammer mate. I have the worst grammar ever. Its not important. Just as long as we understand one another and I would not have thought your grammar was bad at all.

This post was last modified: 06-25-2008 05:30 PM by Bluey.

What a gut wrenching post. A few things in it that ring true with me, especially about still loving the ex.

Don't know what else to say mate........really. This is the most emotional posting I have read on here.