I was feeling good til today when i had a breakdown of sorts. Just the usual crying and flinging the bed (yes the bed) across the room. It really kinda came out of nowhere. Im not sure where the flood of thoughts came from, but it had something to do with somehting i saw on TV. I get really... jolted when i see other people being affectionate. It makes me go a bit crazy.

This post was last modified: 03-17-2008 10:01 AM by Darkest Seraphim.

Not that this will go to the root of the problem (too busy right now) but if anger is a part of that breakdown, a boxing-bag is really great to get it out on fast. I'm getting my second one soon.

Sounds like it's just something you want really badly, and it's very frustrating either not having it or not knowing how to get it.

I used to feel that way too. It took me many years to accept that all that affection stuff...it's not for me. It doesn't play out like in a book or in the movies.

I ended up putting my time into other things, like work or a very involved and time consuming hobby. It really helps those feelings of frustration when you can busy yourself and drown out those thoughts. It's how I learned to deal with it.

I second what FriskyMarmot has said. Your experience might be one of the subconscious reasons I stopped watching TV long ago

Seriously, though, I have had a lot of similar breakdowns. Usually when I hit things or throw things or yell it's because I'm angry at someone or similarly spiteful, though; when I think about people being affectionate, I just get depressed. You know how it goes, but we all have this question to ask ourselves: Why?

Physical affection is a base human desire, and in many people's cases I believe it's well above sex; just to have someone hold you, I'd imagine, would be a very comforting experience. However, life is extremely hard to look straight in the eye: I see it as, "The day I die, I'm not going to have that to fall back on." So what can I do? Does it mean that I should go my entire life without physical affection? I don't want to, and I guess I shouldn't, but I'm currently choosing that path. Howcome? The reason is what FriskyMarmot said, who has (by my assumption) FAR more experience with all of this than I do, and in having more experience seems to be far more at peace with such a decision...that is, to focus on your passions, to develop them, and in doing so to willingly give up that frustration resulting from loneliness.

A concept I have read in many essays (many as in two?...<_<) is such that the attachment we have to life has very little to do with the happiness we wring from it, and I find that to be true. You must grip your passion and wring all you can out of it, as that will be what is going to save you in the end; in fulfilling your deepest desires, which I'm sure must run farther than physical affection (trust me, I know the pain of never having anyone beside me), you will near completion much more effectively. It may be a lot more painful, but you'll be much better off. Don't give up the hope of happiness, but don't rely on it either; as goes a line in one of my favorite artist's songs, "Much worse than something is nothing but hope."

Take care, and I hope you can start working towards a resolution with all of this soon. Don't give up, and be gentle with that bed (although not 'gentle' in the way that I am during my 'alone' time...I'm alone a lot, and if you started doing anything 'like that' I think people would start worrying)!

EDIT: I didn't see Robin's post when I started mine; I second that as well. I forgot to support that point that taking out frustration in the instinctive way is necessary in many, many situations, and if you can avoid unleashing your wrath on people or animals or any other living thing (well, I wouldn't mind if you came over to my house and went on a mosquito or fly-killing rampage), it should make you feel a lot better. From firsthand experience, though, I don't recommend punching lockers that hard. It hurts more than you'd think it would.

This post was last modified: 03-18-2008 02:36 PM by midnightlamp.

Such breakdowns are normal, and I wouldn't be too concerned with them, but it does sound like that you need a release for your stress and frustrations at life. For me, the experience of loneliness galvanized me into action to try to change myself for the better and be able to overcome that loneliness. The trick is knowing that whatever you are doing or trying to improve has a direct result in bringing you closer to your goal. Beyond that, the pain of being alone and the subsequent fears and insecurities that it spawns in us is something I'm sure that we are all intimately familiar with.

midnightlamp, I have to say that you are an excellent writer. I loved how well you expressed yourself there.

Regards,
IO