My life is a mess lately. The big thing that is impacting it right now is something that goes back about a year. In May of last year, I finally had the guts to tell a girl how I felt about her (albeit online), and things went fairly well. She felt the same way about me. We ended up talking to each other online nearly every day (we were both home for the summer from college and couldn't really get around to seeing each other in person). Everything seemed to be going great, and I slowly fell in love with her. So, as the time came for the fall semester to start, I was excited to finally be able to see her again, but there was a nagging feeling in my mind, my heart, that something was going to go wrong. Sadly, I was right.

So, the time comes for us to move back for college. We do see each other again and spend some time with each other, but it felt like we were so distant from each other. It very soon came to light that she had decided to start going out with one of my friends. Not only one of my friends, but one of my roommates that I share an apartment with. Thankfully, it was not the case that she was over at my apartment every day, or I wouldn't have known what to do. The fall and spring semesters pass by, and I guess I was able to keep myself busy enough with studying that I didn't fall into depression.

Summer comes by, and my roommate (the one she is in a relationship with) has an internship in a different state. I had decided that I was going to find a job and stay in the same town as my college for the summer, but then I find out that he is sub-leasing his room to her for the summer as she is working for the university. I figured that I would just live with it, and it wouldn't be too big of a deal, but I was wrong. It turns out that the job that I applied for wouldn't be able to have me start until a good while into the summer, so I had a lot of free time. Free time that I've spent thinking. Thinking about what could have been if I had been a bit more confident in myself. If I had been just a little more assertive. If I had decided to take a chance. And thinking of all of this has made me depressed (nothing too severe, thankfully).

When it all boils down, I still have feelings for her. I try to tell myself that nothing will happen, and I should just forget about her, but I can't. No matter how much I want to just move on, I can't seem to.

I remember talking with her last summer. I remember saying that even if a relationship between us didn't work, we would still be the best of friends. That's not how things worked out. I want to try, I want to live up to that promise, but I can't. I can't bring up the fact that I still have feelings for her, but that I want to be friends and have conversations like we did in the past. I can't seem to bring myself to say anything about that stuff when I'm around her.

The more I think about things, the more I feel like I'm the only one who still thinks about the situation. Sure, I had one friend who tried to comfort me when I was down, but that seemed to only last about a week. After that, I felt like I was all by myself. I had no one I could really talk to.

It's not only just girl problems, though. I had gotten to know her previous boyfriend, and we became fairly good friends. When I saw the signs of them breaking up, I feel like I abandoned him to satisfy my own selfish desires. I've seen him around here and there, but we haven't talked since. I've said some nasty things about him while I was talking with her over the summer, and it's only now that I realize what a jerk I've been to him. I want to apologize, but I can't seem to bring myself to.

Well, thanks to anyone who read this. I just really needed to say this somewhere to someone.

Yes you should have been more assertive, but everyone makes mistake. There are also a lot of gap in your post that I couldn't put the missing piece together. I did try my best to understand, and I know what it like to lose any chance of being with the one you like to be with. How did she became your roommate girlfriend, and why didn't you take a chance on her? From what I got so far, you guys talk to each other all summer long, and what made your intuition believe something was wrong. Like why didn't she go out with you, I'm not sure from your post if the feel is mutual on both side.

What I don't get, is that you said you spent time with her in the fall semester but you felt distance from her? Did she do something wrong that made you feel that way. Wasn't that the perfect opportunity to ask her out, there must be more than meet the eye, because I can't seem to understand why she wouldn't date you if you guys have feeling for each other.

To all honestly, you post has lot of gaps in it, and it hard for me to fill in those missing piece, but I just want to say keep your hope up. Maybe it wasn't your destiny to be with her, if your heart is telling you something else. Maybe somewhere along the road, you'll meet someone who will fall in love with you.


Chris

This post was last modified: 07-26-2008 07:23 AM by Chris 2.

if you love her still then tell, if you dont then never say a word, the choice is yours and yours alone, you can post all you want and see if people will make the decision for you,but when it comes down to it, its your choice