i was having dinner with friends last night and they started talk about sex and their relationships. i was the only one among them that wasn't currently involved with someone, that has never been in a relationship. i have only fooled around with one guy. i never know what to do; it just makes me further depressed, especially when i'm so hung up on that guy i fooled around with (i know i'm a complete sucker for falling for the first guy who has ever wanted to touch me).

i was reading this self help book last night. its about overcoming anxiety and depression. the author talks about flirting as a way to battle shyness and eventually loneliness. my actual therapist wants me to try to date, as a way to become more social and to get over this guy. i really can't, no one wanted to date me before this and no one wants that from me now. i would just disgust people, no one wants to think of me like that, even i know i'm gross. if i did meet anyone i was interested in, i would just daydream about them, knowing nothing would actually happen.

i just feel that i'll always sit silent while my friends talk about their boyfriends, sex lives and how wonderful it all is. i mean i fell really lucky to have friends now but sometimes i just wish i got to have more. i know i should just stop being jealous.

This post was last modified: 07-24-2008 03:39 AM by jenn.

OK. I know what you are thinking. How can a married 40 year old know how it feels. My co-workers talk about their wives and the things they do together. While I sit there thinking "my wife would rather be covered in fire ants than spend the day with me" It sucks! Then they all make plans to go golfing and don't invite me. So I go to the house and sit alone on the couch watching TV.
Ask me if I would rather have a beautiful woman waiting at the house or someone that loves me for who I am waiting at "home". I'll take the love over beauty any day. Besides, what is beauty, It's all in the eyes of the beholder. I'm not into the girls my co-workers find so hot. They just don't do it for me. And you can't know that nobody wants to date you until you have met everybody. That could take awhile.
But if you still feel the need to firt, I'm here for you.LOL
Keep your chin up.

I dunno, personally I don't see flirting as a means to an end... I do imagine there are those that can read more into it than there is tho. Online flirting is even easier, because you have that barrier in place of not being there in person.

The only time I would ever consider a woman "gross" is if she had poor personal hygiene... so don't think of yourself like that. I bet you have some great features which you are probably overlooking...

((((((((((Jenn))))))))))
Look at what you are telling yourself. People pick up on how someone feels about themself. We give off all kinds of nonverbal clues as to what we think about who we are. All the flirting in the world is not going to cure that. Jenn, the past is the past and there is nothing you can do about that now, sweetie. But there is something you can do about you and the way you see yourself. Have you ever heard the saying, "There is no reality, only perception"? This is very true. Even the bible says, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."

Your thoughts dictate a lot of how you feel. Depression can have a lot to do with what we tell ourselves. Why do you think you are gross or that you would digust people? Who was it that told you this? Is it possible that you could be wrong? I think so.

The best advice I can offer you is to work on yourself. Good for you reading the self help books. It shows you want to be a better person. Begin to look at the GOOD things about yourself and don't focus on PERCIEVED flaws. I am sure you can find some good qualities about yourself. If you have trouble doing that (like a lot of depressed people do), ask your friends what qualities they see in you. Nothing is ever fixed. You have the capacity to change and become a confident young woman.

Like I said, when we think ourselves as unworthy to be loved, people pick up on that through our speech, the way we carry ourselves, the way we take care of ourselves and through nonverbal communication. When people see this, they believe what we say about ourselves. Confidence is very sexy.

You are a unique human being. A creature unlike any other. You are special, wether you can see it or not. If I can help you in anyway, let me know. I'll leave you with this quote. Have faith in the future and yourself.

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become."
Buddha

i know i really need a lot of work. i need to stop being depressed and really i am trying hard to overcome this. despite that i think i'll only overcome things to a point. i'll maybe have a life i like and surround myself with friends and i may even come to like myself, but i'll have to be happy with that. i will never have anything other than friendship with a man. i've always felt that way and i know i'm right.

and as for me being 'gross," well i am extremely unattractive. and even when i try to do something about it i just end up looking worse. i'm trying to just come to terms with how i look. and well i guess when i was with my friends and they were talking about sex, i could have told them how i relate. i could have talked about what me and that guy would do, you know because girls tell each other all that, but i don't because i feel like it would make them want to throw up or maybe they wouldn't believe me. they wouldn't want to think about me doing anything and it seems far fetched that anyone would touch me. they would be polite to my face but would want me to shut up about it. so i stay silent and just think about the times i shared with him. how everything was wonderful. i know i shouldn't think that, because it turned out none of it was real and that he never even liked me. but thats what i do. it hurts that that is all i have to hang on to.

AWW (((HuGS)))

Your right about one thing, be thankful you have friends and never take them for granted. I don't know what you look like but I'm sure your not as bad as you think, but I know what it feel like to be "left out". I'm always the inside person looking out, and how there like some obstacle in my way toward any meaningful relationship, either a door, window, or just plain fear that stop me from being happy.

I wish you the best, and do you think your unattractive or is that just irrational thought?