Dear Hizam,

You left on April 5. I spent the entire previous night thinking something horrible had happened to you because you hadn't come home when you said you would. I stayed up all night making calls because it was not like you not to call. You would call me at least three times a day to say Hi or make sure I was ok. It wasn't until sunrise that I found out you were gone for good.

I was in shock. You left all of your things except your electric shaver and your personal paperwork. The apartment looked the same, smelled the same and was exactly as you left it -with me inside alone.

As I talked to your business partners and cousins I still couldn't believe it. You had left the country and were coming back in a few months but hadn't told your wife? Did you leave me for good or did you leave without telling me because you knew I would be upset? This was what was running through my mind. Back and forth I thought, waiting for a phone call. Maybe you didn't abandon me. Maybe you'll call me.

I spoke to your uncle and he told me that he was sorry and that he knew you were leaving and that he had wanted you to tell me. How many people knew? I felt so ashamed and embarassed to be left like that but you were the coward for leaving. You should have been ashamed and embarassed. We were supposed to have a new start. You promised me things were going to be different. You promised when your year was up at the old store in April that things would be better. We would work together to build your business. You made me believe all these things. They were all lies. Did it bother you at all to lie to me?

I never lied to you. I was always honest from the beginning. I was open from the start. No sense in bullshit because it just wastes time and its cowardly. But that was how your people operated: lieing was common place with all of them. They were all two-faced and haramis but then would shake hands and kiss face to face. They all sat on the phone talking badly about each other and stealing money from one another.

I was the one who cared for you when others only pretended to and you gave me up. You used to be so happy with me. Your face would light up when you would see me. It was genuine and I remember that. Where did it go? Its been a few years now that things weren't the same. You changed towards me and towards your two best friends - the only real friends you had. I didn't feel like you were the same man. I would cry to myself that I wanted my husband back. I missed him so much and I knew he was inside you somewhere so I waited and stayed, talked and cried, screamed and stomped when it would get to be too much but you always said you loved me.

You never did call me. I found out the day you left that when you called the night before to say you would be home you were actually at the airport. You left an envelope for me at the store. You printed my full name. It was funny to see that because you never called me by my name - you always had your little nick-names for me. I was hoping there would be a note explaining what happened. Part of me hoped the note was saying you needed some time to visit with your parents and that you would be back.

I opened the envelope only to find keys to the van and apartment. No note. No explanation. Eight years of love and your family's bullshit and I don't get the courtesy of a fucking note. I had to stand in front of those shitty men with tears in my eyes holding keys. Those pricks! That was all I needed at that time was feeling wounded and having those pricks witnessing it.

I went home to tell everyone that you weren't coming back. Alex was furious and went to your uncle's store to get you to call. God damn you! If you're going to leave me then at least tell me. You don't get to have it all your way. Thank the gods for Alex with his big frame and deep voice. He stood up for me and insisted that your uncle contact you to call me and that he was going to come back everyday until you did.

You called me Easter Sunday. I could tell you were calling from overseas from the caller ID. You blamed it on me. You said that I didn't understand your situation. Heaven help me if you were in front of me I would have choked the shit out of you. I didn't understand your situation? I spent 8 years married to you - living your fucked-up "situation" and standing by you with all your people's bullshit, caring for you because I love you and because you were different. But in the end you gave in to them. You chose them over me.

The call got lost after 2 minutes. I didn't care anymore because I didn't want to talk to you. You weren't my husband, the man I loved. The man that loved me. The man that get into bed and hug me and our feet and legs would interwine and we would fall asleep. It was instinctual. I miss the man that laughed with me, danced with me, ate with me, made love with me and smiled with me. I miss that smile. Your whole face would light up. But that was gone for quite some time.

Ronnie and Alex took care of me when you left. They made sure I was never alone the first week. Alex called in a favor and got the van sold. He managed to get his neighbor to buy the couches and kitchen table. They weren't paid for but you didn't care about that. Emily had the museum cut me a check for some of the volunteer work I had done for them. I'm grateful for the help I got.

I didn't come looking for you and I won't. If I was homeless than it would be a different story. I know I would look for you to help me but thankfully I do not have to. My mother took me in. She's a crazy bitch and she makes every day hard for me but I have a roof over my head and I sleep on clean sheets every night. You left me with nothing. You left me knowing I would have to live with her. I have no money and don't know what I'm going to day from day to day. But one thing I do know is that I'm going to keep it together. I'm going to stay focused and make the best everything.

I don't know who you have become but whoever you are you're not my husband. The city of New York may still say so but I don't. My husband is gone. The beautiful man I married was gone a while ago, long before April.

Even though it feels like I'm going to die inside I keep going on. I'm holding on just barely but I'm not going to give up. I'm too tired to cave. I'm a beautiful person and deserve to be happy and I will be happy again. I know this for certain.

I don't know how to close this...so I'll just say goodbye.

Sweet, beautiful silence. Thank you for finally listening. I'm so scared I will see you or that you'll come to my work, I don't want to leave my house. Mindless paranoia. Well farewell to you at last.

Dear 22,
I’ve just re-read some of the letters you wrote me while we were getting to know each other. I want to cry but I won’t let myself. Oka maybe I am crying….but just a few drops. I can’t hate you because everything I know about you is angelic. During the time that we got to know each other you managed to surpass my concept of what humans were capable of in so many ways….no you weren’t perfect and I really don’t mean to be dramatic lol....but you were what I dreamt of and wanted for a very long time.

I wanted nothing more from you than what we had. To me it was pure and simple friendship. Now that you have left my life I cannot say that I know you anymore….it’s been months and it kills me that you left me with no means of ever hating you. I was replaced in your life…and I can’t deny that you made a brilliant choice.

Your current ‘friend’ is beautiful, kind, more intelligent than I could ever hope to be …and she breathes this confidences that’s so perfect and comforting and it reminds me that I could never be her. I want you to know that I wish I could hate you. I want you to know that I know why you chose her. I want you to know that I wish I could have be perfect…I wish I was worthy of your friendship…but I’m not and as days go by, I know I never will be
me

To my first love who was also my last:

My life could be dependant on it and I still wouldn't be able to explain why I cheated. I feel I've since been haunted by the whole ordeal, and that this feeling and its effects on my life have seemingly grown in potency over time.

I regret we didn't at least talk about it. Instead, we went on being pleasant to each other, like casually acquainted people. We were young teens. I was severely inexperienced with intimate relationships, and even more so with exploring possibilities of mending them after such damage as that which I was responsible for.

Although I have missed you deeply, even in recent weeks, especially during days when I feel as though you may have been the only one for me, I am not typing this with hope this will somehow create for you an interest in us forging our old relationship. This is simply to convince you of something I should have attempted to a long time ago - that I am sorry! I believe you forgave me a long time ago without me asking, but please know that your forgiveness is of great significance to me. While having you back would be like a wish granted, just having you know how I've truly felt about this seems more feasible and could potentially rid me of the negative effects I believe this continues to have on my life.

Sometime ago, I spoke to someone who informed me that he had seen you recently. I was told you're doing well in the workplace, and that you've grown into an incredibly beautiful young woman. This came as no surprise to me, considering the picture (with a love letter on the back) you gave me of you in your cheerleader uniform (red, with a white and black or dark blue stripe pattern) which often reminds me. Somehow I doubt you're lonely, at least I hope you're not. You deserve to be happy. Actually, because I REALLY want you to get this message, I hope you'll soon be lonely for merely a very brief moment, one just long enough to come to a place like this, read this post, catch the hint that could make my anonymity inapplicable to you, and then quickly exit whatever mist of blue that brought you here to return to a life of genuine happiness.

Mel,

I don't know what to say to you. But I feel like I need to say something. You've probably forgotten about me and it's probably for the best. I know I caused you a lot of pain. I don't know what ever happened to our relationship. Part of me thinks you were right when you said we weren't good for each other. But I have this strange feeling that it was my fault that everything fell apart. You were beautiful. You were intelligent. You gave me everything you could and did everything you could to make me happy. But for some reason that I still can't explain that wasn't good enough. It never was. I don't know why.

I feel sorry. Regretful. I try to tell myself it's over and that you don't love me any more. I heard through the grapevine that you have a boyfriend now and I want to say I'm glad. But I can't. Because I'm angry. I'm jealous. Part of me wants to blame you for me being here. But I've only come to realize recently that it was all because of me. You did everything you could to make me happy. So the only reason I am where I am is because of me.

So maybe what I think I need to say to you I should be saying to myself instead: that I'm sorry. Maybe I need to forgive myself for hurting me and getting you involved. I don't know. I just wish I could go back in time and tell you I love you. Because I think I did. And there are times I wish I could have your love again. But I know I had my chance. It's over.

But I'm still here. And I'm still sorry.

And I think what I want to say is: I sincerely hope that you are happy. Wherever you are.

are you me? i am exactly in your situation...

Hey you MisterD,
What the hell, i think this is the right time for me to be actually heard so you controlling this body, YOU are SHIT HEAD! you are a moron! you not going to parties, not going out to have fun what the hell are you thinking i wanna have fun but u are afraid of rejection, coward!! And what stopping you from reaching your goal?? a GIRL??!! come on you already f*** her why are you obsessed with a girl you met online?? u had a good 8 days she even gave u pleasure! she paid for the trip for you to meet! and she has a bf you idiot! why do you think about her so much that you cant do the things your suppose todo! why is she such a distraction?!! u only known her for just 4 months?? she told you she loves u more than her bf, why do u get jealous?? and why cant u just tell ur current GF for 4 years that u lost the love u have for her! and stop caring for people so much thats ur main problem u think u dont care but in reality u worry about lots of things, u hide ur true feelings by laughing and looking like theres no problem! and u havent been angry for like 10 years! let it all out man!! I wish you can just die and let me control your body!! Il be more successful than you are idiot! what a LOSER!

alter ego

To the one almost always on my mind:

The days are long and the nights are longer. There really isn't much to say to you that hasn't been said already. But, I always have these unanswered questions in my head. These paranoid thoughts that create small scenarios and destroy my perceptions. I can drive myself crazy thinking about you. I know you're far away right now but I can't help feeling some long, old connection.

It's been a while, 5 years. I can remember every moment and can still feel the heartbreak. You are indeed a rare person to inflict that kind of thing upon me. And even now as I am slightly more confused at what has happened, at whether you're here to stay or not, it's always reassuring to know you're still there. That I'm still something in your universe. A universe that had always dazzled me in some way.

I was never good at expressing my true feelings, never have been. I think you summed up those past years best the last time we saw each other: "We never got it right."

Well, here's to finally getting it right this time.

Love,
ykw[/align]

i love this thread!

yah me 2. its like a voyeurs dream come true haha