I’m 22 male, virgin.  A few male friends, well actually one.  But don't see that often nor do I really want to.  I commute from home where one parent lives, I hate it.  I hate college. it's in Philadelphia.  I don't know what I’m doing there.  the amazing thing is to me is on the full campus there is a feeling of isolation.  I feel invisible most of the time.  I know for a fact I’m not the only one but that is not very comforting.  I see many eating studying sitting alone and want to say something completely honest for once.  like , 'I lonely can me talk openly and kindly to one another and see if we like each other"?  I feel bad that there are so many(and even more than I thought now seeing this page) lonely people out there.  every one is so unique and interesting.  It's too bad we don't make it a point to introduce ourselves to every single fucking person we lay eyes on just because there may be a connection there.  looks don't mean anything because everyone is so unique and we all have so much to share and give.  Basically I make "friends" with the people I sit next to randomly on the first day of class, that's it.  I try to make friends but it never goes anywhere and I am very hard on myself with an inferiority deal going.  I hate parties because I feel stiff and awkward and like the people don't like me.  wrong I know but still it's enough to make me not go.  I don't drink so that discourages me from trying to break some hardcore ice at a real party.  but I feel those kids are shallow especially if I go solo.  It's amazing sometimes I can go the entire 7-hour day without saying one word. I desperately want to though. I smoke a lot of pot, which does not help with sociability one fucking bit.  When people ignore or I fuckup some interaction I comfort myself with the fact of , "oh well I’ll just get high".  I've been in that cycle for years now.  I love the intimate vulnerable real conversations that happen alone between close people.  I wish it could be like that all the time, instead of sarcastic jokes, masculine gesturing, and guarded analytic conversations.  

self help(yes I’ve been desperate enough to go down that road many times) books talk about how a lot of us probably on this forum arte "waiting".  Were waiting for that special someone to come into out life and make it meaningful. so we all have to get out there right and put our out happy face and act like we don't have to persuade ourselves to get up in the morning because we wonder what’s the point.  Yeah fucking right, how depressing. I've read books on every religion and all philosophies.  new age stuff like Wayne dyer, some Dali lama like stuff, Hinduism, and every other self-help book I thought might comfort me. At the end of them I felt like I am trying to delude myself, to try and convince myself of the power of now, or the beauty of sunsets, detachment from the fruit of action, and all that other related stuff which  now what seems to me, garbage.  Stuff to make money of us lonely people.  masturbating get real boring and depressing after a while though as all of you probably know but I’d be interested in opinions.  I depress myself, I know. I sickly enjoy it like a drug.  I don't know how to get off it though.  if your still reading, you're awesome, thank you.  this will sound real dumb and redundant but  its nice to know that there are still lonely people out there, and I not the only one sitting home alone wishing things could be different but don’t know how, maybe thinking about calling that distant contact, male or female, late at night when the loneliness just feels like it's too much one night.  I don’t of talk to them (lonely people) during my days so it's nice we can communicate of express ourselves openly and anonymously here in the artificial cyber world.

Something else that maybe some of you have experienced.  you meet someone that you’re attracted to, you seem to get along.  She or He is more popular than you, probably common if you're on this forum. better social skills which is why they were able to even talk to you in the first place.  they ask about things you do or the dreaded( to me), "What are you doing this weekend(or tonight or a holiday) the answer is always the same, "nothing".  And they might answer "oh", and proceed to tell you about their big plans or may kindly spare you.  Either way I feel like I’ve been exposed as a loner, someone with something different about them and probably interpreted to the other as sad or desperate and it appears unattractive.  The problem perpetuates itself b/c when someone does brush into my life I’m either, "aloof" which one girl described me as which was fuckin' dead on.  I’m afraid to get hurt or feel awkward, cowardly I know.  Or I weakly try to pursue and it just fizzles out in a sad way.  I’ve only a few times in entire life let someone actually "see" me.

I used to be an extrovert, I had friends and didn't care what people thought of me, which always I think, goes in your favor.  I went to high school and became a loner.  I was scared of the extroverts and judgmental people there.  the things that were respected and thought of as funny there I could not relate to.  I hid for four years.  I’ve never been on high school date, never kissed a girl til college, but that’s as far as it went. Never went to any school function, (games, prom, or graduation) because what was the point to be like George Mcfly in back to the future dancing by yourself in a fancy outfit?  I absorbed myself in a hobby(which im not saying I order to perhaps obscure myself a little better) and drug use.  both solo home alone activities.  I had one friend all of high school who didn't even go to the same school.  

I go to school and come home to what I wish was an empty house but worse it has a angry depressed parent there which is even worse and more depressing and alienating.  People would come to my funeral if I died but no one I care about, because know that I think about it I care almost about no one.  I'm not proud of that.  maybe a few people.  

I ask all of you who perhaps think this, what makes us think that a relationship will solve our problems?  dating can be very depressing at times from my incredibly limited experience bank.  Online dating seems way too sad but perhaps I’ll give it try if I’m still a virgin in a year.  It seems I may be wrong but online dating look more attractive to women because nice guys(and nuts) are more willing to go to that and not feel weird about it.  When I see a female's ad I think she must have been kicked around in some bad relationships and probably has some mental problems.  Wrong I know but I involuntarily think that.  then again I don’t know what's it's like to have some ugly creep just want to stick his dick in you and that's it.  I'd be interested in what gay/lesbian loneliness and online dating is like is, more isolating or less, or depends on person and situation.  sorry I’m categorizing here, but I really know no out gay people.  I spot them but that's it.  perhaps a relationship would make me happy, I’ll take the pain of the inevitable break up for just some time in a satisfying relationship.  at this point I’m obsessed with sex but would trade no sex in a heartbeat for an honest kind relationship. I need that more than anything.  My hobby doesn't comfort me that much.  Perhaps some confidence would be nice too.  but some acceptance and kindness is what dream about most.  I thought "leaving Las Vegas" was fuckin' beautiful.      

Oh and fuck facebook, for those of you who know what it is or are on it.  What a great way to make yourself depressed and feel lonely seeing or being faceboooked by someone with 700 friends to add to your pile of 2, if you’re lucky.  to see their party pictures, like they want to prove, "look I’m hip, I’m cool, I do shit and have friends and I want to catch it in the act!"  ahhh, how sad. for me I mean. I’m just frustrated b/c I’d probably be right there with them it I had the friends and social skills.  



Not that I blaming anything or is it something we could change if it were true but why does out culture and society produce so many lonely?  We are all afraid of each other it seems.  AFRAID OF NOT BEING LIKED.  Do TV and media do that to us, make us scared of each other?  I probably, like many of you was raised with a steady diet of cable TV, and I’m sure that I have many subconscious feelings and attitudes from it.  judgments and fears that inhibit even talking to people.

Like you know this if you're in college.  Teacher asks a question to big or small class.  You know the answer, you may even find the topic interesting and let's say you even like the professor. No one says anything except for the same few kids who talk ever time, and your sick of their mundane opinions.  I think they just like to hear themselves speak.  5 people talk out of 100.  I'm scared of looking stupid or worse having to defend my argument with a more aggressive person or like I’ve done before say something a little different and alienate myself from my peers.  and which doesn’t help, sometimes you just don't care.

I feel like im chasing my tail. I dread tomorrow.  I'll be there for a short amount of time eat some food and go home.  all alone.  

I hope some of you do this because I would think it very amusing, a secret intangible bond between us.  When you feel bad, which for me is most of time, but you put on a "happy" face.  I don't mean a big fake smile, but a what I think of as I face of someone who might be happy.  At least that's how I want it interpreted.  Content or so I think.  I want to do the miserable expression that would feel so good and natural.  I don't because I feel then if no one talks to me I so brought it upon myself and im just exacerbating my own isolation.  

It just gets old to be alone all the time doing your routine things expected of you.  we are not machines.  It feels pointless alot of the time, especially when I see older people working shit jobs or even "good" ones and think that they go back to a one bedroom apartment alone.  I have a little hope b/c at least I’m in college for a while so I’m am around thousands of women. They don't talk to me but still.  Being in a  job or working at home where you don't meet people must be so depressing.  It looks still shitty but better for people in relationships.  They have someone at home and talk to.  I will definitely kill myself if I end up in something like that.  Or do something like move to Thailand then maybe kill myself.  But driving home alone in your car, entering your door alone and sitting on your chair wondering what will you do.  Perhaps drugs, booze, TV, strippers, intellectual stimulation like books, food, but the flow underneath it all is you would rather be doing something else.  those are all weak temporary escapes, as everyone knows, but we still al do them.  To work to sit alone in a room.  That's what our culture produces these days.  Tribal people wouldn’t have any idea what were talking about, the feeling of meaningless and isolation and unalterable loneliness, and uniquely ours dread of the future.

well I feel a little better, I hope someone reads this.  If not that' alright too.  I just wanted to say this. Maybe you'll me pass one day on the street and won't even know it .  I won't know you read it but there is a connection there.  I won't introduce myself of course and you probably won't either but we both know about these confessions so that will have to be enough.    

If you're in college I’d love to hear what you have to say about this.  The movies I saw before college(animal house, van wilder) are nothing like college is, at least for me.  It's numbing and depressing and monotonous.  I thought it's be different from high school like older adults promised me.  it is for some I guess.  if you reply I promise I’ll write back, if that's any enticement.

I just read some other person's post.  At least feel good if you've had any kind of friend girl thing at all.  I’ve never had any. A few weak relationships, once with a women twice my age, which was fun only because it was new for me, but she stopped returning phone calls after a "date" which didn't seem that bad, which trust me I’ve analyzed.  other than that only "friend" girls that I was so ready to fall in love with but they seemed not interested and I don't know how to break the big ice of moving close.  oh and I have the classic situation of currently being in love with unattainable girl (I randomly connected with conversationally once that was fantastic), but she’s in a different social strata and in love with her bf and I never see her.  so basically I know no one at my school and am alone all the time there.  So yeah.  Another poster wrote this which I thought was great,

"I wish I didn't have to speak. It's so hard sometimes, to get the words out, in person or on paper. I wish I could just project my thoughts outward from my center, so that others could see them and understand what I can't describe or what becomes irrelevant in words"


in some fizzling conclusion, I thought I was one of the only people on earth desperate and confused enough to type I am lonely in google, I am profoundly wrong, which is nice and pleasantly surprising.  this site is so cool, I would be friends with each and every one of you.  This site because of its subject matter seems real honest and guards let down, a rare thing in my life these days.  I love it, thank you

wow, that's a loong post.
"AFRAID OF NOT BEING LIKED". yes that's the thing i'm having right now. i always feel like i'm always wrong in many ways,...ah forget it, i can't do this

hi.. invisible man

i feel lonely today like never before.. im a college student..21 virgin,never been kissed, never been in a date.. i feel incredibly lonely. i googled lonely student n found this page.. i registered to be able to post.. to tell u that strangely i feel better after reading ur post.. thats because ive thought all those things at some point in my life.. all those thoughts that u ve put down.. i live half way around the world from where u do.. in india.. im sure our cultures n societies are totally different yet i identify totally with all that u say.. the pressures of college.. more so of the people at college.. all those people with "lives"..

to most im the quintessential boring person cause im reserved n shy n dont have much to say to anything.. unless i get comfortable with someone i prefer to keep to myself..

im lonely cause i dont want to share my feelings with people.. i dont want to cause my biggest fear is people identifying me as a loser.. my only solace is in doing well at college..

this past week has been especially hard for me.. my exams are on... my grades had started to pick up.. but the last exam.. one paper i thought id do well.. almost overconfidently.. studied hard for it.. ended up doing badly.. thats bad as it is and here i am brooding over whats done n gone.. i find myself distracted.. unable to focus on studying for the next exam.. i have less than 36 hours to go n i know im gonna mess up again if i continue wasting time.. this is a hard paper n its affecting my psyche real bad.. im horrified that i continue to sit n watch when i shud really be studying..

this coupled with the fact that i have my campus placements next months.. im very apprehensive about that.. my grades are not as good as id liked them to have been

i have noone to talk to... well.. atleast i dont want to bother anyone.. being lonely is making things worse... im so demotivated.. i can find no strength from within.. i just keep on doing stuff that is bad for me.. and i cant help it one bit..

its strange.. i hate crowds but when im alone i feel just as miserable..

i feel crushed under all the pressure in life.. im put up at a hostel.. and im the only girl whos all alone at the moment.. i go to the dining hall to eat n im alone at my table.. all the others are in groups.. even most boys.. its like initially people used to be lukewarm but now they re downright cold.. noone cares.. especially of you dont talk.. i really think too that line u ve quoted is beautiful.. i really dont feel like talking sometimes.. its like nobody s even listening.. i wish i dint have to say things and people wud leave me alone.. not in the physical sense but if they wud leave me out of their thoughts..

i always imagine people thinking im weird and or stupid.. i never have the right things to say.. i cannot be spontaneously funny.. and even if i know answers to some questions im never confident about putting it across correctly

im very frstrated the way life s going for me right now.. im expected to have a job by the new year.. im very uncertain about my future.. and try as hard as i might i never get to be the best at anything.. or atleast not consistently or long lastingly the best at anything.. i have no source of comfort

i ve almost reached the stage of giving up.. like it doesnt matter anyways.. i have no time to study for my exam on friday but i cant help being distracted..

im ruining what i have even.. i am feeling awful.. but i ve got a place to say this stuff and im happy its not too irrelevant for everybody in this world..

Hey,
I posted awhile ago on a lonely Saturday night. I just checked back and was really touched that people had read what I had to say and two replied. Thought I would pass it on.

I feel for you man. I'm half way around the world and 10 years older but I have a good idea of how you feel. I had a brilliant social life in high school and then everything fell apart in university. It was shit.

Graduating and getting a job saved my life. It made me feel life I was really contributing to the world and really built up my (professional) confidence.

I've been in good relationships and bad ones. Been alone for 2 years now.

And boy am I lonely. But I was lonely in some of my relationships too - after the intial connection died out, I'd still be with someone... feeling alone.

Sometimes it's crushing. And you you know what else? I'm pretty good looking, I have great social skills, I can talk to anyone even if it's awkward, get a laugh from a group of people. But it took a lot of practice and effort and putting myself out there when all I wanted to do was hide. But I still feel utterly alone and unconnected in any meaningful way to others.

Soooo, this probably comes across as a real downer message. But I guess what I'm saying is that to everything there is a season. And we're both in cold lonely winters... so that means spring must be around the corner.......Right?

what will u do this weekend?
i dont know.

what did u do at weekend?
nothing.

i really hate this conversation.


leaving las vegas . i love this movie. its so sad, but so touched.at the end of his life, he wanted to give her the first/last sex. thats amazing. these two NOBODY met, and loved.no future, its always a drunk life. i dont know how to say, its just a mixed feeling with pain and happines. u rather be hurt than nothing.

why u said u maybe move to thailand for killing urself? is it a special place for u? ok, u neednt answer.

hey invisible

fortunately we dont have winters here.. its great to know that you can be social if you want to. i know for a fact that people who are alone arent always the "ugly-geeky / weird-stupid / eccentric-psycho" stereotypes

i was always a shy person.. guess thats because im always insecure in general.. like you said, though, its not that im bad looking or that i cant talk in crowds(though i hate crowds). its this invisible something which makes me hesitate given any situation.

its not even the fact that im avoided or anything. i always have a huge problem making the first move. and even if i do i always end up making the other person think that im not interested.. then it gets to the point where people assume im a weirdo(loner).. which i am.. but its not that i want to be alone all the time..

its just that i have a serious problem being social.. i seriously feel so uncomfortable doing normal things.. like going out with friends/fooling around.. humour is spontaneous for me.. i cant be humorous around situstions im not comfortable with..

i have this overwhelming feeling that everyone should like me/leave me alone at the same time.. its very confusing.. most times after this internal conflicting process i just give in and say what the hell.. it doesnt matter..

actually i dont even know exactly what it is im insecure about.. its been an overwhelming culmination all my life.. its gotten to this point where i wait around to be pushed before i do anything..

what hurts me the most is when people equate the fact that im shy to being stupid.. ive become very touchy about grades these days.. they are never good enough..

i dont want to fight it because i fear i might make a fool of myself.. thats what i fear.. making a fool of myself.. im always incredibly self conscious.. thats why i dont participate in class discussions, have a hard time doing seminars(doesnt show though.. ive confirmed with friends.. they say they cant tell im nervous), doing anything in a crowd.. even a thing such as a relationship.. boys.. i run away like they re the plague or something.. all the times someone expressed interest in the past id run n hide n make excuses not to see that person.. well if im lonely... in the "relationships" sense its because i ve done it to myself..

and these grades/any attention from anybody are like highs.. if i have a high today its likely the halo effect would last a few days.. if not i disintegrate into a miserable mess.. like yesterday when i found this thread and totally identified with your everything uve said

but i agree with you on the fact that it needs work.. and theres no escaping that.. guess its time to stop wallowing in self pity and work on everything.. my grades.. my friends.. my life

btw.. in your last post you say ur 22.. and in this one you say ur 10 years older than me :?
jus a thought..

please check out rainbow family; it might help;
http://welcomehome.org/rainbow/index.html
welcomehome.org
welcomeHERE.org

Hi this is the real invisible man. This is my first reply so to glaze, yes I’m 22 and I didn't write the seasons thing.  I’ll expound for another few pages in a little bit, not in the mood right now.  Just wanted to clarify what my posts were and to say that you're all so fuckin' amazing. I've never told anybody any of this and now almost 100 people all over the globe have shared my feelings and they have shared theirs.  And to top it off we'll never see each other or at least never recognize one another.  

Something odd and perplexing to me,

Why is being lonely something downplayed and avoided when talking with someone?

I am guilty; I shy away from people who are alone because I figure they have someone else.  But sometimes I straight up lie about what I do in my free time or what I did last night.  Meaning I say I did something with friends.  I say that because I secretly want them to like me, or else to be honest with myself and them I would be tell the truth. I rarely do that though.  I’ve been trying to do that lately because at least you can think back on what you said and know its petty but solid truth instead of obnoxious fluffy smoke like lies.  To do it without even a hint of embarrassment like that stupid ass giggle and smirk I do when I say something I know is supposed to be slightly socially embarrassing.  It seems there are so many lonely, socially awkward, and friendless but were afraid to admit that because that might push you farther and farther into loneliness by the shunning and avoidance by your potential friends.  I have no answer for this  

Another random thought which I really like and gives mild hope.

One day I had an ad for a business type transaction on an online message board.  It was purely business, no relationship thing, guy or girl, young or old, didn't matter.  Anyway I young girl my age responded and happened to go to my school.  We met to do the business and hit it off, we spent the day together.  We didn’t have to but we did.  We didn't have a lot not in common but that doesn’t mean shit, because we thought about a lot of the same things and felt and same in a lot of ways about intangible things.  I said that to be honest we would have never have met in school if we had saw each other.  And even if we did, with this she agreed, it wouldn't have been the same because I would have to use some stupid "pickup" line or another line that would have been manipulative dishonest and just trying to say something to get her to take some kind of interest in me.  Because we met in a neutral situation with no expectations it was relaxed in a strange way, I at least had a weight lifted off my shoulders because I didn’t expect her to like me.  But I’m not saying that's a good attitude, not like I’m any good judge. We talked honestly and with vulnerability, two complete strangers.  Just don’t hate me just yet because, we parted ways nicely at the end of the day and never saw each other again.  My point being that like the adage says which applies to you and everyone you see, you can’t judge a book by its cover.  She was a social butterfly.  Popular, pretty, and as I discovered very kind and uniquely honest.  A real deal situation where coolness or saving face does not exist.  But this situation was constructed and it enabled us to connect in a way we would have NEVER NEVER have otherwise.  If I saw her on the street before hand I would have just thought some shallow airhead probably mean.  How wrong I was but the more important point was that I was able to find out I was wrong and perhaps she discovered that she too was wrong about her judgment of me, or maybe that’s giving myself too much credit.  The "standard" way of meeting people fucking sucks.  Making her/him laugh first, getting close by finding "common" interests but always having to be "on".  Having to feign confidence (what’s so great about that anyway, playing this strutting peacock role), or feign popularity and busyness. Like how people, you know they do this, fake they don't remember someone they met once or twice because by not remembering it you can give the easily transparent impression you meet a lot of people and your life is so busy you cant hardly catch up.  I trying to say something important here but I can’t find it but I can feel it, I hope you see what I’m getting at.  That we were able to connect.  We would have never otherwise in our daily routines.  But we did it in a way that was not supposed to be "social" or a situation where you trying to show your goods, mentally and physically, such as dance clubs, bars, parties. We just sat and talked.  If I were to approach her cold during school or otherwise it most likely would have fizzled but even if it didn’t it would have been different because I opened up to her in a way I would never done if I viewed her as some sexual conquest opportunity.  Which girls, every guy views you as unless there is a vulnerable (for both of you) connection between you.  If a guy even talks one word unprovoked to you he is yours if you want him.  I'm going to fumble and try to spit out the point I want to make that applies to all I think.  That have faith that there are people so wonderful out there it's amazing.  You may never meet them in a traditional way during our ridiculous charades and routines we do. But people are all so unique there is something out there for everybody and it beautiful.  Infinitely honest, kind, patient vulnerable, and direct. No ulterior motives.
    

This is the girl I referred to in my first post that I’m still in love with but she’s unattainable and seemingly hopelessly in love with her bf.

    

We're all alone together.  
I love you all, thank you for reading and feeling lonely.


And as a side note to glaze,
That is ridiculous and amazing how far away we are from each other yet you read my words and I read yours.  And that you can relate in someone way to the way I feel.  Does that not prove there is some deep unity and bond between every person on earth?  I not talking about touchy feely new age crap.  I talking about a bond and similarity of our feelings in completely different worlds pretty much.  That we would probably think we have nothing in common except bodily functions and gross emotional states.  But that people can be sensitive enough that they come to the same feelings over thing time and time again.  We share something as with everybody here, a feeling.  I’m not on here to be cool, feel cool, or anything that is going to help me externally.  It makes me feel connected to a deeper part of every human that is free from all the ego driven shit we do all day, a connection free from trying to impress or cleverly maneuvering to get what you want.  It may be painful but it sometimes feels at least like a “clean” feeling

my apologies to the 'real invisible man' for assuming the previous poster and him were the same person. identification is getting to be a little difficult with so many guests and confusing things said such as

.

hi

my thoughts on the question,"Why is being lonely something downplayed and avoided when talking with someone"?:

though i dont like it or fully acknowledge it, i believe i am judgemental in a lot of ways, for example.. if i were two persons n one of me were to walk up to the other and say.. -i dont spend time with friends, i dont do the usual stuff,i dont enjoy those things.. i feel alone- which neither of me wud ever do im sure.. actually walk up to someone n say that without a twitch.. but given the hypothetical situation the other me(who surpisingly is exonerated of my problems everything else remaining the same:in a word:neutralized) wud think and feel a lot of things as purely an observer:

a) pity - when do you sympathize with someone? when you think its unfortunate they are in a particular situation, which you wud not like to be in yourself..

b)a person with "problems"- why wud i not do this. ive been raised on a steady staple of cable tv.. how many hundred times have i seen hypothetical situations like that and the outcomes before. now how can that not have a bearing on my thinking process.

c)something is wrong somewhere- problems definitely - why? because this world has taught me (atleast) that if things are perfect there is likely possibility that something is wrong somewhere - intelligent(?maybe?), beautiful(?maybe?)... lacks social skills(???).
you can make up for intelligence with hard work. you can make up for beauty. it doesnt stand you by in the long term. but social skills. they are a must so you can lead a "normal" fulfilling life. poor poor glaze.. she wud have such a "boring" life. she wud live and die without so much as a whimper. you can get by when young. but in your old age. you need people around. havent you heard that time n time again. well i feel 'sorry' for her..

d)you dont do the usual things(hang out with friends,occasional drink,party) - why not? you sure are "different". what makes you feel that way? you arent the type who parties? but most people enjoy that.. you cant fit in eh? not identify with meaningless banter(unlike real conversations). how sad. thats called fun. arent u missing out?

e)no friends?- maybe she has no friends. maybe she is """shy"""?? well.. well.. well.. thats a problem. i wish i can make a difference for her. "help her" in some way.. --- helloo.. i can be your friend(but on second thoughts: will she be clingy? what will my friends say - ive started socializing with a loner(?).. boring? ) anyways i can say that now to make her feel okay..

f) to a minor extent -cannot hate her- personally.. when i see poor "pathetic" people with problems i feel sad for them. also develop a soft corner for them (who if id seen in a different situation-- say in a pub with a brilliant social life- wud think 'dumb blonde or bimvo airhead'-just because they party and laugh loudly though i could never know her per se as ive never had a conversation with her. but i wud sill like to hate her-- why s that..am i jealous of their brilliant social life? or that i wud become morally correct n say- i wud never do that- wud u or cud u never do that? i know i wud fail therefore- like the fox and the sour grapes, do i percieve her as potential competition-you know that instinct deep down?even if she does not live in my street or my town?-------but this is an aside ). i like this girl. poor girl. she has problems.

and then

the hypothetical situation includes an extension to a day later- the me without problems sees the me with problems- hey?? im supposed to be her friend. lets approach her- hi hello. how re u doing today?" are you okay"????? what plans you got for today. im doing"this with friends" and "that with friends".. do you wanna join in? loner--"hey that wud be great but no thanks. im feeling a little sick today" (so wishing she were alone and i wudnt have to see her hateful friends just to be friends with her).

after a few days..

the same thing continues for a few days[with or without the intention of the social me(who cud potentially not wanna be in a different position with her friends because of her new friend- the loner) of throwing the loner off her back] and things fizzle out

the loner goes into her own world and the the problems free person carries on with her life. she sees the loner a few times and thinks oh poor thing- but i ve tried - maybe she likes to be alone. lets not interfere in her problem- the loner avoids her.. because she has been very vulnerable in front of this successful person. and she has fallen outta touch with her. no chance of connecting again.

loner thinks- oh no.. why did i go do that.. im sure she thinks im pathetic. now i cant even face her. i have to keep running and hiding. or worse. walk past by her n give a smile like nothing ever happened. she might go tell others. what will they think. oh no oh no..

shit..

wud i ever ever ever want that to happen to me in real life? wud i ever want to be vulnerable in front of other people? NO.. see my problem..

mabe thats why im where im at.. i dont want people to prejudge me. atleast if they think i have problems let them do so without a verbal ratification from me. i wud have no way of knowing for certain..

let them just leave me out of their thought.. in peace..

to invisible:

yes it is true that we connect on many levels with a lot of things/people in this world. tho we may not know it. like this thread. you are nameless.. faceless.. to me. and thats why i dont have to worry about pre judgements. i revel in the fact that someone reads my post(and maybe feels the same sometimes). that feels good. so getting back to the basic instincts. why shudnt i do something that makes me feel good with my time. connect with people around the world.. know that im not talking to walls but real people.. who understand..

thanks yal for being there
take care[/color]