i...oh...um...really really want to say something to you, but I have no words...
these words that I do not have would be genuine, would comfort you in every way, would make you feel better if only the tiniest bit

it maybe that you are not connecting with your counselor, and thats really important. if you can't trust them and feel like they are not understanding the depth of the issue, then maybe you need to try someone else...and you are right, your cooperation is neccessary, but if its not working, its not working. as i am sure you know, "she" is not the end all be all. if it doesn't work with her please don't blame yourself...there is someone out there who can help you, when you are ready to be honest and..........sigh, i don't want to give you advice, I just want you to feel better. sometimes it can suck, my friend, it really really can, and i am sorry.

Went to another session today and instead of continuing down the road it was going down, her helping me to be better around people, I changed the subject and told her about how depressed I've been feeling which I was really happy about that I built up the courage to do that. And she talked about depression medicine being an option again and I said I'd be willing to try it so she scheduled me a "medical evaluation" for tomorrow at the campus health center. So I'm a little nervous about that but at least it's a step in the right direction and if I don't like the medicine or even what they recommend I won't take it so we'll see, I have no idea what to expect from a "medical evaluation" that kinda freaks me out but I'll deal with it just fine

I wouldn't take anti-depressants.
but oh god, I know that feeling so damned well, It haunts me, and I despise myself so much for it.
I too fuck up my counseling sessions. I always talk about utter rubbish which is completely off the point of how im really feeling.
Either way, I wish you good luck tomorrow. I mean it.

Thx, I have no idea what to expect

I went to the medical evaluation today and they recommend that I take an antidepressant. They gave me 4 weeks worth and scheduled another appointment to check up in two weeks. I was in a very bad mood when I went to the appointment and I let some things slip I wish I hadn't.. And the medicine isn't what I thought it'd be like, I would have to take it for 2 to 6 weeks to begin to notice any effects and I couldn't just stop it if I didn't like it I would have to decrease dosage over an extended period of time and even then I would go through terrible withdrawal... I was reading about some of the stories of people that went through it and I don't want to ever have to deal with that... Not driving and not wanting anyone to know would make it hard to get it during the summer and after I graduate who knows what I'd do then... I'd always be worrying about where I'll be able to get it next. You know what that makes me sound like? A drug addict and I don't like that at all...

But on the other hand if I don't take the medicine nothing will change and things will keep getting worse and worse until eventually I won't be able to deal with it anymore.. What if the medicine works and makes me feel good again? If I don't take it I could be missing out on that. I'm not living right now, I can't remember when I was last happy, nothing feels right anymore and I feel so distant and cold all the time I can't keep being like this..

I'm in quite a dilemma and I have no idea what to do. I have to decide if I want to take it tonight or not. I'm terribly scared of both the medicine and the affects of me not taking it... So I have no idea what to do any advice or insight or anything would be greatly appreciated cause I am the most indecisive person ever... Today has truly been one of the worst days of my life

I don't think you should take the pills unless you're 100% sure it's what you want. Make sure you ask your doctors absolutely everything you want to know before, if you decide to take them.

I wish I could help you more, but I have no experience with these things. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it will make you feel better =/

Good luck mate. I'm rooting for you

This post was last modified: 03-28-2008 09:24 AM by Jeremi.

Yeah, They offered me antidepressants too, I straight up turned them down.
I have alot of thoughts about how much I hate myself. And I always tell myself I want to kill myself, But still.....
I think I can handle it.
I have suicidal thoughts, But unless I think Im actually going to kill myself, I wont take anti-depressants.
If you really really think you have the capacity to kill yourself, and your are going to do it unless you get chemical help, I wouldnt take anti-depressants. They are highly addictive too, and alot of people do get addicted.

I didn't take the medicine I threw it all away and told both the doctors and the therapists I didn't want them. Yea things were getting out of hand quickly, I was feeling worse and worse then something happened to make me even more depressed and unstable I guess you could say.. And that night that I decided not to take the medicine I came very close to jumping out the window and when I didn't do it I had a long talk with myself and I mean this was one of those life changing moments where you sit yourself down and take a look at yourself and everything in life. This comes from me not a therapist,what I decided was:

1.To love and respect myself

2.To Forgive myself for everything I've done in the past because I tried my best and I realize that's all I could have done, I can't keep living in the past

3.To accept that my brain works differently from other people and to not blame or hate myself because of it

4.Don't repress things so much, don't hold myself back just because other people might see it as weird. If I want to solve a Rubik's cube by using memorized algorithms then damn it I will, other people's opinions be damned!

5.Appreciate things more, savor good moments or moments of peace

6.Realize that I don't like to talk to people, that's it's part of my nature and I shouldn't try to conform or think there is something wrong with me for wanting to be alone just accept it

Since then I've been a lot happier. I feel like one person instead of having a war with myself every second of the day. I don't think I'll ever contemplate suicide again, coming so close to death made me appreciate things so much more too much to ever think of killing myself again. It's all about being able to live with yourself everyday and to not be your own worst enemy

Sounds like you had quite a revelation, and you didn't need any pills for that. That's very strong of you.

Thx for the kind words

Yep so I left this thread a little up in the air so I figured I'd come back and tell how it ended for anyone who's wondering. After that week where I turned down the medicine things got a lot better, I kept going to counseling after that and it was good because with the medicine out of the way we talked about other ways to help get rid of depression like:

-Expose yourself to as much light as possible, when your inside turn on a light

-Exercise especially helps if it's outside

-When you feel a depressed mood coming along listen to upbeat music

-Force yourself to do things you enjoy even if you don't feel like it at the time, you'll find yourself having fun eventually

Those helped me a lot also we went over a lot of ways to identify and argue against negative thoughts like "this always happens to me" "They are all looking at me because I'm sitting alone" etc. I have to recognize that they are illogical and wrong, for instance I have to remind myself to look around and prove that people aren't looking at me etc. and the more you combat these thoughts the less they will show up in your mind, it's been very helpful also with dealing with a lot of my anxiety.

We also talked about holding conversations which I'm really bad at, we had a whole bunch of mock conversations and she would stop me and tell me "well you could have said this" or "why didn't you ask the same question of them" and I think it's helped a bit.

We also talked a lot about autism and which aspects of me are effected by it. I have to try a lot harder than a normal person would during something social to catch facial expressions and social cues and really think about what to say not just mimic the person, which is a bad habit of mine.. It's like playing a game, which is a really lame metaphor but it expresses it all well. It's not that I won't be able to socialize with people normally it's just I have to work a little harder than the average person.

Autism is a difference not a disability and to me it's fascinating, I've gone back and reexamined my life and why I acted the ways I did and it all fits together like I can finally understand myself and THAT is probably the biggest benefit of therapy for me, things make sense now and I feel like I understand myself and appreciate the things I'm good at and not be angry at myself when I do something that isn't along the lines of normalcy. I've agreed to myself that I'll tell my family about me being autistic when I go home for summer and I'll also tell my roommate next year and maybe a few other people this summer if I feel like I can slip it into a conversation or something.

I went to my final session last week, we both agreed that I had shown significant improvement and was ready to try things on my own. I'm going to miss talking to her every week she was awesome.. But with Spring here I'm feeling a lot better and things are looking up. I can't wait for summer to start only 4 weeks left!

Anyone who is reading this right now and considering going to therapy or counseling I would highly recommend it. It's worth a try definitely, it's helped me immensely