Yesterday it was around 4:30 PM or so and I was by myself in my room which is on the sixth story, the window was open cause it was a semi-nice day out, and all I could think of was cutting the screen and jumping out and this kept up the whole night, and there was just a time when I was so out of it....it seemed like such a good idea, it was scary, it honestly was, I hadn't felt this suicidal since high school ...and today I decided that I couldn't live like this anymore so I eventually(it took me a long time to get the courage up) called the counseling service here on campus and scheduled an appointment for tomorrow. I just can't keep living like this things have gotten so bad, I figured it was past time for me to seek help, I hope they can help me... I just have so many issues and things wrong with me, it's crippling I can't deal with it all anymore... And so I made this post so I can keep track if things get any better and so that anyone considering therapy will know what to expect, cause hell, I have no idea what to expect I'm terrified right now I don't know what will happen tomorrow.....So I'll keep track of it all here, at least what I feel comfortable sharing..

Cool nevermore.

so sad to hear that, ur such a great person

I think you should keep a journal as well. what do you mean by 'live like this'? what's troubling you?

NeverMore, You are doing the right thing. And as I keep saying on here a lonely life you have nothing to loss by going to counseling. If things have gotten as bad as that you are in need of some help. Man, know one is an island<-- is that how that's spelt? But you get me.

And you should not Share things here that you are not comfortable with posting. Some might say you have to come out of your comfort zone and they might be right. Not necessary you. But I think that's for ppl like counselors/psychiatrists to say to you.

What I mean is it's cool that your doing a journal. Not what your going through. Just thought I would clarify.

This post was last modified: 02-28-2008 01:52 PM by Skorian.

Thx guys, you all are definitely some of the best people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and I mean that

Well I went in there at 2 for my "session" as they call them and they gave me some paper work to do that took me 20 minutes to do cause on all the questions I kept having to check other and stuff, it was just all the standard questions like have you been here before and how often do you feel worthless things like that not too hard. Then, one of the councilors introduced themselves and we walked back to this room that had no windows and 4 chairs she sat down and I took the chair furthest from her, then she told me we would review the questions I just answered, and the first one was have you ever been here before, and I said quote "no, and I'm terrified right now", she was very easy to talk to. Basically the whole time she just sat there asking me questions and then when I would say something she would ask me something relating to what I just said so I'd elaborate and delve further into things she found interesting...And damn was I apparently interesting she wrote down volumes as I was talking.. Man I never realized how fucked up my past was till I heard it coming out of my mouth, first time I'd ever told somebody some things that I said.

We talked about how long it takes me to be able to feel comfortable around people, and that's why I was comfortable around everyone in high school, it was such a small school and I'd been with them for 7 years, and for this same reason I'm having such a hard time feeling comfortable around anyone here. A lot of what we talked about was in the past two years, and looking back on it I can't believe all the shit that has happened to me in such a short time..In the end she walked over to a self full of books and pulled one out and started reading symptoms and seeing if I would agree they fit me, she didn't diagnose me on the spot or anything but said that I fit a lot of the symptoms for something which I won't say, and said she'd like to explore it further in more sessions. I said okay and we scheduled another one for next Wednesday

It'd kinda depressing to know that I might have a disorder, but at least now I know what the sources of a lot of my problems are and that's kinda uplifting to have it identified, but still nothing is certain so I won't jump to conclusions yet...

I feel a lot better, I think that was just from talking to someone getting it off my chest and knowing that I'm going down the path that will lead to things getting better not worse for once

Uh, I could probably diagnos you myself pretty acurately for all that is worth...

No offense, but right now I am concerned because it seems like your too trusting. People don't have to intend you harm to do damage. You think you have problems now, they could get a whole lot worse if you don't take what this person says with a grain of salt. It's great to hear what others say, but don't feel like you can't have your own oppinion. What worries me is most people can't understand til they go through it themselves :/

Point duly noted, they haven't proven anything to me in my eyes. The disadvantage of accepting that I have a "disorder" is that I will accept it as a part of my nature and stop trying to fight it, I think the fact that I've come as far as I have with the "disorder" they brought up can partially be contributed to the fact that I didn't know I may have it. We'll see, they have to prove to me without a reasonable doubt that it's truly what's wrong with me, so far they haven't it's just speculation. I definitely appreciate the insight it's really appreciated from someone who's been here before.

And even if they do prove to me that I have this "disorder", and recommend some medication or something like that, I'll take it for a week or so, if I don't like the effects I'll never take it again. I won't let this define me as a person because i haven't for the 19 years I've lived with it

I went to another "session" today and found out a lot about myself. When I got there she asked me some more questions and I answered them all and then she told me about two disorders one being dysthymic disorder which is a type of low to moderate depression and she told me all about it and stuff and then said it would be entirely up to me if I wanted to start using medication, I told her I would think about it and get back to her on it.. Then she told me about the other disorder we discussed at the end of the last session and I stopped her mid way through to bring up some questions I had about it, cause I've been doing research on it the entire week and there was one major symptom I didn't fit: lack of empathy for others, I feel empathy for others all the time and I can understand facial expressions perfectly okay...Then, what she said next led me to have an amazing moment of realization. She went down her notes and she read to me all of the characteristics she had noticed in me that typify the disorder and I listened to her explain my life based on everything I told her and why I act the way I do and it all clicked...I do have Asperger's Syndrome it explains so much...

These are some of the observations she made that all typify Asperger's. When I was a kid I didn't play with other kids I swung on a swing set far away from everyone else or I would play with legos by myself perfectly happily. When I got a little older during recess I would study astronomy, I was obsessed with astronomy as a kid I eventually read this college level textbook on astronomy and after reading it decided I knew everything about astronomy and moved on... I didn't have any delay with learning how to talk I was just very quiet, but when I did talk everyone was always surprised by my high vocabulary and would constantly tell me about it. I was at the top of my class for all of elementary school in everything I was quote "a brilliant kid" (she looked at my records). It takes me a very long time to trust people and feel comfortable around them she noted. Sensitivity to a lot of stimuli such as light especially the sun, sounds that no one else is bothered by,taste(the first bite of any meal is always painful to me, makes the glands behind my ears hurt). How I take in everything around me and therefore get overwhelmed easily. The fact that I have to think about what facial expression to make in situations, it's not just built in.. Eye contact makes me extremely uncomfortable... The fact that I have to think about social cues, they aren't built in either. The fact that I mimic people a lot, like if someone says what's up sometimes I'll just say what's up back to them.. My reclusiveness, the fact that I'm perfectly content to be alone by myself at home for a lot of the time. I do some ocd kinda things. I have rigidly set routines that I follow daily. Difficulty with touching or anything physical. The fact that I can empathize decently is perfectly normal for aspergers

So yea I have aspergers, no point in not telling you all... Just please don't treat me any differently...She told me that the fact of me not being diagnosed for 19 years and having to act normal made it so I adapted, to be able to read facial expressions and social cues, I mean I have to think about them still but I learned how to act according to social norms she told me that was pretty amazing how I adapted..And now knowing that I have it means that now I can focus on learning things like holding decent conversations, talking better, reducing social anxiety just like I learned how to read social cues and facial expressions and I'll just have to think about it more than a normal person would have to. I can still live a perfectly normal life it's not crippling, I just have to work at it. The first thing she told me to do was to visualize conversations in my head and think of things to say before entering the conversations like if someone came up to me and said: "what's up?" I would say: "not too much just chillin".. lol I know it sounds stupid but maybe it will help I don't know