Dude, I'm not going to be a callous bastard and say that I know what you're going through, but I have had an experience pretty eerily similar to yours. I have hated myself off and on since I was 5 years old when someone called me a "dirty n*****." When my parents weren't around, I would put talc all over my face and pretend I was white and handsome. Eventually, the crazy went into hibernation. As I grew up, I seemed normal, but my self-esteem was on a slow decline. I hated the color of my skin, my dark hair and eyes, my big bottom lip, my eyebrows, my round face, etc. Then I got glasses. And braces. I was at the top of my class, but I hated everything about myself. People were brutal to me- I was always picked last and teased. My parents, relatives, friends, etc told me I was handsome, but I was convinced they were lying to me. I mean, your parents have to at least pretend to like you, right? In high school, the crazy came back. I would spend hours nitpicking over my appearance and trying on clothes. I spent exorbitant amounts of time and money on my appearance. I picked up alcohol and drugs. My grades tanked and I became the loser that I felt like all my life. I never thought I looked human. Just like you said, I didn't look like I came from any race, and I've always looked like a kid. I thought I looked like a freak. Then acne happened. I would refuse to go out of the house and/or literally rip my face off almost obsessively. As a result, I MADE myself scarred and even uglier than I was. It finally hit me that this was it. My life was fucked up, my face was fucked up, and my mind was the most fucked up. I made a lifestyle change and started doing really well in college, exercising, eating right, quitting bad habits, and I stopped being vain- at least for a moment.

So I apologize for boring you with all the fucked up details of my life, but I'm about to come to a point. In reality, you can't just stop being vain. People around me and the media never let me forget how "worthless" ugly people are in society. Of course, that's bullshit, but what did I know? It got to me. I decided to get plastic surgery on my nose and I started going to an esthetician for treatments on my face. No, I didn't end up looking like Michael Jackson. In fact, the results were really good. However, I am no happier, socially adept, or desireable because of plastic surgery, just like I was no happier wearing nice clothes or grooming for hours. There is not a day that goes by without me feeling so guilty for spending so much money and most of my life pursuing a quest with no end. I was looking at some old pictures of myself the other day and I realized that I really was handsome before all of this. I never needed anything, except therapy. And it was such irony, because in my quest for good looks, I had ended up MAKING myself uglier.

So Chris2, please don't make the same mistake I did and believe that whatever "defect" you have or think you have is holding you back from life. I realized that my mind was the real problem. I can safely say that I had and still probably have body dysmorphia. It's a really debilitating disorder- people have lost their lives over it. As a fellow Southeast Asian American (I'm Indian), I have seen that this is a too-common problem in people like us. Embrace your difference, regardless of what people say. I learned too late that I traded true beauty for the artificial kind. Sorry for rambling, but I hope you think a little before going through with surgery.