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futurecatlady

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Chickened out earlier, but here goes:

I feel a little silly getting worked up over something relatively small when there are people on here with much bigger problems to worry about, but in a weird way I feel like I just need to barf this out somewhere so it is recorded for posterity in case I get hit by a car and die tomorrow. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I just want to tell someone.

There is a guy, a friend, who I've known for a couple of years, and lately we've become quite close. He lavishes me with affection, telling me how much he cares about me, how close he feels to me, etc. In fact, he's really the first person who I am convinced likes me just as I am, and would not prefer me any other way. I of course have fulfilled my loserly duty by instantly falling for him because he is the only guy who knows I exist.

Problem is, he doesn't feel the same way about me, and never will. He is in a relationship with a goddess--cute, funny, smart, kind, and everyone who meets her loves her. She is perfect for him. They are the kind of couple whose first kiss was probably accompanied by a dramatic musical score and ending credits. When their hands touch, rainbows spontaneously form in the sky and angels earn their wings. They will probably get married and have kids and get into arguments and the tension will build but then they realize how amazing they are together and fall in love all over again and happily ever after will happen. In other words, totally off limits.

I'm normally a levelheaded and sensible girl, but when it comes to this issue, I become a ragingly jealous and unreasonable banshee. The girl is my friend too, but lately all I can think when I look at her is "You are wonderful and amazing and you have what I want and I hate you." I don't harbor any real desire to get him--next to her I'm an awkward glob of nothing, so even if their fairytale romance were to end, I very much doubt that his next move would be to go about 100 steps backward. I just get these little ripples of heartache every time I realize that no matter how important I think I am to him, I will never even compare to her.

Anyone else been in a similar situation and successfully managed to get over it? I know I need to let go, but it's hard. I feel like stories like this will define the rest of my life. Never loved or in love, but always infected with unrequited feelings for some poor sod or another.
 
futurecatlady said:
Chickened out earlier, but here goes:

I feel a little silly getting worked up over something relatively small when there are people on here with much bigger problems to worry about

Well done, you've done the right thing! We were curious to know what you said in your earlier post, but more importantly, we're all here to support each other. It's true that some people here are dealing with truly horrible problems, but that doesn't make anyone else's problems less important or silly.

futurecatlady said:
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I just want to tell someone.

I know that feeling all too well, and I'm so glad you've told us.

futurecatlady said:
I of course have fulfilled my loserly duty by instantly falling for him because he is the only guy who knows I exist.

No, that doesn't make you a loser at all. Your feelings for him are completely understandable and natural. (And besides, I'm a guy, and I know you exist, so that's two guys who know you exist for a start :p)

futurecatlady said:
They are the kind of couple whose first kiss was probably accompanied by a dramatic musical score and ending credits. When their hands touch, rainbows spontaneously form in the sky and angels earn their wings. They will probably get married and have kids and get into arguments and the tension will build but then they realize how amazing they are together and fall in love all over again and happily ever after will happen.

I assume you don't know all the intimate details of their relationship, and you certainly can't predict how their future together will evolve. If they're currently in the honeymoon stage of their relationship, we both know that that never lasts forever.

futurecatlady said:
I'm normally a levelheaded and sensible girl, but when it comes to this issue, I become a ragingly jealous and unreasonable banshee.

Jealousy is completely normal in this sort of situation - most people would feel exactly the same way in your shoes.

futurecatlady said:
next to her I'm an awkward glob of nothing, so even if their fairytale romance were to end, I very much doubt that his next move would be to go about 100 steps backward.

Please try not to talk about yourself in this self-deprecating manner. I realise you're in pain right now, and you're venting here, but you're not "an awkward glob of nothing". You've just said that your friend "lavishes me with affection, telling me how much he cares about me, how close he feels to me, etc." You're definitely not "nothing" to him, and I admire the eloquence of your writing when you post here, so I wouldn't call you "awkward" either.

I'm sorry if I've been rather blunt or harsh in my replies here, but I just really want to help lift you out of the dark hole you're in. Keep venting here if you need to - we understand and we're here to support you. ((((((((((REALLY BIG HUG))))))))))
 
futurecatlady, i have nothing helpful to add. I just wanted to say that was amazingly well written.
 
I know it feels like you'll never get over it, but you will, trust me. What strikes me most is also what QuietGuy remarked on: why do you beat yourself up? It's funny because I do the exact same thing to myself and yet I only realize how bad it is when I hear someone else doing it. If I've learned anything in my career as a lonely person, it's that a lack of confidence is the horrible weight that crushes people like us, and yet most of the time we're not even aware of it.
 
I have to agree with Minus. I love your writing style and humor! :p

I don't think I've ever had a crush on a woman who had a super-awesome bf that I personally felt was better than me... but I have sorta fallen for women who had douchey moron boyfriends. I probably liked those women simply because I wanted to "rescue" them... and that's what helped me get over the crushes; I realized that I had been letting my emotions drive my actions, and hadn't given my head a chance to weigh in on the matter.

It's OK to feel things and let emotions run their course. There's nothing wrong with feeling that jealousy, catlady. The problem comes when you let those emotions drive you... and if you say that you've already decided to NOT act on them, then I'd say you're already doing all that you can.

Just ride it out and let the situation go where it goes. Good luck with it! *hugs* :D
 
Thank you for the kind words and support! And QuietGuy, I think that may be the biggest online hug I've ever received! Also, extra bonus points for closing all those parentheses. The programmer in me thanks you.

QuietGuy and Andrew: I have a strong tendency to be self-deprecating, and I try to minimize it if I sense it could get annoying, but it comes back in full force whenever I hold myself up for comparison with someone else. I can't really imagine anyone loving me (as self-pitying as that sounds), especially someone who's had the best, so to speak. I guess maintaining self confidence even in the face of inferiority is something one must learn to do.

Minus and BJD: I try embarrassingly hard to be clever. If only you knew.
 
futurecatlady said:
Minus and BJD: I try embarrassingly hard to be clever. If only you knew.

Probably no more strenuously than I do. :p

And yet I still fall short.

futurecatlady said:
The programmer in me thanks you.

You just caught the attention of every computer-nerd on the forum. Including me. Programmer, eh? :D Do tell!
 
Badjedidude said:
futurecatlady said:
The programmer in me thanks you.

You just caught the attention of every computer-nerd on the forum. Including me. Programmer, eh? :D Do tell!

Wait, first we need to know if she's one of those MVC nuts.
 
futurecatlady said:
Minus and BJD: I try embarrassingly hard to be clever. If only you knew.


It is more than just being clever. The elements range through everything from the flow of it to the insightfulness of it.
 
futurecatlady said:
Also, extra bonus points for closing all those parentheses. The programmer in me thanks you.

Well, being a programmer myself, I had to check I had an equal number of parentheses on each side, otherwise I would've got a compiler error! :D Oh dear, don't tell me we're all lonely programmers on this forum?! :p

futurecatlady said:
I can't really imagine anyone loving me (as self-pitying as that sounds)

I'll tell you something which will hopefully help. There was a time when I thought exactly the same thing as you - "I can't really imagine anyone loving me". What have I got to offer? Why would I interest any girl? I'm not George Clooney, I'm just plain old boring me.

But then, 6 years ago, I dated my first and only girlfriend. She would regularly send me the most wonderful heartfelt love letters imaginable. I would break down in tears just reading them. And I very slowly realised that, yes I'm just plain old boring me, but she loves me nevertheless.

futurecatlady said:
I guess maintaining self confidence even in the face of inferiority is something one must learn to do.

Everyone is inferior to someone else in some respect. I'm inferior to millions of other guys out there. You don't need me to remind you that comparing yourself to others is pointless, and will quickly suck you down into a black hole.

Everyone's self-confidence gets bruised when we suddenly find ourselves in a situation in which someone else seems superior in some respect. It happens to me a lot. But the key thing to remember is that we're each unique. My first girlfriend loved me for my unique personality. It didn't matter that millions of guys were superior to me.

There is a special guy out there somewhere who will love you deeply, just as you are. Trust me on this! It may take a long time to find him, but never doubt that he's out there. Chuck Noland: "I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

Time for sleep, I think
smallsmile.gif
(((((futurecatlady))))) - count the parentheses :p
 
Thank you again for all the love. QuietGuy, the one hope I have is that although I am not perfect or even good, I am unique enough that some schmuck out there will be custom-made for me and will like me exactly as I am. And if he is custom-made, then how can he like anyone else who is not me?
 

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