Emotional Affair: My Personal Story. Can anyone help?

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here-i-am

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So, I’m new here, and have really loved reading other peoples experiences and stories, and wanted to share my recent crazy experience. I just read a post on emotional affairs, and it helped me figure a few things out as well. So here it goes. I’m 28, married, had my 1st child just over a year ago, and have 2 successful careers. I met my wife in high school over 11 years ago, and got married 4 years ago after we were done with school and established in our careers. I’m saying all this in hopes to form a good foundation to see where I’m coming from. I started a wedding photography business a few years ago and it has been a great 2nd career for me, and keeps me rather busy. Every year during my busy wedding season, I usually need the help of a 2nd photographer to help me during the wedding. Both of my regular helped moved away during the winter and found myself in need of someone new to help. Out of the blue, I received an email from a girl who lived in the area and wanted to get some experience with weddings. We emailed back and forth, and set up a time to meet. We met for lunch, talked, and everything went well. Really nothing more than just a regular old lunch meeting. Sure I thought she was cute, really cute actually, but I’m a guy and that’s just how life is at times I suppose. We said we would stay in touch and discuss details as we got closer to the wedding season. We didn’t really talk for about a month or two with the exception of an occasional facebook comment here and there.

After an email or two about upcoming work in the next couple months, she invited me to accompany her on a photo shoot that she had one morning. I said sure, and we had a good time. Mostly work, but it was a good social experience as well, and had fun. We later exchanged some photos online and critiqued each others work, and even took a few photos of each other working and sent them to each other, including one she took of me and included only the word “cute”. Sure, that was nice to hear, but didn’t think to much of it. That was our first real social experience together, and I think we both realized we got along great and had fun around each other. That morning we met for coffee before the shoot, and I had asked her about her husband, as I realized I knew nothing at all about her personal life. She said “well, yes, I’m married, but its sort of complicated, we have both seen other people”. He lives in another state, and they are sort of in a holding pattern. Is it just me, or is that sort of weird to tell someone after not knowing them very well. Anyhow, that was sort of surprising. But I think a part of me was sort of happy to hear that.

So now, moving forward about a month, and our relationship consisting of nothing more than some facbook chatting, mostly about life and just general stuff, it was quite nice, but mostly just friendly. I invited her on an engagement shoot that I had as she had mentioned she wanted some experience with that, so I picked her up and we drove together downtown, but 1st had to stop at a local park where we had a wedding later that year and do some scouting at the request of the client. We walked around together and really did nothing more than take photos of each other, which now I look back on, was nothing more than some serious flirting. Later that evening, after the shoot, we grabbed some dinner, had a beer, and decided afterwards, that we should stop and have another beer at a local bar and hang out some more. In the car ride to the bar, I had to call home and check in, which is where I guess it became obvious that this “emotional affair” had begun. I called home and basically said my shoot ended late and I was going to grab some dinner, which I of course already had done, but now wanted more time for another drink, as that would not have gone over as well. She was sitting next to me in the car when I made this call, and she had said “this is where it all starts”. I sort of laughed it off, but yeah, that is where it all started.

In between that crazy night, and our 1st actual wedding together, I had asked her to take family photos for me of my family. My wife had been sort or oddly quiet most if that evening. The next day, she told me that she did not like Sarah. I sort of flipped out and got really defensive. I told her that she was a really good friend of mine, and there was nothing to worry about. My wife had told me she felt like the 3rd wheel all night, and didn’t trust Sarah. It was quite the argument, and ended with me saying that I would lighten the social aspect of my relationship with Sarah, yet I knew that I would not be doing so, it meant too much to me.

Sorry for all the unnecessary details, but wanted to give you an inside honest look at how it all started. We talked just about everyday day after that, mostly online at night, which is where I often found myself looking for her specifically, and I suppose she was doing the same. We finally had our 1st wedding together which was out of town and required to be there overnight. We agreed that we would split the room, but yet I of course did not tell my wife about this, as that would not fly. We had an awesome drive there, and had great time at the wedding. We had a few beers during the wedding, and found ourselves at the bonfire at the wedding later that night hanging out with the bride and groom and their guests. Little by little, we got closer, eventually with our arms around each other, and then resting our heads on the other’s shoulder. After a fun drive back to town, we grabbed another drink at the hotel, and headed for the room. We were on our separate beds, and she asked if it would be okay to ask for someone to cuddle with. I don’t think I even said anything, I just went over and laid down with her. We got all comfy, and were soon all over each other and making out. Nothing further than 2nd base, but held each other all night. The next morning was confusing, as I didn’t know what to expect, but we were just like a new couple holding hands and all. It actually felt REALLY nice.

For the next 4 weeks, we hung out every weekend. Went to dinner, a concert, dog walks, all sorts of routine fun stuff. And of course, we were all over each other, to the point where people were always staring. It eventually led to us sleeping with each other on one of the weekends. 2 days in a row. It was AMAZING. The following weekend, I had to go out of town with family, and it just happened that her husband was coming into town too, That was sort of weird, but I knew this going into it. We met during the week before I left for a drink, and it took us about 30 mins to say goodbye in the parking lot. We were all over each other. After hints of it, I had told her that I was falling for her. Which was honestly how I felt. She sort of hinted that she did too, but did not quite say it yet. I left town, and she did her thing. We chatted via text every day, and a couple times online. While I was gone, her dad had emergency surgery, and things got sort of crazy in her life because of that. I tried to be as supportive as I could, and give her space where I could.

When I got back into town, I thought we would be right back to where we were. After some weird schedule issues, we finally got together, and went out. It was a little different, but overall fun. The next day sucked. I picked her up head to a wedding, and things were soooo tense. The night prior, when we said goodbye, it seemed as if she could not get out of the car soon enough. Usually there would have been an invitation to come inside, but instead it was really weird and awkward, mostly on her part. I was all ready to go inside. So the next day something wasn’t right, and I was really confused. Later that night, after a beer, she told me that she wasn’t sure that she could keep doing what we were doing, and blamed it mostly on the fact that I have a family at home. I was all confused, I kept saying that she knew this all along, even when we were just flirting friends, and didn’t understand why she let things get so serious, and to the point where I was falling in love with her, to now start breaking it off. But, as the night went on, we were finding little places to hide and make out here and there, and it was nice, but mentally I knew I was confused. I think I just thought that she was going to change her mind and I had nothing to worry about. We had a wedding the next day, things were a little werid, but okay overall. She said she needed a few days to think about things, and I was fine with that. The days that followed sucked. I didn’t know that it meant she was going to totally ignore me and go into hiding. She was having issues with her own marriage, and said on top of it all, she couldn’t handle what she was doing to my family, and needs to figure things out.

To try to make this as brief as I know I am going on and on, things are over. But I cried for days. She broke my heart. Not only was she a “girlfriend” I guess, but she had become my best friend. I started to totally block out my home life. She basically was all my life was about anymore. Now I look back and notice that I let myself get way to attached. I guess I thought inside that she was so amazing, and I was going to leave my family to be with her. The things she sad to me made me think that we were both on the same page and wanted the same thing. Our “fling” only lasted for about 4 weeks, and I totally became dependant on her. My marriage sucked while this went on. I was always trying to keep track of my stories so that everything would work out. I spent a lot of time away from my family and it really hurt my wife. She doesn’t know what happen, but I know she probably has thought about it, especially since she didn’t like her from the beginning.

What kills me now, is we have worked together a few times since, and it is extremely awkward and I am not sure how I should act. We get sort of buddy buddy as the night goes on, and the beer starts flowing, but that’s about it. It seems as if the alcohol is what makes everything okay, and I know that is not right. I have seen from some photography forums that she is now starting to try to become friends with other photographers, specifically one, who is also young, married, good looking, and now they comment back and forth about shooting together soon and how it was nice to meet up last night, and how cool he is. That stuff is hard for me to read, and makes me want to email her and be like “are you for real?” I also forgot to mention, she had a very similar relationship with another photographer in a different genre before me . I only know this because he contacted me one day and started asking questions. He was also married, and not sure if it is actually really over, or of they are just friends with benefits or what. Regardless, it makes me feel like just another notch in the belt, when I gave it all I had and thought it was so real.

Yes, I know what I did was totally wrong. I am very disappointed in myself. I am generally a pretty strong, confident person, and hate being so weak when it comes to this. My relationship with my wife has seemed to become stronger and all that more special to me since I now realize what I had and how good it really is. When some really hot girl walks into your life and if everything you ever wanted, and ends up sleeping with you, I guess I just sort of got brainwashed. I know I need to totally cut off communication with this girl, but I guess a part of me just wants to be friends, and feel if I tell her that I can’t do it anymore, there will be no more friends.

So this is my life lately. It started out what I would consider an emotional affair, and turned into a lot more. Which I honestly can’t see how any emotional affair can not turn into one if given the right amount of time and the right situation. When I have a great time with my family, I forget about all this drama. But when I have a wedding coming up, or I’m busy at work I start thinking about it again. Whenever I see her and this new guy chatting on the forums, it drives me nuts. Should I confront her??? I would love to hear anyone’s feed back if they made it through my story. Has anyone experienced anything like this??? I’m really bad at this because I have been in such a good relationship for so long, and never had to deal with all this drama before. Thoughts??? Suggestions????
 
here-i-am said:
Thoughts??? Suggestions????

Yes, I have a suggestion and some thoughts....

I think that your wife should divorce you and take any assests you have have and then I would suggest that she contact an attorney about suing your former girlfriend for alienation of affection.

WTF? Confront your former mistress?? You got just what you deserved from that one, and hopefully, you'll get what you deserve from your poor wife. You're a MARRIED man, who is JEALOUS over a former mistress - a woman that you cheated on your wife with. I can't even fathom it. :club:

*shakes head in DISGUST* I don't think I've ever been so appalled. IF this isn't just some random made-up BS, that is.
 
I feel really bad for your wife.. She's stuck at home, alone, taking care of your kid while you're off having fun and falling in love with another woman. Was your wife so emotionally unavailable, mean, or abusive to you that you had to seek comfort in another woman? And if so, maybe you should have considered divorce before things got so serious with your mistress.

And the other woman seems to find comfort in married men who have rocky marriages. She broke it off from you because her conscious started working towards the end. She couldn't take hurting your wife and your kid like that. How awful your wife must have felt. And if/when she figures out what you've done... Just imagine how heart broken you feel and multiply it by a million.
 
I agree with Eve. I'm sorry, but if I were your wife, and found out, I'd pack up and go. This is one of the main reasons why I prefer to be single now. And one of the reasons why I'm no longer with my ex. You did get what you deserved. You made your bed, now lie in it.

Edit: I agree with tehdreamer as well.
 
I have nothing but contempt for men who stray and the home-wrecking whores they stray with.

You go on ahead and confront the whore with whom you cheated on your wife if it's going to make you feel better, but think on this: What she did to you was but a shadow of the deceitful and traitorous behavior you displayed toward your wife. This has you heartbroken? A fling of 4 weeks? Wow. You must have no conscience at all.

I hope your wife finds out and annihilates you in court. See how "cute" you are to the opportunistic bimbos when you're broke and living in a van down by the river.
 
Thoughts??? Suggestions????

Thoughts: You're a bad parent for ignoring your family like that. Nevermind being a bad husband

Suggestions: We're not going to give you more empathy than you gave your own family. Think about how ludricrous you're being.
 
You have no idea what kind of damage this is going to cause to your wife.

Your wife has stood beside you for over a decade and this 'cute' girl only stayed with you 4 weeks.

I'm sure it was fun but it is certainly not worth it. I'm sorry but my sympathy goes more toward your wife and child.

I think that you should get this other girl out of your life before you see your marriage completely fall apart. Find another photographer (maybe a guy this time?) and tell her to go. It's obvious that she just uses men and you're just heading for a disaster. Get out of it.
 
Of course she uses men. Her marriage probably isn't exactly what she wishes it to be. So she uses other men to give her what she wants from her husband.
 
You messed over your family and got messed over in turn.

Sounds like you got what you deserved.
 
here-i-am said:
Should I confront her???

That seems to negate what little lip service you have given to accepting the idea that your actions were wrong.

In such matters, as of yet, i have not had any major difference of opinion with cheaptrickfan. I think she stated it well again here.




2438
 
I agree with all the prior comments.

What is it you are looking for by posting here? Absolution? Vindication?

You have not taken responsibility for your actions. You do not care about people you have hurt, and see yourself as some kind of victim in all this. You're not. Grow the hell up.
 
it's a devastating lesson in complacency.

i hope you read what everyone else is saying and take it to heart.
 
If I were your wife, I would cry and cry..



here-i-am said:
My wife had told me she felt like the 3rd wheel all night, and didn’t trust Sarah. It was quite the argument, and ended with me saying that I would lighten the social aspect of my relationship with Sarah, yet I knew that I would not be doing so, it meant too much to me.

How would you feel if your wife flirted/talked to another guy all night ? In fact, How would you feel if she did all this to you ?
If you had no intention of cutting the relationship off, then why are you even married ?
You go on and on like youre some victim of circumstance...but you were probably looking for an affair before you even met Sarah.

here-i-am said:
but we were just like a new couple holding hands and all. It actually felt REALLY nice.

Youre not a new couple, youre commiting adultery

here-i-am said:
why she let things get so serious, and to the point where I was falling in love with her, to now start breaking it off.

why did YOU let it get that far


here-i-am said:
But I cried for days. She broke my heart. Not only was she a “girlfriend” I guess, but she had become my best friend.

She is not your girlfriend, she is your mistress.

here-i-am said:
I started to totally block out my home life

jerk

How can you block out your own child ?

here-i-am said:
My marriage sucked while this went on.

gee. I wonder why

here-i-am said:
it really hurt my wife.

indeed.


here-i-am said:
When some really hot girl walks into your life and if everything you ever wanted, and ends up sleeping with you, I guess I just sort of got brainwashed.

no, youre not brainwashed, youre selfish.
Why is she everything you wanted ? because she is hot ? I bet Lizzie Borden was hot.

Also, this started WAY before she slept with you.

here-i-am said:
I’m really bad at this because I have been in such a good relationship for so long, and never had to deal with all this drama before.

Then why did you ruin it ?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sorry if I seem judgemental, but this is really really awful.

You asked for all of this.

Having your love interest take photos of your family is one of the most twisted things Ive ever heard.

I feel really really bad for your wife.

In my marriage, we avoid intimate conversations with ppl of the opposite sex. It's great to be friends and share experiences, but when youre talking to your "friend" more than your wife about personal issues, there are serious problems.

I would rather someone have a one night stand then have an emotional affair without sex.

BTW : why would you post this on a lonlieness forum ?
 
My honest reply. Consult a psychiatrist please. No I am not being sarcastic. Think about it.
 
You've been had and you totally deserve it! Obviously that girl is sick, she was out to break marriages... I mean look at the trend. Seducing married guys and when the guy falls in love and ready to leave the family she suddenly develops a conscience? and moves to another married guy? Come on! You cannot move on and I think quite obssessed with her... she already ruined your marriage.

I bet she got a kick when she was taking your family photo and both of you excluded your wife. I am a photo enthusiast myself and one of the rules during photoshoot is to make your subjects comfortable with you... I bet she manipulated the conversation around things that your wife does not know anything about.
 
You know, I used to be emotionally open. When i was younger, in my teens and you know where it got me? I cheated on one of my boyfriends.

Yep. You got to learn to close yourself down emotionally. I had to learn to do this when I am in relationships after my first error. If you don't it leads to bad places.

I suggest you go get some counseling for this issue. Seriously. It can't hurt you to learn some psychological tools and to become more self-aware so things of this nature do not happen again.
 
Wow, thats a lot of feedback. And yes, I know what a bad person I am. Perhaps I didn't go into enough detail in my story that I am very upset with myself. This is a 1st for me. I feel really stupid, and almost laughing when I read some peoples comments in regards to how I got what I deserved. You are all absolutely right. And a few people questioned if this was even real, and yes, it totally is. Also asked was why am I even posting it. Well, honestly, I need to get it off my chest. I honestly do not have a friend that I feel comfortable sharing this crap with, not to mention that its embarrassing. I have thought several times about seeking some professional help, I really have.

I also want to explain a few things. This was more than me just hooking up with a cute girl. Yes she is attractive, but it was a lot more than that. Don't a lot of us have a friend that we can admit is hot? No that does not mean you need to hookup with them, I know. Anyhow, we had become extremely good friends. We talked about life, work, all that stuff I would talk to one of my best friends with. Sure there was some flirting involved, but I didn't really acknowledge it. I have been with my wife for the past 11 years, and married for the last 4. I forget what its like to date, flirt, have that 1st kiss feeling. And I think thats a big reason I did it. I felt like I had missed out on a lot in my younger years, and I wanted to experience it. In the back of my mind, yes, I wanted experience this girl on an intimate level, but never thought it would happen, and figured we both knew better, but our feelings were just too strong. I would like to blame it on the drinking and party atmosphere, but it went on past that and when we were sober.

It happened, and now I wish it did not. Yes I know I deserve the crap I am going through now, which is just basically a honeysuckle storm in my head, which is causing me to go nuts, loose sleep, and have some serious self confidence issues. Yes I know what I did to my family, and I do feel really bad. REALLY REALLY BAD!!!!! Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like this has made me a stronger person... Yes, no? I feel like I learned from my mistake. I have put more effort into my family and marriage than I have in a long time. Maybe some married people can understand, but I felt like my life was bad. I had been with the same woman for a long time, and was now dealing with having a new baby in the house, which I honestly have been having a hard time controlling my patients with that. I know its part of being a dad, but I was having trouble with it. I felt like I wasn't wanted, needed, or loved. I don't ever flirt with girls, try to, or have any sort of interaction with anyone of the opposite sex with the exception of coworkers and whatnot in the course of regular life. I barely got to hang out with my guy friends that often. I felt like getting married just sort of put me in prison. When "Sarah" (not real name obviously) came into my life, it was everything that I felt I was missing. Isn't that a cause of a lot of affairs. I knew I had some minor issues within my marriage, and some were being worked on, but when someone comes into your life and seems to make you happy all of a sudden, I got sucked in. Isn't there something that women go through after having a baby or something where they feel really bad about themselves, and feel fat, and need to be reassured that they are pretty..... I think I went through this with my wife. I think I might have gone through the same thing but in a guy sense. I felt like and old, married, unattractive guy that never got noticed. When I was noticed, I freaked out and went with it.

Again, I know what I did was wrong, I don't think I need to be reminded of that anymore. I'm just trying to learn from this, and figure things out in my head. I feel I have made a lot of good decisions in my life, and this was by far one of my worst. And I guess I am so disappointed in myself, that I am trying to figure out where I went wrong, and how to make sure this does not happen again. This is tough to go through alone, and thats why I came to you all. I think at this point, suggestions and some some help with understanding my thought patterns would be super useful. Thanks you so much "eris" and "SophiaGrace", you totally hit home for me. Eris, I know, the family photo thing was weird. But like I said, I never fully acknowledged that it was a real attraction, and that it was really mutual. I just figured I was being a guy, and had fantasies in my head, and thats all it ever would be, it was my attempt at trying to prove that we were just friends, with both me, my wife, and Sarah. "SophiaGrace", I know there are serious problems with the way I handled my emotions. I never had to deal with breaking up with anyone before. I didn't really date much prior to being 17 years old. So this was a 1st, and a really bad situation to boost. I actually came to realize this most from Sarah herself. She is totally over it and kept telling me to get on with my life, and stop with the ******* drama. Not that I should be taking any advice from her at this point, but she has been down this road before, a lot actually. I have not.
 

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