Seven Days
Member
Okay I'm posting this from my iTouch and it keeps crashing so I'm going to try to keep this briefer than I would have ordinarily. So I guess I'll just start.
And yes, unfortunately every god-forsaken word of this is true.
-I am 18, male
-I wouldn't call myself either good or bad looking, I'm an average Joe.
-I go off to college one week from today.
-I have never kissed a girl
-I have never hugged a girl
-I have never dated a girl
-I have never asked a girl out
-I have never been in any situation whereby any of the above could possibly occur.
Now for the serious stuff, I've been told that this is 'the saddest thing I've ever read' to many of the people I've shared it with so buckle in.
From a young age, I never really fit in with people. I don't know what it was but for some reason people never wanted me around. I kinda evolved around this situation and became a very quiet and docile person. I avoided approaching people, and averted my eyes when eye contact occurred. I avoided sports and outdoor activity, where my social ineptitude seems to flare in the sunlight, and instead stuck to a tight-knit group of very few friends, and became a video gamer. I grew up this way, age 1 to 10, always thinking of myself as inferior to everyone else on the planet, and never questioning how wrong that the notion was. I saw myself as some sort of 'mistake'. My mom calls me a miracle child, because she had me when my parents were 'protected'. I always thought that I was the child that wasn't wanted. I grew up an air force child, (one of two, I have a "perfect" younger sister) moving every 2 years until 4th grade, and my father was never home. Which was good, because he abused my mother and hated me, although credit to him he never struck me.
Anyway, on comes middle school, and I become the target for all the bullies. I don't know why they chose ME to pick on, maybe it was because I didn't fight back, and they always got away with it. The way I see it, had I raised hell I wouldve just lost the fights anyways. But anyway they called me ''geek'', and "freak", and "loser", and I just sat there with my head down and took it all, because they never once called me a name that I didn't think I actually was. But anyway, I couldn't make friends anymore because I was "that guy". The loser, the freak. Nobody wanted to be with me because then they were freaks and losers for hanging out with me. So I was alone, save for a constant, yet shifting, group of myself and 2 friends.
Like all middle school boys I started to notice girls in a different way, I wanted to kiss one, I wanted to be with one. I looked around and there were couples everywhere, and by the end of middle school, I didn't know a single person out of my group of friends that had never kissed a girl, much less dated one. But as the ''loser'' no girl would come near me, and I couldn't blame them. So day after day I would take my cafeteria tray and sit alone in the corner, and watch all the happy people go about their happy lives. There'd be couples kissing, and flirting, and holding hands... I had to sit alone and WATCH IT.
Time progressed into 9th grade, highschool, my parents got divorced, and I started living with my mom. I've never received real love from anyone. My family always just gives me a hollow 'love ya' or a millisecond courtesy hug before bed. No love involved.
My mom starts dating and bringing home guys, all of which I think are cool fellas and I'm fine with 'em. My dad starts pretending to care about me so I'll come visit more, because my perfect little sister whom he adores couldn't go by herself, and I had to drive her arrogant, gratitude-free ass everywhere she needed to go.
But anyway, now high school has begun, and I no longer care about girls for hormonal reasons... I want a relationship, I want to LOVE. The bullying had stopped now but everyone still knew who I was. Try getting a girlfriend while under the understanding that if someone says 'freak' people know they're talking about you. About now is where my life started to go downhill. (and you thought that was the bad part) I began to get seriously lonely. Everywhere I went, everything I did, I did alone. I started to have dreams.. I'd see a smiling girl looking at me, and she's say," I love you." and I'd rush in and embrace her, and I'd hold her for untold amounts of time while tears rained down my face.
And then I would wake up, clutching a cold, wet pillow like it was my last tether to life, and I'd realize, it was a dream. There was no girl... There WAS no hug... There WAS.NO.LOVE. And I'd just break. I wouldn't fall back asleep, I'd stay awake crying until the stars quit twirling in the sky, and the slavedriving sun forced me to live another day. All I wanted was someone to love, and someone to love me.
About mid-junior year was when my pain finally peaked, the incident that sparked my psychosomatic illness. I was sitting in math class, and one if my two friends, who is to say the least, a VERY unnatrractive guy (he's got a big hairy mole on his face, he's 6'2, 150lbs, and his teeth are rotting out) turns around and says ,"guess what?" I look up sarcastically, expecting a trademark joke of some kind. "Emily bookout asked me to go to prom with her."
...
I said,"Wow!congrats man!" like a good friend and then started to break down right there in class. I just couldn't stop thinking,"If HE'S good enough, WHAT THE HELL AM I!?" "I am literally the dog crap on societies' boot.."
*drip*
A tear hits my desk, and a cry I fail to stifle escapes into the room. The silent room... Where the lesson is in progress. And I don't notice it happened. I keep crying for almost 30 seconds, I'm hiding my face behind my hands and tear after tear hits my desk. Then I hear,"*my name*, do you need to go to the restroom?" and I look up.. and EVERYONE is staring right at me. Without a word I get out of my desk and start running, I run all the way to the parking lot, and get in my car, and just sit in it, bawling my eyes out,
And then I get cold.
I start shaking.
My chest pulsates with sharp pain every time my heart beats. And it hurts, dear GOD it hurts so bad.
Ever since that moment, whenever I think of romance, or dream of love, I shake, I grow cold, and my heart feels like it's pumping broken glass. And I looked it up, it turns out that when the human mind is exposed to more trauma than it can express, literally, when it OVERLOADS with pain, it projects the pain physically.. so it doesn't cause BRAIN DAMAGE.
That's a whole new kind of bad day.
I've cried myself to sleep every night of my life for the past FIVE YEARS. I've NEVER heard the words,"I love you." meaningfully. And even now as I write this I'm freezing cold, my arms are shaking, and I can FEEL my heart breaking again and again.
VERY long story short, I've come to realize that there's only one way a girl could accept me for the emotional wreck I am. What girl wouldn't get creeped out when I cry buckets during our first HUG?! What girl would appreciate my endless devotion, my copious DOWNPOUR of affection?! I've never been LOVED, I've never been ALLOWED to love!
One and only one answer:
A girl who's as lonely and depressed as me, or at least close.
So, assuming that you actually READ all of that.. I have to ask... Is there any hope for love for a guy like me? Because there's not a day in my life I don't hate waking up to, and I'd like to know if I'm chasing kites, while I'd be better off cutting the string.
And yes, unfortunately every god-forsaken word of this is true.
-I am 18, male
-I wouldn't call myself either good or bad looking, I'm an average Joe.
-I go off to college one week from today.
-I have never kissed a girl
-I have never hugged a girl
-I have never dated a girl
-I have never asked a girl out
-I have never been in any situation whereby any of the above could possibly occur.
Now for the serious stuff, I've been told that this is 'the saddest thing I've ever read' to many of the people I've shared it with so buckle in.
From a young age, I never really fit in with people. I don't know what it was but for some reason people never wanted me around. I kinda evolved around this situation and became a very quiet and docile person. I avoided approaching people, and averted my eyes when eye contact occurred. I avoided sports and outdoor activity, where my social ineptitude seems to flare in the sunlight, and instead stuck to a tight-knit group of very few friends, and became a video gamer. I grew up this way, age 1 to 10, always thinking of myself as inferior to everyone else on the planet, and never questioning how wrong that the notion was. I saw myself as some sort of 'mistake'. My mom calls me a miracle child, because she had me when my parents were 'protected'. I always thought that I was the child that wasn't wanted. I grew up an air force child, (one of two, I have a "perfect" younger sister) moving every 2 years until 4th grade, and my father was never home. Which was good, because he abused my mother and hated me, although credit to him he never struck me.
Anyway, on comes middle school, and I become the target for all the bullies. I don't know why they chose ME to pick on, maybe it was because I didn't fight back, and they always got away with it. The way I see it, had I raised hell I wouldve just lost the fights anyways. But anyway they called me ''geek'', and "freak", and "loser", and I just sat there with my head down and took it all, because they never once called me a name that I didn't think I actually was. But anyway, I couldn't make friends anymore because I was "that guy". The loser, the freak. Nobody wanted to be with me because then they were freaks and losers for hanging out with me. So I was alone, save for a constant, yet shifting, group of myself and 2 friends.
Like all middle school boys I started to notice girls in a different way, I wanted to kiss one, I wanted to be with one. I looked around and there were couples everywhere, and by the end of middle school, I didn't know a single person out of my group of friends that had never kissed a girl, much less dated one. But as the ''loser'' no girl would come near me, and I couldn't blame them. So day after day I would take my cafeteria tray and sit alone in the corner, and watch all the happy people go about their happy lives. There'd be couples kissing, and flirting, and holding hands... I had to sit alone and WATCH IT.
Time progressed into 9th grade, highschool, my parents got divorced, and I started living with my mom. I've never received real love from anyone. My family always just gives me a hollow 'love ya' or a millisecond courtesy hug before bed. No love involved.
My mom starts dating and bringing home guys, all of which I think are cool fellas and I'm fine with 'em. My dad starts pretending to care about me so I'll come visit more, because my perfect little sister whom he adores couldn't go by herself, and I had to drive her arrogant, gratitude-free ass everywhere she needed to go.
But anyway, now high school has begun, and I no longer care about girls for hormonal reasons... I want a relationship, I want to LOVE. The bullying had stopped now but everyone still knew who I was. Try getting a girlfriend while under the understanding that if someone says 'freak' people know they're talking about you. About now is where my life started to go downhill. (and you thought that was the bad part) I began to get seriously lonely. Everywhere I went, everything I did, I did alone. I started to have dreams.. I'd see a smiling girl looking at me, and she's say," I love you." and I'd rush in and embrace her, and I'd hold her for untold amounts of time while tears rained down my face.
And then I would wake up, clutching a cold, wet pillow like it was my last tether to life, and I'd realize, it was a dream. There was no girl... There WAS no hug... There WAS.NO.LOVE. And I'd just break. I wouldn't fall back asleep, I'd stay awake crying until the stars quit twirling in the sky, and the slavedriving sun forced me to live another day. All I wanted was someone to love, and someone to love me.
About mid-junior year was when my pain finally peaked, the incident that sparked my psychosomatic illness. I was sitting in math class, and one if my two friends, who is to say the least, a VERY unnatrractive guy (he's got a big hairy mole on his face, he's 6'2, 150lbs, and his teeth are rotting out) turns around and says ,"guess what?" I look up sarcastically, expecting a trademark joke of some kind. "Emily bookout asked me to go to prom with her."
...
I said,"Wow!congrats man!" like a good friend and then started to break down right there in class. I just couldn't stop thinking,"If HE'S good enough, WHAT THE HELL AM I!?" "I am literally the dog crap on societies' boot.."
*drip*
A tear hits my desk, and a cry I fail to stifle escapes into the room. The silent room... Where the lesson is in progress. And I don't notice it happened. I keep crying for almost 30 seconds, I'm hiding my face behind my hands and tear after tear hits my desk. Then I hear,"*my name*, do you need to go to the restroom?" and I look up.. and EVERYONE is staring right at me. Without a word I get out of my desk and start running, I run all the way to the parking lot, and get in my car, and just sit in it, bawling my eyes out,
And then I get cold.
I start shaking.
My chest pulsates with sharp pain every time my heart beats. And it hurts, dear GOD it hurts so bad.
Ever since that moment, whenever I think of romance, or dream of love, I shake, I grow cold, and my heart feels like it's pumping broken glass. And I looked it up, it turns out that when the human mind is exposed to more trauma than it can express, literally, when it OVERLOADS with pain, it projects the pain physically.. so it doesn't cause BRAIN DAMAGE.
That's a whole new kind of bad day.
I've cried myself to sleep every night of my life for the past FIVE YEARS. I've NEVER heard the words,"I love you." meaningfully. And even now as I write this I'm freezing cold, my arms are shaking, and I can FEEL my heart breaking again and again.
VERY long story short, I've come to realize that there's only one way a girl could accept me for the emotional wreck I am. What girl wouldn't get creeped out when I cry buckets during our first HUG?! What girl would appreciate my endless devotion, my copious DOWNPOUR of affection?! I've never been LOVED, I've never been ALLOWED to love!
One and only one answer:
A girl who's as lonely and depressed as me, or at least close.
So, assuming that you actually READ all of that.. I have to ask... Is there any hope for love for a guy like me? Because there's not a day in my life I don't hate waking up to, and I'd like to know if I'm chasing kites, while I'd be better off cutting the string.