Is there hope for ME...? (WARNING: Long read)

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Seven Days

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Okay I'm posting this from my iTouch and it keeps crashing so I'm going to try to keep this briefer than I would have ordinarily. So I guess I'll just start.

And yes, unfortunately every god-forsaken word of this is true.

-I am 18, male
-I wouldn't call myself either good or bad looking, I'm an average Joe.
-I go off to college one week from today.
-I have never kissed a girl
-I have never hugged a girl
-I have never dated a girl
-I have never asked a girl out
-I have never been in any situation whereby any of the above could possibly occur.

Now for the serious stuff, I've been told that this is 'the saddest thing I've ever read' to many of the people I've shared it with so buckle in.

From a young age, I never really fit in with people. I don't know what it was but for some reason people never wanted me around. I kinda evolved around this situation and became a very quiet and docile person. I avoided approaching people, and averted my eyes when eye contact occurred. I avoided sports and outdoor activity, where my social ineptitude seems to flare in the sunlight, and instead stuck to a tight-knit group of very few friends, and became a video gamer. I grew up this way, age 1 to 10, always thinking of myself as inferior to everyone else on the planet, and never questioning how wrong that the notion was. I saw myself as some sort of 'mistake'. My mom calls me a miracle child, because she had me when my parents were 'protected'. I always thought that I was the child that wasn't wanted. I grew up an air force child, (one of two, I have a "perfect" younger sister) moving every 2 years until 4th grade, and my father was never home. Which was good, because he abused my mother and hated me, although credit to him he never struck me.
Anyway, on comes middle school, and I become the target for all the bullies. I don't know why they chose ME to pick on, maybe it was because I didn't fight back, and they always got away with it. The way I see it, had I raised hell I wouldve just lost the fights anyways. But anyway they called me ''geek'', and "freak", and "loser", and I just sat there with my head down and took it all, because they never once called me a name that I didn't think I actually was. But anyway, I couldn't make friends anymore because I was "that guy". The loser, the freak. Nobody wanted to be with me because then they were freaks and losers for hanging out with me. So I was alone, save for a constant, yet shifting, group of myself and 2 friends.
Like all middle school boys I started to notice girls in a different way, I wanted to kiss one, I wanted to be with one. I looked around and there were couples everywhere, and by the end of middle school, I didn't know a single person out of my group of friends that had never kissed a girl, much less dated one. But as the ''loser'' no girl would come near me, and I couldn't blame them. So day after day I would take my cafeteria tray and sit alone in the corner, and watch all the happy people go about their happy lives. There'd be couples kissing, and flirting, and holding hands... I had to sit alone and WATCH IT.
Time progressed into 9th grade, highschool, my parents got divorced, and I started living with my mom. I've never received real love from anyone. My family always just gives me a hollow 'love ya' or a millisecond courtesy hug before bed. No love involved.
My mom starts dating and bringing home guys, all of which I think are cool fellas and I'm fine with 'em. My dad starts pretending to care about me so I'll come visit more, because my perfect little sister whom he adores couldn't go by herself, and I had to drive her arrogant, gratitude-free ass everywhere she needed to go.
But anyway, now high school has begun, and I no longer care about girls for hormonal reasons... I want a relationship, I want to LOVE. The bullying had stopped now but everyone still knew who I was. Try getting a girlfriend while under the understanding that if someone says 'freak' people know they're talking about you. About now is where my life started to go downhill. (and you thought that was the bad part) I began to get seriously lonely. Everywhere I went, everything I did, I did alone. I started to have dreams.. I'd see a smiling girl looking at me, and she's say," I love you." and I'd rush in and embrace her, and I'd hold her for untold amounts of time while tears rained down my face.

And then I would wake up, clutching a cold, wet pillow like it was my last tether to life, and I'd realize, it was a dream. There was no girl... There WAS no hug... There WAS.NO.LOVE. And I'd just break. I wouldn't fall back asleep, I'd stay awake crying until the stars quit twirling in the sky, and the slavedriving sun forced me to live another day. All I wanted was someone to love, and someone to love me.
About mid-junior year was when my pain finally peaked, the incident that sparked my psychosomatic illness. I was sitting in math class, and one if my two friends, who is to say the least, a VERY unnatrractive guy (he's got a big hairy mole on his face, he's 6'2, 150lbs, and his teeth are rotting out) turns around and says ,"guess what?" I look up sarcastically, expecting a trademark joke of some kind. "Emily bookout asked me to go to prom with her."
...
I said,"Wow!congrats man!" like a good friend and then started to break down right there in class. I just couldn't stop thinking,"If HE'S good enough, WHAT THE HELL AM I!?" "I am literally the dog crap on societies' boot.."
*drip*
A tear hits my desk, and a cry I fail to stifle escapes into the room. The silent room... Where the lesson is in progress. And I don't notice it happened. I keep crying for almost 30 seconds, I'm hiding my face behind my hands and tear after tear hits my desk. Then I hear,"*my name*, do you need to go to the restroom?" and I look up.. and EVERYONE is staring right at me. Without a word I get out of my desk and start running, I run all the way to the parking lot, and get in my car, and just sit in it, bawling my eyes out,
And then I get cold.
I start shaking.
My chest pulsates with sharp pain every time my heart beats. And it hurts, dear GOD it hurts so bad.

Ever since that moment, whenever I think of romance, or dream of love, I shake, I grow cold, and my heart feels like it's pumping broken glass. And I looked it up, it turns out that when the human mind is exposed to more trauma than it can express, literally, when it OVERLOADS with pain, it projects the pain physically.. so it doesn't cause BRAIN DAMAGE.

That's a whole new kind of bad day.

I've cried myself to sleep every night of my life for the past FIVE YEARS. I've NEVER heard the words,"I love you." meaningfully. And even now as I write this I'm freezing cold, my arms are shaking, and I can FEEL my heart breaking again and again.

VERY long story short, I've come to realize that there's only one way a girl could accept me for the emotional wreck I am. What girl wouldn't get creeped out when I cry buckets during our first HUG?! What girl would appreciate my endless devotion, my copious DOWNPOUR of affection?! I've never been LOVED, I've never been ALLOWED to love!

One and only one answer:
A girl who's as lonely and depressed as me, or at least close.



So, assuming that you actually READ all of that.. I have to ask... Is there any hope for love for a guy like me? Because there's not a day in my life I don't hate waking up to, and I'd like to know if I'm chasing kites, while I'd be better off cutting the string.
 
Let me know when you're ready to join my boat, I will drop everything educational on that ass, no mercy. If you are at the "fuckit" point" I am here, I've been there, you let me know if you're ready to break hearts and I can help you.
 
I literally understood next to none of what you just said there o_O

Anyway... It's 3:15 in the morning here, granted I can't sleep, I can try to. So I won't be able to get to your response for a few hours.
 
You're 18, Seven Days. Give it some time and calm down, dude. Relax a bit and enjoy life and you'll find plenty of opportunities to meet people.

Seven Days said:
One and only one answer:
A girl who's as lonely and depressed as me, or at least close.

No, that's not the answer. Thinking it is will only make you more lonely. Other people can't magically "fix" you like some girlie romance movie. It doesn't work that way. If you're unhappy now, you'll most likely be unhappy when you're with someone.

The change happens from within, not from without.
 
Indeed it's extremely painful when you have a feeling that no one wants you. I don't think that's the case though that no girl likes you. You're just yearning for a girlfriend. I think we have or are going through stages of wanting someone to be our own special somebody, so you're not alone. There are tons of single men and women who haven't had their first kiss at your age. I'm one of em. It's not much for a problem to me cause I know the One upstairs is going to choose the perfect time to let that certain somebody come into my life.

And you're being a bit over dependent on looks. What if that ugly guy was a really nice guy and knew how to treat that girl? Just because he got a girl to ask him to prom doesn't mean you're dirt. I'd consider dirt those guys who prefer to just use girls to satisfy themselves. You are absolutely far from that cause you know how to love with your whole heart.

Pay no heed to those people who call you those names. So what if they spread it to other people especially other girls. Don't even think that all the girls are gonna believe them.

And gosh you're just 18. I hate how western society just pressures young teens to get kissed or lose their virginity from junior high to high school. It's ridiculous!! Why is it so important to follow society's expectations! Don't let it dictate to you how to live your life.

And to answer your question... yes!!! Most definitely there is hope for you! You just need patience!
 
Your are so little.You have to face more.You have to Fight with this all so never think like this Just enjoy Your life remember one thing God Give gifts to us then enjoy life never think this kind of rubbish thing.
 
Somebody showed me a quote one day, "Run towards your fears and embrace them. On the other side of your greatest fears lives your greatest life"..

I started thinking about it and life and realized that I was moving the wrong way. I am just following the wrong path which I dont have to. Nobody is forcing me, then why am I just going in the wrong way? I thought for a bit more and realized, its the world and its our fears. Fear of failure and fear of being the slapstick and the fear of being laughed at. But in real, how worse can it be than my current situation? It just cant. It can only get better no matter how I look at it. Even if I fail, I know I tried, thats a big step. Even if somebody is laughing at me, well duh I m glad nobody is crying because of me. I decided to do things in a different way and started forcing myself to do stuff. I kept telling myself "if you dont do it, you are never gonna be out of this state. Just do it and get it over with."

I know this probably wont make any sense to you cos I dont know how to put my mind and how my mind feels into words. You are probably going to read this and take this as "oh yeah yet another kid, trying to show me a random quote from internet and trying to mock me" or something like "hah! silly guy and his beliefs, he thinks thats whats working for him but I know it isnt". Because whenever I tell somebody something like this, they always think like this and take it as a joke. Although you wouldn't know what will happen unless you try, now would you?
 
Of course there's hope for you, you're young and there's alot more options in life once you're independent. You'll probably fare better in college, just proactively seek love. It may not happen immediately but if you make the effort to socialize and date you'll find someone. It's not even that unusual for guys your age to have never been in a relationship. You do sound unusually depressed and anxious though, even for someone who is lonely.
 
Wandering stranger said:
Let me know when you're ready to join my boat, I will drop everything educational on that ass, no mercy. If you are at the "fuckit" point" I am here, I've been there, you let me know if you're ready to break hearts and I can help you.

Let me see if I've got what you're saying here.

He should let you know when he's had it with his situation, at which point he can contact you. You will drop everything and teach him how to break the hearts of women.

Is that translation accurate?
 
cheaptrickfan said:
Wandering stranger said:
Let me know when you're ready to join my boat, I will drop everything educational on that ass, no mercy. If you are at the "fuckit" point" I am here, I've been there, you let me know if you're ready to break hearts and I can help you.

Let me see if I've got what you're saying here.

He should let you know when he's had it with his situation, at which point he can contact you. You will drop everything and teach him how to break the hearts of women.

Is that translation accurate?

I think that translation is very accurate and I also think he has been banned. :p
 
SophiaGrace said:
cheaptrickfan said:
Wandering stranger said:
Let me know when you're ready to join my boat, I will drop everything educational on that ass, no mercy. If you are at the "fuckit" point" I am here, I've been there, you let me know if you're ready to break hearts and I can help you.

Let me see if I've got what you're saying here.

He should let you know when he's had it with his situation, at which point he can contact you. You will drop everything and teach him how to break the hearts of women.

Is that translation accurate?

I think that translation is very accurate and I also think he has been banned. :p


Well, there's temporary banning and then there's banishment.
 
This is the same kind of loneliness i feel, But i think there is someone out there for everyone, as fate would have it, maybe none of the girls you've seen/met were the right one for you, or even deserved you for that matter. But every dog has his day, and when you get yours. it'll be sweeeeeeeeeet. Hang in there man.
 
I gotta say all the proactive comments here have improved my spirits a bit. Unfortunately my iPod is being wierd again and I can't see what I'm typing so if anything wierd shows up, it's due to the autocorrecting spelling function that often confuses words when typo'd.

Moving on..

A few responses:

Thanks to everyone telling me to hang in there, I've been doing it for four years, and it ALWAYS helps to know that someone wants good things for me.


As for the guy talking about what I would call 'the Nike slogan'. I'm not gonna rip on you for saying that, never in my wildest dreams would I berate a benefactor: circle number nine, people named Dante.. junk like that. Rather, I understand what you're saying, nothing to lose nothing to fear. Good advice, but I can't conform now, I don't even WANT a normal girl anymore. I actually get all teary eyed and can't help smiling when I think of a shy lonely little girl confessing her long endured sorrows to me, as she cries on my shoulder, knowing that I accept her, and ADORE her as she is. I literally think that I've entirely lost my desire for acceptance among common people.

I forget who said it but in referring to "The One Upstairs". I've always been quizzical about God, and it's interesting you should bring it up . About five months ago I literally got on my hands and knees and pleaded for someone who would love me as I would her. And if there is infact a god, I am certain I heard him say to me that I would meet my sweet within my first 3 months at college. However I am understandably skeptical and scared that it could just be another trick my lonely mind is playing on me. I am 100%, however, that if there is a god, he spoke to me. So the anticipation and nervousness is eating me alive.



As for the reference to western society, I couldn't care less about fitting in. All I want is a genuine love, society had very little to do with my desires, rather, all it has done is inhibit them.


In comment about my unnatrractive friend, she went out with him because she thought he was "cute" her words. I still don't know what to make of that.
 
Hi Seven Days, welcome to the forum.

You've had a tough time so far, my friend :( It may be of some comfort to know that you're not alone in your sad experiences - I had many similar experiences to you at school (I'm 27 now).

You've experienced so much pain, and it annoys me when people say "you're only 18, you're still young", as if that makes your pain any less important or more bearable. It doesn't matter how old you are, your pain still hurts.

When I was 18, I'd never had a girlfriend either, and the pain was literally unbearable. When I came home from school each day, I would often lock myself in my room, start crying uncontrollably, play deafening heavy metal music on my headphones, and start scarring my upper arms with anything metal and sharp that I could find. So yes, I truly understand your pain, my friend.

I'll respond to some of the points in your posts first, and then give you a bit of (hopefully helpful) advice.


Seven Days said:
I avoided sports and outdoor activity, where my social ineptitude seems to flare in the sunlight, and instead stuck to a tight-knit group of very few friends

That's exactly how I was at school too.


Seven Days said:
Anyway, on comes middle school, and I become the target for all the bullies. I don't know why they chose ME to pick on, maybe it was because I didn't fight back, and they always got away with it. The way I see it, had I raised hell I wouldve just lost the fights anyways. But anyway they called me ''geek'', and "freak", and "loser", and I just sat there with my head down and took it all, because they never once called me a name that I didn't think I actually was. But anyway, I couldn't make friends anymore because I was "that guy". The loser, the freak. Nobody wanted to be with me because then they were freaks and losers for hanging out with me. So I was alone, save for a constant, yet shifting, group of myself and 2 friends.

I suffered some horrible bullying when I was about 14 or 15 too. And like you, there were only about 2 or 3 people who wanted to be friends with me, so I just stuck with them constantly. We were always the "weirdos", the odd ones out.


Seven Days said:
So day after day I would take my cafeteria tray and sit alone in the corner, and watch all the happy people go about their happy lives. There'd be couples kissing, and flirting, and holding hands... I had to sit alone and WATCH IT.

I know this pain very well, my friend. It hurts like fresia, doesn't it?


Seven Days said:
I started to have dreams.. I'd see a smiling girl looking at me, and she's say," I love you." and I'd rush in and embrace her, and I'd hold her for untold amounts of time while tears rained down my face. And then I would wake up, clutching a cold, wet pillow like it was my last tether to life, and I'd realize, it was a dream. There was no girl... There WAS no hug... There WAS.NO.LOVE. And I'd just break. I wouldn't fall back asleep, I'd stay awake crying until the stars quit twirling in the sky, and the slavedriving sun forced me to live another day. All I wanted was someone to love, and someone to love me.

Yup, those dreams are so cruel. Check out this post I made a while ago, and you'll see you're not the only one to have those dreams.


Seven Days said:
I was sitting in math class, and one if my two friends, who is to say the least, a VERY unnatrractive guy (he's got a big hairy mole on his face, he's 6'2, 150lbs, and his teeth are rotting out) turns around and says ,"guess what?" I look up sarcastically, expecting a trademark joke of some kind. "Emily bookout asked me to go to prom with her." ... I said,"Wow!congrats man!" like a good friend and then started to break down right there in class. I just couldn't stop thinking,"If HE'S good enough, WHAT THE HELL AM I!?" "I am literally the dog crap on societies' boot.." *drip* A tear hits my desk, and a cry I fail to stifle escapes into the room. The silent room... Where the lesson is in progress. And I don't notice it happened. I keep crying for almost 30 seconds, I'm hiding my face behind my hands and tear after tear hits my desk. Then I hear,"*my name*, do you need to go to the restroom?" and I look up.. and EVERYONE is staring right at me. Without a word I get out of my desk and start running, I run all the way to the parking lot, and get in my car, and just sit in it, bawling my eyes out, And then I get cold. I start shaking. My chest pulsates with sharp pain every time my heart beats. And it hurts, dear GOD it hurts so bad.

I truly felt the horror of that classroom moment as I was reading.


Seven Days said:
I've cried myself to sleep every night of my life for the past FIVE YEARS.

Five years? I'm so sorry for you :(


Seven Days said:
I literally think that I've entirely lost my desire for acceptance among common people. [...] I couldn't care less about fitting in. All I want is a genuine love

I feel exactly the same, and I'm glad you don't care about "fitting in". Society puts so much pressure on us to be like everyone else, but I prefer to do my own thing, go my own way, and screw what society says about me. But we all need to feel genuine love.


Seven Days said:
About five months ago I literally got on my hands and knees and pleaded for someone who would love me as I would her. And if there is infact a god, I am certain I heard him say to me that I would meet my sweet within my first 3 months at college. However I am understandably skeptical and scared that it could just be another trick my lonely mind is playing on me. I am 100%, however, that if there is a god, he spoke to me. So the anticipation and nervousness is eating me alive.

I can't comment on whether that was actually a message from God (assuming he exists), but there will be massive opportunities for you to find your special girl once you're at college.


Seven Days said:
I've NEVER heard the words,"I love you." meaningfully.

But you will hear those words from a sweet girl one day. I promise you.


Seven Days said:
Is there any hope for love for a guy like me?

Yes, plenty of hope, my friend!


Seven Days said:
And even now as I write this I'm freezing cold, my arms are shaking, and I can FEEL my heart breaking again and again. VERY long story short, I've come to realize that there's only one way a girl could accept me for the emotional wreck I am. What girl wouldn't get creeped out when I cry buckets during our first HUG?!

It does sound like you're a little bit too emotional to enter into a relationship at the moment. Most girls would find it a little unusual for a guy to start crying after a hug. So I think the first thing you need to do is build up your confidence and self-esteem. There's absolutely no reason for you to live in the black pit of hopelessness you're currently in.


Seven Days said:
What girl would appreciate my endless devotion, my copious DOWNPOUR of affection?!

There are loads of girls out there who are fed up with men treating them like honeysuckle, and are looking for genuine honest faithful affection such as you can offer. You just need to get your emotions under control, and then you'll be ready.

Of course, the search for a loving companion is not always easy :( But there are so many ways in which to find someone special, and different approaches work for different people. When I was at university, I met my first girlfriend at a ballroom dancing society that I went to. I would highly recommend going along to things like that. Activities where it's natural and normal to meet girls in a relaxed and unpressured environment and spend time with them. Where there are obvious topics with which to start a conversation. I personally wouldn't recommend trying to chat up random girls in bars or clubs! (Although that works for some people, just not for me!)

So, to summarise! There's hope for you. You have so much to offer a girl. You're not going to spend your entire life single. Use that knowledge to build up your confidence and self-esteem. Work hard to get your emotions under control. And then go out there and find your girlfriend! :D
 
I literally just spent almost 45 minutes writing a response to the above post and my iPod battery died about 10 seconds before I would've hit post. I don't even remember what all I said now. FML.

Edit: Wow I just did it again and it crashed on me as I was finishing, SCREW IT.
 
:(:(:(

If your iPod has a habit of crashing while you're writing, I recommend clicking the "Save as Draft" button every 5 minutes while you're writing. That way, you'll only lose 5 minutes worth of stuff if it crashes. You can then continue writing by going to your User Control Panel > Saved Drafts > Edit Draft.

I really want to hear your reply :( Please don't let a little thing like unreliable technology stop you from posting here!
 
Seven Days said:
Okay I'm posting this from my iTouch and it keeps crashing so I'm going to try to keep this briefer than I would have ordinarily. So I guess I'll just start.

And yes, unfortunately every god-forsaken word of this is true.

-I am 18, male
-I wouldn't call myself either good or bad looking, I'm an average Joe.
-I go off to college one week from today.
-I have never kissed a girl
-I have never hugged a girl
-I have never dated a girl
-I have never asked a girl out
-I have never been in any situation whereby any of the above could possibly occur.

Now for the serious stuff, I've been told that this is 'the saddest thing I've ever read' to many of the people I've shared it with so buckle in.

From a young age, I never really fit in with people. I don't know what it was but for some reason people never wanted me around. I kinda evolved around this situation and became a very quiet and docile person. I avoided approaching people, and averted my eyes when eye contact occurred. I avoided sports and outdoor activity, where my social ineptitude seems to flare in the sunlight, and instead stuck to a tight-knit group of very few friends, and became a video gamer. I grew up this way, age 1 to 10, always thinking of myself as inferior to everyone else on the planet, and never questioning how wrong that the notion was. I saw myself as some sort of 'mistake'. My mom calls me a miracle child, because she had me when my parents were 'protected'. I always thought that I was the child that wasn't wanted. I grew up an air force child, (one of two, I have a "perfect" younger sister) moving every 2 years until 4th grade, and my father was never home. Which was good, because he abused my mother and hated me, although credit to him he never struck me.
Anyway, on comes middle school, and I become the target for all the bullies. I don't know why they chose ME to pick on, maybe it was because I didn't fight back, and they always got away with it. The way I see it, had I raised hell I wouldve just lost the fights anyways. But anyway they called me ''geek'', and "freak", and "loser", and I just sat there with my head down and took it all, because they never once called me a name that I didn't think I actually was. But anyway, I couldn't make friends anymore because I was "that guy". The loser, the freak. Nobody wanted to be with me because then they were freaks and losers for hanging out with me. So I was alone, save for a constant, yet shifting, group of myself and 2 friends.
Like all middle school boys I started to notice girls in a different way, I wanted to kiss one, I wanted to be with one. I looked around and there were couples everywhere, and by the end of middle school, I didn't know a single person out of my group of friends that had never kissed a girl, much less dated one. But as the ''loser'' no girl would come near me, and I couldn't blame them. So day after day I would take my cafeteria tray and sit alone in the corner, and watch all the happy people go about their happy lives. There'd be couples kissing, and flirting, and holding hands... I had to sit alone and WATCH IT.
Time progressed into 9th grade, highschool, my parents got divorced, and I started living with my mom. I've never received real love from anyone. My family always just gives me a hollow 'love ya' or a millisecond courtesy hug before bed. No love involved.
My mom starts dating and bringing home guys, all of which I think are cool fellas and I'm fine with 'em. My dad starts pretending to care about me so I'll come visit more, because my perfect little sister whom he adores couldn't go by herself, and I had to drive her arrogant, gratitude-free ass everywhere she needed to go.
But anyway, now high school has begun, and I no longer care about girls for hormonal reasons... I want a relationship, I want to LOVE. The bullying had stopped now but everyone still knew who I was. Try getting a girlfriend while under the understanding that if someone says 'freak' people know they're talking about you. About now is where my life started to go downhill. (and you thought that was the bad part) I began to get seriously lonely. Everywhere I went, everything I did, I did alone. I started to have dreams.. I'd see a smiling girl looking at me, and she's say," I love you." and I'd rush in and embrace her, and I'd hold her for untold amounts of time while tears rained down my face.

And then I would wake up, clutching a cold, wet pillow like it was my last tether to life, and I'd realize, it was a dream. There was no girl... There WAS no hug... There WAS.NO.LOVE. And I'd just break. I wouldn't fall back asleep, I'd stay awake crying until the stars quit twirling in the sky, and the slavedriving sun forced me to live another day. All I wanted was someone to love, and someone to love me.
About mid-junior year was when my pain finally peaked, the incident that sparked my psychosomatic illness. I was sitting in math class, and one if my two friends, who is to say the least, a VERY unnatrractive guy (he's got a big hairy mole on his face, he's 6'2, 150lbs, and his teeth are rotting out) turns around and says ,"guess what?" I look up sarcastically, expecting a trademark joke of some kind. "Emily bookout asked me to go to prom with her."
...
I said,"Wow!congrats man!" like a good friend and then started to break down right there in class. I just couldn't stop thinking,"If HE'S good enough, WHAT THE HELL AM I!?" "I am literally the dog crap on societies' boot.."
*drip*
A tear hits my desk, and a cry I fail to stifle escapes into the room. The silent room... Where the lesson is in progress. And I don't notice it happened. I keep crying for almost 30 seconds, I'm hiding my face behind my hands and tear after tear hits my desk. Then I hear,"*my name*, do you need to go to the restroom?" and I look up.. and EVERYONE is staring right at me. Without a word I get out of my desk and start running, I run all the way to the parking lot, and get in my car, and just sit in it, bawling my eyes out,
And then I get cold.
I start shaking.
My chest pulsates with sharp pain every time my heart beats. And it hurts, dear GOD it hurts so bad.

Ever since that moment, whenever I think of romance, or dream of love, I shake, I grow cold, and my heart feels like it's pumping broken glass. And I looked it up, it turns out that when the human mind is exposed to more trauma than it can express, literally, when it OVERLOADS with pain, it projects the pain physically.. so it doesn't cause BRAIN DAMAGE.

That's a whole new kind of bad day.

I've cried myself to sleep every night of my life for the past FIVE YEARS. I've NEVER heard the words,"I love you." meaningfully. And even now as I write this I'm freezing cold, my arms are shaking, and I can FEEL my heart breaking again and again.

VERY long story short, I've come to realize that there's only one way a girl could accept me for the emotional wreck I am. What girl wouldn't get creeped out when I cry buckets during our first HUG?! What girl would appreciate my endless devotion, my copious DOWNPOUR of affection?! I've never been LOVED, I've never been ALLOWED to love!

One and only one answer:
A girl who's as lonely and depressed as me, or at least close.



So, assuming that you actually READ all of that.. I have to ask... Is there any hope for love for a guy like me? Because there's not a day in my life I don't hate waking up to, and I'd like to know if I'm chasing kites, while I'd be better off cutting the string.

It sounds as if you have an anxiety disorder and you are best to address it as early as you can with your family andthe medical profession so it doesnt turn into something more down the track,

Try and just imagine your anxiety dissolving dissapearing in your mind and practise that , you are young and can do whatever you want in life if you put your mind to it, stay away from drugs and smoking and youll end up ok
 
''-I am 18, male
-I wouldn't call myself either good or bad looking, I'm an average Joe.
-I go off to college one week from today.
-I have never kissed a girl
-I have never hugged a girl
-I have never dated a girl
-I have never asked a girl out
-I have never been in any situation whereby any of the above could possibly occur.
''
I`m ******* same, I`m ******* same.... being lonely hurts as hell. i have tried a suicide. i want to left homes, city, even country. i`m damned.
uhh, yes, i have 16 not 18. ohh, you have never asked girls out - i have done it some 10 times.
dunno dunno dunno!
 
****. i tried suicide for more stupid reasons then you have. fairly - if i would be you, i would just shot my head offff. (okay, i don`t know how you look - fairly, it`s most important thing to get friends, whatever how smart u are, ugly kidz always have been outsiders.)

sorry. if you would live in my city or at least country - i could go out with you, if you have soo crappy mood.. good luck!
 

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