Carlito said:
I've accepted that I will never be loved. I'm just too inferior to the average person for anybody to love me. I am ugly, socially retarded, talentless and poor. I have no redeeming features.
It's killing me. I want to just die. If I could, I would've killed myself by now, I wouldn't even have come asking for advice now. However, I can't kill myself, not yet. My parents are still alive and it would crush them if I died. I've already put them through a lot, being such a failure and disappointment when they worked so hard to make me the best I can be, I just can't do that to them. So, I've decided that I'm not going to kill myself until they pass away, which is a long time from now. However, the pain of my loneliness and inferiority make every day a living hell for me. Does anybody know of a way to numb it? To get rid of it so that I can live out my time in peace?
Please don't kill yourself. I have attempted it and survived and have lived in pain for many years until I found the right attitude to handle the negatives in my life. Now I'm so glad that I survived.
It took years of effort to change my perspective but it was worth it. I have learned how to see the glass half full instead of half empty and you can do it too. Life seems worth living if you can truly appreciate all that is going right in your world. The fact that the air we breath is fresh, that the food we eat is delicious, that the bed we sleep in is clean, and that we are healthy are reason to smile everyday.
Just from your post I can see that you have several good traits: 1) you spell well, 2) write clearly, 3) are compassionate because you care about your parent's feelings, 4) are logical, because you are looking for a way to manage, 5) are educated, because your grammar is excellent, and 6) have high standards, because you are rating yourself so low.
The book "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" by Susan Jeffers was a fantastic motivator. It is filled with exercises and practicial advise on how to live happily no matter what life throws at you.
Try reading
www.greatday.com everyday for an uplifting affirmation that will help you cope. Here's one that may take away some hopelessness:
"Even if you have nothing else, you have something more precious than the purest gold, more rare, and desirable than the brightest diamond. You have life.
You can sense, you can think and you can reason. You can make decisions and then act on them.
You can make a difference, no matter what. Even if you were to lose everything else, you would still retain the ability to become the person you decide to become and to live in the way you have determined to live.
At times it may seem that the whole world is agasint you. But that assessment is based on past history, and the past does not equal the future.
That's becasue you stand solidly in the present. You're able to break free of whatever has happened in the past and to create your future in the way you desire.
Today, in this moment, in this place, you have life, and the countless possibilities it brings. Truly appreciate what you have, and with it you can do spectacular things."
***************************
Here are some people who were able to take their seemingly hopeless situations and make them into something beautiful:
Susan Boyle, a homely, older lady, became wildly famous on Britains Got Talent, for her fantastic voice. She had 103 million views on YouTube and now has record deals.
Danny Devito is short and ugly. Yet he acheived fame and is rich and has an attractive wife.
Steven Hawking leads an extraordinary life and has a loving wife and he is a quadriplegic who cannot talk, is forever in a wheelchair, and is ugly. He had all the reasons in the world to kill himself yet his strong positive outlook keeps him going. Last year he won the Presidential Medal of Honor, the highest civilian honor in the US.
Christopher Reeves, once a handsome leading man, lost it all in an accident, leaving him a quadriplegic with no movie career. His wife stood by him. He found a will to live by dedicating the rest of his life to raising funds for spinal injury research.
View attachment 9
********
I hope this helps you. Please feel free to write me if you want support. I completely understand your feelings.
Sincerely, with a hug...