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Targeting friends, and approachable personality
11-04-2010, 04:11 AM
Post: #1
Targeting friends, and approachable personality
Hey, I have two questions. They do not fit together, but the first one can be answered matter of factly, and so I thought to stuff some more material into the thread.

1) I'm sort of confused on making friends. I seem to be concluding that I don't have that big of a problem with self-confidence, or social skills, or anything. So I think my problem is more simple.
I have always been trying to build an attractive personality and generally be well accepted by everyone. But it seems that there is just no way to actively be with everybody at once. So my question is, for the traditional way of "getting a social life", are you supposed to do as I thought, and be approachable and approaching to everyone, OR are you supposed to designate target friends, then make friends with them, then branch out to other friends and their friends, and etc.
Are you supposed to make specific friends and branch out, or are you supposed to try to make friends with everyone around equally?

2) No matter what, I will be working on being an approachable person who is nice to be around. I do know how to put on a smile and a glimpse in the eye, but I wonder if I can take this further. Do you guys know if its possible to take this to the extremes? To not just smile, but really be someone with a pleasant and magnetic personality? And where/how would you learn such a feat?
(And I do mean to have a nice aura, we're not talking social skills in general here)


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11-04-2010, 04:33 AM
Post: #2
RE: Targeting friends, and approachable personality
I don't really know what kind of answer you're looking for here, and though I could have an opinion on the matter, I tend to be a very brutally honest person. So, I'll leave some of this open so that you can tell me if you'd REALLY like to know my opinion. I don't intend to be mean, but I just don't have a filter for some reason...

But, the second part of your first question, it really depends on the person on the style of friendships they have. You can either have a lot of friends that you don't really know that well, or you can have a few friends that are really close. It really depends on you, and what you want. If you're more interested in people as themselves, I suggest quality over quantity. But, if you're a quantity kind of person, that's what you'll end up having. I suggest having many acquaintances, and a few really close friends. Best of both worlds...

And then there's what I REALLY think... But I hope that kinda helped. :\
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11-04-2010, 05:33 AM
Post: #3
RE: Targeting friends, and approachable personality
I'm looking for the most accurate. I'm not asking what the best way to socialize is, but what the classic, or most healthy way is.

About your true opinion, are you hiding some comments about people or comments about my questions?


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11-04-2010, 06:20 AM
Post: #4
RE: Targeting friends, and approachable personality
Uh, neither really... But, maybe your... Motives?
Really, I think one doesn't "Go out and FIND friends." I don't think it's a good idea to try to encourage other people to like you. I don't think it's really necessary that you TRY to be someone that other people will like. A true friend will like you for who you really are, deep down inside. A true friend is found by chance, not searched for. A true friend will be that person that you spot at a distance, and something inside you screams "I wanna get to know THAT person!"
Sometimes, trying too hard is what keeps you from making friends. People will be able to see that you are trying, and they're turned away from it. I've known many lonely people that were DESPERATE for friends, and particularly girlfriends. And as a loner myself, I was turned away from them. I found them annoying, fake, and overbearing.
Now this doesn't mean that your efforts are completely worthless. This is the way I've seen things work from both directions, trying, and not trying. And it doesn't mean that odd things can happen, and work out in your favor.
But I suggest. Be real. Be honest. Be true to yourself.
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11-04-2010, 06:54 AM (This post was last modified: 11-04-2010 06:56 AM by Pheenix.)
Post: #5
RE: Targeting friends, and approachable personality
Well, I can't just be myself. Otherwise, I wouldn't have this problem to begin with. And as such, I can't wait for the "magical spark" either. I am more pro-actively inclined, you could say.
Having a more friendly personality is not cheating or betraying myself. It's an improvement, not a change of direction. I am not less myself for becoming an outgoing person. Of course, I won't be listening to new music or wearing new clothes to do this. I am strictly speaking manners and attitude.

Wanting people to like me is not forceful, it's the exact opposite. Making myself more desirable is exactly the proper the way to attract people. If I tried to grab people by the wrist and yell "look at me!" that's the wrong way to do things. What I am doing now is leaving the freedom completely to them. No invasion involved. And as such, I wouldn't consider my motives as unclean.

My motive is to become a person who is nice to be around. My goal is to increase MY powers of pleasing OTHERS. Friends will be the symptom, not the effect. Is it wrong then? Is it a self-centered motive? Perhaps, perhaps not. I suppose it caters to the self and others at the same time. I see no harm.

In terms of looking as a try-hard, yes, it will probably happen in the beginning. I need to feel inside that I have done my best, then I will stop caring. I know I can stop caring, because I didn't care in the beginning. If nothing happens once I turn my mind else-where, I suppose I will just have to dig deeper and see what has gone wrong.
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07-10-2011, 04:36 AM
Post: #6
RE: Targeting friends, and approachable personality
I think that, when it comes to making friends, you should just be yourself. You can't make yourself agreeable to everyone, simply because different people value different traits in others. My cousin has a friend and the things she finds hard to accept in this friend are the same things which I really like about her. I can understand where you are coming from though, because when I go on dates (as opposed to making new friends) I always start wondering how to be. It feels like the real me is no longer good enough.
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07-10-2011, 04:46 AM
Post: #7
RE: Targeting friends, and approachable personality
My quote generally expresses the sentiment. Mind you, you can never get /everyone/ to like you - the best you can do is to make everyone feel at ease, if possible, generally avoid argument and debate and subtly validate those about you.

However, you should definitely have some sort of closer people who you should express your more heartfelt feelings, and with whom you can expect to cooperate with more.

i.e., I try to be friendly at everyone, including people I disagree with significantly - where I live has both individuals that strongly identify themselves as liberals as well as others who identify themselves as conservatives, for example. I will simply express to liberals on how I feel that equality as a notion is a wonderful concept, and that the environment needs looking after and make generally agreeable noises without actually compromising myself to agree on things which I don't; I'm closer to conservatives, and can more expressly agree on the importance of gun rights and traditional values.

It works well. Few people hate me and I'm 'friendly' with almost everyone, plus it has taught me a lot from learning of others.

Who I am deeply close to, though, is a group of deep Southern friends who I've gotten to know over the last few years. These are the people who I can ask to help me murder someone, and they will vouch for my alibi. With them, I assure you that I don't just express 'pleasant' opinions but also quite a bit of condemnation of the world at large. They are the ones who I am truly myself around.

"The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity...a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe."

John Walter Wayland

“When you can't cheat the game, you'd best find a means to cheat the players.”

Scott Lynch, Red Seas Under Red Skies
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07-10-2011, 04:47 AM (This post was last modified: 07-10-2011 04:49 AM by trZ.)
Post: #8
RE: Targeting friends, and approachable personality
(07-10-2011 04:36 AM)Tiina63 Wrote:  I think that, when it comes to making friends, you should just be yourself. You can't make yourself agreeable to everyone, simply because different people value different traits in others. My cousin has a friend and the things she finds hard to accept in this friend are the same things which I really like about her. I can understand where you are coming from though, because when I go on dates (as opposed to making new friends) I always start wondering how to be. It feels like the real me is no longer good enough.

I actually disagree. Obviously you should "be yourself", but your attitude outwards should be someone who people like. Someone fun and happy.

I was a very very lonely person before, I actually returned here to see my old posts and how my view on life has changed. I hope you guys aren't bothered with someone who isn't struggling (but has) in life.

To your questions about making friends and being approachable...

Being approachable is all about body language. Smile. A lot. It really doesn't matter if you think you look like an idiot when you smile, your smile is prettier than your stone face! People react positively to people who smile. I don't know you, so maybe you are smiling all the time, but I don't think you would have this problem if you smiled a lot. I'm not saying you should go around grinning like a jackass all day, but when you look people in the eyes (especially girls), you smile. When people try to be funny (but maybe aint?) you atleast give them an optimistic smile, or even laugh. See humor everywhere you can.

"Magnetic personality" you say.. Be positive and fun to be around. Yes easier said than done, but you should really try to get something like that going. People like you if you are positive, smiling and laughing a lot, and of course always having something to talk about. It makes people feel comfortable.

When you start out getting friends, I think you should try to be friends with "everyone". Don't think about if they're "your taste", as you say, you can't be with everyone at once anyways. You get a big social network, then you pick the people you really like and continue doing stuff with them. This makes going to the mall or on the town even more exciting because you are always meeting people you somehow know.

These are my experiences, and I feel as if they are somewhat universal. If you are a happy and positive individual, around others, atleast, then you will automatically make friends all around you.

EDIT: Just noticed this thread is ooooooold. Oh well, if anyone else finds this useful then I guess it doesn't hurt.
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07-10-2011, 04:49 AM
Post: #9
RE: Targeting friends, and approachable personality
Heh, this sorta old thread was from my initial phase where I wouldn't let myself find people I like. See, I'm not much of a social person by nature, so back when I made this, I just tried to "fix the problem". I Didn't actually want to hang out with anyone in particular, so I didn't think of simply finding the friends I'd want to hang with.
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07-10-2011, 04:50 AM
Post: #10
RE: Targeting friends, and approachable personality
(07-10-2011 04:47 AM)trZ Wrote:  These are my experiences, and I feel as if they are somewhat universal. If you are a happy and positive individual, around others, atleast, then you will automatically make friends all around you.

You can't please everyone, though. Someone is going to dislike you for being you, period. Are you going to stoop and bend over because you're tall, and someone dislikes you for being tall? Of course not.

"The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity...a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe."

John Walter Wayland

“When you can't cheat the game, you'd best find a means to cheat the players.”

Scott Lynch, Red Seas Under Red Skies

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