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So angry with my mom right now. How do I handle anger?
12-13-2010, 04:43 AM (This post was last modified: 12-13-2010 04:48 AM by the-alchemist.)
Post: #1
So angry with my mom right now. How do I handle anger?
How do I deal with my anger? Right now I am so fucking angry at my mom. Last night we had an argument on the phone and the thing that irks me isn't the subject of the argument, but the way she behaves when there is conflict.

Whenever I criticize her on her behaviour, all she does is say "OK", "You're right" and that kind of stuff. But she doesn't mean it, she just says it to shut me up and she does not listen to what I'm saying. And it frustrates me to no end because I can't reach out to her, she is like a fucking kid. Whenever I call her out on something she does or did, she always does that. She treats me like I'm some fucking dictator when we argue, she says "What do you want me to do?", but it's so obvious she says that kind of stuff so that I will shut up.

Then she starts to rant "I know that you hate me", "I'm an idiot, I'm a donkey. OK? Are you happy?" Even though I didn't mention any of those things, she keeps putting words in my mouth when we argue.

I just want her to listen to me. She doesn't even say "sorry" for the bad things that she does. All she wants me to do is to shut up and right now, I'm just feeling sad and angry. I keep thinking about her and her frustrating behaviour.

My brother also used to argue with her before he moved out and he got so angry that he threw and broke chairs in sheer rage. In the past I used to wonder why but now I can understand why my older brother used to do that. After the argument I just felt like breaking something, though I didn't.

Right now though, I feel so sad and angry at her and it's eating away at me. I know that if I call my mom to talk about it she won't really listen, she will just want me to shut up. Today I had an appointment with the only friend I have in this country but I cancelled because I was feeling so bad and it's all because of her. I feel right now that I want to hit my mother so bad, I hate her guts. I don't know how to manage my anger, I don't want to suppress it and let it bottle up, but I don't know how to deal with it.

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12-13-2010, 06:43 AM
Post: #2
RE: So angry with my mom right now. How do I handle anger?
The best thing you can do for your own sanity in my opinion is...accept it. You can't change your mom, you can't choose your mom, and it may be she is never going to listen to you because that is who she is and thre is nothing that YOU can do to change her. WE don't always get what we want out of relationships. Parents do not always treat their children in a fair way. SO if you can't change her, then you need to figure out a way to change your expectations. The only way I know how is to accept her for who she is and what she does to you....try and let it go. Find someone who will listen. I think you have done well to come here and at least get it out. While you shouldn't hit your mom (not that I would dare think you would) it is not good to supress your feelings. There is a saying that if you ignore the animal the beast will rage. If you ignore yyour feelings and stuff them down, it will continue to get worse until you explode.
It's ok to be angry with her. You have a reason to be. It's ok to be sad, too. Have you thought about seeing a councellor? I don't know if it's an option you may consider. It does help to talk about it. Sometimes it's good to have someone to bounce things off of.
I hope you get to feeling better. I know it's frustrating having someone in your life that blows you off. Hope this helped a little.

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12-13-2010, 09:44 AM
Post: #3
RE: So angry with my mom right now. How do I handle anger?
Hi the-alchemist -- I agree with Naleena and, as a self-proclaimed expert in the field of dealing with difficult mothers, I urge you not to internalize her crap. It's her crap and hers alone. No matter how hard you and I and others like us want so very badly to resolve this issue I just don't believe it's possible with some mothers. Sometimes I get so aggravated trying to deal with my mom's bullshit that I end up making myself even more miserable. My mother seems to be very similar to yours; she's immature and doesn't listen to me too often, and then on top of that she's a rage-aholic so she usually ends up screaming at me and also banging the phone in my ear. Then, as if I didn't get treated like garbage enough, dummy me calls her back to try explaining my feelings and she'll slam me further claiming she's a victim of "senior abuse". GMAB! LG:-(

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12-13-2010, 10:05 AM
Post: #4
RE: So angry with my mom right now. How do I handle anger?
I had a terrible mother, drunk all the time. She would slap me across the face once a day. She hated my little brother and I, often calling us "you little sons a bitches". I asked her why (I was about six when I asked her this) she felt that way about us and she said my dad made her keep having kids until she had a boy, which was a lie cause my father had an earlier family and he already had two sons! And as soon as we could leave-we did. But a good tool I learned later in life is to ask the person that your talking to to repeat what you just said. Then you know if they heard you or not. I know parents can be a handful. Hopes this helps some.

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12-15-2010, 03:43 AM
Post: #5
RE: So angry with my mom right now. How do I handle anger?
(12-13-2010 04:43 AM)the-alchemist Wrote:  How do I deal with my anger? Right now I am so fucking angry at my mom. Last night we had an argument on the phone and the thing that irks me isn't the subject of the argument, but the way she behaves when there is conflict.

Whenever I criticize her on her behaviour, all she does is say "OK", "You're right" and that kind of stuff. But she doesn't mean it, she just says it to shut me up and she does not listen to what I'm saying. And it frustrates me to no end because I can't reach out to her, she is like a fucking kid. Whenever I call her out on something she does or did, she always does that. She treats me like I'm some fucking dictator when we argue, she says "What do you want me to do?", but it's so obvious she says that kind of stuff so that I will shut up.

Then she starts to rant "I know that you hate me", "I'm an idiot, I'm a donkey. OK? Are you happy?" Even though I didn't mention any of those things, she keeps putting words in my mouth when we argue.

I just want her to listen to me. She doesn't even say "sorry" for the bad things that she does. All she wants me to do is to shut up and right now, I'm just feeling sad and angry. I keep thinking about her and her frustrating behaviour.

My brother also used to argue with her before he moved out and he got so angry that he threw and broke chairs in sheer rage. In the past I used to wonder why but now I can understand why my older brother used to do that. After the argument I just felt like breaking something, though I didn't.

Right now though, I feel so sad and angry at her and it's eating away at me. I know that if I call my mom to talk about it she won't really listen, she will just want me to shut up. Today I had an appointment with the only friend I have in this country but I cancelled because I was feeling so bad and it's all because of her. I feel right now that I want to hit my mother so bad, I hate her guts. I don't know how to manage my anger, I don't want to suppress it and let it bottle up, but I don't know how to deal with it.

It was a little scary when I read this as this is exactly the way my own mother behaves. I feel for you.

The last argument I had with her was exactly two weeks ago. It was the very day that I had returned home for the holidays as I am currently studying aboard (Heh, for high school). She got into a hissy fit as she felt really jealous of me speaking to my father first, saying that she always knew that I hated her guts and only cared about that useless father of mine etc etc.

Ofcourse, I tried to reason with her calmly but just like your mom, she seems to have issues with *conflict*. She then threw me out of the house, somewhere between 2AM and 3AM, for "being an ungrateful little bitch".

I cried for 3 hours in the park, not out of profound sadness but frustration and anger.

She doesn't admit her mistakes, never listens to anything anyone else has to say, starts a self-pity rant about her sacrifices and lays out the guilt trap. Basically, she never works the issues out which escalates matters more. As a kid, she was the same with my brother and everyone in the family. She used to threatened to burn our house down, send me to the orphanage and generally put me down for being alive.

Oh, she used to whip me with a leather belt for her own faults by twisting her words around. Ah, we all know the classic abusive mother one-liner, "IF YOU WAS NEVER BORN.... *insert a deluded self-pity statement here* "

After getting physically, emotionally and psychologically abused by her, I have become really apathetic to her. I still am now.

Most of the time, she acts as if we have the greatest mother-daughter relationship and flaunts me around like a damn accessory.
Creepy, huh?

I've learnt to not take her seriously anymore. If she wants to be treated like a child, she can freely behave like one. If she wants to be treated like an adult then she has to act like one first.

My advice for you would be to not take her words seriously. I don't know about you but I'm sick to death of trying to fix this dysfunctional relationship with my mother. I have dinner with her, sit on the same couch and in the same car but I keep a psychological distance.

When I'm angry, I either repress it (apathy; another form of anger) or draw. Mm hm, drawing helps me release all my anger.
Do something that you can get your mind lost in.... it could be gardening, reading, playing with the dog, running, singing etc whatever that CALMS you down.
Once you are calm, your head starts to clear up and you can reflect on matters a lot better.
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12-18-2010, 06:03 PM (This post was last modified: 12-18-2010 11:47 PM by misa.)
Post: #6
RE: So angry with my mom right now. How do I handle anger?
my mom seems to block out and also ignores my criticism. she did like you described for years. i think its the result of being kicked around by people for a very long time. you just start to be submissive and manipulative and use self loathing to self pity to manipulate people.

one thing that has worked for me was to say you are trying to antagonize me. you could try to act like a doctor or professional and say that is offensive and unacceptable, but then say and if you are going to talk to me that way i am going to ignore you.

but i guess your problem is getting her to listen because you want her to. i wasted what now seems like 100 years, but was more like 30 caring about what my parents thought and trying to convince them to care ... and in the end i realized
  • they don't care and i can't make them
  • caring only gives them power to hurt me
  • they weren't even worth it

they care about whatever it is that they care about. and even though i'm their kid it doesn't mean that they really care about me like I care about me. how could they?
if you show people that they hurt you it gives them power over you.
as far as convincing my parents goes, they were jackasses and didn't even deserve the time from that from me.

But on the other hand why would someone want to listen to you if you were calling her on the phone and telling her all the reasons that she sucks or why you don't like her or what she does wrong? No one would want that. But you're mother is being forced to listen to this from you and your brother who you also say becomes violent with frustration of her. If your mom was so manipulative and such a bad person would she even give you the time of day? if you had a life would you even be calling your mom to do this? maybe you really should shut up.
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