(12-13-2010, 04:43 AM)the-alchemist Wrote: How do I deal with my anger? Right now I am so fucking angry at my mom. Last night we had an argument on the phone and the thing that irks me isn't the subject of the argument, but the way she behaves when there is conflict.
Whenever I criticize her on her behaviour, all she does is say "OK", "You're right" and that kind of stuff. But she doesn't mean it, she just says it to shut me up and she does not listen to what I'm saying. And it frustrates me to no end because I can't reach out to her, she is like a fucking kid. Whenever I call her out on something she does or did, she always does that. She treats me like I'm some fucking dictator when we argue, she says "What do you want me to do?", but it's so obvious she says that kind of stuff so that I will shut up.
Then she starts to rant "I know that you hate me", "I'm an idiot, I'm a donkey. OK? Are you happy?" Even though I didn't mention any of those things, she keeps putting words in my mouth when we argue.
I just want her to listen to me. She doesn't even say "sorry" for the bad things that she does. All she wants me to do is to shut up and right now, I'm just feeling sad and angry. I keep thinking about her and her frustrating behaviour.
My brother also used to argue with her before he moved out and he got so angry that he threw and broke chairs in sheer rage. In the past I used to wonder why but now I can understand why my older brother used to do that. After the argument I just felt like breaking something, though I didn't.
Right now though, I feel so sad and angry at her and it's eating away at me. I know that if I call my mom to talk about it she won't really listen, she will just want me to shut up. Today I had an appointment with the only friend I have in this country but I cancelled because I was feeling so bad and it's all because of her. I feel right now that I want to hit my mother so bad, I hate her guts. I don't know how to manage my anger, I don't want to suppress it and let it bottle up, but I don't know how to deal with it.
It was a little scary when I read this as this is exactly the way my own mother behaves. I feel for you.
The last argument I had with her was exactly two weeks ago. It was the very day that I had returned home for the holidays as I am currently studying aboard (Heh, for high school). She got into a hissy fit as she felt really jealous of me speaking to my father first, saying that she always knew that I hated her guts and only cared about that useless father of mine etc etc.
Ofcourse, I tried to reason with her calmly but just like your mom, she seems to have issues with *conflict*. She then threw me out of the house, somewhere between 2AM and 3AM, for "being an ungrateful little bitch".
I cried for 3 hours in the park, not out of profound sadness but frustration and anger.
She doesn't admit her mistakes, never listens to anything anyone else has to say, starts a self-pity rant about her sacrifices and lays out the guilt trap. Basically, she never works the issues out which escalates matters more. As a kid, she was the same with my brother and everyone in the family. She used to threatened to burn our house down, send me to the orphanage and generally put me down for being alive.
Oh, she used to whip me with a leather belt for her own faults by twisting her words around. Ah, we all know the classic abusive mother one-liner, "IF YOU WAS NEVER BORN.... *insert a deluded self-pity statement here* "
After getting physically, emotionally and psychologically abused by her, I have become really apathetic to her. I still am now.
Most of the time, she acts as if we have the greatest mother-daughter relationship and flaunts me around like a damn accessory.
I've learnt to not take her seriously anymore. If she wants to be treated like a child, she can freely behave like one. If she wants to be treated like an adult then she has to act like one first.
My advice for you would be to not take her words seriously. I don't know about you but I'm sick to death of trying to fix this dysfunctional relationship with my mother. I have dinner with her, sit on the same couch and in the same car but I keep a psychological distance.
When I'm angry, I either repress it (apathy; another form of anger) or draw. Mm hm, drawing helps me release all my anger.
Do something that you can get your mind lost in.... it could be gardening, reading, playing with the dog, running, singing etc whatever that CALMS you down.
Once you are calm, your head starts to clear up and you can reflect on matters a lot better.