confused, hurt, lonely

I must apologise first if this ends in the wrong forum heading, but it starts in relationships...

But, I came out of a relationship last september and was positive about my future, enjoyed being about to concentrate on my University work, I went out but I am too shy to talk to girls and have too much respect for women to have one night stands.

Everything was going well, until I noticed a girl in my class who is only here for one year as part of a kind of study exchange as she is from Spain. We started meeting up and then had an 'exclusive friendship' from the second day of meeting.

It was the best six weeks of my life and I told her I was falling for her one night and the next morning, I said sorry and and that I was stupid, but she said no and that it was cute. She kept telling me she liked me and we acted like a couple in town, she told her mum about me, her friends and thought we had something developing... because she said she never told her mum about boys and other little things...

but she went back to spain for christmas for 3 weeks... she ended up seeing an old friend in which prior to coming to england they had a big fight, but he apologised, and she realised she still liked him and ended up sleeping with him... I knew things weren't right because there were no 'x's on messages as if to push me away...

she came back and we met up for coffee after a 'we need to talk message' and she told me what happened...

she said she wasn't expecting to see him or anything and it just happened but from what she said she seems confused herself about what she wants... they are not 'dating'...

she said she 'goes crazy' when she meets a nice guy and gets scared...

and now, i feel lost, lonely, confused, and have no idea what to do...

even though she slept with someone, I still feel for her...

I know its only been 6 weeks of knowing her, but I feel like I know her a lot... we have the best conversations, talking about our past experiences, our days, our uni work, what we want to do, anything and everything...

I was so happy and it feels like she has just walked right over me, ripped my heart out and now I don't know what to do...

I cry a lot, I think about her all the time, I feel lonely, hurt, angry...

I know I know, I am only 22 years old and have the rest of my life ahead of me...

but she was perfect, I would make it work with her, never hurt her, never argue with her...

I had never experienced happiness so much, not even in the 4 year relationship before her...

I am meeting her for coffee/dinner and I don't know whether to tell her the complete truth that I am in love with her and risk scaring her and losing her never to see her outside of class...

or just meet up for coffee with her and see how it goes...

I want to fight for her, I would marry her tomorrow if I could!

thats the hardest thing though, is seeing her in class because I have to see her in class twice a week...

I don't know what to think anymore... do I fight for her and risk getting hurt, or leave it...

but if I leave it, I will always compare girls to her because she is the best girl I have ever met!

sorry its so long...

OUCH !
I feeel for you.
You sound like a "nice guy" ICK!
I know, because I'm one too.
And I think that's the problem.
No, I'm not saying be a jerk.
But I think you've made her too important.

I'd go find yourself a one-nighter.
Not to "get even" with her but to BE even.

It might just change your outlook.

Remember:
Desire is the root of all suffering.

Since when having One Night Stands is an ofense to women? O_O

Hi njs88 -- I sympathize with you. The only comfort I can offer is to reiterate what you already know: you've got your whole life ahead of you. You CAN move on past the hurt you feel today. You CAN survive the pain and become stronger. And, you CAN meet a new love. IMO there's never only one "perfect" person in the world for each of us, and there's never only one person who will fulfill all our needs all of the time. Best wishes to you, LG

LGH1288 said:

Hi njs88 -- I sympathize with you. The only comfort I can offer is to reiterate what you already know: you've got your whole life ahead of you. You CAN move on past the hurt you feel today. You CAN survive the pain and become stronger. And, you CAN meet a new love. IMO there's never only one "perfect" person in the world for each of us, and there's never only one person who will fulfill all our needs all of the time. Best wishes to you, LG

Click to expand...

That "only one for you" stuff can be demoralizing tbh

Poueff said:

That "only one for you" stuff can be demoralizing tbh

Click to expand...

That "only one for you" stuff is an unrealistic, romantic fantasy. But, that doesn't mean losing a true love is any less painful. What it comes down to is how we rebound from that loss. LG

A new life said:

OUCH !
But I think you've made her too important.

Click to expand...

I think I have... But I think about her all the time, and it hurts to know that I won't experience the same things with her...

I feel sick just looking at other girls though after recently going out, because my thoughts always end up thinking about this girl...

njs88 said:

A new life said:

OUCH !
But I think you've made her too important.

Click to expand...

I think I have... But I think about her all the time, and it hurts to know that I won't experience the same things with her...

I feel sick just looking at other girls though after recently going out, because my thoughts always end up thinking about this girl...

Click to expand...

The one good thing about having had OCD is I know all about bullshit brain chemistry. When I try to tell people what an OCD obsession is like, I tell them that it's like an infatuation. You don't lose touch with reality, but what what your strong feelings are trying to tell you just seems so real.

Do you really think she's perfect?

I know your feelings are strong and real, but the don't mean anything. Nothing. It's just brain chemistry.

Romantic Rejection Stimulates Areas of Brain Involved in Motivation, Reward and Addiction
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/07/100706150611.htm

"The pain and anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings..."

Mary Mary said:

njs88 said:

A new life said:

OUCH !
But I think you've made her too important.

Click to expand...

I think I have... But I think about her all the time, and it hurts to know that I won't experience the same things with her...

I feel sick just looking at other girls though after recently going out, because my thoughts always end up thinking about this girl...

Click to expand...

The one good thing about having had OCD is I know all about bullshit brain chemistry. When I try to tell people what an OCD obsession is like, I tell them that it's like an infatuation. You don't lose touch with reality, but what what your strong feelings are trying to tell you just seems so real.

Do you really think she's perfect?

I know your feelings are strong and real, but the don't mean anything. Nothing. It's just brain chemistry.

Romantic Rejection Stimulates Areas of Brain Involved in Motivation, Reward and Addiction
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/07/100706150611.htm

"The pain and anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings..."

Click to expand...

Thanks for that, I read it...

My mate said this to me 'at the end of the day, its just chemicals in head'

which it is, and I know it is...

But I feel like I have never felt before...
every night before seeing her, it felt like christmas eve, that feeling on xmas eve when you are all excited as a kid, not knowing what to expect but eager for the day to come
and every day spent with her felt like christmas day... sharing moments, feelings, being happy as can be, complimenting each other, our days together just seemed so perfect

njs88 said:

My mate said this to me 'at the end of the day, its just chemicals in head'

which it is, and I know it is...

But I feel like I have never felt before...
every night before seeing her, it felt like christmas eve, that feeling on xmas eve when you are all excited as a kid, not knowing what to expect but eager for the day to come
and every day spent with her felt like christmas day... sharing moments, feelings, being happy as can be, complimenting each other, our days together just seemed so perfect

Click to expand...

I understand that your anguish is very real, and knowing that it's chemicals in the head won't make it completely go away. Also, I don't want to say that none of your feelings for her aren't based in reality; however, she's not perfect. Also, all these intense feelings has nothing to do with whether she's a good person or not; and six weeks is not even close to being enough time to get a sense of her true character.

However, telling yourself over and over that "these feelings aren't real" will actually give you more will power even if it may not feel that way at first. (When I say "these feelings aren't real", like I said, I'm not saying none of your feelings about her are valid, nor am I saying that your agony isn't real. I just kept it short to make it an easy mantra to say over and over.)

Mary Mary said:

The one good thing about having had OCD is I know all about bullshit brain chemistry. When I try to tell people what an OCD obsession is like, I tell them that it's like an infatuation. You don't lose touch with reality, but what what your strong feelings are trying to tell you just seems so real.

Do you really think she's perfect?

I know your feelings are strong and real, but the don't mean anything. Nothing. It's just brain chemistry.

Romantic Rejection Stimulates Areas of Brain Involved in Motivation, Reward and Addiction
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/07/100706150611.htm

"The pain and anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings..."

Click to expand...

I might not know as much of the science as you do, but I have come across this sort of information alot on teh internetz. So then, if we're fully aware that the 'feelings' we might get are just chemical inbalances, is it possible to resist the effects of crushes and infatuations, or possibly become immune to them altogether?

Might be something for the OP to think about to avoid this from happening again.

To be honest, I think she likes me a lot from things we did and were said... and now she is scared of getting hurt when she goes back to Spain in 6/7 months, trying to detach herself from me in...

She told me not to fight for her...

Is that because she doesn't care?
or
Because she don't want to 'fall for me', scared of getting hurt?

I am meeting her for dinner this week and debating whether to buy flowers... lol...

Last time I did that, she gave me the biggest smile, hug and kiss...

But I want to buy her flowers to be the 'nice guy', be the romantic and show her what she will miss???

I am too loyal, too respectful, and always end up getting hurt...

Code S.O.L said:

Mary Mary said:

The one good thing about having had OCD is I know all about bullshit brain chemistry. When I try to tell people what an OCD obsession is like, I tell them that it's like an infatuation. You don't lose touch with reality, but what what your strong feelings are trying to tell you just seems so real.

Do you really think she's perfect?

I know your feelings are strong and real, but the don't mean anything. Nothing. It's just brain chemistry.

Romantic Rejection Stimulates Areas of Brain Involved in Motivation, Reward and Addiction
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/07/100706150611.htm

"The pain and anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings..."

Click to expand...

I might not know as much of the science as you do, but I have come across this sort of information alot on teh internetz. So then, if we're fully aware that the 'feelings' we might get are just chemical inbalances, is it possible to resist the effects of crushes and infatuations, or possibly become immune to them altogether?

Might be something for the OP to think about to avoid this from happening again.

Click to expand...

I'm subclinical OCD, but I'm basically cured. However, OCD is an abnormal condition where infatuation is not, so I'm not sure if you can become immune or would even want to.

---

njs88 said:

To be honest, I think she likes me a lot from things we did and were said... and now she is scared of getting hurt when she goes back to Spain in 6/7 months, trying to detach herself from me in...

She told me not to fight for her...

Is that because she doesn't care?
or
Because she don't want to 'fall for me', scared of getting hurt?

I am meeting her for dinner this week and debating whether to buy flowers... lol...

Last time I did that, she gave me the biggest smile, hug and kiss...

But I want to buy her flowers to be the 'nice guy', be the romantic and show her what she will miss???

I am too loyal, too respectful, and always end up getting hurt...

Click to expand...

She doesn't care. If a woman really likes you, you won't have any question about it. The only time a woman who likes you might give you mixed signals is before you start to date and she's feeling shy.

Woman will give you mixed signals when they're beyond the shy stage because either they don't want to hurt your feelings or you're the 'just in case the other guy doesn't work out' guy.

That being said, just ask her if she wants to be a couple with you, but no nice guy stuff. No flowers or anything like that. Even if you feel very desperate inside, ask her in a way that seems somewhat indifferent. Also, go to a website on dating woman and ask those guys what how they think you should approach it.

Hi njs88 -- Be yourself, buy a small bunch of flowers. IMO it's unwise to forsake your core personality for phoney, calculated plotting. LG

I'm unclear about one thing.
Was she only to be in your country for a short time?

If so, why set yourself up for all this heartache?

A new life said:

I'm unclear about one thing.
Was she only to be in your country for a short time?

If so, why set yourself up for all this heartache?

Click to expand...

yes... just for the academic year...

We spoke about it, more than friends but a less than relationship... but I fell to easily for her...

I wish I didn't meet her some times to save my self from all this...

LGH1288 said:

Hi njs88 -- Be yourself, buy a small bunch of flowers. IMO it's unwise to forsake your core personality for phoney, calculated plotting. LG

Click to expand...

Don't buy flowers. This website is all about understanding that, right or wrong, there are realities about social interaction that we need to understand. It's not about being calculating. It's about accepting reality.

---

njs88 said:

A new life said:

I'm unclear about one thing.
Was she only to be in your country for a short time?

If so, why set yourself up for all this heartache?

Click to expand...

yes... just for the academic year...

We spoke about it, more than friends but a less than relationship... but I fell to easily for her...

I wish I didn't meet her some times to save my self from all this...

Click to expand...

It gets better when you get older. I fell hard for an alpha male type this year (who, of course, pretended to have enlightened beta male qualities). I won't lie and say that it didn't hurt like hell, but it's not as bad as when I was younger, either.

njs88 said:

I must apologise first if this ends in the wrong forum heading, but it starts in relationships...

But, I came out of a relationship last september and was positive about my future, enjoyed being about to concentrate on my University work, I went out but I am too shy to talk to girls and have too much respect for women to have one night stands.

Everything was going well, until I noticed a girl in my class who is only here for one year as part of a kind of study exchange as she is from Spain. We started meeting up and then had an 'exclusive friendship' from the second day of meeting.

It was the best six weeks of my life and I told her I was falling for her one night and the next morning, I said sorry and and that I was stupid, but she said no and that it was cute. She kept telling me she liked me and we acted like a couple in town, she told her mum about me, her friends and thought we had something developing... because she said she never told her mum about boys and other little things...

but she went back to spain for christmas for 3 weeks... she ended up seeing an old friend in which prior to coming to england they had a big fight, but he apologised, and she realised she still liked him and ended up sleeping with him... I knew things weren't right because there were no 'x's on messages as if to push me away...

she came back and we met up for coffee after a 'we need to talk message' and she told me what happened...

she said she wasn't expecting to see him or anything and it just happened but from what she said she seems confused herself about what she wants... they are not 'dating'...

she said she 'goes crazy' when she meets a nice guy and gets scared...

and now, i feel lost, lonely, confused, and have no idea what to do...

even though she slept with someone, I still feel for her...

I know its only been 6 weeks of knowing her, but I feel like I know her a lot... we have the best conversations, talking about our past experiences, our days, our uni work, what we want to do, anything and everything...

I was so happy and it feels like she has just walked right over me, ripped my heart out and now I don't know what to do...

I cry a lot, I think about her all the time, I feel lonely, hurt, angry...

I know I know, I am only 22 years old and have the rest of my life ahead of me...

but she was perfect, I would make it work with her, never hurt her, never argue with her...

I had never experienced happiness so much, not even in the 4 year relationship before her...

I am meeting her for coffee/dinner and I don't know whether to tell her the complete truth that I am in love with her and risk scaring her and losing her never to see her outside of class...

or just meet up for coffee with her and see how it goes...

I want to fight for her, I would marry her tomorrow if I could!

thats the hardest thing though, is seeing her in class because I have to see her in class twice a week...

I don't know what to think anymore... do I fight for her and risk getting hurt, or leave it...

but if I leave it, I will always compare girls to her because she is the best girl I have ever met!

sorry its so long...

Click to expand...

The bolded part is rather silly. Girls in bars are LOOKING for one night stands. (albeit only with hot muscular alphas, but they still WANT one night stands)

I also can relate to the way you feel about knowing someone for a short time but being infatuated. This girl who found me online wanted to interview me about my social commentary, and she was one the cutest, most adorable girls I have met in my life.

She was the giggly innocent type, squeaky voice, petite in addition to having a WICKED body which was in stark contrast to her persona. She sent my emotionsTOTALLY out of whack.

She brought this annoying guy friend with her who was extremely overprotective in addition to trying to ram his textbook liberal agenda down my throat, so I couldn't really make a move.

I felt much sadder after I said goodbye than a guy who always preaches about being Stoic and tough and emotionally detached should be. I sometimes think about her when I'm under the bench press and I plan to chill with her again once my looks have been kicked up a couple notches, and I hope that she may consider becoming a playmate of mine.

Mary Mary said:

LGH1288 said:

Hi njs88 -- Be yourself, buy a small bunch of flowers. IMO it's unwise to forsake your core personality for phoney, calculated plotting. LG

Click to expand...

Don't buy flowers. This website is all about understanding that, right or wrong, there are realities about social interaction that we need to understand. It's not about being calculating. It's about accepting reality.

Click to expand...

njs88 -- Be sure to purchase and present your date with the proper type of flower(s). You can read about floriography here. BTW the purpose of this website was previously explained by its creator in another area on ALL; promoting the abandonment of generally accepted social etiquette was not one of those purposes outlined. Be authentic & real, LG

LGH1288 said:

Mary Mary said:

LGH1288 said:

Hi njs88 -- Be yourself, buy a small bunch of flowers. IMO it's unwise to forsake your core personality for phoney, calculated plotting. LG

Click to expand...

Don't buy flowers. This website is all about understanding that, right or wrong, there are realities about social interaction that we need to understand. It's not about being calculating. It's about accepting reality.

Click to expand...

njs88 -- Be sure to purchase and present your date with the proper type of flower(s). You can read about floriography here. BTW the purpose of this website was previously explained by its creator in another area on ALL; promoting the abandonment of generally accepted social etiquette was not one of those purposes outlined. Be authentic & real, LG

Click to expand...

I'm glad you made your purpose clear. You're goal is to trumpet female defined etiquette. I'm telling him what I've learned will make him more attractive to women.

It's not my advice. It's the advice of men--who are successful with women. I joined the military when I was 17 years old. After the military, I went to engineering school and now work at a power plant. I've spent my adult life submerged in the world of men. I've spent many hours on message boards by men for men. Instead of getting sensitive when they spoke, I listened. Didn't understand what they said at first, and it took a lot of work as they are not the most articulate bunch when they talk about their feelings; but I finally started to understand. They were right about a lot of what they said.

Don't you think it odd that despite having this guy who's obviously very sweet and caring, she ended up sleeping with a guy that she got into a fight with? And now she's being all weird and washy?

Do you know why?

The OP should do whatever he thinks is right for him, but he asked our advice. Don't buy her flowers. She hasn't earned them.