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This loneliness is killing me
01-30-2011, 03:42 AM (This post was last modified: 01-30-2011 03:47 AM by the-alchemist.)
Post: #1
This loneliness is killing me
Right now I'm sitting here in front of my computer being completely lonely. And I really mean it. I know people and I talk to them sometimes, but it fucking kills me when I see that I have all these names on my phone list but I can't call them for various reasons. Either they do not want to be disturbed or I'm too much of a coward to call them. Even if I did, this fucking cold outside prevents me from going out to do anything other than necessary stuff, like shopping or working.

Man, right now I'm so desperate. I would do anything just to be with someone that I WANT TO BE WITH for once. I don't want to have to settle for a self-centered friend, I don't want to have to settle for my parents. Why can't I be with someone that I WANT TO BE WITH? Never in my fucking miserable life has my needs or preferences been addressed, never has my ideas been valued. I always had to go where my brother forced me to go, always had to be with people that my mother wanted me to be with. I never had my own fucking life until some semblance of it was achieved in 2010.

I have started to intensely dislike my parents because they are the only ones that ever call me. And whenever they call me, it reminds me of the fucking lack of social life that I have. I have stopped returning their calls, I text them to leave me alone. Because ironically, any interaction with them just makes me feel more lonely. Seriously, I'm just so fed up with my parents.

I only have a 1 real friend that I sometimes spend my free time with. But he is so self-centered. All he does is talk about himself, trying to get me to inflate his ego. I'm fed up with him.

Fuck, what I wouldn't do to be with people right now. Earlier today, I texted a girl I knew from university. We saw eachother earlier this week and had fun. I was going to contact her and see if we could see eachother again but I got delayed for a few days and only today did I do it. I haven't gotten a response yet, maybe her interest cooled off. Inadvertedly I had followed the 3-day rule it seems. Take it from me, it's apparently a myth. Still, her lack of response has gotten me down too. It leaves me speculating why she does not respond. Fuck if I know. I shouldn't give a fuck since I'm leaving soon anyway. But I find myself giving a fuck regardless

But anyway, I'm so fucking miserable right now. My social life is sporadic. The things that people take for granted, seeing their friends everyday, having people they can talk to, these are things that come rarely for me. I sporadically get a few glimpses of the good life and then I go back to starving. Because that's what's happening to me, I'm mentally starving. Just sitting here alone, the sun has already gone down so it is like midnight, which doesn't help matters at all, when it gets dark so quickly here in Scandinavia.

Still, I'm moving abroad soon. Get away from this shit. I'm not gonna be stuck in some fucking gray zone where I know people and have friend but it's not the people you want to be with. But has these moments happened to you? Where you're lonely and you're just starving for company? You're bored and lonely and you want to be with someone?

There is light at the end of the tunnel. But not everybody reaches it
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01-30-2011, 06:26 AM
Post: #2
RE: This loneliness is killing me
I am very sorry for your frustration. I know it hurts and it's a very uncomfortable place to be. Do you want a suggestion or just to vent?

I have a thought. You sound angry. That is not meant as a criticism but I think it would do you well to try to let go of the answer and be more peaceful. I think that would attract more friends. People get uncomfortable with intensity. Try to be OK with how things are now, do what you can to feel at peace, while at the same time working towards a better social life.
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01-30-2011, 07:20 AM (This post was last modified: 01-30-2011 09:46 AM by the-alchemist.)
Post: #3
RE: This loneliness is killing me
What do you mean?

There is light at the end of the tunnel. But not everybody reaches it
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01-31-2011, 12:53 AM
Post: #4
RE: This loneliness is killing me
I kind of feel the same sometimes. I mean I have a group of friends that I hang out with. But I don't exactly feel apart of them. They're too different from me. I have a good time going out with them and stuff but thats all I really do with them. There's so many times when I am at home by myself and I wish I could just be with some friends. But I don't really have anyone to just hang with you know. I got a couple of mates that I can do this with but our jobs and free time are really different and its difficult. Im always looking at facebook seeing everyone doing shit with another 5-10+ of their mates or just chilling back with em. I've hated the fact that I could never find a close group of friends like this. And I've been trying for so long to.

I've been thinking about moving away from my country too. I really don't think I've got much to lose. I doubt I'd miss anyone back at home. I've never really missed anyone in my life here except for times where I'd be into a girl.
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01-31-2011, 09:27 AM (This post was last modified: 01-31-2011 03:17 PM by Ian Haines.)
Post: #5
RE: This loneliness is killing me
Hello...

I can honestly say that that is one of the finest posts I've ever read, about the deadly core of undeserved loneliness.

Whenever you may hold the answer to a problem being experienced by somebody else, they can't get enough of you, but, dare to have a problem yourself, such as simple loneliness, and everybody you know is away, somewhere, busily building you a social ghost-town! I've lived it for decades and I heartily empathise, and, if you'll permit me, sympathise, with you in your situation.

I have well over 140 numbers stored on my cordless house 'phone, but there are far too many times in my ordinary day when I feel as if I'd be making a mistake to call them: either they're asleep, at work, at play, out with friends or I've sensed that they simply don't want my 'phone or personal company and my pride prevents me from ringing them. It's at times like this, also, when I find myself frequently hearing their 'phones ringing at the other end and imagining that they are just sitting there, desperately hoping that the noise will stop without them having to answer and that I'll stop trying their number.

Two of those people stored on my 'phone are perfect examples of what I mean: one has known me for 35 years and has NEVER EVEN ONCE phoned to ask me how I'm doing, even when I know that they know I've had breakdowns or been injured in some way, and the other has known me for 26 years and not only has never 'phoned me to ask me how I am, but has never even asked me how I am when I call them!

Ring any bells of familiarity, anybody?

Those are some of the classic sentiments for lonely people to feel...with the dread of being actively unwanted by some folk. And, eventually, such injustice and the neglect of others whom we know - MAKES US ANGRY!

Our anger is completely justified and their lack of sensitivity toward (and contempt for) us is/are not!

We're almost all good people, here in Lonely Land, and we deserve better! When we don't find better coming along, the only parts of us that develop changes are - the LONELINESS that intensifies, and the ANGER, which makes our loneliness worse, because we must bottle it up and not repel those who eventually DO come along!

These are strange and dark days! Sad

Ian.
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01-31-2011, 06:50 PM
Post: #6
RE: This loneliness is killing me
Sometimes I think I need to extend my hand out to someone who could be going through what folks like us go through. You ever see someone randomly (maybe at a grocery store) that you can just FEEL could use a friend? Maybe they aren't the most attractive. Maybe their voice isn't as pleasant to the ears as many you've heard before. Maybe they don't speak as clearly. Maybe they have some strange condition. You sense that they could use a friendship. Being wrong about that wouldn't be so bad, but not giving it a shot is what trips me out about myself and others. There are people out here who could use us and those very same people we could use for friendship. I think we're all just overlooking each other, thinking we need to change who we are for the sake of making companions of folks who'd leave us to feel as we do now if we fail to make that change.

I don't even know if that made sense. 2:50AM here...
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02-02-2011, 07:29 AM
Post: #7
RE: This loneliness is killing me
Anger only work's for so long, than you become Bitter man... And thats no place to be..
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02-02-2011, 12:13 PM (This post was last modified: 02-02-2011 12:17 PM by dean81.)
Post: #8
RE: This loneliness is killing me
just come to this site ure no lonely anymore http://adf.ly/QpUn
where a dark cloud to ure life believe there shunshine after it......so dont be feel lonely anymore.....after nught there a beautiful morning come to ure life .............
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02-03-2011, 06:11 AM
Post: #9
RE: This loneliness is killing me
Sound like ur on the right path to me...when u get sick N tired of being sick N tired of all the shit...
when you dont need peoples permissions or approvals to live think or feel...especailly fucken family members or parents.

Well when you want something bad enough..ur going to have to for it...
You need N want a GF...fuck the cold.
whatever it takes..

I do whatever the fuck it takes for me..and it hasnt been rosie, convient or easy for me...Thats right...going out of my god damn way to live for me for a change. Yeah..whatever puts the fire in ur ass...harness the energy from ur anger and turn it into something possitive in ur life. ITS OK to FEEL ANGERY...its what u do with it.
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02-03-2011, 06:43 AM
Post: #10
RE: This loneliness is killing me
Alchemist, I think you are being rather hard on yourself. Of course, I do feel same way sometimes but not to the extent of not wanting to hear from my parent; my mother. I've taken my mind off trying to make friends because my experiences with those whom I thought were friends in the past made me know better.

Try join a volunteer group or any group of people that shares similar interest as you. Here in Nigeria such groups are not common, but I think they are in the West.

Nonne amicus certus in re incerta cernitur.
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