Fear of no hope.

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

Cathedral

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 22, 2010
Messages
199
Reaction score
0
Location
Tennessee, USA
I have been getting these bad dreams every other night and having these fears. You see, during almost all of my childhood, I was stuck in a house in the middle of nowhere, with two deadbeat parents (dad left when I was 16-17). I dropped out of school in 8th grade, due to not being able to cope with that and my behavior problems. My parents put me into homeschooling program, which basically meant that as far as the state was concerned, I was "in school", when in fact, I was just left to sit at home and do nothing but play what few video games I had and watch TV and become gradually more and more insane.

Leading up to my preteens, I had an older half-sister, who dropped out of high school, apparently due to her back problems. She lived with us, had her own room, until my preteens when she practically abandoned me. I loved her so much and I hardly ever got to see her or talk to her ever since then. I felt so crushed. So broken. So betrayed. She was probably the only person I really loved at the time. My parents didn't seem to "be there for me" a lot of the time.

There was a period of when I had hatred for my dad, then love, then resentment. He would not do hardly anything for me. Mom and dad would argue over and over again over stupid honeysuckle, over accusations, day in and day out. My life was miserable. There seemed to be no end in sight.

One day, when I was around 16-17, I made a friend with one of the neighbors who was around my age. We hung out every other day, played video games, talked, watched WWE, this and that. For the first time in my ******* pathetic life, I had a friend. Someone outside of my crappy family who I knew (or thought I knew). Times were kind of... OKAY!

Several months later, dad apparently had some kind of medical emergency and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital, while I was asleep, and eventually to the nursing home where he resides to this day as far as I know. I thought that living with mom would be a disaster. But her attitude (at least with me) somewhat improved. She had problems with my friend overstaying his visit. But things got a little better now that the dragon king (dad) was out of the house for good.

Somehow, CPS was notified that I was actually not attending school, they sent some case worker over and told me and my mother that I had to be attending school or else. So, due to my age and some other things, I got put into a high school as a senior, as a special ed student. Meaning that at the end, I might have gotten a special ed diploma (you can't get into college with that, unlike a regular high school diploma or GED).

In high school, I hated it. Students were harassing me, I acted like a complete retarded idiot (I was so isolated for so long and I do have Asperger's Syndrome/High Functioning Autism/ADHD, I had no idea how to act right or something), and the four classes I had were a JOKE! I'm not going to elaborate on that right now, as it is somewhat irrelevant to this thread.

Fast-forward to around December of 2008, one day, me and my mom were using public transportation to get to the grocery store (mom's car was working fine, but she was too chickenshit incompetent to drive us), we went in, got our groceries, then we were stuck waiting for the **** van to pick us up. After waiting several minutes, I got so impatient that I lost my temper and while mom was standing in front of the grocery store, I got up and pushed her and she fell to the ground. The police were called, I was handcuffed, thrown into the back of a police car, taken to the municipal building (because the town is too small and meaningless to have its own police dept building), then to juvenile court. They determined that I was too dangerous to continue living with my mother, so I was put into state custody, and since DCS couldn't find any family member who would take me in (surprise, surprise, my shitty, lying, no-good family), I was put into foster care.

When I turned 18, I was released from state custody and foster care and had to find my own place. My foster parents helped me find an apartment to live in and DCS put me into a transitional living program (which is a JOKE!). I have been living on my own for about 2 years now and haven't really made much progress in my life, aside from getting a GED, completing a few classes at a community college and getting my SSI approved.

With all of that being said, I am going to get to the point now. I'm pathetic. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I'm antisocial because I don't know any better. I'm obese. But what really bothers me right now is my fears of still being stuck in that house out in the middle of nowhere with my incompetent mother (and eventually by myself). No opportunities, no chances, no dreams, no friends, no family, no one, no hope, nothing! Life would be a dead end for me. That house would be like a prison, like a Hell for me (probably where I belong anyways), that I would be stuck in until the day I die.

I'm so afraid that I might one day get dragged back into that Hell. (despite having no contact with any of my family currently) It scares me even more than Death itself. Oh God, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the helplessness, being stuck in the backwoods of Decatur County, Tennessee. Probably where I was destined to be in forever. It's like I'm an abomination to mankind! ARGH!
 
Oh wow, I don't know what to say. You have a sad story that sounds like it could have been so much better if someone paid better attention to you, and gave you a hug once in a while. And maybe a slap on the back of the head. You remind me somewhat of a friend of mine, his parents split up and neither paid much attention to him. His mom had a new boyfriend and baby, his dad hooked up with a woman who had a young child. He got into lots of trouble, didn't go to school half the time, and all he wanted was his parents to be parents. He would tell my mom when he skipped school or failed a test and she'd give him honeysuckle. All he wanted was for someone to care about him.

It's good you've tried to make things better for yourself, getting your GED and such. Please don't take this the wrong way because I don't mean this to be mean at all, I mean it in a friendly manor. You need some serious help. Like counseling or something, someone to give a honeysuckle about you for once.
 
Yeah, honeysuckle happens.

Hope exists for people who get out there and take what they can, when they can.

No one gives it to you. You have to take it.
 
Hi Cathedral,
Ur fears are completely understandable, u did had a hard life and u are still very young. But u have proved to be able to do some improvements like studying. Unfortunately, we dont chose our parents... but if ur fear is to get stuck in ur mom's house then work hard not to get there again. Keep on studying and get a job. Even when ur life was hard concentrate in working for a better future. U cant do anything about the past, it wasnt ur fault. Dont give up and focus on a better life for u.
Best of luck!
 
All of that put together is overwhelming. You need to break it up into chunks and deal with it one piece at a time.

*hugs*
 
Holy honeysuckle man. I read your story carefully, and it sounds like your parents are serious fuckwads. You need to use that anger that you have as motivation to change things.
 
****.

I really don't know what to say. I don't think any of us can say anything to fix any of that. All I can offer is that you aren't in that environment any more, and you need to accept that you can and will continue to exist outside of it. At the end of the day, we have ourselves, no matter what and regardless of almost anything else. All control, all change, starts and ends with us.

Good job with the GED and pursuing some college. You've done more than many. Keep pursuing it, don't give up.

Be bold.
 
Push the fuckin' envelope, man.

You are not simply the result of what your environment makes of you. DO NOT BE PASSIVE IN EXECUTING THE ACTIONS THAT CONSTITUTE THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE.

Brian gave **** good advice... be bold.
 
How am I going to cope with my mental problems. I'm depressed, I'm jaded, I'm unmotivated, I'm getting to where I just don't care anymore...
 
Cathedral said:
How am I going to cope with my mental problems. I'm depressed, I'm jaded, I'm unmotivated, I'm getting to where I just don't care anymore...

Have you tried finding an Asperger's support group in your area, or looking for one you can join online?

You say you're in Tennessee. I found this: Asperger's support group but I don't know how close it is to where you live. You could probably more easily find a support group close to your area.


You've had a rough time of it growing up, and posting for advice online is definitely a very good step toward recovery from such a hard life. Good on you. I really think getting help from someone in real life will be beneficial if you can arrange it. If not, keep on with doing what you can to reach out for help online.

I notice at the end of your initial post you state "It's like I'm an abomination to mankind! ARGH!" That is a lie. Adolf Hitler was an abomination to mankind. You are simply a fellow that had horrible parents growing up, and lacked the love and care necessary to nurture you into the full potential of who you can be. It is not too late for you to correct the bad parenting of your parents though. You are still relatively young yet. In order to help yourself out of the hopeless pit you feel you are in now, you need to separate abominable growing-conditions from abominable person. You suffered from the former, but you are not the latter.

Also, recovery is not a one-stop journey. It will take effort on your part (and hopefully the help from others) to mend the wounds from your childhood. I have no idea how long this journey of recovery and evolution into a more self-satisfied person will take. It could take you a year. It could take you 10 years. Just do not become disheartened if it takes longer than you expect.
 
Why don't try to have some chat's online? Some friendly chat to relax your mind. Try also to attend a mass in the Church, I know it's common but it will also help to lighten your way. It'll take time. Another is try to get one friend then two friends then three friends. Remember to start for a few friends but real then just maintain friendship with them then improve it then maintain until you can grow the number of your true friends. If in case, you met people who are not interested with you, remember to stay in positive. I mean be optimistic. Please take this as a positive advice because I want to help you. This would never easy BUT it would work if you'll do this slowly and meaningfully. If someone rejected you then don't blame them, they have the right to choose BUT you also have the right to choose. Choose better person who will accept you as a friend. Please also remember that CHANGE is good if it will make you BETTER. I hope this will help you think clearer. If in case, you think that this won't work try it again until it'll work for you. Just don't give up if it is for good. Always keep on the right track and pray.
 
Cathedral said:
How am I going to cope with my mental problems. I'm depressed, I'm jaded, I'm unmotivated, I'm getting to where I just don't care anymore...

You're going to deal with your problems because it's the only choice you have. Live or not. Not is not much of an option. Depression, lack of motivation, being jaded, sure. You know you're that way. Look'm in the eye and tell'm, "fresia you." It's not true you don't care. If you didn't care you would not be here and would not have written your long story. In fact, it means a hell of a lot to you. So don't lie to yourself.

The truth is that, in general, people don't care. Awe, nice people have a kind of empathy and sympathy but when it comes right down to it they do not loose sleep over your misery. You've been through CPS, you know that. Don't expect anybody to give you any answers and don't expect incredible love or compassion from strangers. There are no "answers" and love/compassion comes from personal relationships, not through some online board.

The only hope is the hope you make for yourself. Reach down in your own gut and find out what you can do, what you can't do, and who you are. Then put the good parts of yourself to work. Don't depend on anyone else to give you a lift and for pete's sake don't go off trusting some mythical deity to get you out of the honeysuckle. If you get out of the hole it will be you that does it.

Learn to see people as people. Look for the good in them. Forget your pain and see other people's pain. Learn to care about them. In doing that you'll change your attitude. A different attitude just might get you a few friends. It's a trudge up hill from there.

You're pretty lucky, dude. You have a bit of an education, some income, and apparently are hooked into a system where you can get some help. And you're young. I don't know if you can make it or not. Only you can answer that. Good luck... now get up off your ass and get busy living.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top