It’s disappointing when even your family doesn’t support you and has you labelled.

No pity needed - I’ve hosted enough pity parties to last several life times.
Long post…like zomg, I post haerrr cuz I gots nobodies to talk to k.
I r lonely fresia. Lyke rly. No lie.
(But seriously. I think this a very long post.)
Approximately 1,400 words! <3

What grinnnnds my gears (hee-hee!) is that despite the fact that I have made significant – but gradual – improvement in my self-esteem and overall life; my family has me permanently labelled as a “sad, miserable, depressed, low-self esteem person”.

Granted, they saw how horribly I was affected during my school years where I was struggling with constant bullying, harassment, racism, sexually derogatory comments (students – starting in 4th grade – were suggesting that I f*** my brother in many ways etc.) and teachers turning a blind eye. I should have fought back more, but even when I just wanted someone to listen and brought it up to my mom – her response was that she was bullied too and this is the norm for an Asian in Western society. All of my family members suggested the same as well. Every Asian I know (except Japanese…Western society loves the Japanese) has been bullied for appearance/ race.
Does it come as any surprise that this messed up my perception of myself for many years?
Nonetheless, I’ve moved on…I’m fine – not dead yet! I was bullied and I accept that it happened to me – but I’ve never stopped working towards bettering myself and my life.

What have I done since then?

At 17 – I took action and stopped blaming everyone else for my binging and weight problem. Lost the weight and improved my appearance (grooming, make up etc.) – this in turn, slightly improved my self-esteem.
Without any post-secondary education etc – I managed to find a decent, professional job.

The fact that my co-workers were respectful towards me made me feel better about myself and it was an opportunity to help me work on my people skills.

At 18 – I used my savings from my teen years and job earnings – to pitch in with someone to buy a house. (I’m going to sell this motherfucka in a few years…I won’t go into too much detail, but good god – do not let anyone convince you to help buy a house at 18 ESPECIALLY: 1) If it takes nearly both your paycheques, 2) If you have to hide in your own bedroom to not get degraded or screamed at/ cannot go downstairs etc, 3) If you end up running away from your OWN home – that you ******* pay for - on a regular basis because you can’t get along! How sad is that?! FML. FML. FML…I’m still very, very sad about this decision. Sadder thing is that I can’t sell it for several more years.)

At 19/ 20/ 21 – I’ve had some experience at higher position levels/ formed good relationships with my team leaders at my workplace; and earn a middle-range salary with full benefits. I’ve tried volunteering; meeting new people – mostly bad (Plentyoffreaks, Kijiji), but some good people (Okcupid, Meetup.com) – and I’m starting to feel more comfortable with strangers and group settings.

As of recent, I have directed more time and effort into working on my interests in the Art field.

Ok…so this is where it gets good.
(Maybe you might think otherwise because I may have already lost your attention or will soon.)

Anyhoooooo:

I want to sell my house. I want to eventually quit my job and pursue a career in the Art field – and yes! Even though I may have to take a lower pay – if I’m going to be working all my life…I want to spend it doing something I enjoy. If it doesn’t work out – so be it! I’ll rather try than to have never tried at all. I have a much better attitude then I did a few years ago – I’m not where I want to be, but improvement is improvement. For once, I feel excited…I have something to look forward to and a goal I can work towards.

The thing is, I had always shot down a potential Art career because for many people – well, the pay isn’t great. It’s not easy to find any work or sustain a decent living. Most don’t make it and end up in a different field. Another reason for not pursuing is lack or question of talent. While I did really well in Elementary School/ Early Junior High – and the teachers/ private art instructors would always say that I had so much potential/ I should pursue an art career in the future – I now suck at it. Instead of attending all the classes, practising etc, I eventually dropped them because of bullying and instead stayed home crying 24/7 or on the computer for many, many years.

I tried practising recently, but it intimidates me and makes me feel like honeysuckle when I see how all of the younger people (tweens, teens etc.) are way more ******* talented than me. Some of them are already making money and have a following/ starts of a career. The ONE thing I might have been decently good at – even possibly “talented” at one point – I ******* am now honeysuckle at. I ******* suck in everything else as well. There isn’t even a glimmer of hope for that – please don’t humour me. My interests are mostly limited to Art – something which I’m a talentless honeysuckle at.

I want to improve and try though.

What hurts is that my family disagrees with my plans to sell my house and pursue an Art career. I know I should not let my family intervene with my plans – I’m a working adult.
It just really pisses me off that they don’t believe in me – no one believes in me.
I’m trying so hard to believe in myself but it’s difficult when everyone around you – even the ones you love – knock you down.
I r so lone wulf lolz.

Out of excitement, when I shared my goals to my closest family member – she confirmed my worst fears and said along the lines of: “You have no talent. You did once, but no talent now.” “Not good at anything.” “You’re such a miserable person. That girl (another artist for example etc) is beautiful, talented, happy, friendly etc.”

Along with that, around family - every time I try to be positive, I get the whole: “What’s wrong? Why are you so happy? It’s not normal for you because usually so sad and miserable.”
Is it so wrong for me to smile some days?
Is it so wrong for me to feel good?
Some days…I feel good without explanation!

I understand there might be some adjustment since they had to put up with me during my worst years…and I told them, I don’t always want to be seen as a “sad, miserable, depressed, low-self esteem person” but they keep reminding that THAT is WHO and WHAT I am.

If I even mention some general advice, I get: “Why are you even giving me advice? Who are you to give me any advice? You’re the most miserable person I know. I don’t want to be like you!”

FFS.

I love my family very much and would never cut ties…but omfg, I’m still trying to heal.
I R TRYING SO ******* HARD fresia.

If I am forever going to be this “sad, miserable, depressed, low-self esteem person” despite my efforts – I might as well just go kill myself already.
My family will respond with: “We saw it coming. She was always depressed.”

If I am sad and miserable…and do nothing – at least I can have the notion that if I WERE to do so something that things would get better.
If I am sad and miserable…and try everything possible…and no matter what, nothing will improve, please somebody…god…a giant black bear…just end my pain already.

(PUPPY EYES)

;_;

Some days, I just want to disappear.

I want to move to some other country, meet new people and make a good impression as a “positive, happy, fun person”. THAT’S how I want to be known. I don’t want to be recognized or known as a cloud of misery forever because of my past.

Don’t get me wrong – I still feel down some days – but I’ve improved and am trying.

But good god…maybe trying just isn’t enough.

Progress is progress, Luna. Even if it's a small amount. Eventually, you will get to where you experience a little peace.

(((((hugs)))))

I don't think "running from your problems" is the answer to everything, but maybe getting away and having some distance for a time is not a bad thing. Maybe consider renting your share of the house, and looking into peace corps or one of those teaching programs overseas where you give instruction in the English language. Many do not require any university degree. This might give you the distance you need and some new faces around you so you can reinvent yourself.

There are many options for you, but I'm happy that you can see your progress and are able to set goals despite what others think. The important thing is you can improve and you WANT to improve.

You'll do better - you managed so much already. I've come to terms that my family hates me, and its not my fault; not even by the standards of tradition do they have any right to behave with the sheer hate that they have. Have you considered renting out the house rather than selling it? You might be able to pull off being a distant landlord.

Some people seem to be able to maintain an upbeat ever positive attitude but no one is that way all the time just like no one is always sad..you know that. We all have our struggles myself included and I went through a period in my life where I was labeled/self labeled lots of negative nasty names but its bullshit and at least you seem to know it on some level.

When people label you, you can accept that this is there perception and let them know that you disagree or accept that this is there perception and just go about your business. You can count the positive strides you have made and matters.

Favorite quote of the moment "Not perfect? Me neither."

You say you sometimes feel good for no reason? How about because it feels good to feel good!

I think most artists are misunderstood. I was once an artist, too but I cannot draw that much or even write that long anymore as I have developed carpal tunnel syndrome in my right wrist, playing The Sims 2 trying to drown out my misery when I wasn't allowed to fulfill my dream of becoming an animator.

I did not get any support from my family either, specially my parents who said that if I do this, I will be just drawing my ass off until the day I die (which is what my initial idea is). I was happy with it and would not have anything else in the world but that. But that was not possible and acceptable to them. Coming from an Asian background, the mentality is that we should have an 'Academic' degree, like law, medicine or something that ends with '~ology'.

I still try to draw even when my hands literally turn blue because of the injury I have. And the only time I get to draw is mostly when I'm depressed so all my drawings turns out to be a zombie self-portrait.

I want to draw like how I used to. Lively, fun, happy drawings of people, full of excitement in their adventures in their world formed from the pigment of my imagination.

I envy you, Luna. You've got a job and a house. I, on the other hand, am a bum. Unemployed and I still live with my parents. I can't get a job because the lack of 'outside' experience that I have. I recently went for an unpaid volunteer interview and it was not successful. How pitiful is that??? LOL Not even unpaid jobs would want me.

A proverb says we should not compare our troubles, our miseries or even our blessings. Instead, if we should share our problems to each other, we should help each other into facing that (which I think this forum is doing [HOORAY!!!]) and if we do have blessings, we share them with others. I wrote to this thread because of how much it reflects to me, with regards to career.

What I want to say to you after all these ramblings is that, I know you can do it. Do the thing that I can't do. Follow your dreams.

Luna, I don't understand why you can't practice art on your own. Like what I am doing with my passion for the English language. Read books on art, fill your head with it. *smiles*

Your family sounds toxic. Do you not think that there might be something wrong with them since your brother is depressed as well. Actually it reminded me of my father's side of the family. He (my dad) is always telling my brother he will amount to nothing. What parent says that to their own child? Negative. Toxic.

Maybe you should consider moving away from them and their negative talk, so you can relax, while forming a new identity. Find people who respect you and hold onto them so their opinion of you can help foster growth in yourself.

Family can be the worst. Recently, I lost my temper with mine. (I don't ever lose my temper.) We were just talking about girls and friends and my lack of, and they just kept on and on at me about what I was doing wrong. They told me I wasn't listening and said that I was too stubborn too listen. I just blew up. I told them: "No, you know what. For as far back as I can remember, all you have ever done is tell me my faults and all the reasons people would want to avoid me. Just once, I'd like to hear a reason why they would want to be around me!"

They haven't criticised me since. They haven't complimented me, but at least they haven't criticised.

Family should be the one solace, the one unconditional shelter in this world. Sometimes, family is the worst place to be. Tell them your feelings, your dislike of their attitude and let them know that don't want any more criticism.

Luna, I agree with all the other posters.

You're so bright and funny and kind and beautiful.

Lables should only be for clothes. And even then they're annoying and itch the back of your neck.

You know who you are and your personality shines like a beacon.

Hi-
I moved to Europe when I was 20 and it changed my life. My family isn't exactly functional either but putting some distance between them and me helped a lot. Lord knows what I'd being doing now if I hadn't moved away.

Teresa