I don't understand why I can't connect with other people

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SeiToSai

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Aug 10, 2011
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Location
Connecticut
In the short history of my life I've had the same friends for different time periods. During my teenager years I had a small group of about eight friends, well "friends". Everyone used to talk about each other behind their backs and fights would break out at random all the time. My "best friend" and I were the closest but that really wasn't true but for only the first two years of our friendship. After that I felt like she was keeping me around because she was stunted by her family's religion and just wanted to settle on our friendship. I also felt like this for different reasons. Without her friendship I was pretty sure I'd lose my other friends because they were all friends before I moved to the neighborhood. I'm pretty sure of this because even though me and my old best friend were so similar it was like everyone around would find reason to build her up and knock me down. We'd both do bad things that break into the school one summer, listen to "bad" metal music, meet people from the internet, etc. But for some reason she was good and I was bad. If we came to bring someone soup when they were sick, even if it were completely my idea they would think it was her and give her credit for being a good person. It made me really depressed and affected me well after those friendships were over because it wasn't even just the friends, their parents followed that as well.

After that time period my ex friend moved on to being a slutty chick once she got this job at a restaurant and we took our separate paths, mostly, since I maintained a friendship with two friends of hers (brother and sister) since she pretty much dumped them too. I'm still sort of friends with those two, but we don't connect at all. In fact, I find them to be rather annoying these days and we only hang out every month or so. It's a similar situation with them. Their mom was always such a jerk to me when I would come over, their brother too. Then just the vibe with them always rubbed me the wrong way. They were a team and I was the outsider.

My whole life I've just wanted someone I feel like I'm equals with. A person I can connect with and have mutual understanding and feelings for. I've always tried so hard to friends, or relationships and failed badly. I'm not close to my family. I live at home with my mother while I'm trying to tough things out until I finish college and can make do on my own. She drives me absolutely insane. Sometimes I want to just give up and run away in my car.

It's just weird, I've met a lot of people but it's like I'm on a completely different wavelength than them. And now that I'm so desperate to deeply connect with someone I get so emotional about other people and sometimes codependent, but it's only because I usually only have one other person in my life. Like now, I met a guy on plenty of fish and I like him a lot but I know that the relationship I have built with him thus far means little to him. We don't even want the same things out of life so I know this, like all of my other relationships, will end.

It just sucks so much sometimes to have no one who is there for you, to talk to, to enjoy things with, for support, for love. I'm trying to learn how to get used to being on my own but it seems like I just can't get over it.

Edit: To add, also it seems like every time I DO find someone who I could have been very compatible with they're already broken. Like the guy I mentioned before. Maybe a few years ago we could have had something but he's so closed off to serious relationships now that he only wants to hold people at arms length. That happens a lot too...
 
Hi SeiToSai

SeiToSai said:
...old best friend were so similar it was like everyone around would find reason to build her up and knock me down...

Maybe they were not real friends. I can't imagine someone knocking me down and be called a friend. However, I believe that my friend can and should be able to be straight with me, and sometimes it means that I may not be happy with when I'm told off.

SeiToSai said:
my ex friend moved on to being a slutty chick once she got this job at a restaurant

Strong emotions, a lot of anger and hard language. I'd rather say that it turned out that she wasn't your friend after all.

SeiToSai said:
My whole life I've just wanted someone I feel like I'm equals with. A person I can connect with and have mutual understanding and feelings for. I've always tried so hard to friends, or relationships and failed badly...

I don't think you failed badly. You have tried genuinely. You have also learned a lot as I can see. It's more than a good start. You're too hard on yourself. No one can blame us for not being able to establish relationship easily with anyone, as everyone's so different.

SeiToSai said:
...We don't even want the same things out of life so I know this, like all of my other relationships, will end.

It just sucks so much sometimes to have no one who is there for you, to talk to, to enjoy things with, for support, for love. I'm trying to learn how to get used to being on my own but it seems like I just can't get over it.

I can't say what is good for you, whether to break this relationship or not. You'd know better, but I guess it is hard to make a right decision. It hurts to be with someone, who doesn't really understand your needs. At the same time it is painful to have no one.

SeiToSai said:
Edit: To add, also it seems like every time I DO find someone who I could have been very compatible with they're already broken...

I'm afraid that there are so many broken people (I myself too), that it real struggle to find someone who is not. And more someone is broken, more energy is needed to heal and build a relationship.

Just give yourself a chance and look around. I believe that this forum can help, but don't expect that you'll find something at once. You can always pm to see whether we're on a completely different wavelength or not. We probably are, but there is always something good to learn :)

I'm aware that friendship and other relationships may be of the greatest interest for you at the moment. But I (and maybe others) would like to know about your likes and dislikes, hobbies, etc.

Best of luck, SeiToSai!

PS i'm sorry if you find my post very messy
 
I've had similar feelings, like no matter what I couldn't connect with anyone. I know this might seem so obvious as to be silly, and maybe you've already tried it, but what are your interests? Maybe you can join some sort of group related to something you enjoy, so you'd have a circle of people with common interests you could hang out with.
 
I'm sorry for everything that's going on with you. A lot of people have similar feelings and situations (hence the creation of this site). I wouldn't say that you can't connect with people, but that you've had bad luck in friendships. It can happen sometimes. With time, you outgrew your friends and vice versa, moving into different directions with different motivations in life. As you mentioned you're in college, you should use this time as a fresh start to meet new people. College is a transformative time for life, and it can be good for you.
 
Hey Guys, my first post here. I am probably a bit older than many & I am a reader so i thought i maybe of some help. First in general may i say most of us know from young if we are being used by friends or family or not.
We get angry then because each time we do something nice we get a kick in the head for our efforts.

I find most lonely people are the deep down really really nice ones.

Dont mistake friendship for love either. Friends are people who come along and can be a 17 year old boy or girl that befriends a little old lady and vise versa.

Sometimes it can be a family member you have worked your life trying to be closer to. You give and give and you keep getting rejected . In the end you think it must be you.


No my friends often it is not you. People are very selfish. Learn to expect
for you to be treated with respect. As soon as somebody offends you dam well tell them. Dont bottle it up.I too* have fallen for this trap of being too nice. I paid my cousins dam bills on and off for thirty years. She has a husband while I* am along Silly me! I kept helping her until i finally got sick of being used as a whipping post.

So i am alone ( no other relatives) friends too busy to call me after my mum died.

So you know what- Finally i got around to calling them - about 2 years later. I told them what I had done for them and how insulted i was by the way they treated me. Yep it can be lonely but keep your self respect. Know its not your fault.

That is my message to you all because the nice shy people DO get used

Blessings & Merry meets online posters.
 

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