Im really upset, so much to get off my chest

So, Im 20 years old now, ive never had a girlfriend, but ive always wanted one, i think about being with a girl all the time, i feel like its all ive thought about my whole life. Im indian, and white girls seem like complete angels to me, but whenever I catch the eye of agirl I like or think is pretty, when she looks at me I feel like a total alien, like im a different species. I get so nervous around girls I can hardly move, and am so self-conscious, my mind goes totally blank and I just want to get away, its completely overwhelming. So.. ive never had a real conversation with a girl in my whole life, maybe just a few on omegle at those times when I felt like killing myself and theres no where else for me to turn. Im not a bad person, and I think im kind and caring, but I feel like my love is worthless, like if i told a girl i liked her she would just wish id never spoken to her. Ive been crying into my pillow at night these past few days, and all I can think about is suicide. I attempted in february last year, and since then ive just tried to stay away from society and girls, so I wouldnt feel jealous when I see couples together, or feel depressed when I come close to girls and realise how unconfident I am. but its killing me know, I feel like I did back then, I just want to hang myself. I dont understand why some people find it so easy, and I feel like a completely alienated from girls. I only feel at peace when im crying,

It hurts so much when I think about other guys who have had a gf their whole life, and sex all the time. it hurts to see other people kissing, ive tried going out clubbing alone to try and find a girl, but I feel like I dont exist when im around everyone else with so much confidence
It hurts that ive wanted love for my whole life, and ive never got it, like its some sick joke by god. Ive tried messaging people on fb and dating sites, but no one has replied, I thought some would but no , I dont know what else to say here... I just wanted to try and be totally honest with how i feel, maybe it will help

I am really sorry you have all this pain. No one should ever have to endure this sort of pain. You deserve better. I can tell you have a good heart (or at least that is the impression I get).

The first thing you have to do is to stop the feelings of alienation and try to relate to girls as fellow human beings. You aren't an alien. You aren't a freak of nature. You're a human too.

Have you ever sought counseling? You might want to consider it.

Don't hurt yourself.

thanks so much for replying, I have had some counselling but it didnt help me, . I feel like the only thing that will make me feel better is talking about it with a girl, but summoning the courage to do so is impossible.

Well... go ahead. Talk. I'll listen.

I just wish i didnt have to be alone all the time, I cry at night because I want to be next to someone, spooning or whatever, I want to know what it feels like. I'ts all ive wanted.... im starting to feel old, like there must be a point in my life where I have to give up, I cant go my whole life like this,

when i was younger I think i used to fall in love easily, or more infatuation than love, and it really hurt because I could never summon the courage to approach a girl, or have a conversation. The only communication would be hey/hi/ or a smile . so it was back it school where this all started for me ithink, thats when I started thinking about suicide. I used to try and go out and be around the girls I liked, even though it meant going clubbing alone. I used to try and be sociable even though it hurt me and put me in situations where I was really nervous. Now I try to keep myself out of those situations, but its crazy, like it hurts to watch films with romance in, or even just going on fb and realising how lonely i am...
what hurts more is I can remember a few times in my life where a girl i liked started a conversation with me, but I have always just ended up running away/stopped talking to her . I think back to those times and wish I wasnt such a coward... I cant see how I could possible get a gf the way I am.... thanks for talking

Is it just talking to girls face to face that you find difficult, or do you feel that way with online chat as well?

I second SophiaGrace's plea: Don't hurt yourself. You seem like a good person, and the world definitely need more people like you. Also, please keep in mind that you're still young; you have your whole life ahead to build up your confidence and find the right girl(s). Just don't give up. Never give up. Never lose hope. As long as you're alive, it's never too late.

I find talking face to face next to impossible...it just makes me want to run away, and then cry because im such a coward
online is difficult as well, but I have more time to build confidence to write something....

I understand what you say about it never being too late and you should never give up, but humans just cant be as strong-minded as that all the time. Like I always feel ok after crying, but the suicidal feelings always come back again... nobody can go there whole life like that. It scares me to think i may one day be 30 or 40 yrs old and still as lonely as I am now... ive already felt this way for 3 or 4 years, its hurt me for that long but I havent given up...but now I feel completely hopeless,

Have you ever taken an anti depressant? When I feel depressed i isolate myself from other people and don't want to talk to them.

Have you ever taken an anti depressant? When I feel depressed i isolate myself from other people and don't want to talk to them.

my doctor and parents have pushed anti-depressants at me, but I havent been willing to take them because I dont believe they will help, or maybe I dont like to think that my loneliness can be cured by a drug. I took prozac for 2 weeks once (which I know isnt long enough), but ended up overdosing (not suicidal intent), I havent taken any since then,

You are focusing way too much on being in a relationship with someone. I can't imagine what your first breakup will be like. Just relax. Relationships are awesome and all but they aren't everything.

You know, I have to say that i can relate to you a lot in a particular way because I can remember several instances where I've felt unhuman (lately the feeling has gotten better)Most notably when I first went to college, and everyone there seemed real and I didn't feel real at all. I felt like an alien, a freak, and my mom had to take me home the first weekend because I ended up having a panic attack, crying, telling her I didn't want to go to college. It was pathetic.

Also, I deeply related to the Monster in Frankenstein written by Mary Wollstonecroft when I read that novel. It's essentially a novel about social disenfranchisement and loneliness. I sense that it would move you as well if you read it.

Hi there!
If this makes you feel any better...you are not the only one in this situation!
The only difference between you and me is that I started not giving so much of a fresia about this! When I*m at work I have better things to think about and in my free time i always try to find something who can take me out of my misery, things like... watching a movie( I watch like 6 movies/week), going to the gym, searching interesting/funny things on the Internet, playing video games.
All this crap... when I turn on the TV I see all these teenage movies where guys my age are like sex predators, hunting women to have sex with, my relatives always ask me if I date somebody( OH! NOES! I*d better lie about it or else they will think I*m gay), all my work/ex-schoolmates, all my neighbours my age, all my friends, cousins etc...they all have/had a girlfriend...this stuff makes me question my normality! It makes me wonder if I am a socially normal guy( for sure I*m not), but...worst...It makes me wonder if I am normal...mentally normal.

lonelyboy291 said:

I just wish i didnt have to be alone all the time, I cry at night because I want to be next to someone, spooning or whatever, I want to know what it feels like. I'ts all ive wanted.... im starting to feel old, like there must be a point in my life where I have to give up, I cant go my whole life like this

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Hey lonelyboy,

I'm male, 20, also always been single like you. I can understand completely how you feel, thoughts of romance dominate my head to a really annoying extent sometimes. I think of myself being 25+ and still lonely and despair.

I'm generally a happy kind of person, but sometimes I can get incredibly dark thoughts if I dwell on my loneliness too much. So I try not to.

One thing I'd advise you to remember is a lot of people in relationships actually aren't that happy. I have a female friend who is always going out with guys, but she is also always breaking up with them or arguing with them. The bad comes with the good too.

I too find it pretty maddening when I see other couples when I'm going about my business. I even find it irritating when I see love scenes in movies and stuff too sometimes. It feels like an entire seperate world that I'm not going to be a part of anytime soon.

However! I found a good way to reduce the pain is to exercise regularly, take up hobbies, make sure I'm happy with myself as a person. I can do only a limited amount to get a girl I like (I can't make anyone like me), so I may as well improve myself. If that makes sense.

A side note: I'm a "white" guy, so perhaps my situation with white girls is a little easier due to the lack of unconscious racial/cultural differences, but frankly I think any girl who's worth your time won't give a **** about any of that stuff, so I wouldn't waste time thinking about it.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk more at any point.

You sound like me 35 years ago. I've heard that opinions are like ********, everybody has one and most of them stink. If this is true then advice is the honeysuckle produced by ********. Having said that, never forget honeysuckle is the best fertilizer. So, then, there's only one important thing to do: be yourself. Never create a fake front because you think it will get you what you want, as in a love life.

Beyond that, treat all people with respect, even when they do not deserve it. Most especially see women / girls as human beings rather than objects. Live your life, be yourself, be honest and kind and respectful. In other words, be everything most other guys are not these days. Be patient. Understand that because so many males are led around by the end of their wanger most girls are skeptical and cautious. There is virtue in being and old fashioned gentleman. Sooner or later you just might find a woman who is a real person who can care about you as you are. When you do, give her the respect she deserves.

Stop watching the world and forget the honeysuckle you see in movies or TV. Life is not nearly as rosy as it seems. All people are messed up in one way or another and very few relationships are perfect.

As far as your suicidal thoughts, just push them aside. Admit what you feel to yourself and tell yourself how stupid the thought is. Death is the end, dude. Life is all we have. Grab it by the balls and refuse to let go, no matter what. You have lots of it ahead of you. Do the best you can do, try not to fresia up too often, be honest with yourself, care about others, and keep breathing. Where there is life, there is hope, however miniscule. Killing yourself is the chickenshit way out. Living takes guts. Prove you have courage. Tomorrow is another day and who knows what it will bring.