Lonely or a loner?

I am sure there are many on this site that are truly lonely and I don't mean for a moment to discount their loneliness. I am going to share something that has been a personal revelation to me and explains what I think is loneliness at times for me but really is not.

I've been reading an amazing book I highly recommended "Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto" by Anneli Rufus. It is one of those books where I can't help but laugh as she seems to understand me so perfectly. Things I've always thought were "wrong" with me she has helped me see are normal and common to the 20% of the population that are loners. She does a good job of lambasting the medias portrayal of "loners" as deviants or criminals.

The problem for those of us who are loners is that we are in the minority. We are surrounded by nonloners who do not understand us. Theirs are the social norms and they think we just need to be "fixed" and their cure is always the worst thing for us: forced social contact. They think we just need to be around people more and then we will see the light and become nonloners just like them.

People who aren't social or keep to themselves must have something wrong with them the nonloner thinks. They can no more relate to us than we can relate to them except we have the advantage of having to live around so many nonloners that we at least have some understanding of them whereas they have no clue what we are about.

I think sometimes we feel lonely because we are alone and we have been programmed by society (ruled by the nonloners) to think being alone must mean you are lonely. You are only lonely if you truly desire to be around people more and have no opportunity or are too shy. Just make sure you are not feeling lonely because you think you're supposed to want to have a long list of friends and a significant other. Maybe you just like being alone. Even loners have friends and like anyone we have our moments when we wish for something more yet deep down inside we know we are not like others.

One interesting tidbit is that loners often find love with other loners as unlikely as they may sound. I know I fall prey to thinking I need an outgoing woman (to make up for my shyness) when that would not make for a good match. She would suffocate me and I would bore her. Been there - done that. I laughed out loud when I read this quote as it so describes my last marriage:

"Aggressive women sometimes 'go after shy introverted guys' picking them as prime partners precisely because such guys, ... seem easier to manipulate."

Anyhow good read. Just food for thought. It may apply to a few of you.

But I can't read *runs off crying*

I read The Loners' Manifesto a couple of years ago and had somewhat of an opposite revelation to yours. I found myself disagreeing with a lot of Rufus's views on things (save for the chapter on the media's portrayal of loners as deviants) and was finding it hard to relate. From this, I realized I'm not a loner but actually have a strong need and desire for relationships with others. Being an introvert, my need for social contact is considerably less than those with more outgoing personalities, and I still very much enjoy my own company and time spent alone. But not long after finishing the book, I realized the "loner" label no longer fit.

For a period of time growing up, I could have certainly been classified as a loner on par with Rufus, but eventually I came to realize that I really do like people and want people to like me. I held on to the loner label for longer than it applied because it was less painful to think I was alone because I wanted to be that way, rather than because I had problems connecting with people and attaining the kind of relationships others had.

Anyhow, that's just my experience with the book. Still a good read.

I have not finished the book so I may disagree with some things by the end. Still I find that in my case I can connect with others but only in small doses. I just don't like connecting for long enough periods to make a relationship work. Since I have been this way seemingly my entire life it is almost like it's all I know and I can't say I know what I am missing.

I think people make too much of it.

It's 50/50 either for me.

When I'm working, studying, praticing music, yard work, doing whatever hobbies...I'm bascailly alone.
I dont feel lonely.

When I'm in a relationship.(at least healthy ones) I still spend half of my time doing
these activites alone.

Example...I was put on night duties/fgrave yard shift for around six months.
I bascailly had to do a lot of data intry. bascailly little to no human contact all night.
I saw my wife at the that time many for an hour before she went to work..Then
I went to sleep...SO bascailly 90% of my time was spent being alone even though
I was married...My heart didnt feel alone.

On the other end of the spectrum...When i was single.
Dating and partying all the time. I was around people all the time.
Yet i felt lonely

Lonliness for me is an emotion or state of mind.

---

Even when I was living the so call normal healthy life while in a lone term relationship with a full time job.

My GF and my schedule matched.
Id had to spend of my time in my office alone to sort out my work and the other half interacting with my co workers.

When I got home from work. My GF and I had alone time or whine down time from work. Then we might have 3 hours of actual time together. Then we would go to sleep. Have sex or what have ya..ut that only takes an hour at most.

We would have dating nights during the week day.. Then maybe to out on the town or plan a weekend trip.

However I also play music and had a hobbie.
Ill either do yard work, clean up the house, or build my model aor planes...
All of these activities are done by myself.
The only other enteraction I had with friends where on sundays when I go flying and hang out with firends.
My GF would go visit her friends or family...

A lot of it is trying to maitain balance.

It was mostly a mental state of being that I didnt feel lonely

ensom said:

From this, I realized I'm not a loner but actually have a strong need and desire for relationships with others.

Click to expand...

This is how I feel about myself now. I've experienced loneliness for many years and started to socialize a bit more and have experimented for myself that if I do feel lonely when I am with a group of people, it is because I do not enjoy their company. However, if I am in the midst of people who I feel I have a spark with, I feel satisfied and less lonely.

However, I think that sometimes when we want/desire a partner, it could also be a sign of some sort of loneliness but it is nothing bad about it. A lot of people say you need to feel complete and not need someone in your life because that's wrong or unhealthy. It's not.

It's just some people are better off being single while some love themselves and want to share themselves with someone.


When I was stuck with a particular group, I always asked myself why I felt lonely even when hanging out with them. I'd just like to add that there are many different personalities, individuals and groups out there that may not be the kind of people who will give you that social enjoyment. If you feel lonely being around them, try looking for other groups. There may be many reasons why we feel lonely and it's something we need to do a little research within ourselves because it really is different for everyone.

I also found this article to be quite interesting to what the OP said about finding someone who is also a loner to hang out with as a partner which I disagree with.

It says:

"That's not that surprising, because bringing a bunch of lonely people together is not expected to work if you understand the root causes of loneliness," Masi said. "Several studies have shown that lonely people have incorrect assumptions about themselves and about how other people perceive them. If you bring them all together, it's like bringing people with abnormal perceptions together, and they're not necessarily going to click."


The link to the article is here:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/09/100907171640.htm

beans said:

ensom said:

From this, I realized I'm not a loner but actually have a strong need and desire for relationships with others.

Click to expand...

This is how I feel about myself now. I've experienced loneliness for many years and started to socialize a bit more and have experimented for myself that if I do feel lonely when I am with a group of people, it is because I do not enjoy their company. However, if I am in the midst of people who I feel I have a spark with, I feel satisfied and less lonely.

However, I think that sometimes when we want/desire a partner, it could also be a sign of some sort of loneliness but it is nothing bad about it. A lot of people say you need to feel complete and not need someone in your life because that's wrong or unhealthy. It's not.

It's just some people are better off being single while some love themselves and want to share themselves with someone.


When I was stuck with a particular group, I always asked myself why I felt lonely even when hanging out with them. I'd just like to add that there are many different personalities, individuals and groups out there that may not be the kind of people who will give you that social enjoyment. If you feel lonely being around them, try looking for other groups. There may be many reasons why we feel lonely and it's something we need to do a little research within ourselves because it really is different for everyone.

I also found this article to be quite interesting to what the OP said about finding someone who is also a loner to hang out with as a partner which I disagree with.

It says:

"That's not that surprising, because bringing a bunch of lonely people together is not expected to work if you understand the root causes of loneliness," Masi said. "Several studies have shown that lonely people have incorrect assumptions about themselves and about how other people perceive them. If you bring them all together, it's like bringing people with abnormal perceptions together, and they're not necessarily going to click."


The link to the article is here:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/09/100907171640.htm

Click to expand...

That could well be true. I have an aunt in Canada who is a counselor and a self-described loner. She said her husband is an extrovert but he understands her and gives her the space she needs. He has his clubs and outside activities that he enjoys without her. The key is that he accepts and understands her.

I've met a number of women who want a high degree of emotionally intimacy in the relationship. They want me to accompany them running errands and want to spend entire evenings together talking, eating, watching TV, or whatever. That quickly wears me out. After about 2 hours of togetherness I want the rest of the evening to myself. That does not go over well. So it all comes down to the other person and if they can be somewhat independent in getting their social contact or if they expect a lot of it from you.

Two loners might work if you can find some ways to connect that is meaningful for both of you without being too much for either of you.

I don't know the answer. I have not dated enough in my lifetime to say and after two failed marriages I can't say I have hit upon the formula. I just plan to live my life doing what I enjoy as a single man and if along the way I happen to meet someone I click with then great but if not then I feel I can handle living alone. I get a lot out of my online contact and that alleviates the need for in-person contact quite a bit.

For me it's hard to find that balancing point. What I want in a relationship is far less than the women I meet want and what they want is too much for me. In that case the result is no relationships.

ohcalidatex said:

What I want in a relationship is far less than the women I meet want and what they want is too much for me. In that case the result is no relationships.

Click to expand...

You just answered your own question. From what you have said, I think you already do have the answer. You are best living your life as a single man and as a loner. And that's why you found the book comforting. You used to think that there's something wrong with you for liking to be alone but there is nothing wrong with that. It's your life and you have to live it the way it makes you most happy. Stay away from relationships, women and just enjoy the solitude.

We all need to love and be loved....

Thats the other people sometimes dosnt mention...becuase they only read half of the book...

At moment..Renae and I are separated but we had been communicating at more deeper or heart to heart level...
I dont feel lonely....even though were not living togehter @ the moment...
Yet there were times when we were together..when she and I fought or didnt communicate...I felt completely alone...

Even though Im living alone @ the moment. I still socialize with people.
Family and friends...so that I dont isolate

for me...I dont do so well when I isolate.
Crazy honeysuckle runs through my mind which altimately leads to depression.
or going stair crazy...

We all need alone time to sorts things out or re charges ourselve...but not to the extreem. Too much of anythings isnt good for you.

Of course, some of us are lonely AND loners. I do best on my own, but there are times that loneliness causes a real and physical pain.

Although I like to be alone quite a lot, I do love social contact, connecting and laughing with someone leaves me buzzing for hours and I love relationships and intimacy. This means I am not a loner. I need others to be mentally fulfilled. We have evolved to be social animals which is why lonliness causes such pain and mental problems.

I'm posting to a thread that's been dead for about five years because Ms. Rufus' book was the reason I found this forum. Years of therapy taught me that I became a loner because I felt rejected by my classmates at school and pretty much everyone else, because I looked different, had a strange name, and was physically smaller than most other boys due to having skipped a grade. They made me lonely, I made myself a loner is the Cliff's Notes version. Not their fault, not mine, just que sera, sera.

I found my needs for acceptance, company, even love to be muted by time and circumstance. I made myself invisible; in four years of high school yearbooks, there's only one picture of me, and that was only because I forgot to feign illness on yearbook picture day. Most of my professional career has been practiced in the shadows, ghostwriting for others.

Of course, I thought I hungered for love and companionship, when I learned once I was in relationships that what I hungered for was the hunger, or more likely just longed to be a real boy (or man), like Pinocchio did.

I learned how to be a mostly successful loner. The internet helps-- it brings a rich variety of all manner of things to my computer and smartphone screens. I derive pleasure from wonderful music and great writing. I enjoy the sunrises and sunsets and the contrails in the sky on my commutes to and from work. I enjoy doing my work well and earning the praise of those for whom I ghostwrite-- I make them look smart.

I'm still too often lonely, but find the company of most of my fellow humans to be irritating to various extents. I'm sure I irritate them too, and no longer much care. Maybe I'm irritating you by wishing you had these last 90 seconds of your life back. But if you've read this far, whaddaya think? Are you like me, or glad you're not?

Both. Even if it sounds contradictory but many will understand.

I am definitely a lonely loner.

I choose to be alone
I could be in the company of others right now
I find the company of others physically and mentally draining.

But
I do crave attention every so often
I used to enjoy the company of strangers at clubs and raves
I do need someone to talk to every now and then

Both. I choose to be alone because I am scared of hurting people. But I am lonely and wish I could be normal enough to make it through a day without wanting to disappear when around other people.

Leaning towards loner though there's another page to the story. I've always been an introvert and I definitely need my timeouts after being among people, but it's not nearly as bad in the virtual sphere. Otherwise I wouldn't be here. There used to be loneliness yet it was surpassed by weariness and disconnection a while ago. Some may call me a coward or an escapist, but I prefer the conscious decision to distance myself. After all the pain and suffering I caused and which has been imposed onto me because I tried to turn myself into something which I'm not. But that's just life for you. I try to find purpose in other things, sometimes even related to other human beings (like making them laugh) as long as it does not get too close. I wouldn't want to be any different because even I have my redeemable qualities, I know how to put them to good use and that they are appreciated out there.

I think it's more loner than lonely lately. I've had a few friendships turn sour and people who seemed to be concerned about me and tried to cheer me up, only to want something from me five minutes later. I can't say I'm happy being a hermit, but I sometimes need to be away from people before they stress me out and turn me cynical.

I don't really get lonely these days. I would say that I have always been a loner. Like I act, but I have never really hung out with actors. I write and direct, but I never really hang out with writers and directors. I like music, but hardly hang out with musicians. I like sports, but hardly hang out with athletes (though I have a few friends who are sports fans). I've always just kinda been on my own and continue to be so.

I am more of an outsider if anything. There isn't one environment that I can 100% belong in.

I am a bit of both. 90% loner and introvert, 10% lonely.

Loners, if you catch them, are well worth the trouble. Not dulled by excess human contact, nor blasé or focused on your crotch while jabbering about themselves, loners are curious, vigilant, full of surprises. They do not cling. Separate wherever they go, awake or asleep, they shimmer with the iridescence of hidden things seldom seen. ––Anneli Rufus, Party of One: The Loners’ Manifesto

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The 10% is unfortunate. I just can't abide dishonesty and the other crap people bring to relationships. The art of communication is lost, arguments that never mattered in the first place become huge stumbling blocks. People need to realise what matters in life! It's not pride, bias or ego. *Shakes her head*

It breaks my heart, but I just can't do it anymore. That 10% is just going to have to stay unsatiated. Love shall remain the high point of my dreams.

As for general company, I have more of it than I can handle. I live in a shared household. Thankfully my housemates give me my space, right now I am relaxing in my bedroom listening to music, they are outside being social.

I'm a loner alright. I'm just a lonely loner on a lonely road, alone.