I'm so confused!

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Equinox

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Some may or may not know that I once had a very close friend. She was what one might call my "best friend"; I'd known of her for some years, but it wasn't until around 2006 we started really connecting and hanging out a lot. We had so much in common, and I felt like this was the girl with whom I could completely relate - we "got" each other, and were always there for each other. We were both very creative, especially in writing, and we created many great stories and characters together. I really thrived with her.

Then something changed during the late summer of 2009, and she gradually slipped away. She gradually spent less and less time with me, and more time with her boyfriend and their couple friends instead. Earlier I'd been used to talking to her every day, but suddenly I had to adjust to hardly ever talking to her at all. I felt cut out, left out, and tossed aside like some used, old toy, and it hurt like hell.

Because of this, I decided to accept a job offer in England, and moved there January 2010. I loved the city and country, but the job didn't really work out, so I moved back to Norway six months later, but not to the same city as before, where my friend lived. A big reason for this was her; I didn't want to live in the same city as her, as I knew I'd start feeling sad and rejected again when we wouldn't hang out like before. Instead I moved to the capital city, and have tried to start a new life with new friends here. It's been hard, and it really bugs me that I still think about her so much.

I started unfollowing her facebook and twitter updates, just to make some distance. It's helped somewhat, though every now and then I can't help myself from having a peek at her profile to see what she's been up to lately. Also, sometimes, she'll comment on some of my own twitter and facebook updates, and this is where I get all confused. Her comments are friendly enough, but they're quite rare, and I just don't know what to make of them. I don't get why she's commenting at all, or why she's even following my updates at all, when she clearly doesn't care about our old friendship.

Purely by accident, I discovered that she's actually been visiting the capital city this weekend, hooking up with a lot of mutual friends. Earlier this week she commented on one of my updates, and then she completely snubs me when she's visiting the city where I now live. From my facebook stalking, I picked up that she apparently had some accommodation issues on Friday, and that she had a boring afternoon alone for some hours before travelling back home today. At any of those times, she could have contacted me, and I would have been happy to help. The fact that she didn't even tell me she was here, hurt a great deal, even though I haven't seen her now in ages, and more or less broken off all contact with her.

I miss her, but at the same time I despise her. I hate that she still holds this power over me, and that she can hurt my feelings so badly just by ignoring me. It also infuriates me that she apparently follows my updates and occasionally comments on them, when she clearly has no intention of being my friend anymore.

These conflicting emotions has been draining my energy for too long. I just want it to stop. How do I make it stop? How can I forget about her and just move on? Why did I let her turn me into this bitter, distrusting person?

:(
 
Does she have a lot of friends? If so, then friends to her are a dime a dozen. I remember I only had one friend growing up, and she was only my friend when it was convenient for her (she had lots of other friends so she didn't need me as much as I needed her). Conversely, I didn't have any friends so I cherished even her part-time friendship.

Facebook is a good place to find out who your "fake" friends are. I thought I had made two friends at my old job, I had been asking both of them (separately) "hey when are we gonna get together for lunch/shopping/etc" and they'd say "oh I'm so busy but we'll do it soon", then I saw a convo between the two of them saying they were gonna get together, and I posted "can I join ya?" and they say "oh of course"...about a week later they posted pictures of the little lunch they were enjoying -- without me, of course. So, I'd say the first thing to do is remove her from fb, what's the point if she's not your friend? (yeah, I need to do the same with my "friends" as well). The worst part of this is, while I know it will be painful for you to do, I'll bet she wouldn't give it a second thought.

Sometimes, people just suck.
 
Did you like her as more than a friend? We can't hold on to friends. We can't control what they do. If they decide to be around other people instead of us, then they can do that. There's nothing you can do. Maybe try to contact her to ask her how she's doing. Becoming bitter about it won't bring her back to you. We have to accept when people want to go their own way. Just like when we want to go our own way, there's nothing anyone can do.
 
I'm still fighting a "good fight" too. It hasn't been quite a year of it yet, but almost... Time. Everyone who has been through it will tell you that it will pass in time. Bewilderment, anger, sadness, self-blame (at least considering things you may have done wrong, even if there wasn't)... All of this is part of a cycle and it just doesn't fade until time makes it so. Actually, I think it's less about the time, and more about the experiences you'll have during the time. You've got to stay busy and approach others to establish new friendships. You've got to embrace positive activities and ideas, old and new.

 
Could be that she'd feel awkward about asking for help after not having visited you for so long. If I lose touch with a friend, the last thing I'd want to do is contact them asking for something. Would make me feel like a huge dicktree.
 
As unhelpful as it might sound, I think you're on the right track. You're putting distance between her and yourself (not following facebook/twitter updates), which is good, and even if you do check in for a peek once in a while, you're still seeing less information about her than you used to. You might want to consider blocking her so that she can't see your facebook/twitter updates - try it just for a week and see how you feel.

There's nothing wrong with not following someone online. I've de-friended and de-followed people from time to time, including an ex that I remained friends with, and he knew it too - he just respected that it was hard for me to see information about him and his new (now ex-)bf.

And don't be too hard on yourself. These things can be really painful, sometimes it takes time to get over them, even if it seems to outside observers that it shouldn't. Celebrate small victories and take it a day at a time.
 

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