ThePsychologist
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- Dec 31, 2009
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Hey guys.
This will be a long one. I will be swearing in this topic.
This is the first time I'm posting in the "Miscellaneous Issues" board, so go easy on me
Well, as you can read in the title, I am angry. Very angry. Before I start with my story, I will share some backgound information:
-I am 23
-I go to group therapy for my anxiety disorder and personality disorder (don't think it's all that severe, but I guess I'm touching upon the "disorder" part)
-I live at home with my parents
-I go to school
----
I will tell two stories that all have something to do with my father. This past year in particular, I am not liking my father one bit and he is not liking me. We have our good moments, but we also have our bad moments. I'll start with the first bad moment of two weeks ago:
Story #1:
So my parents are going away on the 13th of November of this year for two weeks. They have this foundation in Africa were they help build up schools and farms. They sometimes ship stuff in containers to Africa. On a Saturday, another shipment would be sent off. And it was on a Thursday that I shall start this story, 3 days prior to the launching of that shipment.
On the Thursday in the evening, my father asked me if I could instal a computer for him, so he could put it on the container. I said I would do it, but not tonight, since I was tired from going to school all day. I would do it on the Friday.
So far everything was peaches.
I started working on the computer on saturday at around 13:00. Some troubles rose up that would hinder my progress. I tried till 17:00, but to no avail. I informed my father of this.
After dinner around 19:00, I tried again. It failed again. So at around 21:00 I downloaded some new software that would set the computer up right. The thing is, this downloading would probably take some time (perhaps 2 hours). I could do nothing in the meantime of those 2 hours, so I invited a friend of mine to come over so we could play a game. I did not tell my father this, allthough I already felt that this could prove to be problematic.
When my friend was sitting next to me behind my computer, my father came into my room, looking angry. He asked if the computer was ready yet. I said "no, it's not ready. I need to download some stuff that will probably take about another hour. In the meantime I'll go relax and play a videogame with my friend." I said this part a bit hesitantely, because I saw in my fathers eyes that he not really understood, and that the only thing he could think about was how this friend of mine probably was interfering with his mission, to have me fix that computer.
My father said nothing, closed the door and looked, glared, very angrily at my friend.
I already sensed that something was wrong.
A few minutes later, my father came in again, still looking very angry and told the following in a voice that barely could contain his anger: "Well, you guys must enjoy playing games. It must be really fun. But I ASKED YOU to fix that computer!! I DO NOT hope that this boy (pointing to my friend) will be here every night again for I do not enjoy his presence..."
Now, normally, I would succumb to my father's wishes. Normally, I would say "okay father" - I would close the game that we were playing, send my friend home and I would pretend to be able to work on that computer eventhough the download was still not finished, which means I cannot fix the computer yet. But atleast it would apease my father, preventing him from becoming even more angry.
I never really stood up to my father before. But I did do it at that moment!
I was filled with RAGE that would burst at any moment! My eyes widened angrily, I stopped breathing, I started shaking and told in a loud voice that enveloped the entire room... "I am still downloading!!! I CANNOT do something about the computer because it's still BUSY!!!! And HOW DARE YOU talk to MY friend like that! HE hasn't been here for HALF A YEAR!! And now, when he shows up after a LONG time, you barge in here and tell him you do not like him??! Do I treat your friends that way?! No! I will work on that ******* computer when I am done here!! NOW GO!"
My father stared into the room one more time and closed the door without saying anything. My friend was a bit suprised about all this, not understanding. He looked a bit huddled in fear, sitting next to me like that. He asked me: "Where did I go wrong to lose his respect?" I have no idea.
I was finally able to breathe again, my heart was racing like mad and I could not stop shaking. He insulted my friend! That ******* *******!
So I checked the download again, it was still 45 minutes before it was done. Me and my friend played the game till the download was finished and he went home.
I fixed the computer and everything was working as intended. I did not feel like fixing the computer to be honest, but I did. I promised I would.
About an hour later, my father came in my room again, asking me "Well? Is it finished?" speaking in the same angry voice. I said "Yes." without looking at him. He said "Thank you" in a way that clearly stated that he did not mean a word of gratitude and closed the door immideately.
I was angry about this for days! But, this was the first time I stood up to my father like this. And it felt amazingly good! I felt so much relieve and happyness! Normally, I would hold the anger when I submit to his immoral behaviour and I would be marked by his negative presence for days to come. I would not be able to concentrate on anything at all and would in general feel very unhappy.
As you might understand, this was a breakthrough for me.
---
The following weeks went by somewhat normally (as in, nothing that I'm not used to already)
But then, my father came to me again, and this time asked me to fix another computer, and if I could explain to his friend who would bring us this computer, how I do some certain things with a computer (like how to install windows). I agreed, but that I would have time at the end of my exam week. And that day is today. Today it is Thursday. This morning I had my last exam and was really tired, but I agreed to fix the computer tonight and that my father's friend, who would bring the laptop, could expect an explenation about how I did things on the computer.
But there was something wrong, again. I was feeling very angry again, and was thinking about before in my previous story. Thinking about "Why would I help my father's friend while he disrespects my own friends and treats them like crap? Why should I stay nice to his friends? Why do I not insult his friend like he did mine? Then he would know how I would feel."
But ofcourse, I could not bring myself to actually insult my father's friend. I don't want to be like my father, but I think I could've if I really wanted to. I was very angry though. I became more subdued during dinner, not talking, avoiding giving answers while I wrestled with my feelings on the inside. My parents must not have known what was wrong with me.
The friend of my father came with his computer, and I explained everything in detail, made him practice so that he would learn the best. But I was still very angry. I guess I showed this, but the friend of my father did not seem to mind that much, being greatfull for the help I was providing. My father was sitting next to him, drinking beer and making jokes.
A problem rose up with the network on Windows, and I could not solve it. I told the father of my friend this, and that I was sorry for not being able to fix his computer 100%. I asked him if I could be excused, and he said yes. I did not look at my father and left the room.
I called the same friend from before up a few minutes later, asked if we could hang out, because I needed to relax after all that work. He would come over. In those five minutes that followed up, I was immidiatly struck again by fear of my father. What if he came in the room again and order me around, asking me why I could not finish the computer? That my own friend was there again, preventing me from fixing the computer for a 100% (which is not true).
But my father did not come into the room. My friend left after a few hours. I went downstairs, saw my father, looking angry again, doing basically nothing. His friend was gone. I asked him if he wanted some tea. He did not respond. I asked him again, "do you want some tea?" He said in an angry tone "No..." - I knew he was angry again, and that I probably did something wrong again, so I left upstairs, and am now writing this.
Why am I writing this? When I wrote these problems, they don't seem to be that problematic in general, the problems itself that is. But what I do notice is the amount of anger.
Right now, I would love to go into my father's room and bash his head in with something. Make him scream in pain, hurt him, badly. I feel angry and sad. I know that the following days I will be hurt on the inside again, and I will not be nice to be around with, for I will be subdues, turned on the inside and feel unhappy. All, because my father was, apparently, not happy that I did not fix his friends computer for a 100% and immediatly after that went to play games with my friend.
I just wish this feeling could go away. Why am I so influenced by my father like this?
If some of you would be able to make any form of comment on this, I would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you
This will be a long one. I will be swearing in this topic.
This is the first time I'm posting in the "Miscellaneous Issues" board, so go easy on me
Well, as you can read in the title, I am angry. Very angry. Before I start with my story, I will share some backgound information:
-I am 23
-I go to group therapy for my anxiety disorder and personality disorder (don't think it's all that severe, but I guess I'm touching upon the "disorder" part)
-I live at home with my parents
-I go to school
----
I will tell two stories that all have something to do with my father. This past year in particular, I am not liking my father one bit and he is not liking me. We have our good moments, but we also have our bad moments. I'll start with the first bad moment of two weeks ago:
Story #1:
So my parents are going away on the 13th of November of this year for two weeks. They have this foundation in Africa were they help build up schools and farms. They sometimes ship stuff in containers to Africa. On a Saturday, another shipment would be sent off. And it was on a Thursday that I shall start this story, 3 days prior to the launching of that shipment.
On the Thursday in the evening, my father asked me if I could instal a computer for him, so he could put it on the container. I said I would do it, but not tonight, since I was tired from going to school all day. I would do it on the Friday.
So far everything was peaches.
I started working on the computer on saturday at around 13:00. Some troubles rose up that would hinder my progress. I tried till 17:00, but to no avail. I informed my father of this.
After dinner around 19:00, I tried again. It failed again. So at around 21:00 I downloaded some new software that would set the computer up right. The thing is, this downloading would probably take some time (perhaps 2 hours). I could do nothing in the meantime of those 2 hours, so I invited a friend of mine to come over so we could play a game. I did not tell my father this, allthough I already felt that this could prove to be problematic.
When my friend was sitting next to me behind my computer, my father came into my room, looking angry. He asked if the computer was ready yet. I said "no, it's not ready. I need to download some stuff that will probably take about another hour. In the meantime I'll go relax and play a videogame with my friend." I said this part a bit hesitantely, because I saw in my fathers eyes that he not really understood, and that the only thing he could think about was how this friend of mine probably was interfering with his mission, to have me fix that computer.
My father said nothing, closed the door and looked, glared, very angrily at my friend.
I already sensed that something was wrong.
A few minutes later, my father came in again, still looking very angry and told the following in a voice that barely could contain his anger: "Well, you guys must enjoy playing games. It must be really fun. But I ASKED YOU to fix that computer!! I DO NOT hope that this boy (pointing to my friend) will be here every night again for I do not enjoy his presence..."
Now, normally, I would succumb to my father's wishes. Normally, I would say "okay father" - I would close the game that we were playing, send my friend home and I would pretend to be able to work on that computer eventhough the download was still not finished, which means I cannot fix the computer yet. But atleast it would apease my father, preventing him from becoming even more angry.
I never really stood up to my father before. But I did do it at that moment!
I was filled with RAGE that would burst at any moment! My eyes widened angrily, I stopped breathing, I started shaking and told in a loud voice that enveloped the entire room... "I am still downloading!!! I CANNOT do something about the computer because it's still BUSY!!!! And HOW DARE YOU talk to MY friend like that! HE hasn't been here for HALF A YEAR!! And now, when he shows up after a LONG time, you barge in here and tell him you do not like him??! Do I treat your friends that way?! No! I will work on that ******* computer when I am done here!! NOW GO!"
My father stared into the room one more time and closed the door without saying anything. My friend was a bit suprised about all this, not understanding. He looked a bit huddled in fear, sitting next to me like that. He asked me: "Where did I go wrong to lose his respect?" I have no idea.
I was finally able to breathe again, my heart was racing like mad and I could not stop shaking. He insulted my friend! That ******* *******!
So I checked the download again, it was still 45 minutes before it was done. Me and my friend played the game till the download was finished and he went home.
I fixed the computer and everything was working as intended. I did not feel like fixing the computer to be honest, but I did. I promised I would.
About an hour later, my father came in my room again, asking me "Well? Is it finished?" speaking in the same angry voice. I said "Yes." without looking at him. He said "Thank you" in a way that clearly stated that he did not mean a word of gratitude and closed the door immideately.
I was angry about this for days! But, this was the first time I stood up to my father like this. And it felt amazingly good! I felt so much relieve and happyness! Normally, I would hold the anger when I submit to his immoral behaviour and I would be marked by his negative presence for days to come. I would not be able to concentrate on anything at all and would in general feel very unhappy.
As you might understand, this was a breakthrough for me.
---
The following weeks went by somewhat normally (as in, nothing that I'm not used to already)
But then, my father came to me again, and this time asked me to fix another computer, and if I could explain to his friend who would bring us this computer, how I do some certain things with a computer (like how to install windows). I agreed, but that I would have time at the end of my exam week. And that day is today. Today it is Thursday. This morning I had my last exam and was really tired, but I agreed to fix the computer tonight and that my father's friend, who would bring the laptop, could expect an explenation about how I did things on the computer.
But there was something wrong, again. I was feeling very angry again, and was thinking about before in my previous story. Thinking about "Why would I help my father's friend while he disrespects my own friends and treats them like crap? Why should I stay nice to his friends? Why do I not insult his friend like he did mine? Then he would know how I would feel."
But ofcourse, I could not bring myself to actually insult my father's friend. I don't want to be like my father, but I think I could've if I really wanted to. I was very angry though. I became more subdued during dinner, not talking, avoiding giving answers while I wrestled with my feelings on the inside. My parents must not have known what was wrong with me.
The friend of my father came with his computer, and I explained everything in detail, made him practice so that he would learn the best. But I was still very angry. I guess I showed this, but the friend of my father did not seem to mind that much, being greatfull for the help I was providing. My father was sitting next to him, drinking beer and making jokes.
A problem rose up with the network on Windows, and I could not solve it. I told the father of my friend this, and that I was sorry for not being able to fix his computer 100%. I asked him if I could be excused, and he said yes. I did not look at my father and left the room.
I called the same friend from before up a few minutes later, asked if we could hang out, because I needed to relax after all that work. He would come over. In those five minutes that followed up, I was immidiatly struck again by fear of my father. What if he came in the room again and order me around, asking me why I could not finish the computer? That my own friend was there again, preventing me from fixing the computer for a 100% (which is not true).
But my father did not come into the room. My friend left after a few hours. I went downstairs, saw my father, looking angry again, doing basically nothing. His friend was gone. I asked him if he wanted some tea. He did not respond. I asked him again, "do you want some tea?" He said in an angry tone "No..." - I knew he was angry again, and that I probably did something wrong again, so I left upstairs, and am now writing this.
Why am I writing this? When I wrote these problems, they don't seem to be that problematic in general, the problems itself that is. But what I do notice is the amount of anger.
Right now, I would love to go into my father's room and bash his head in with something. Make him scream in pain, hurt him, badly. I feel angry and sad. I know that the following days I will be hurt on the inside again, and I will not be nice to be around with, for I will be subdues, turned on the inside and feel unhappy. All, because my father was, apparently, not happy that I did not fix his friends computer for a 100% and immediatly after that went to play games with my friend.
I just wish this feeling could go away. Why am I so influenced by my father like this?
If some of you would be able to make any form of comment on this, I would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you