I am so angry all the time

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ThePsychologist

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Hey guys.

This will be a long one. I will be swearing in this topic.

This is the first time I'm posting in the "Miscellaneous Issues" board, so go easy on me :p

Well, as you can read in the title, I am angry. Very angry. Before I start with my story, I will share some backgound information:

-I am 23
-I go to group therapy for my anxiety disorder and personality disorder (don't think it's all that severe, but I guess I'm touching upon the "disorder" part)
-I live at home with my parents
-I go to school

----

I will tell two stories that all have something to do with my father. This past year in particular, I am not liking my father one bit and he is not liking me. We have our good moments, but we also have our bad moments. I'll start with the first bad moment of two weeks ago:

Story #1:

So my parents are going away on the 13th of November of this year for two weeks. They have this foundation in Africa were they help build up schools and farms. They sometimes ship stuff in containers to Africa. On a Saturday, another shipment would be sent off. And it was on a Thursday that I shall start this story, 3 days prior to the launching of that shipment.

On the Thursday in the evening, my father asked me if I could instal a computer for him, so he could put it on the container. I said I would do it, but not tonight, since I was tired from going to school all day. I would do it on the Friday.

So far everything was peaches.

I started working on the computer on saturday at around 13:00. Some troubles rose up that would hinder my progress. I tried till 17:00, but to no avail. I informed my father of this.

After dinner around 19:00, I tried again. It failed again. So at around 21:00 I downloaded some new software that would set the computer up right. The thing is, this downloading would probably take some time (perhaps 2 hours). I could do nothing in the meantime of those 2 hours, so I invited a friend of mine to come over so we could play a game. I did not tell my father this, allthough I already felt that this could prove to be problematic.

When my friend was sitting next to me behind my computer, my father came into my room, looking angry. He asked if the computer was ready yet. I said "no, it's not ready. I need to download some stuff that will probably take about another hour. In the meantime I'll go relax and play a videogame with my friend." I said this part a bit hesitantely, because I saw in my fathers eyes that he not really understood, and that the only thing he could think about was how this friend of mine probably was interfering with his mission, to have me fix that computer.

My father said nothing, closed the door and looked, glared, very angrily at my friend.

I already sensed that something was wrong.

A few minutes later, my father came in again, still looking very angry and told the following in a voice that barely could contain his anger: "Well, you guys must enjoy playing games. It must be really fun. But I ASKED YOU to fix that computer!! I DO NOT hope that this boy (pointing to my friend) will be here every night again for I do not enjoy his presence..."

Now, normally, I would succumb to my father's wishes. Normally, I would say "okay father" - I would close the game that we were playing, send my friend home and I would pretend to be able to work on that computer eventhough the download was still not finished, which means I cannot fix the computer yet. But atleast it would apease my father, preventing him from becoming even more angry.

I never really stood up to my father before. But I did do it at that moment!

I was filled with RAGE that would burst at any moment! My eyes widened angrily, I stopped breathing, I started shaking and told in a loud voice that enveloped the entire room... "I am still downloading!!! I CANNOT do something about the computer because it's still BUSY!!!! And HOW DARE YOU talk to MY friend like that! HE hasn't been here for HALF A YEAR!! And now, when he shows up after a LONG time, you barge in here and tell him you do not like him??! Do I treat your friends that way?! No! I will work on that ******* computer when I am done here!! NOW GO!"

My father stared into the room one more time and closed the door without saying anything. My friend was a bit suprised about all this, not understanding. He looked a bit huddled in fear, sitting next to me like that. He asked me: "Where did I go wrong to lose his respect?" I have no idea.

I was finally able to breathe again, my heart was racing like mad and I could not stop shaking. He insulted my friend! That ******* *******!

So I checked the download again, it was still 45 minutes before it was done. Me and my friend played the game till the download was finished and he went home.

I fixed the computer and everything was working as intended. I did not feel like fixing the computer to be honest, but I did. I promised I would.

About an hour later, my father came in my room again, asking me "Well? Is it finished?" speaking in the same angry voice. I said "Yes." without looking at him. He said "Thank you" in a way that clearly stated that he did not mean a word of gratitude and closed the door immideately.

I was angry about this for days! But, this was the first time I stood up to my father like this. And it felt amazingly good! I felt so much relieve and happyness! Normally, I would hold the anger when I submit to his immoral behaviour and I would be marked by his negative presence for days to come. I would not be able to concentrate on anything at all and would in general feel very unhappy.

As you might understand, this was a breakthrough for me.

---

The following weeks went by somewhat normally (as in, nothing that I'm not used to already)

But then, my father came to me again, and this time asked me to fix another computer, and if I could explain to his friend who would bring us this computer, how I do some certain things with a computer (like how to install windows). I agreed, but that I would have time at the end of my exam week. And that day is today. Today it is Thursday. This morning I had my last exam and was really tired, but I agreed to fix the computer tonight and that my father's friend, who would bring the laptop, could expect an explenation about how I did things on the computer.

But there was something wrong, again. I was feeling very angry again, and was thinking about before in my previous story. Thinking about "Why would I help my father's friend while he disrespects my own friends and treats them like crap? Why should I stay nice to his friends? Why do I not insult his friend like he did mine? Then he would know how I would feel."

But ofcourse, I could not bring myself to actually insult my father's friend. I don't want to be like my father, but I think I could've if I really wanted to. I was very angry though. I became more subdued during dinner, not talking, avoiding giving answers while I wrestled with my feelings on the inside. My parents must not have known what was wrong with me.

The friend of my father came with his computer, and I explained everything in detail, made him practice so that he would learn the best. But I was still very angry. I guess I showed this, but the friend of my father did not seem to mind that much, being greatfull for the help I was providing. My father was sitting next to him, drinking beer and making jokes.

A problem rose up with the network on Windows, and I could not solve it. I told the father of my friend this, and that I was sorry for not being able to fix his computer 100%. I asked him if I could be excused, and he said yes. I did not look at my father and left the room.

I called the same friend from before up a few minutes later, asked if we could hang out, because I needed to relax after all that work. He would come over. In those five minutes that followed up, I was immidiatly struck again by fear of my father. What if he came in the room again and order me around, asking me why I could not finish the computer? That my own friend was there again, preventing me from fixing the computer for a 100% (which is not true).

But my father did not come into the room. My friend left after a few hours. I went downstairs, saw my father, looking angry again, doing basically nothing. His friend was gone. I asked him if he wanted some tea. He did not respond. I asked him again, "do you want some tea?" He said in an angry tone "No..." - I knew he was angry again, and that I probably did something wrong again, so I left upstairs, and am now writing this.

Why am I writing this? When I wrote these problems, they don't seem to be that problematic in general, the problems itself that is. But what I do notice is the amount of anger.

Right now, I would love to go into my father's room and bash his head in with something. Make him scream in pain, hurt him, badly. I feel angry and sad. I know that the following days I will be hurt on the inside again, and I will not be nice to be around with, for I will be subdues, turned on the inside and feel unhappy. All, because my father was, apparently, not happy that I did not fix his friends computer for a 100% and immediatly after that went to play games with my friend.

I just wish this feeling could go away. Why am I so influenced by my father like this?

If some of you would be able to make any form of comment on this, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you
 
Try thinking about these situations from your father's point of view. He's providing for you into your 20s and from his perspective, it probably looks like you are blowing off his requests to just go have fun with your friend. Even though that's not how it really is that is how it looks to others. Just see it for what it is, a misunderstanding. It doesn't matter who's fault it is. If you can prevent future misunderstandings like this from happening then you won't have to deal with situations like this in the first place.
 
I think you need to communicate more effectively/openly and be less committal about what you agree to do for him and how long it will take. If you anticipate yourself being tired, then tell your father you need even more time to help him with things than you actually do so that his expectations are different. If you cannot fix a computer or do a certain task, communicate more openly about the limitations of what you're doing and assure him in a way so as to not seem like you aren't trying.

If you try to prevent this from happening by changing your behavior and communicating more effectively, and that doesn't work, it may never work and the only way to stop it could be to live on your own and change the way your father views your relationship.
 
I read enough of this post to respond, but you have a habit of writing too much to disinterested third parties that don't know you. You feel the need to write way too many ancillary details.

Almost everyone has a false perception of the themselves and the world. You say you are angry all the time, but that is not true, you cannot be angry all the time. At most you could be angry most the time. You should look into Buddhism to get a better conception of the function of mind. According to the Buddhist conception of the mind, one of its essential components is emptiness or dharmakaya. This does mean that the mind is nothing, but that it is like an empty vessel that is filled with a fleeting thought, then it resets to nothingness, allowing another thought to enter, then the next passing thought and it returns to nothingness again, and so on and so on. There is also the aspect of natural cognizance to the mind called sambhogakaya, since we are aware of our mind, our existence, and we can recognize the various thoughts passing through if we focus. These two aspects of mind combine in the nirmanakaya, the unity of emptiness of cognizance because it is important that they cannot exist separately, the mind cannot be pure emptiness with the exclusion of cognition, or pure cognition without emptiness.

Since the mind is essentially emptiness & cognizance it cannot be constantly fixed on one mental state -- anger. Another good place to look into would be the interviews, articles or books of Bruce Lipton. Alot of people, even those who are normally uniformly nice, will tend to lash out at moments when they lose control. According to Lipton this moments are when the milder conscious is distracted and overpowered by the more hostile, reptilian unconscious mind. If you examine closely, you will see that you do this yourself, likely, several times a day. We all say nasty things that we regret later, unless you are highly attained Buddhist practitioner and are much better at controlling such mental lapses.

You believe in the false notion that many Westerners have of inherent existence and independent origination. You believe you are independently angry and your father is innately hostile to you, but if you examine closely you will find this is not the case. Another thing on the opposite end of the spectrum Westerners believe in is a constant and fixed notion of love. The people who you love the most likely your family are also the people who at times(hopefully short in duration) you hate the most.
 
It's time to leave the nest bud. Try stretching your wings a bit and fly. You might fail a few times, but if you start making goals, work on finding a decent job, talking to people who might want to be room mates, you could probably move out.

I'm sure there's a lot of comfort to give up, but sounds like things just keep getting worse and worse?

Don't get trapped and become dependent on your parents if you have the means to make it on your own. And if you don't have the means, start working on them, right now. Even if you only use 10% of all that rage and anger towards the positive goals of trying to improve your situation by distancing yourself from your father, that's progress. Then maybe it will 20% percent. When enough time goes by you can see your plan come to flourish, see it through, and fly the nest for good.

Your father won't be able to rely on you for help anymore, and THEN and ONLY then will he respect the work that you did for him, because now you arn't obligated to do it anymore. He'll never respect anything you do for him while he's providing for you. That's just how it is. It means he hasn't done his job yet, you can't take care of yourself. Once your out and on your own, sure it won't be easy, but hard work sure feels alot better at the end of the day, then working hard and being afraid all of the time.

Plus the more this honeysuckle goes on the more it strains the father son relationship and the harder it will be to mend.

Get a piece of paper, a pencil, and some goals. Make a plan and then start working on it. Even if it takes a while to see the plan through till it's end, in times of stress you can be confident in knowing there IS somethign you can do and your working on it, rather then thinking about the thing you can't do anythign about "your father" and letting that discourage you further.

Your decent enough with computers, your going to school, you seem like your capable of holding a job, and your learning that you can stand up for yourself. All good things. Focus on those aspects, apply some goals that match them, create a plan, and don't stop working on that plan till it's finished. Can't do anything about your father, he's not going to change. But he'll sure as hell respect the work you've done once you don't owe it to him anymore in his mind. And even then maybe he won't respect how've you helped him, but at least by then you'll be away from him making a life for yourself. You'll be too busy with how ******* awesome the rest of your life is going to be to waste time worrying about stupid computers and nasty looks and petty bull honeysuckle like that that happens inside of the 4 walls.

Good luck to you. Focus on what you CAN do something about, not the things you CAN'T do anything about.
 
He's your father, he worked his ass off to feed you and raise you. Even though it was wrong for him not to understand that the computer was downloading the necessary files, it's his house anyway; you should try to comprehend him.

If it wasn't for all my video games, electronics, food, clothing, and a new car I was promised, I would have told my own father to F off anytime. :)
 
I'm sorry your going through that with your dad. I agree with what Kat in that you should try to communicate more effectively. I know adults that are usually their 40's or 50's are not exactly tech friendly and they need further explanation about computers and what not. Also it's not always best to respond to anger with anger, it only escalates things further. But how about your mom? Does she anything about what's going on between you and your Dad? Maybe you can explain things to her and your feelings about it excluding the head bashing part of course lol.
 
I don't know you but I read through all that, long as it was. I find this father/son dynamic interesting. I've read a lot about it since my father was rarely ever around and died when I was 14. From what I've learned over the years is that fathers and sons grow apart, where as when you were a little boy you probably idolized your father and looked up to him. When boys reach puberty they tend to turn away from their fathers, as a way of asserting themselves as men.

You're 23 now and an adult, yet you are still living under your fathers rule, his house. There's probably more tension there with him.

You mentioned in the first part of your story you said you told your father you would work on the computer on Friday, yet started it on Saturday. This is probably the start of your problem. You put if off a day later then you said you would. That probably made your father angry, like you were shoving off what you said you'd do. Not very adult of you, so now your father is probably seeing you as that irresponsible boy instead of a man.

Having your friend over was probably a bad idea, as you mentioned it probably made him feeling you were more interested in playing video games with your friend then doing what you said you'd do. I don't know how computer literate your father is, so he probably doesn't understand the process.

You standing up to your father is just your "balls dropping" you felt the need to assert yourself. Dangerous territory. It's a good thing you didn't insult your father's friend. On that end you once again called your friend over. Now your father probably thinks you just gave up on working on his friends computer to spite him. Obviously your father thinks you are a whiz at computers or else he wouldn't have asked you to fix his friends computer. Who knows, maybe you bragged to his friend that you could fix it, you couldn't so it then made him probably feel like a tool, and as mentioned you invited a friend over.

Maybe a better tactic would have been to sit down with your father and explain to him what you were doing BEFORE you invited your friend over, and asking him if he was okay with that first. Just to show you still have respect for him in his home. When you couldn't fix his friends computer a good thing would have to explain it in more detail why you couldn't, if you didn't and not have invited your friend over so quickly.

Those are just my observations, I'm no expert since I've never experienced it myself. Just my observation from reading literature and listening to friends who have fathers.

You're not angry all the time, it's just you and your dad butting heads. Maybe having a sit down with him and talking man to man might help air things out.
 

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