Living life with no friends, perpetual state of stuck, what's the solution?

I'll be 21 in 3 days. I haven't had real life friends since age 15. I dropped out of high school at 16. For a long time I would stay in my house doing nothing but sleeping or using the internet. I guess you could say I kinda dropped out of life for a while, but there wasn't anything holding me back- I could have did a 180 the next day, I just chose not to, because I knew it wouldn't matter. What I was looking for didn't exist to me. Teenage crushes and going to parties with groups of people was never an option to me, still isn't, but I don't care now because I'm drug free and have a clean background. Not doing anything with my life at that time got old after a year or three, so I went back to get a G.E.D. to show my parents I was still smart. I can relate a little bit to people who say they are shut-ins, like the one guy who said he was a shut-in since 1999. I can easily go outside and stuff though, and I don't live in a cardboard box or anything like that. There's no bars on my windows.

I can understand some people who say they hate life and waking up every day, to another day of being miserable. I have road blocks in almost every part of my life, between trying to find employment to deciding on wether or not to persue higher education, experiencing relationships and going on dates with the opposite sex for the first time, connecting to the opposite sex for the very first time, and so on. These are huge road blocks for me, I don't know how to deal with them, I feel helpless. Humans are social creatures. I don't see it possible to keep living like this, with not being able to connect to anybody. Forcing myself to be social with someone is like forcing something that isn't meant to be.

After a while, you can drown it out with using the internet, watching movies or playing music, or any other hobby, especially solo hobbies. This is what most of the people I read about do in these predicaments. I don't believe a person blaming themselves for all their hardships in life is exactly the answer, I just don't.

What's the solution for everybody on this site and all over the internet that has no friends at all? Through google I can pull up all kinds of blogs, forum posts, youtube videos, comments, whatever, so many people out there that claim they are stuck in this situation. How does this affect our culture? Do you just stay at home in your room everyday doing nothing? What Do you just accept it and continue to live a double life of being satisfied on the outside but resentful on the inside and wanting to pop?

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/been-living-as-a-shut-in-since-1999-a-129423/

The great Winston Wu actually did a project on what he calls Social disconnectedness in America.

Don't under-estimate "Loners"

http://intellectualexpat.blogspot.com/2010/10/why-loners-are-more-sane-and-authentic.html

Loneliness and mental illness, an epidemic in America

http://www.happierabroad.com/ebook/Page41.htm

Ostracized from society, ostracized from life? "blaming yourself, not always the answer"

[video=youtube]

[video=youtube]

A shut-in who feels rejected from life

[video=youtube]

I can sort of relate. I myself the last time I had a real friend was since I was 11.

I, on the other hand am doing a 180 degree turn, and it is working out quite well. If you try your best, and still can't overcome, try going to a doc who might help; might be a chemical problem.

Everyone has roadblocks, some overcome it, some don't and get help, some don't and don't even want to try again. There is a solution to everything.

Good luck.

Dear Firebird,

I just read and listened to all your links.

Good stuff. Very interested and enlightening.

And I thank you for it because I realize I am a bit of a hermit! I am 44, I do go out but stay home a lot, no outside job, etc. In many ways I am a hermit even though I have a little bit of a social life and a bf, etc.

Anyways, you are young. There is hope. It is waaaay too soon to give in now. I was painfully shy and self conscious when I was younger. You get better, I promise. Well, I guess some do not but I think you can get better. It just takes practice.

The guy you had in the videos I enjoyed his talks. I didn't find him unappealing at all. I enjoyed his sincerity and thoughts. He was intelligent. And I agree with him totally, we need to be a more loving, friendly, caring, less judgmental society. I totally agree with that.

AND, although I've always been someone to talk to anyone, I am going to make it a point to say "hello" to anyone who is outside the box...that is those who are old, or are unattractive, or shy or whatever. I will do it. We need to be better and more loving to all.

im very young myself. I can only relate alittle here because im still in highschool and i know a couple people there (15+). For me even though I may know more than 10+ people in school, I don't go out much, last time I went out with friends was in may, I got high, parents were so into my ******* business that they checked my text and thought my friend was gay, later, finding I got high, so until I get a car, no more Anyway, . I don't mind but since I don't have a dedicated internet connection and my xbox 360 im very vulnerable to self-damnation (I blame my parents on the internet connection thing, their so selfish when it comes to my hobbies).

I'm not exactly saying that I am giving in or anything like that. What I've realized is that I have no way out of this. I don't really know how to describe how it is to just not have any friends, or socialize with people outside of your family. I don't consider family as friends either. Family will always be connected to you. I mean more on the outside world. Friends friends. People you meet in school, work, wherever. I've been alone in that aspect going on 7 years now. With no "friends", as your kind calls them. Friends to me are people non-related that you see and talk to in person, share things with, life stories, experiences. I'm just one of those souls who blends in. Nobody cares about me or my existance. When I see people my age together at malls and street corners, I see what I never had. It might be hard to believe, but the fact is, I've been completely alone, for so very long. And based on that, I am certain it will never end. I have accepted the fact that I am eccentric at times, and you may hear me ramble about females alot, but I have issues with people in general. Even the friendship sphere in our society is screwed up. Because people are still superficial. Then you have the media saying that loners are dangerous, lonely people are dangers to society. That's alot of hogwash. That's like you stealing from someone, and then making everyone else get on your side and make the victim look like the bad guy. It's all sickening to me.

My true youth is running out, I'm 21 now, but it's fading every second. It's not like I could ever hide my lonesome past from people, I don't really believe in that mentality. I believe in being honest and upfront, not putting on acts to impress others. The problem is you can't be yourself today, without the risk of getting persecuted. For the last few years I've been persecuted by my own family, especially my dad, but that's another issue.

I'm not a social person, I don't have an interest in keeping conversations going, only if the person is a certain type, like me. If it's an aggressive person who is always chattering, and acting sarcastic, chances are I probably won't mesh well with that person, and that's on their judgement. Not mine. I'd like to still connect to those types, but if they don't accept me for who I am, I am SOL.

I don't even know why I ramble about this, when I have never really been in a situation like that except for work environments. I don't know anybody my age, nor have I grown, adapted or had connections to people in my age range, it's always me and only me, in my dark dissapointing world, wishing things could have been different. Wishing I could be in a place where everything was fair, and balanced, satisfying and safe for everyone, but it was never meant to be. For non-existant socializing, again, haven't for years. That did and still does damage me, and make me resentful sometimes.

It's easy for a soul like me to get so down that I start questioning my existance and contemplate locking myself away and forgetting about everything that life has to offer and finding happiness, and the enjoyment (to normal people, ordinary basic and bland) things.

My feelings on life as we know it, shift, from time to time too, when I see what's going on in our world today. When that hits the unsatisfying life I have no choice but to live and make the best of, it tares me up. But, I am powerless, so I let it sink in and after a while soak out.

Friendships and relationships are something I desire like everyone else, but when they are unattainable, of course you are going to be hurt about it. For me, it's numbed, but the scars remain.

Maybe the solution for me is as simple as getting out more, me, I think there's alot more to it. Hence the part where the man in the videos talks about life and destiny, and certain things that are beyond our control.

Not to sound mean or anything, but I think, and after so much reading I've done on here on the archives, there's alot of users here that clearly have nothing wrong in their lives, but they still feel the need to stick around the internet, like they have some kind of agenda. Not me, I have real issues with loneliness and having no contact with the outside world. For me, it's like being chained up, with no way to move. But again, it's damaged me so bad, I get used to it, and when it gets unbearable, I push it away as hard as I can until it hits me again. I could probably do a 4 hour interview with someone about how dissapointing and scraping by my life has been in the last decade. It's not fun.

It shouldn't take much effort to be friends with someone/s, and get to know people and get-togethers, but for some souls, it's a puzzle that will almost never be cracked.

I'm one of those users who nowadays has 'no problems' in my life, but I once had severe sociophobia. I sympathize with many things in the previous post, but note one simple sentence that really does make socializing difficult.

"I'm not a social person, I don't have an interest in keeping conversations going, only if the person is a certain type, like me."

If you don't have an interest in people except those like yourself and don't try to keep conversations going, then is it very surprising that you won't be socializing a lot? Which usually involves talking?

To sum it up in just one phrase: It's hard, but it's possible.

You just gotta do it, force yourself to get out there. You've gotta hone you're social skills; the only way to do that is by talking to others. It's a big struggle, especially the beginning, but after a while it becomes easier.

You could try going out to a church nearby you. Or a social event like bazaars. Even hang out at the library and read books on how to make friends and where to find some. Yeah, college is a pretty great place to meet new people.


I've actually been a recluse for three years, I think. Not a total one, but yeah. I've ignored a bunch of my friends, just hating every minute that slowly ticked by.... stayed home all day surfing the net. I had a job but I couldn't handle it anymore because I hated seeing people. People have hurt me in the past too. The scars did remain. I couldn't forgive my dad for a long, long time. I guess I did crack up a bit and slowly, I liked being alone at home with the computer in front of me. It was so comfortable...! But then, my parents dragged me out forcefully and I had to go to church... this time, I had to get to know people. Slowly, I did. I wasn't the most social person in the world. In fact, I've been depressed for seven years. That's what could happen if you're always alone, feeling alone, feeling down and wondering why you're just a nobody and why nobody wants to hang out with you and such.

You've got to join something. Go around town, and I'm sure there are flyers stuck up somewhere on the wall with meetings about dancing and card games... Honestly, I never knew how many bizarre and awesome events there were in my town.

As you get older, you will have less and less people that you can truly confide in. But still, you get multiple batch. Honestly, sometimes you can get friends who go shopping with you. You can get ones who like to play sports with you, ones who travel with you, ones who confide all their secrets in you... list goes on. The main thing is you have to confide in them and not let little things they say to you trip you up. If someone makes a nasty remark about you, just make a joke about and slide it off. But if it persists, then those are the kind of people you don't want to be around with. You will see who is real and who is not one day as you get to know many people.

You're not powerless. You're not. You've got two feet to stand on and you have two hands to type up all those things you've just wrote so don't think yourself as a powerless person. Also, God gives strength to those who ask for it so don't feel powerless. You're not alone in this. Go out there and win!!

And hey, you're still learning and maturing. You're only 21. I'm younger than you, and I'm still learning as well. There's still a lot to see out there. Don't become trapped inside loneliness.

If you want to, go travel. Go on those programs where you can stay in France for a year and live on the farm and work there. Your life will totally change from it, even though you might not be able to speak French fluently You can get interesting facts and become more experienced that way about the world.

Well alcohol certainly isn't the answer, believe me...Although I still enjoy a tipple ! Well I suffer from PTSD (no I wasn't in the Middle East) from something that happened long ago and as a result I have bad anxiety and some days find it hard to leave the house. I've come to terms with my situation once I stopped trying to be what others and society expected of me. Which is to say there is no right or wrong way to live a life.. it's entirely up to you. If you want to change things then do so if not then accept who and what you are. Only advice I can give really.

firebird85 said:

it's a puzzle that will almost never be cracked.

Click to expand...

I relate to every word u said, It feels like inside ur head and soul a dark cold place that no one shares with u or care that u even exist, I have no friends too , used to but not anymore, it kills me to feel this lonely

firebird85 said:

Then you have the media saying that loners are dangerous, lonely people are dangers to society.

Click to expand...

Firebird, loners are dangerous to the structure of society because they are outsiders looking in. This gives them a unique perspective which can lead them to develop social insights that can pave the way for revolution and revolt. As much as society claims to love thinkers, I believe society despises them because they are more difficult to brainwash into compliance. As social animals, it is suspicious when one strays from the pack...intentionally. Just some food for thought.

Have you ever tried volunteer work to get you out a bit more? That would be my first suggestion. It helped me.

It seems to me that 98% of people out there are incompatible with me. They think I'm normal but after a while there's a good chance they will notice that I'm severely quiet and think I'm a mute or psycho. Sure, on the outside everything is fine, this is because if I be myself I'd be just depressed, and angry, awkward, and if I told people about my past and ongoing loneliness they would shy away and ignore me. In today's society if you are lonely you are supposed to blame yourself for it, not the faulty culture or the way other people are towards you. After all, EVERYTHING that happens to us is ALWAYS OUR OWN fault (rolls eyes). As far as the girls thing goes, well, they could care less about me. I was reading a PUA forum and one guy basically confirmed what I had already known, and posted to a thread here, that if you have no friends of either gender, it's pretty much female repellent, unfortunately. Because we all know that's the most important thing, not the person you are with, but what they have (rolls eyes).

The artificiality of this society is all BS and illusion. The way most people think and do things today is really absurd these days. What good is getting out more supposed to do? I'm already getting out now. If I'm not around people of my age range, it's WORTHLESS to me. Pointless. I'm trying to recover what I never had growing up. Some people around my age who I can shake hands with and speak with, living breathing females, maybe it's too much to ask for?

I can relate to your posts very much. I've had largely untreated long term depression for about 8 years. I have low self esteem and I have obsessive negative thoughts that I am working on. I also have social anxiety. More recently I decided that I was going to try to overcome my social anxiety, and basically the way to do that is to face it in little steps and to practice by talking people.

Similarly, you have to start talking to people little by little if you want friends. If you're not interested in talking to other people, get interested. I think one of my problems, maybe yours also, is that I felt and still feel a little bit sometimes that in a social event I am disconnected emotionally, over-analyzing and looking at feelings like facts instead of just feeling in the moments.

For a long time and for various reasons I didn't really have any hobbies, I didn't feel like I was very interesting and there wasn't much going on for me besides being lonely and my abusive past. I decided that I needed some hobbies and activities to do that if someone started a conversation with me I would have something else going on in my life besides my depression.

What I've done in recent months is start volunteering in an ER in a hospital. Each week I have a 4 hour shift and each time the days approach that I will need to go there, I start feeling my social anxiety. Each time I tell myself while I'm there I have to talk to at least one person. So maybe in a few months I'll expand that goal and make it so that I have to talk to three people. I've also started taking dancing classes, and I'm trying to talk to people more at work to initiate some friendships there.

Yes, some parts of society are flawed, and yes you were treated wrongly by some people as a child, but unless you want to continue to make those incidents who you are, you have to focus on something else that makes you happy and leads you to be social.

Firebird, I just want to say that I appreciate your honesty and societal views. You seem unwilling to wear any kind of facade or fake your way through social situations and that is admirable. You are genuine and that's really cool. I wish I could find real friends like you who see through society the way that I do. It's much easier to reject convention when you are not alone. But that's the way it usually happens, I suppose.

I am sorry life isn't what you expected it to be and I am sorry your situation isn't where you want it to be. We all have to answer these questions eventually. If we do nothing we will not gain anything. But if we attempt to fix the things we find problems with. No matter how bad or serious I think we has people do gain ground. Gaining ground is what counts. Day by Day little by little. Eventually it piles up till it pays off on its own. Below is a few things I learned in life I hope it helps you out.

Income- Make a living in something you love in life and is part of a dream you have. Its better then working a job that stresses you one you love is not work its a joy.

Friends- Find the people that have your interests then go from there. Whatever your interests maybe go to where they are done at or are made at. People around your age absorb themselfs into their interests to entertain themselfs. Theres alot in common with something like this and can be a never ending source of small talk to bonding over. From there go out to places and try all those things you always wanted to do with friends

Emotions- Trust yourself you have complete free will and your life is in your hands so is your emotions. If you think of negative things and view life negatively its going to seem bad and depression will instantly kick in. If you think postive thoughts and reinforce it with postive memorys it will 180 your emotions towards good things. Its not instant but its better then dwelling on negative thoughts that sink you and further drag you down.

Time- Do not worry about the future you have no idea what will happen if it hadn't happen yet. This will stop alot of anxiety and what ifs and what may happen. You control your present and for you live within the present you can make your future in the present. Stay in the direction you want to go and do not get off track. If you get off track get back on and keep going you will achieve things by progressing on them in dedication and not giving up.

What if I can't make friends because besides me attempting to make some friends, there are *no* people to make friends with in the first place! ever thought of that? There are no groups or anything of the sort in my area. There is nothing.

I haven't had friends in 7 years.

firebird85 said:

What if I can't make friends because besides me attempting to make some friends, there are *no* people to make friends with in the first place! ever thought of that? There are no groups or anything of the sort in my area. There is nothing.

I haven't had friends in 7 years.

Click to expand...

There is no church in your area? You've made it clear that you are evidently a Protestant Christian. At the very least, there is that default gathering.

If I go to church it's not to meet potential dates. I really don't know what to do. I can't live the next 50 years with absolutely no friends, and not even the chance of having 1 girlfriend before I die.

That's like what George Sodini did.

When the same old **** doesn't work, switch it up.
Go bold, bro.

And then you look at all the people online who say they have no friends, and everyone starts talking to them, it's like people have to hit rock bottom and get to the point where they go insane just to get noticed by others. If I went to some counselor right now they'd start feeling all sorry for me and pitying.

If you're a friendless person in the background of life like me, nobody cares. I blame that on society, american society because instead of coming together we're all concerned about ourselves instead of each other. Like when you're told suicide is a cry for help. That's like when someone knows someone is suicidal, but they do nothing about it, and when the person finally kills themself they wish they could have helped.