I am 20 years old. I have pretty much no talent in anything other than music and its the only thing in life that is keeping me happy right now. I am a guitarist that plays in a heavymetal band and I am also going to college for backup. May sound like a pretty well planned life, but I have lots of serious emotional problems and I feel like they are getting worse by the days. My life is complete mess. I don't have many friends. Sometimes I feel like I do, but other times I feel like no one cares about me. I was an extremely late bloomer and didn’t start socializing and hanging out frequently till 12th grade. I’ve never been in love, at all. I dated a girl once for about a week and then she slowly lost interest in me. And I had sex once with some other girl and that’s about it. I feel like a relationship is something I could really use right now because even though I’ve never had a girlfriend before I could still imagine what it feels like for someone to actually love you and care about your existence.
I am a naturally good-hearted person but I am so emotionally unstable and sensitive. I sometimes sit in my room and think about life and bawl into tears. My depression gets so bad sometimes it just stops me from doing everything and I end up not doing schoolwork or practicing guitar for days and no matter how hard I try I just don’t have the mental energy to do it. I lack such self confidence and social skills. In fact there is probably nothing I am worse at than socializing. Many say I am a very tall attractive guy. I would take advantage of it but I just so ******* shy and its so hard to keep a conversation with people. Most people hate me because I am just too quiet and claim me as being weird and creepy. One time my friend tried to hook me up with this girl, she saw a picture of me and she was instantly turned off stating I was too old for her and I was ugly as fresia. And hearing that made my confidence plummet to rock bottom. And when I get into these bad moods I start to mope around and put myself down in every possible way. When this occurs I feel like I cannot find a way to snap out of it. Every time this happens I promise myself I won’t do it again and it just keeps coming back again and again. Its because they are all so much better than me at socializing, and also the fact that I am older than all of them, which is the crazier thing.
I am not the kind of person who is cool just with being an outcast and being alone in life. That thing is called loneliness you know. But it looks like I am headed towards that regardless because I’m too shy and I have no hope of finding anyone who will accept me for who I am, especially a girl. I just don’t get it, I am so innocent and harmless. I am never acknowledged by anyone. Its like I am just invisible to humanity. I even feel like a complete failure while I type all of this.
I am a naturally good-hearted person but I am so emotionally unstable and sensitive. I sometimes sit in my room and think about life and bawl into tears. My depression gets so bad sometimes it just stops me from doing everything and I end up not doing schoolwork or practicing guitar for days and no matter how hard I try I just don’t have the mental energy to do it. I lack such self confidence and social skills. In fact there is probably nothing I am worse at than socializing. Many say I am a very tall attractive guy. I would take advantage of it but I just so ******* shy and its so hard to keep a conversation with people. Most people hate me because I am just too quiet and claim me as being weird and creepy. One time my friend tried to hook me up with this girl, she saw a picture of me and she was instantly turned off stating I was too old for her and I was ugly as fresia. And hearing that made my confidence plummet to rock bottom. And when I get into these bad moods I start to mope around and put myself down in every possible way. When this occurs I feel like I cannot find a way to snap out of it. Every time this happens I promise myself I won’t do it again and it just keeps coming back again and again. Its because they are all so much better than me at socializing, and also the fact that I am older than all of them, which is the crazier thing.
I am not the kind of person who is cool just with being an outcast and being alone in life. That thing is called loneliness you know. But it looks like I am headed towards that regardless because I’m too shy and I have no hope of finding anyone who will accept me for who I am, especially a girl. I just don’t get it, I am so innocent and harmless. I am never acknowledged by anyone. Its like I am just invisible to humanity. I even feel like a complete failure while I type all of this.
