Having trouble talking to people

I have found for a while now i have trouble thinking of anything to say to people, i don't have anyone to talk in real life so i mainly try to here but i find myself sitting in chat trying to be part of that but i cannot manage it.

I feel like what ever i say is stupid and not worth saying and also a lot of the time i cannot get the words right to put together a coherent sentence in time to respond to what someone has said in chat, i try to answer posts on this forum and i find my self just making up a post and then deleting it because i feel like it does not convey what i meant to say.
Its there in my head but when i try to write it out i cannot seem to make sense of it.

I wanted to post some things in that thread about "what you like about other forum members" but after trying about 10 times to write something i just gave up, i also kinda felt like even though i see those people as my friends i am not really sure they would think the same way so it worries me to say something about them.
I think part of me thinks that the great way you all seem to chat to each other is the way i communicate with you all but i know deep down it is not the same.

In real life i start to stutter and cannot pronounce words right or my mind goes blank and i cannot think of anything to say when i am around people i think it may due to anxiety as when i am by myself i can think of things to say but when people are involved i just cant do it it like all my memory becomes confused and i can see tons of different things from my memory so many of which i cannot pick one out to respond with.
It does not help that i can remember perfectly every time someone has said something negative no matter how long ago it was with perfect clarity like its happening to me right now.
Which makes me feel worse and worse as i just feel like people think i am stupid so i try to think positive and think next time it will be different but it never is.
I cant also seem to express any emotion and even though a very close friend of mine passed away last week i cannot seem to feel anything i felt really sad for a split second and tried to cry but then i just shut down.
I don't think i really talk to people about my problems as i don't like being a downer as i kinda sense that people here are getting tired of me and my issues.

It may be just that i need to try to find a new place to belong or something but i end up feeling the same way whenever i stay in one place for too long.

I don't really know what to do about it and i wondered if people have had the same feelings and managed to solve it.

(i am thinking this whole post is stupid but decided to post it anyway plus it took me over an hour to write)

I experience the exact same thing.. you describe it so well..

I am sorry though, unfortunately know no way to solve it.. I will keep to check this thread, to see what advice people give.

The post is not stupid at all, by the way

I have the same problem.
Your post is really good, you express your thoughts and feelings very clearly.
Like most of us, you are an iceberg with most of your qualities hidden under a layer of anxiety and fear.

I did'nt find the post stupid at all. I think you can express yourself quite clearly. What about people you've known for a long time, do you have trouble when talking to them? Maybe a speech therapist (known as speech-language pathologist) can help you out. Here's a helpful webpage ( http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=114&np=306&id=1877)
You know about the chatroom, the people there know each other well I think so they know what to say, I think anyone new will feel stupid and having nothing to say, speaking for myself that is how i feel.
Maybe you can practice getting a good flow of thought by writing, you can write about anything you want.
I am familiar with feeling dead emotionally myself, and what I do about that is try and release emotions I've locked up inside however painful because I realised that was the main problem that was making me emotionally dead.

Thank you all for the kind words .

I will take a look at what you suggested thank you.

You are giving yourself such a hard time! I'm sure the things that you say aren't "all wrong". You've got to trust yourself.

I used to have the same problems while talking to people (and still do, at times) but it's a a matter of being you and having trust in yourself. People can always tell when you are confident about what you are saying and they are responsive to that! Just talk how you normally would to say your family or someone you are most comfortable with. It took me forever to learn this, but being yourself truly is the best remedy to social problems.

Like sorat says, you're being very hard on yourself! But when you have a problem relating to other people it's very easy to be hard on yourself.

I'd like to share something that's helped me out when talking with people in person, and then I'll talk about posting in forums on this site or in the chat room. I have another good strategy for when you have been introduced to a group of people you don't know and I can share that if you'd like.

I also had a lot of trouble knowing what to say to people. Having nothing to say can be terrifying. A lot of people will tell you to ask people questions about themselves. The problem with this is that you get stuck asking questions. It turns into an interview. You wrack your brain trying to think of more questions. This is stressful for you and for them because they're under a lot of pressure to answer. Try it this way instead:

Statement -> Question -> They Answer -> Statement -> Question -> They Answer
(Repeat)

Let's say you meet someone for the first time and you don't know anything about them except their name. You *could* ask what they do. However it's much more fun if you have a guess at what they do! For example, "You look like a doctor." You don't need a reason. "Because... well, you just strike me as a doctor." It doesn't matter that this is coming out of nowhere and has no reason. People love hearing about how they appear to other people. And in fact what you guess is totally legitimate because it's probably swum up from your subconscious, based on some mix of how they dress, how they speak, what their body language is like.

After your statement, then you can ask, "What do you actually do?" The beauty of this is that you're not just asking some throwaway question. You've put your effort into looking at them and actually saying your impression of them. You've committed something about yourself to the conversation and that's really important. However, if you can't think of *any* statement to make about them, just ask them a question and then that will get you started.

Let's say they respond with, "Actually I'm an architecture student." Here's some things you might say:
- "Wow, I've heard that architecture courses are really intense!" -> "What's your course like?"
- "You know, I've always loved the old Victorian English architecture." -> "Do you have a favourite style of architecture?"
- "That's really cool, I bet you get to go on trips to other countries to see their architecture." -> "Have you been on anything like that? Or if not, where would you go?"

A lot of the time you don't even need to have the question on the end. They will just chime in.

This might sound like some cynical attempt to manipulate other people into being your friend, but honestly, it has helped me so much. And it makes the conversation more of a two-person interaction. Because whenever you make a statement it has to come from inside you. That means you are committing to the conversation (I'm repeating myself but it's important to me so I'll say it again). When you commit something of yourself to another person that really makes an impression. You're not just rolling through the "Oh, someone new, I can't really be bothered so I'll ask all of the same old boring questions that this person has answered a hundred times."

Normally you'll find a good conversation topic and hit it off. Alternatively if you just don't get along with the person you can gracefully excuse yourself. If the conversation dries up but you want to keep talking to them you can make a statement about something else. Maybe your surroundings, or what you're doing at the time, or how much you love cats.

When I first started doing this I would go to a coffee shop and sit so I could see out the front window and watch the people walking past. I would write down my opening statement about them on a little notepad. Eventually I started to get better at it.

As for the stutter - personally I think a good conversation is a good conversation regardless of any verbal tics on the part of either person. I don't know much about stutters. If it's a nerves issue then hopefully getting more comfortable in conversation will help? If not then if someone refuses to talk to you because of your stutter then they're not worth talking to.
__

As for being on this forum. Every time I make a post I worry about how it will be received. This one especially because it's long and a bit preachy. Sometimes I do delete my posts. But people will appreciate the fact that you took the time to post (as long as you're not insulting them or anything). After all your time is valuable and the fact that you care enough to reply to someone is something they should appreciate. And if they don't then nobody has lost anything either way and one of the other posters certainly will appreciate it.

For being on chat - sometimes chat goes by too quickly for you to respond on time. Maybe you can practise by having a conversation with individual members, where you're not under any pressure to respond quickly? I'm sure lots of people in chat would be willing to do that. LIKE ME LOLOLOL. Really though.

As for not feeling or expressing emotions... I'm going to leave that one alone as I don't really know what to say about it. However I hope that's been helpful and not too condescending or anything. I spent like a long time writing this XD

lots of people in chat would be willing to do that. LIKE ME LOLOLOL. Really though.

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hahahha me too y'know

NightHawkJohn said:

I have found for a while now i have trouble thinking of anything to say to people, i don't have anyone to talk in real life so i mainly try to here but i find myself sitting in chat trying to be part of that but i cannot manage it.

I feel like what ever i say is stupid and not worth saying and also a lot of the time i cannot get the words right to put together a coherent sentence in time to respond to what someone has said in chat, i try to answer posts on this forum and i find my self just making up a post and then deleting it because i feel like it does not convey what i meant to say.
...

I don't really know what to do about it and i wondered if people have had the same feelings and managed to solve it.

Click to expand...

Hi John,

I'm glad that several have already agreed that this isn't a stupid post. Frankly, I believe everyone has and does suffer from this to some degree. I similarly had an issue with anxiety about talking and saying the right things, getting tongue tied and slow to respond. I rarely feel that way now and essentially it's because I have gradually shed my concern about what other people think. I think that sorat116 stated a good point about this. It is so key to recover true belief in yourself and the importance of your own opinion & judgment. If you don't have an opinion, than unless it's something you're interested in, maybe it's not that important. You could change your mind too. It's good you're aware that you've been harshly criticized and put down too many times. You have to realize they were bullshit insecure people, lashing out from whoever hurt them. The truth is what YOU think IS important and unless what you say is harmful to others, it really doesn't matter what every person thinks. But you'll find any sane person will listen and understand you even if it's not articulated in the best way possible. So the way out of it is fully recovering your own certainty about yourself and stop giving undue importance to the temporary ramblings of disturbed people. You have power and importance. When you know this and are not introverted by what others MIGHT think, communication improves greatly because it's real and natural. I hope that makes sense - what do you think?

NightHawkJohn said:

I have found for a while now i have trouble thinking of anything to say to people, i don't have anyone to talk in real life so i mainly try to here but i find myself sitting in chat trying to be part of that but i cannot manage it.

I feel like what ever i say is stupid and not worth saying and also a lot of the time i cannot get the words right to put together a coherent sentence in time to respond to what someone has said in chat, i try to answer posts on this forum and i find my self just making up a post and then deleting it because i feel like it does not convey what i meant to say.
Its there in my head but when i try to write it out i cannot seem to make sense of it.
...
In real life i start to stutter and cannot pronounce words right or my mind goes blank and i cannot think of anything to say when i am around people i think it may due to anxiety as when i am by myself i can think of things to say but when people are involved i just cant do it it like all my memory becomes confused and i can see tons of different things from my memory so many of which i cannot pick one out to respond with.
It does not help that i can remember perfectly every time someone has said something negative no matter how long ago it was with perfect clarity like its happening to me right now.
Which makes me feel worse and worse as i just feel like people think i am stupid so i try to think positive and think next time it will be different but it never is.
I cant also seem to express any emotion and even though a very close friend of mine passed away last week i cannot seem to feel anything i felt really sad for a split second and tried to cry but then i just shut down.
I don't think i really talk to people about my problems as i don't like being a downer as i kinda sense that people here are getting tired of me and my issues.
...
I don't really know what to do about it and i wondered if people have had the same feelings and managed to solve it.

Click to expand...

Hi John,

I'm glad that several have already agreed that this isn't a stupid post. Frankly, I believe everyone suffers from this to some degree at times. I had a similar issue with anxiety about communicating and saying the right things, getting tongue tied or slow to respond. I rarely feel that way now and essentially it's because I have gradually shed my concern about what other people think. I think that sorat116 stated a very good point about this. I think it is so key to recover true belief in yourself and the importance of your own opinion & judgment. If you don't have an opinion, than unless it's something you're interested in, maybe it's not that important. It's good you're aware that you've been harshly criticized and put down too many times. But you have to realize with certainty that that came from insecure people, lashing out from whoever hurt them. The truth is, what YOU think, IS important and unless what you say is harmful to others, it really doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. But you'll find any sane person will listen and understand you even if it's not articulated in the best way possible. So the way out of it is fully recovering your own certainty about yourself and stop giving importance to the ramblings of desperate angry people that are far worse off than you. You have powerf and importance. When you know this and are not introverted by what others MIGHT think, communication improves greatly because it's real. Someone can say that being certain about oneself is easier said than done but at least focusing on the real problem will start you on the right path. I hope that makes some sense.