Anyone just not care if they live anymore? (NOT a suicide threat)

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Nobody45

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Each day I wake up and it's just more of the same. I go to work, go to the gym, and come home. I read or go on the computer. I go to sleep and go to work again the next day. Sure I've tried doing different things. I've tried hiking, going to bars, going to the park... everything just seems so dull when I'm alone. I see the couples holding hands, and I envy them. I see the children playing, and I miss the innocence. Sometimes when I get home I pretend there's someone there to hug me. But there isn't. Sometimes I pretend I'm talking to someone about my feelings. But there's nobody. All that's there is cold emptiness.

Sometimes I wonder, if I disappeared, if anyone would notice. I suppose someone would notice I wasn't showing up to work after a few days. Maybe they'd file a missing person report, but nothing would come of it. No one would search for me. Sure I have a decent job. I'm accumulating wealth. There's people in this world who would literally kill to have my life. But I don't like it.

I am merely a cog in a corporate machine, nothing more. I'm just a soulless machine. Void of feeling and heart. When a machine is decommissioned, it's not afraid or sad. It doesn't care. It existed only to to complete tasks, not to have feelings. I've become like the machine. I exist only to complete tasks. Not to love and share happiness with others. No, love and happiness are inefficient and unnecessary. I'm just a cold, empty machine. When a machine breaks, nobody cries. No funerals are held for broken machines. They're just quietly replaced. Just like the machines, I would be replaced. And no one would notice.
 
I'm a 17 yr old girl. I relate to everything you've said above, and I don't know if that's any consolation but I do. There's a voice ringing in my head, "Don't treat your self, all that you do and what not as a task, and you won't be going about your life merely completing tasks." *shrugs* It's a hypothesis of mine, I'm not sure just yet if it'd work but it just might. So, I am sabotaging the "wonderful life" I have got going, what the people around me have pegged as wonderful and coerced me into leading this banal existence. So, yeah, I am going to sabotage it and fight for my life because it IS my life. Might have to run away, or stir things up so that these people will realize that, "No, I'm not okay." I want to find myself, because all my life I've been living as a phony, up to these expectations that have been set upon me or that I have set upon myself, to "prove my worth" so to speak. But the more I try to prove my worth, the less worth I can derive from my self. Now I'm just an empty shell, and this has to stop.
 
Just surviving isn't enough of a reason to exist... and I think successful people understand that more than anyone else (not that I'm a successful person). We're discouraged from suicide by society and doctors (and maybe friends and family for some of you), but I life is like a cake: I've had a slice, and I really feel no desire to continue shoveling the rest of it down my throat.
 
Been there and done that.

I cant take any of this honeysuckle seriously anymore beuase itll chips at me little by little.
I must remain positive and see beyound all of it somehow.
 
It breaks my heart to read some of what you have all written here...

I'm not much of a friend, but my inbox is always open to anyone who wishes to drop a line.
 
You're definately not alone in feeling this way. My routine is quite similar, especially during the week. Weekends, I do usually get out on a hike with some "friends". But otherwise I feel like I'm lost in a repeating loop. I do have a cat, which helps the condo not to feel so cold and empty. Have you thought about a dog or cat? They do help keep you from feeling quite so lonely.
Nobody45 said:
Each day I wake up and it's just more of the same. I go to work, go to the gym, and come home. I read or go on the computer. I go to sleep and go to work again the next day. Sure I've tried doing different things. I've tried hiking, going to bars, going to the park... everything just seems so dull when I'm alone. I see the couples holding hands, and I envy them. I see the children playing, and I miss the innocence. Sometimes when I get home I pretend there's someone there to hug me. But there isn't. Sometimes I pretend I'm talking to someone about my feelings. But there's nobody. All that's there is cold emptiness.

Sometimes I wonder, if I disappeared, if anyone would notice. I suppose someone would notice I wasn't showing up to work after a few days. Maybe they'd file a missing person report, but nothing would come of it. No one would search for me. Sure I have a decent job. I'm accumulating wealth. There's people in this world who would literally kill to have my life. But I don't like it.

I am merely a cog in a corporate machine, nothing more. I'm just a soulless machine. Void of feeling and heart. When a machine is decommissioned, it's not afraid or sad. It doesn't care. It existed only to to complete tasks, not to have feelings. I've become like the machine. I exist only to complete tasks. Not to love and share happiness with others. No, love and happiness are inefficient and unnecessary. I'm just a cold, empty machine. When a machine breaks, nobody cries. No funerals are held for broken machines. They're just quietly replaced. Just like the machines, I would be replaced. And no one would notice.

 
You are living the sort of life which society has deemed to be successful-the 'good' job, the accumulation of money, the independence-but have found the utter emptiness at its heart. I can only suggest that you think long and carefully about what YOU want, and then make changes and get the sort of life which is fulfilling for you.
 
I really have nothing in this life. No friends, no girlfriends, hypocritical parents, no job, no college degree, etc. I haven't had much going for me for almost a decade. I have alot of problems with the human race and this so called world we are living in. I don't exist to anybody. I don't really like to talk about any of this stuff too much because everyone dismisses it. I spend 99% of my time in despair now. I try to avoid going in stores now - seeing people working a job makes me want to tear up. I hate when it's daytime. I like it better when it's night time. Fits better for a person like me. I have a good idea of what my road is going to be for the next few decades. I am going to be "attempting" to -create- a life. An actual one. I don't have one now and I am not living either. I am just examining this thing called a "life" that everybody else has from within my glass box. It gets lonely in here sometimes. But what can I do about it? This isn't a world. It is an illusion and a slave colony. Waking up everyday is just an illusion.The rest of the human race is in this box too but they aren't woken up like me. I don't really feel happy or sad. Just in between. Achieving real happiness is impossible in this current state. The more I think about things the more I realize that the happiness I am searching for, the satisfaction I am searching for, (not money/relationships/and materialistic items) is unobtainable.

The good news for people like us is, is that one of these "moments" (I don't call them days, or years), we won't be "living" anymore. Just have to wait for it to come. I'm not getting out of "this" alive. I'm going to dissapear one "moment" and so are all of you. Once you wake up from your slumber, you realize how right I am.

Look at everything going on in the world around you. The human race has always been like this. It's only now in modern times that we see a clearer snapshot of the truth and reality.
 
Nobody45 said:
Each day I wake up and it's just more of the same. I go to work, go to the gym, and come home. I read or go on the computer. I go to sleep and go to work again the next day. Sure I've tried doing different things. I've tried hiking, going to bars, going to the park... everything just seems so dull when I'm alone. I see the couples holding hands, and I envy them. I see the children playing, and I miss the innocence. Sometimes when I get home I pretend there's someone there to hug me. But there isn't. Sometimes I pretend I'm talking to someone about my feelings. But there's nobody. All that's there is cold emptiness.

Sometimes I wonder, if I disappeared, if anyone would notice. I suppose someone would notice I wasn't showing up to work after a few days. Maybe they'd file a missing person report, but nothing would come of it. No one would search for me. Sure I have a decent job. I'm accumulating wealth. There's people in this world who would literally kill to have my life. But I don't like it.

I am merely a cog in a corporate machine, nothing more. I'm just a soulless machine. Void of feeling and heart. When a machine is decommissioned, it's not afraid or sad. It doesn't care. It existed only to to complete tasks, not to have feelings. I've become like the machine. I exist only to complete tasks. Not to love and share happiness with others. No, love and happiness are inefficient and unnecessary. I'm just a cold, empty machine. When a machine breaks, nobody cries. No funerals are held for broken machines. They're just quietly replaced. Just like the machines, I would be replaced. And no one would notice.

I'm 26 years old. I have a decent job and a college degree. I feel the same way as you do. I pretty much wish I wasn't alive anymore either.

 
OP I'm sorry to hear you feel this way, I do myself so at you are not alone. I try to take things one day at a time but it's hard
 
I have never been afraid of death, so I guess you could say I don't 'care' whether I live or die, because I believe 100% in an afterlife and therefore do not see it as an ending. In some ways I look forward to the adventure. And at the very least, even if I'm wrong, well at least it'll be a chance to get some sleep without next door's dog barking waking me up at the crack of dawn.
 
I very much understand where you are coming from. I frequently feel the same way. Why can't it just be over? I have no solution. I will say that avoiding stressful situations helps but it's not a solution.
 
Sometimes, I feel like I'm more disinterested than depressed. Yeah, I get sad and lonely often, but even on days where I'm in a good mood...I don't think there's a day you could catch me on where you could ask me whether or not I wanted to continue living and I would give you a confident yes. I'm just bored. Like I said, disinterested. And I don't have the worst life in the world, not by a longshot. There's just not much to look forward to anymore.

I'm 22, so I shouldn't be so jaded already. But I totally relate to being jealous of the happy couples, and also missing the innocence of childhood. I think that's what hurts more than anything...all the memories of having a close relationship with family, being carefree...I was so much of a better person when I was ten years old, for real. And of course you never know what you have when you're that age.

Getting older than I am scares me even more. Cause at least now I'm at a point where, despite being romantically desperate and having a strained relationship with my family, at least I still have a lot of friends. But people get married, move away, settle down...and I have serious doubts about my ability to support myself when I get older. I'm too lazy and stupid and bad with money, I could really see myself being one of those people that lives with their parents til they're 35.
 
Nobody45> I know how you feel. I've been stuck in the same rut for the last 17 years. Once I graduated from college I knew that life was done. Everything was going to be an endless cycle from then on. Get up, go to work, come home, watch tv, and go to bed.
 
My life is going from bad to worse. All I have is my computer and a lot of time on my hands. Some days I don't even get dressed. I usually talk to my son online but he hasn't been on recently. So the gloom gets worse.

Soon I'll be moving to an apartment in the city. But I'll have no phone, no internet and no cable tv [ and no tv]. I'll have to find things to do. I have a few ideas but not many. Told my son I can't get internet for the first month because money is strapped. My son was suppose to send down my cell phone but hasn't yet and don't expect it anytime soon. So things are going to be very boring. I'm not happy, and everything is empty and trying to do things by yourself just feels weird. Right now there is a lot of uncertainty because of change.

I too feel strange doing things by myself, especially in a crowd setting. I feel like the odd man out most of the time. You see many couples, and groups of people chatting, and they all look like they are having fun. Even dining alone feels odd. Sometimes I even get paranoid over dining alone. At home alone I just get very bored and have no interest in anything. Everything seems like a chore. There is just no joy in it. The only time I'm happy is around friends and I have very few friends in the city.

I take life one day at a time because focusing on the future depresses me. I've gone from having friends and a purpose, to just being me. And this me has no long term memory since the stroke a few years back. The big thing is what to do with myself and I haven't a single clue. With my health failing and memory loss, times are rough. Even finances are tight which also doesn't help things. So all things just makes things more a downer for me. Most people my age look forward to growing old as couples and retiring, while I find life a struggle.

 
Nobody45 said:
Each day I wake up and it's just more of the same. I go to work, go to the gym, and come home. I read or go on the computer. I go to sleep and go to work again the next day. Sure I've tried doing different things. I've tried hiking, going to bars, going to the park... everything just seems so dull when I'm alone. I see the couples holding hands, and I envy them. I see the children playing, and I miss the innocence. Sometimes when I get home I pretend there's someone there to hug me. But there isn't. Sometimes I pretend I'm talking to someone about my feelings. But there's nobody. All that's there is cold emptiness.

Sometimes I wonder, if I disappeared, if anyone would notice. I suppose someone would notice I wasn't showing up to work after a few days. Maybe they'd file a missing person report, but nothing would come of it. No one would search for me. Sure I have a decent job. I'm accumulating wealth. There's people in this world who would literally kill to have my life. But I don't like it.

I am merely a cog in a corporate machine, nothing more. I'm just a soulless machine. Void of feeling and heart. When a machine is decommissioned, it's not afraid or sad. It doesn't care. It existed only to to complete tasks, not to have feelings. I've become like the machine. I exist only to complete tasks. Not to love and share happiness with others. No, love and happiness are inefficient and unnecessary. I'm just a cold, empty machine. When a machine breaks, nobody cries. No funerals are held for broken machines. They're just quietly replaced. Just like the machines, I would be replaced. And no one would notice.

I've felt like that......then I've found something or someone I really love and thought I was an idiot for having all those thoughts......then the thing went away......and I was back to having those thoughts......then I found something else.....and so on......you just need to find something you love......keep trying different things until you find it.....maybe you'll just enjoy the change of trying different things.

 
Even though I was not/am not depressed, death seems like the next great adventure for finally figuring out one of life's great mysteries - all i do is get up ... go to work ... come home ... play taxi cab driver for my daughter ... there is nothing material i want ... all i ever wanted was to have a complete and lasting family for my daughter ... and now, my daughter is old enough that it does not matter anymore ... tbh, i am beyond bored with life and getting to old for anything to matter anymore.
 
Holy fresia ...
reading ya'll stories brought up many memories ...

Anyhoo,
what changed for me (mostly) was the increased self esteem.

Gone through a lot self work, book, and online programs to get there.

Highly recommended.
 
This is all really familiar to me as well. There are still days or weeks that I feel that way. Can't really be helped, I mean everyone has times when they feel like that.
What helped me was making a goal I could really get excited about. For me it was a trip out of the country. I'm planning a trip to Japan it's a ways off, but it gives me something to look forward to. That way I don't just go to work and go home everyday.
Try and find things that make you happy. Change up your routine. If you hate your job (it kind've sounds like you do) find something else. (hugs) I wish you the best.
 

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