My ex-girlfriend is engaged and it's killing me

We broke up in March 2009. I know it's been a long time, so you probably find it a little pathetic and ridiculous that i'm actually posting about it. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this though, so that's why i'm here. Basically, for almost 4 years we were inseparable and shared some amazing times together. She was the only girl in my life that i'd ever been close too in that way, and I actually believed that it would last forever. Obviously I was naive, and I feel like an idiot for putting so much love and trust into something that ultimately failed. We ended up drifting apart and despite my best attempts to salvage the relationship, her heart wasn't in it anymore, so she left.

I've been a ghost for the last 3 years, stuck in this intense nostalgic depression, and it's breaking me. To see pictures of her with someone else and to see her so happy, it really makes me... I don't know, it's like the deepest most horrible pain i've ever felt. I can't even say that i'm happy she's happy, because i'm not. I miss her and those feelings, and I want them more than anything else in the world, but I can't.

I know there's nothing anyone can do about it, but I just wanted to get it out...

Yeah, it rough like that. When you figure out how to get over that one perticular
girl....please let me know.

Depression is horriable...man.

Everyone deal with it differently.
I have thousand of pictures of Sassy and hundreds of vedio of her and I having a good time,
romanic moments, wild sex..ect. I watch them sometimes. It brings back good memories
and good feelings of her and I. Lots more memeries that i didnt capture on vedio
that fills my mind of positive moments Thats forever embeded in my mind.
I rather see her in that light. I rather a have good feelings and recall good feelings and times
about my life. I rather focus on that...if I'm to think of Sassy. It wasnt all bad.
It was actually more good than bad for the most part.

Bad memories of bad moments (some very very truamtic) flashes acoss my mind by themselves enough
as it is, that gives me PTSD. Lots of 911 calls, blood stain on the walls and trips to the emergency room...ect.
Which triggers a lot of negative feelings and will lead into depression.

I know some people suggest to get rid of all belongings of your ex. Or even create ugly images of them.
Remember all the messed up time and reasons why things didnt works out. Remember the pains so that
you forget about her. THE THING OF IT IS...IT MAKES ME FEEL BAD and create lot of negative feeling
and memories...Depressing. I have plenty of bad photos of Sassy.

Life gose on with or without me....
I have some vedio of Sarah ( i just met her) and I having a good time. Sometimes I focus on her.
Positive moments Sarah and I have. Good memories. A distractions of sort from obsessing over Sassy.
[youtube]AYQjt1AIOAM[/youtube]

It's not about Sassy or Sarah...It's about my MENTAL WELL BEING. Depression suck Ass !!!!
You gatta do what you gatta do. Like you said...No one can do anything about it but you.
What Im doing aint Killing me. Self Pity gets me nowhere....as you already know.
Plenty of fish in the ocean and you'll find someone or a better girl to be with...blah blah..blah

Think positve, feel positve and all those things people suggest to do to create a happy life.
Well...i do these things. There you have it. I dont feel depressed.
Im not Saying living without Sassy dosnt hurt...it dose.

If you can practice...triggering POSITVE FEELINGS and hold on to that feeling for 16 sec.,
its like planting seeds. Then if you trigger more Positve feelings for 60 sec...you'll start feeling better.
Positive begets positves.
Depression are chronic negative feelings.
It dosnt have to be about a girl...It can be about any positive experinces in your life...

You looking at those pics of your ex with another dude is simply triggering a lot of negative feelings...such as envy, lack, separations..ect. IDk....stop looking at them.

You must simply sit down and ponder this...
Where dose your feelings come from????
It comes from inside of you.
You must learn how to proactively trigger positive feelings.

Thats why people say happiness is an inside job.
No one can make us happy. We make ourselves happy.
Happiness is a feeling that comes from within....so dose depression.
Alot of it is what we FOCUS on.

Then can simply apply the same principle to your self.
Positive thoughts and feelings about yourself...ect
See yourself in a good light.
Which is basic good self-esteem.

I don't know how that feels. I'm sorry to hear that but you know, in those 3 years you could have done something to try and move on. My apologies if you did. But it's not too late to keep trying.

I've never had a girlfriend so I don't know what it feels to feel what you feel.

Jack _ said:

. . . and I feel like an idiot for putting so much love and trust into something that ultimately failed. We ended up drifting apart and despite my best attempts to salvage the relationship, her heart wasn't in it anymore, so she left.

Click to expand...

That's the risk we take by agreeing and accepting relationships. Any type of relationship. I don't think you're idiot. I think you're brave. Because most people don't even want to take that risk, so they don't.

Thanks for replies, guys. I really Appreciate it : )

@Lonesome Crow, I understand what you mean about self pity. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm depressed about the situation, but I know full well it's only me that can make myself better. It's just way easier said than done. I try to be positive and move on, but when the depression is strong, it's overwhelming and all those memories come flooding back.

@VanillaCreme, Thank you : ), I guess that's true. It just sucks when it all falls apart.

I understand that...Believe me.
It gets really really intense and unbareable at times.

I never said it was easy. its is do able. Its less of a struggle as time
go by. And it's taking me a litttle time and effort to be able to get to
this piont..That I can actaully have good feelings if Sassy crosses my mind.

I know I cant really afford depression anymore. It's too devistating for me.

Thats why Ive choosen to simply just allow myself to feel good about those
memories. Stopped figthing myself.

I never said...you have to stop loving her, Jake.
Think of it as you're being in a LONG TERM relationship with her....you never know what's going to happen
in the future.
This...really really help me. I strugling really bad. My sponsor told me this.
I didnt have to stop loving her and that it was a long term relationship I was in.
I didnt fulley graps what he was telling me at first....
It was totally opposite of whatever one else was telling me...to stop loving her.
The more people told me to stop loving her...the more angery i felt.

I just take is as Sassy being away on a bussiness trip or something....( i hope that makes sense)

And think of it as you're being a Polyamorous. You have so much love inside of you Jack.
You can love another woman too.
Its just another way of explain certain things. It's the same principle from the corse in mirracle.
The course in miracle is about healing and I cant go into details about it in a thread or post.

Its why your depressed , jake.
Were ment to love and be loved.
The flow for you being able to expressed your love had stopped. Its being supressed.
Surpression leads to depression.

Hi Jack,

So sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. That sure is a hurtful situation - seeing the person you still love with someone else, knowing that they are in love, that they'll get married, have children, etc. The bad thing about what's happening to you is that you've been unhappy for a long time already, and can't seem to get over it. I think this might be a good time to get help from someone - a family member, a friend, a therapist? It's difficult to let go, but you still have your own life, and you CAN be happy too. Fill your mind with other things so you don't have to think about her. She's gone from your life, so it doesn't really matter what she does or who she's with. If you become happy again, other people will be attracted to you, and you'll find a new girl you'll love just as much if not more, and who will love you back! Just be a little more self-centered - take care of yourself and build a life you deserve!

My friend. Your Ex is your problem, not your solution. What I think you should do is try to move on. I bet you've heard and tried that many times already though. Try to think of what you can take from your whole experience. Try to think of useful things. Things that can help you in future with relationships.

Remember also that you're not alone. Girls always seem to move on a bit quicker from my EXP. In some cases it's a lot quicker. Being a Guy I know how Guys can be (Where I live at least) And that is not fussy lol. Remember that you're free! You can do what you want now. So do good things for yourself~

Hey jack. Share all you want, there are plenty here who will listen to you, and even voice their opinions. Perhaps you will even find people here who you can confide in, eventually. You seem like a decent guy. I hope you find your way. It must have felt like you lost your future when she left. But you did not, there are still paths you can take where you will find great joy.

I think the best solution is to find a distraction. I know the feeling well. For me it was a disasterous mix of jealousy, feelings of abandonment and rejection. And the feeling that you'll never catch up with the perceived happiness of the her life, since she seems to have moved on. It was sort of an inferiority complex, you know?

It's been just over 3 years for me too. We drifted apart, but I had so much pride that I didn't want to be the one to contact her first. Thought she'll def contact me first. But she couldn't be bothered even though we knew each other for four years. Little did I know she would quickly move on with her life while I was left behind in the dust. The first two years were quite painful, esp when you "accidently" stumble over her Facebook pictures or when a friend comes and tell you the "exciting" news that she's dating someone else. I remember feeling very curious about her life and feeling very anxious at the same time, my friend could sense that something was up and didn't wanna tell me more about her, so I resorted to stalking her on FB. Yes I use the word her. She was female (I'm female too).

It is really true that time will heal everything. Even though 3 years feels like a long time. Hell, in my first year, after 364 days I actually cried about her one night (I only sort of got over it a litle in my 3 year. Which was the past year). Now I think my feelings were really bullshit. I guess I found a much needed distraction, I reinvented my life a little, did new things and honeysuckle and slowly (during the past 100 days or so) did not care what she was doing and the ten thousand boyfriends she was dating/sleeping/grinding with. I think you need to be proactive to find something to do that makes you happy. Like sending in your writings or drawings to news agencies and stuff, something you can create and take control of instead of being swept up by whatever your ex is doing - which you can't control. People have told me to be happy for that person, or not to be consumed by jealousy, or just to be happy and not bitter...it didn't work. But finding a distraction and things I had passion for really worked. I can see that what I perceived - her being happier than me, prettier than me, more intelligent than me, richer than me, more glamourous and more likeable than me was really my mind playing tricks on me.

Sometimes I do fear I will relapse, like during bad days when I can't withstand the urge to know what she is doing. Can't say I'm fully over it, but I can feel the hard feelings or slowly fading away. Honestly I think the engagement brought out fresh hurtful feelings for you which is why you are feeling depressed. Hell even writing this I felt like going to stalk her facebook (which I shall resist). You gotta block her out of your life once and for all and be a clean state again. Some people just take a longer time (like you and me).

People tell me not to me so bitter and perhaps the other party's life isn't all that great. Even though this was a very rational advice, I couldn't help myself. The only thing that really help me were the tides of time. Although you think this will last forever, it won't. Just a matter of time.

Sorry for the essay and hope it helps.

when my gf pushed me away, she wanted to stay friends. I told her I could not because one day she would find someone else to date and it would kill me.
In the end, she killed herself instead which also killed me.

A friend from college had this happen to him with a girl he dated a short while. She stayed friends and married someone else. He decided to be a hermit and live with his parents and has ever since.

Wow thats sad...

For me the distractions would be...other women.
( some people ant going to agree with it, especially women)
There was a void in my life and that would be a woman...
Not hobbies, not playing my music..ect.
So to be going to a plumber if i needed a flat tire fix..wasnt going to do it.
I simply needed a woman to fill that void.
Eventually Im going to have to date again sooner or later.
I might as will make it sooner....

I also knew I had to process whatever it is I needed to process quickly...
I stopped fighting. If I needed break down and cried my heart out
I simply broke down and cried my heart out.

Ive took a suggestion of waiting a yr...ect after a break up.
Did the hobbie thing too...nothing i did worked.
That totally messed me up and got me into this simular
situations you're experincing. A deep deep depression.
It got chornic and gotten me into a major rut or a deep mud hole
that was very sticky and hard to get out of....

Sarah hasnt solved my relationship problems and challenges.
Im not totally involved with her. Im not ready for a commitment yet. It's OK.
What she has given me is stability. Im more mentally and emotionally
stable so that I may function. Sassy is a very talented dancer.
Watching Sarah dance kind of fill those voids too. Alot more than just
the sex...Just being around a sexy woman works for me.

Plus staying positive and feeling positive reinforces the process more.

Thanks everyone for all of the helpful advice, I appreciate it a lot.

blackdot said:

when my gf pushed me away, she wanted to stay friends. I told her I could not because one day she would find someone else to date and it would kill me.
In the end, she killed herself instead which also killed me.

A friend from college had this happen to him with a girl he dated a short while. She stayed friends and married someone else. He decided to be a hermit and live with his parents and has ever since.

Click to expand...

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I don't think i'd have the strength to get through something like that.

@applepear, your post really helped and I can relate to everything you said. I've tried so many times to block her from my life completely, but that compulsive need to know is always there. I have more bad days than good. Sometimes i'll even dream about her, so when I wake up she's already in my head to start the day. I get into that spiral mindset of wanting to know everything she's doing, when she's doing it, who she's doing it with, and I agonise over it for hours. I see her happy and smiling, and it just devestates me because I can't get over the fact that this is happening with someone else. All those times we were together, confiding in eachother and knowing things about eachother that no one else knew, it feels like none of that matters to her anymore and I don't understand how she can be happier with someone else.

The depression has never really lifted at all though, even before I found out she was engaged. It's gotten progressively worse and that news has just pushed me over the edge. I know that in time, like you said, it'll all heal. I just don't know when.

I know the feeling. It happened to me before. If you ever need to talk, there are people on here who will listen, including me. I'm so sorry. When life gives you lemon, mix vodka with them and party! No. Not condoning alcoholism.

^ lol thank you.

The feeling comes and goes. Some days it messes me up so much, other days I don't feel as bad. I've been feeling a little better about everything over the last few days. I don't know what's made me feel better, but i'm just hoping I can begin to forget the whole thing.

**** there are some crazy ass stories of heartless women on here, sorry to all those who have had troubles with their women, not all are like this...

@blackdot **** Im sorry to hear about your ex, thats bind blowingly difficult to get over. I rate you for your strength.

@Jack_ I am sorry to hear about your loss, when you give your all and it aint reciprocated it hurts bad. I can only relate when it comes to rejection from fam, Ive never been that close to a guy dont think I ever will be either. The fact that you gave it your all is such a positive to take from this, most people dont have the strength to do this, you will heal and it will happen, esp if you want to let her go. That is the key, wanting to let go.The more you know deep down that is it better to let go, you will Jack. And in time, as crazy as it sounds...you will be happy for her, coz when you love/d someone, ultimately you want them to be happy (whether they are with you or not). It takes a strong man/woman to want this for their ex, but I think your capable of it. If you ever wanna chat Im here. Same goes to you Blackdot!

Hi Jack. I've loved and lost many times...too many and I wish it would stop...but we do the best we can and can't predict.

Anyways...this is what I've learned. Many times when I've lost I felt I would never ever feel good again or love someone else again...experience fun, pleasure, joy, the whole bit. But you know what? It's not true. The truth is while you will probably never get her again, it is very possible you can find someone to experience the feelings with again...just in another package. The key is to be open about what that package will be.

I've lost a lot and had a good handful of break ups but I am here today...still feeling the joy of living...the joy of life, and pleasure. It does come back. The key is to find yourself again. To get in touch with YOU, your dreams, you likes, your values and goals and take steps to get these things again. Don't see her on FB! OMG to me that is just not the wise thing to do. If I were to see an ex of mine on FB today, I'd be comatose. NO NO NO! No talking seeing their FB, anything until you know you are fully over them. It's a rule. It's a rule you must no break with yourself.

I bet if you didn't go look at her FB you wouldn't be feeling so bad, right?

Google how to get over a gf online. There is a lot of great advice geared toward men.