Should I end this friendship?

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Tiina63

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I have been feeling angry and hurt over things which a friend has been saying to me over the last few months and am wondering whether the time has come to end the friendship. Maybe I am being over sensitive, but I have been picking up on 'hidden' messages from this friend as well as more direct messages.
When I came out of hospital at the start of October I did feel vulnerable as I have no family to make sure I am ok and I was feeling so weak and also afraid. My friend told me not to rely on her. Then her father was unwell and she told me that her mum was helping her friends despite this, but that in her (my friend's eyes) its 'family before friends'. Although I agree with this, I do think she could have been more tactful and kinder as well. (She didn't actually do anything to help her mum or dad at the time.) This came across as an indirect message to me, as did a later message when she was telling me that her mum would be going out with a disabled friend and was worried about possible snow and how her friend would manage. My friend said that the lady was only a friend therefore her mum had no responsibility towards her.
When I mention to this friend that I am hoping to meet someone to settle down with, she tells me I am too old and 'do I really think I will meet anyone?' When I said to her that I hope to build up a support network, she puts this down as well. Sometimes I really hate her as it feels that for some reason she wants me to be on my own with no support. I think I would rather be with people who feel a certain level of responsibility towards friends (like I do) and who are a bit more tactful and supportive as well.
Am I being too sensitive or would you (whoever is reading this) feel as I do?
 
Hey Tiina,

I don't think you're being sensitive at all. In my humble opinion, if this friend is always being this insensitive and doesn't have a good excuse for her behaviour (I'd probably be a bit more easygoing if my friend was say grieving or depressed and lashed out on me as a result), then you should ignore her. We deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, especially if that is what we do for others.

And I'm sure you deserve better :)
 
She sounds a little odd to me to be honest with you. You just don't tell people such things like "family before friends and don't rely on me" kind of things. Even if it's true, it's just... wow. I'd avoid her because you don't want to get hurt even more.
 
If this person makes you feel hurt and upset then they are not a friend.
 
You don't need a friend like this. I hung out with people who used to treat me poorly. You deserve respect and kindness yes. Friends are very important to me, sometimes people can be very selfish. Tell her you rather have friends who care about you rather than someone who makes you feel horrible. It'll only get worse in time, don't stick around her just cause you feel lonely. Show her that you can be independent without relying on her.
 
So, because the sacred word friend is used she cannot become annoyed by you? I personally think you are overreacting just a little. Maybe she feels that you are relying on her too much. Maybe she wants a little space of her own. No offense, but I do not know that much about my friends families.

You mentioned that you want to build a support network. Well sideline this friend and find a new one.
 
Tiina63 said:
I have been feeling angry and hurt over things which a friend has been saying to me over the last few months and am wondering whether the time has come to end the friendship. Maybe I am being over sensitive, but I have been picking up on 'hidden' messages from this friend as well as more direct messages.
When I came out of hospital at the start of October I did feel vulnerable as I have no family to make sure I am ok and I was feeling so weak and also afraid. My friend told me not to rely on her. Then her father was unwell and she told me that her mum was helping her friends despite this, but that in her (my friend's eyes) its 'family before friends'. Although I agree with this, I do think she could have been more tactful and kinder as well. (She didn't actually do anything to help her mum or dad at the time.) This came across as an indirect message to me, as did a later message when she was telling me that her mum would be going out with a disabled friend and was worried about possible snow and how her friend would manage. My friend said that the lady was only a friend therefore her mum had no responsibility towards her.
When I mention to this friend that I am hoping to meet someone to settle down with, she tells me I am too old and 'do I really think I will meet anyone?' When I said to her that I hope to build up a support network, she puts this down as well. Sometimes I really hate her as it feels that for some reason she wants me to be on my own with no support. I think I would rather be with people who feel a certain level of responsibility towards friends (like I do) and who are a bit more tactful and supportive as well.
Am I being too sensitive or would you (whoever is reading this) feel as I do?
Click to expand...

the answer is 'yes' - and tell her why !
 
Thank you to Veruca, SophiaGrace, duff, Walflowergirl, okiedokes and Chikid for your kindness and understanding. It is good to know that I can come here and vent my feelings and be met with compassion.
Thank you SciFi too-I hadn't thought of this. I can see why you might think it, though I don't think it is so. But thank you for replying.
AFrozenSoul-I haven't depended on her much, and not at all since she told me not to rely on her the week after I came home. Since I came out of hospital, we have seen each other 4 times in 3 months, so she has plenty of space.
 
She sounds horrible. What a small minded, mean spirited person! Seriously!

A loving person is simply loving...whether it's family or friends. There are many who provide real support/love to friends. It doesn't matter if they are not family, the point is the caring. People who put up these hard lines between friends and family are, imo, not loving people and do not get it.

And for her to stress this to you, what was the point of that? Yes, incredibly insensitive and so unnecessary!

And the comments after you shared your hearts desire for companionship and relationship was also uncalled for. It was negative and somewhat of a put down.

From what you write I would have zero interest in this small minded cold woman.

I agree with the others. Sideline her. You deserve more loving people.
 
Tiina63 said:
AFrozenSoul-I haven't depended on her much, and not at all since she told me not to rely on her the week after I came home. Since I came out of hospital, we have seen each other 4 times in 3 months, so she has plenty of space.
Click to expand...

Don't call her again, she's not worth it.
 
I finally spoke to the friend concerned today on the phone about this issue, but it went badly. I had hoped she would hear me out, but she started getting annoyed straightaway. I explained that I agreed with her about family coming first and that I wasn't upset about her thinking that friends have no responsibilty to each other (as obviously everyone has their own concepts of friendship and what it involves, and this is her concept) etc, and that it was simply the way she had said these things so bluntly which had hurt me. (It did also make me realise that it is better to choose friends with similar ideas about friendship, if possible.) It ended up with her muttering that she would 'see me sometime' in a tone of voice which implied that we will never see each other again and that was it. It has left me feeling all mixed up and upset and part of me wishes I hadn't said anything. But it had reached a point where I was avoiding her because of feeling so stressed out about her and so maybe in the end it will be for the best that I told her. We have some mutual friends and I haven't told them anything as I don't want to be disloyal. If our friendship is over for good I will be sad, but at the same time when it had reached a point that I was avoiding her, there wasn't much friendship left behind to lose. I do feel so sad though.

Was it right that I told her how I felt? I am so used to hiding my true thoughts and feelings that it feel so uncomfortable to show them.
 
I agree with Lilianna. Keeping such a friendship that only keeps you so wound up and stressed up is toxic. That's not a true friend. I think you're better off without her. A real friend wouldn't be treating you like that, Tiina. Sounds like she doesn't care to hear about your feelings at all. Sure, if she thinks that friends have no responsibility over each other - but being there for support or even hearing you out isn't even called responsibility. It's called being a friend.
 
Doesn't sound like a good friend to keep in my opinion. I also had a "friend" who constantly put me down, except my situation was worse than yours because he went out of his way to make my life a misery. Recently on my birthday when he sent me a message reading "Hope you have a very happy birthday!", the irony had me in stitches and then I deleted it instantly.
 
Tiina63 said:
I finally spoke to the friend concerned today on the phone about this issue, but it went badly. I had hoped she would hear me out, but she started getting annoyed straightaway. I explained that I agreed with her about family coming first and that I wasn't upset about her thinking that friends have no responsibilty to each other (as obviously everyone has their own concepts of friendship and what it involves, and this is her concept) etc, and that it was simply the way she had said these things so bluntly which had hurt me. (It did also make me realise that it is better to choose friends with similar ideas about friendship, if possible.) It ended up with her muttering that she would 'see me sometime' in a tone of voice which implied that we will never see each other again and that was it. It has left me feeling all mixed up and upset and part of me wishes I hadn't said anything. But it had reached a point where I was avoiding her because of feeling so stressed out about her and so maybe in the end it will be for the best that I told her. We have some mutual friends and I haven't told them anything as I don't want to be disloyal. If our friendship is over for good I will be sad, but at the same time when it had reached a point that I was avoiding her, there wasn't much friendship left behind to lose. I do feel so sad though.

Was it right that I told her how I felt? I am so used to hiding my true thoughts and feelings that it feel so uncomfortable to show them.
Click to expand...


I would leave it for a few weeks then send her a message or text. Ask her if she wants to meet up. (If you want that is !)

She may regret how she has acted and want to continue the friendship.
 
duff said:
Tiina63 said:
I finally spoke to the friend concerned today on the phone about this issue, but it went badly. I had hoped she would hear me out, but she started getting annoyed straightaway. I explained that I agreed with her about family coming first and that I wasn't upset about her thinking that friends have no responsibilty to each other (as obviously everyone has their own concepts of friendship and what it involves, and this is her concept) etc, and that it was simply the way she had said these things so bluntly which had hurt me. (It did also make me realise that it is better to choose friends with similar ideas about friendship, if possible.) It ended up with her muttering that she would 'see me sometime' in a tone of voice which implied that we will never see each other again and that was it. It has left me feeling all mixed up and upset and part of me wishes I hadn't said anything. But it had reached a point where I was avoiding her because of feeling so stressed out about her and so maybe in the end it will be for the best that I told her. We have some mutual friends and I haven't told them anything as I don't want to be disloyal. If our friendship is over for good I will be sad, but at the same time when it had reached a point that I was avoiding her, there wasn't much friendship left behind to lose. I do feel so sad though.

Was it right that I told her how I felt? I am so used to hiding my true thoughts and feelings that it feel so uncomfortable to show them.
Click to expand...


I would leave it for a few weeks then send her a message or text. Ask her if she wants to meet up. (If you want that is !)

She may regret how she has acted and want to continue the friendship.
Click to expand...


Hasn't this been happening for Tiina for too long now? I think a friendship that goes on so toxicly for too long isn't good. Continue the friendship? I really would rather ask Tiina if she wants to continue this friendship and if she thinks it's a good idea to.
 
I find it strange that you used the word, "friend" when it doesn't seem like the word applied to the relationship at all. If you ever find yourself in similar circumstances, please don't even bother addressing the issue. You certainly didn't owe her an explanation, and I think it was obvious that she wasn't going to change her behavior. All you really did was give her one last chance to make you feel bad.
 
Tiina63 said:
I have been feeling angry and hurt over things which a friend has been saying to me over the last few months and am wondering whether the time has come to end the friendship. Maybe I am being over sensitive, but I have been picking up on 'hidden' messages from this friend as well as more direct messages.
When I came out of hospital at the start of October I did feel vulnerable as I have no family to make sure I am ok and I was feeling so weak and also afraid. My friend told me not to rely on her. Then her father was unwell and she told me that her mum was helping her friends despite this, but that in her (my friend's eyes) its 'family before friends'. Although I agree with this, I do think she could have been more tactful and kinder as well. (She didn't actually do anything to help her mum or dad at the time.) This came across as an indirect message to me, as did a later message when she was telling me that her mum would be going out with a disabled friend and was worried about possible snow and how her friend would manage. My friend said that the lady was only a friend therefore her mum had no responsibility towards her.
When I mention to this friend that I am hoping to meet someone to settle down with, she tells me I am too old and 'do I really think I will meet anyone?' When I said to her that I hope to build up a support network, she puts this down as well. Sometimes I really hate her as it feels that for some reason she wants me to be on my own with no support. I think I would rather be with people who feel a certain level of responsibility towards friends (like I do) and who are a bit more tactful and supportive as well.
Am I being too sensitive or would you (whoever is reading this) feel as I do?
Click to expand...

Well, first part of this, I'd actually agree with. I grew up believing family over friends. But the second part, you contradicts this, which sounds more in line with what she probably really believes.

I was in a cult for about two days. I know about being controlled. The first step to being controlled is to take someone who wants to belong, and cut their support network. I escaped with my own will, no intervention or deprogramming. How? (1) I realized this, (2) I know I'm loved by the people in my support network (even though I'm an avoidant), (3) and because I felt that being happy and free, even if alone, was preferable to being controlled. You can make new friends (or even the ones from before), but a person who wants to cut you off so you'll need them will always do so.
 

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