I’ve come 2 the point where nothing matters anymore...

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jayme89

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Disclaimer: very long

(This is something I wrote on a blog 3 months ago and didn’t feel the need to re-write it. It was written clearly in depression and rage is a very clear glimpse into what I was going through at that moment. I’ll write an update of my current situation at the end):

I’ve lived a miserable life so far. I’ve been used and abused by my parents and when I was no longer of any use to them, they threw me away. I'm trapped in a lonely, solitary existence that I did not choose. I’m 6 hours away from home at uni and no one even calls me. If I don’t initiate a conversation it would be at least a month before my phone will ring. It is my mother calling to, “just to see if I’m still alive” as she so jokingly puts it. I’ve literally been a punching bag, a doormat. I was never allowed to have a voice so as an adult I’m now uptight, socially awkward, and don’t know how to be myself around people especially my own family. I don’t even know who “myself” is. I’ve done everything I’ve been told to do, even through physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my parents, I’m STILL the good daughter who wants to make them proud. My mom told me to go to school and get a job that makes “lots of money” so I can buy my “own house and cars, take care of myself, and travel everywhere. So that’s what I’ve done. I’ve struggled through a major that makes lots of money, which I don’t necessarily enjoy but hope will eventually “grow on me” because all the fields that I enjoyed didn’t “make enough money” to meet my money hungry mothers approval. So now I’m 3 months from graduating with my bachelors degree and I STILL have to go to graduate school and I don’t even know if I’ll get in since my grades are so low. Against my mothers wishes I’m taking a year break between because I mentally can’t take going straight to grad school in the fall. Maybe school wouldn’t be such hell for me if I at LEAST had support from the one person I’m in school for in the first place! I don’t even know what job I’ll get to pay my student loans in the meantime. I dread having to move back home. I just feel miserable and depressed. I cry a lot. I feel like I’ve wasted the last 5 years of my life living for someone else. I’ve been fooled into believing that materials and money are what bring someone happiness in life, but that’s not true. Now I’m 23 and I finally look up from behind the books and I have no friends. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’m $60,000 in student loan debt and expected to take $20,000 more debt on for grad school. AND ALL FOR WHAT!? I have nothing to show for my life! Absolutely nothing. I guess I’m just expected to be alone with my degrees and money. I haven’t done one thing I’ve wanted to do in my entire life. I want to travel; I want to see the world. I want love and friendship and laughter. Those things will make me happy. But I don’t have any of it and don’t know if I’ll ever get it. I keep hearing “one day” …“one day”…“work hard and eventually you can do whatever you want”. It’s so stupid! I’ve wasted so much time; I’ve been tricked and fooled to take the advice of other miserable people. I’m disgusted with myself. I’m disgusted with my life. My future seems dim and bleak. I used to have so much hope and passion and believe anything was possible, but I have no hope anymore. I’m just so tired.

UPDATE: Here and there I do find some hope and things to make me happy but for the most part I feel the same. My mother has gotten off my back about grad school and that makes me feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I’ve since reworked my plans and given myself more career options that suit my interest, which makes me feel a little hopeful about my situation education wise. I graduate in three weeks and the only thing I need to focus on is getting a job. Once I get a job I hope to move out of my parent’s home within 3-4 months. I’m thinking I could be back in school within 1-2 years and the programs I’m looking at will be good for me because I won’t have to be in classrooms all day or taking out loans for living expenses and eating Ramon noodles. I can create some sort of life outside of academia, which I need now. For many people college is where they’re the happiest and most social, but for me it is actually where I am most lonely and I don’t think I can go through fulltime study like this again.
Although what was bringing me the most sadness 3 months ago is mostly resolved it has now moved on to other areas of my life and deepened. I’m now obsessed with my lack of social and love life and I experience so much nervousness at the thought of post grad life. I used to TRY to socialize and make friends but its senseless at this point because in a weeks time this will all be over and I’ll be moving back home. Now my days are going to school, then coming home and sitting in my room in the dark. Surfing the net and trying to watch some shows or movies that will entertain me. The only thing that gives me any kind of high is my newly acquired habit of excessive exercise, binge eating, and purging (aka bulimia).

I’m hoping it will get better. I’m praying this is just a “quarter life crisis” and excessive anxiety caused by making a new life transition. But I’m not sure. Although lonely, I’m generally a rational thinker but I kinda feel like “F-it!” this time. Where has my rational thinking got me so far?….exactly.
 
Hi. As it turns out, I am in your exact situation.

Do you feel like you've been thrown onto a train that sealed it's doors and is taking you to a place you don't want to go with no hope for escape?

I'm 23 too.
I went to Uni and studied a major that I wasn't passionate about.
I got BIG student loans that feel like so much pressure that it seems hopeless.
I have parents that want me to be something I'm not, do work that I don't like doing, and follow a life path that I don't want to be on.

It seems hopeless sometimes, I know how you feel. But what has happened so far has not irreparably damaged our ability to live the lives we want to live.

Our situations are like the elephant sitting on our dinner plate. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
To improve our situation, we make small choices that move us in the right direction every day.

You are not alone, millions of people our age are in the exact same place. Let's beat this together!
 
Hey, sorry that you feel this way. I don't know what to tell you really. But I just wanna wish you good luck and all the best in finding what you're looking for.
 
ladyforsaken said:
Hey, sorry that you feel this way. I don't know what to tell you really. But I just wanna wish you good luck and all the best in finding what you're looking for.

Thank you, that reply is pretty typical for me. I didn't expect help but needed a place to go and vent with hopefully like minds. I'm getting tired of being alone with my own thoughts and not a soul to speak to.


Dancer said:
Hi. As it turns out, I am in your exact situation.

Do you feel like you've been thrown onto a train that sealed it's doors and is taking you to a place you don't want to go with no hope for escape?

I'm 23 too.
I went to Uni and studied a major that I wasn't passionate about.
I got BIG student loans that feel like so much pressure that it seems hopeless.
I have parents that want me to be something I'm not, do work that I don't like doing, and follow a life path that I don't want to be on.

It seems hopeless sometimes, I know how you feel. But what has happened so far has not irreparably damaged our ability to live the lives we want to live.

Our situations are like the elephant sitting on our dinner plate. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
To improve our situation, we make small choices that move us in the right direction every day.

You are not alone, millions of people our age are in the exact same place. Let's beat this together!

Nice to know someone has a similar situation to me. You hit the nail on the head pretty much. But you know what, it really has nothing to do with loans, work, or school anymore. These things i've gotten through in the past and I know I can handle eventually. But what really gets me down is the lack of support surrounding me. I could easily create a life full of money and academic accomplishments but whats it all worth if i'll alone and no one to share it with? Not a friend, not a family member (ok thats a lie...i'm sure i can find someone would LOVE to share my wealth!), forget about boyfriend/husband. I'm just so tired of fighting for...for I don't even know what i'm fighting for anymore! It used to be grades and getting a degree but these things dont matter anymore to me. I just dont have a purpose anymore.
 
jayme89 said:
Thank you, that reply is pretty typical for me. I didn't expect help but needed a place to go and vent with hopefully like minds. I'm getting tired of being alone with my own thoughts and not a soul to speak to.

Then you've come to the right place. Don't give up. Talk to us. A lot of awesome members here. My PM inbox is always open too.
 
I'm in a very similar situation to yours. I'm 24, chose a "good" major that I thought my parents would like, somehow convinced myself that I wanted it too, and worked for a couple years until I got fed up and decided to go in a completely new direction. Best decision I ever made.

I know that feeling of being lost after graduating. The moment you realize you were never allowed to make any major decisions in your own life, because you were following your parents' vision of "success," you feel resentful and disoriented. Parents often have a strange way of expressing their love for their children. Many will push their kids to study and do whatever it takes to get a "good" job, in hopes that they'll get to live a comfortable life one day. Which is all very good, but this strategy will backfire if material accomplishment is the only focus and self-expression is denied.

Mine wanted me to go to medical school and become a doctor. For as long as I can remember, that was their plan for my future, and everything they had me do was designed to steer me towards that one goal. When I finally got up the nerve to say no they flipped the f*ck out (to put it mildly). To this day they're still bitter, but knowing that I made the right decision, for ME, more than makes up for their disappointment. So hang in there, because by taking control of your future you've put yourself on the right track. I also guarantee you'll end up meeting a ton of people at your job and also at school. Seriously, you can't avoid them. :)
 
ladyforsaken said:
jayme89 said:
Thank you, that reply is pretty typical for me. I didn't expect help but needed a place to go and vent with hopefully like minds. I'm getting tired of being alone with my own thoughts and not a soul to speak to.

Then you've come to the right place. Don't give up. Talk to us. A lot of awesome members here. My PM inbox is always open too.

Ditto - just what I was going to say as well. Feel free to PM me.
 
Why do you even want to go to grad school? If you don't enjoy the field then what's the point?

You are an adult. Screw your parents. Are they going to be paying off those huge loans for you? If not then they can go fresia themselves. I've wasted a lot of money and energy because of listening to my parents and I will always regret it.

Once you get a job, figure out your finances, move out, and do whatever you want to do with your life.
 
Hi Jayme, its funny how we each experience & view life differently & I dnt mean that in the humourous sense, Im the exact opposite of you but in some ways theres alot of similarity, I was given complete freedom to choose my own path in life & I choose to bypass the academic route & move straight into the workforce, at 17 I went to live with my father & worked my butt off in factorys, warehouses alsorts of labouring jobs never had time for relationships so I missed out on alot socialy & lost contact with friends, Later I tryed to make up for this by going out nights & working days, by the time I was 25 I had thrashed my body & was constantly fatigued due to the physical labour being so intense & working 12-20 hour shifts , my lack of qualifications ment that the only jobs I could get were labour intesive, I made alot of money at a young age but had very little time to spend it & no one to enjoy it with, I sometimes wish I had been pushed & encouraged by my parents to do better academically, I felt like I wasted years of mylife working so hard with little enjoyment, its funny how the grass always seems greener on the other side, I guess we just have to make the best of the paths we choose to take & learn from every experience while traveling them even if its not the path we wanted to be on & maybe if we had someone to walk with, someone to love and encourage us, it might be a more pleasant road to travel, I believe for every person who's hurting and lonely there is a person out there longing to be wanted and needed, hang in there, I know you will find your happiness, all the best!
 
kamya said:
Why do you even want to go to grad school? If you don't enjoy the field then what's the point?

You are an adult. Screw your parents. Are they going to be paying off those huge loans for you? If not then they can go fresia themselves. I've wasted a lot of money and energy because of listening to my parents and I will always regret it.

Once you get a job, figure out your finances, move out, and do whatever you want to do with your life.

I fully agree with you and I'm working on it. Hopefully I can get a job that will utilize my bachelors degree and pay a little more than minimum wage to get me by for the time being. If I do continue on a graduate level it will be in a field I'm interested in. I do feel the need to complete my education because 5 years and $60,000 in debt deserves more that $12-$14 an hour. And the reason I won't make more then this with my what i have is because my degree is similar to pre-med or pre-law so I'm expected to have an actual masters to have a career. What I have right now will get me no where...well not no where, but it'll bruise to my ego and I'll feel like I've wasted time and money. I hope I can save up some money in what ever job I get and actually do some things i want like travel. But like I said, it's the least of my worries at this point. Family love and support is the real root cause of my pain and in ever child is the need for their parents approval. Its easier said then done to say "I'm going to do what I want and f-them if they don't accept it."
 
jayme89 said:
I'm trapped in a lonely, solitary existence that I did not choose.
Perhaps you did not have a choice when you were a kid... But now that you're older you do.
When I was younger, my parents used to travel a lot, all around the country. This meant that I never really got to make many friends, or do much outside of sit at home and play video games, waiting to move again.
As I grew older, I begun to understand that if I wasn't happy in the position I was in, I had to change something about it.

So I moved out.
I was told by anyone and everyone that I couldn't do it. I even told myself I couldn't do it.
But my desire to get away was so strong, that I HAD to do it.
I was trapped in a household where I was permanently told I wasn't good enough. That everything I do is "easy" compared to what my parents used to have to do.
So I left.

This is a choice that you have as well. An uncomfortable one, and one without certainty... But it is a choice. When you become older, you get to make these choices yourself, rather than have them made for you.

jayme89 said:
I’m 6 hours away from home at uni and no one even calls me. If I don’t initiate a conversation it would be at least a month before my phone will ring. It is my mother calling to, “just to see if I’m still alive” as she so jokingly puts it.

I can understand that. I very rarely get called by people to see how I'm doing myself... Sometimes I'll get calls from my parents which I usually don't answer.
However, I do try my best to call others, to make sure that I keep in touch with people. If my phone doesn't ring, I ring others.

jayme89 said:
I’ve literally been a punching bag, a doormat. I was never allowed to have a voice so as an adult I’m now uptight, socially awkward, and don’t know how to be myself around people especially my own family. I don’t even know who “myself” is.

I'm much the same in a lot of regards. I'm a punching bag, especially when in a relationship and a doormat for my friends to walk all over when they need me.
The difference is that I was never allowed to have a voice as a child, so as an adult I make SURE that I'm heard. I did a lot of Public Speaking as a child because my parents would never listen to me, so I made sure others could.
I'm still uptight though, I grew up way too quickly and a lot of people say I'm "boring" and need to "let loose" every once in a while. They're entitled to their opinion, but it doesn't mean it matters. I am who I am. I'm not going to change for them.

Now however, is the perfect time for you to learn who YOU are. You're in a position where you don't HAVE to be told what to do by everyone.
There was a scenario I was told by an internet friend of mine a long time ago... When I had trouble speaking up to my parents about how they'd talk to me.
"You've been thrown in a room and your parents have told you, 'you can't leave this room.' Then closed the door behind them. You know full well it isn't locked. You know that you can leave ANYTIME you want to.
It's up to you to get up and open the door yourself."
This is true. No one can tell you who you are. You tell YOURSELF who you are. Never let your parents or anyone else dictate who you are, or how you live your life because they sure as hell won't be living it.

jayme89 said:
I’ve done everything I’ve been told to do, even through physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my parents, I’m STILL the good daughter who wants to make them proud. My mom told me to go to school and get a job that makes “lots of money” so I can buy my “own house and cars, take care of myself, and travel everywhere. So that’s what I’ve done. I’ve struggled through a major that makes lots of money, which I don’t necessarily enjoy but hope will eventually “grow on me” because all the fields that I enjoyed didn’t “make enough money” to meet my money hungry mothers approval.

To put it simply... Do what you enjoy. Don't do what someone else tells you to do for a career.
I understand that you seek approval from them, and you WANT to make them proud... You can do that in other ways, and it DOESN'T have to involve doing what they say. It doesn't make you a good daughter, it makes you an obedient one.
A good daughter would do what she loves, live a happy, healthy life and SHOW her parents that she can do something awesome. That she can do what SHE enjoys and still earn a living.

I was pressured by my family to going into a job that made a lot of money also.
I got into a job like that.
I made... A LOT of money. Like.. A lot. I was earning upwards of 100,000 before I was 20 selling cigarettes.
My parents were "proud" of me that I was making a good amount of money but I hated the job, and I hated myself for doing it.
I was selling a product that kills people. I was selling a product that I morally hated with every ounce of my being.
Every day felt like a bit of me died.

So I quit.

Just like that.
My parents called me stupid, they said I was an idiot for throwing an opportunity like that away. They didn't understand that I couldn't make money doing something I didn't enjoy. I couldn't grind through life like that, especially when SO MUCH of your life is invested to working, and a profession.
I went and did something else, I work in retail now... I earn a quarter of what I earnt before...
But I'm happy.
I'm doing something that I enjoy doing, AND I can still make ends meet.
Now even my parents respect me for what I've done with myself. I worked my ass off to go from the bottom of the chain and now manage a store. They initially laughed at me and said what I was doing "wasn't a real job" and I'd "never support myself"
I can safely say I've probed them wrong.

Do what you love. Please. Don't be a slave to what your parents, or anyone else wants. You'll thank yourself for it later.

jayme89 said:
So now I’m 3 months from graduating with my bachelors degree and I STILL have to go to graduate school and I don’t even know if I’ll get in since my grades are so low.

Perhaps it's that you don't WANT to get in? Maybe your grades are low because it's something you don't want to do?
I could be entirely wrong, and I'm sorry if I am... But you could definitely get high grades if you wanted to. Anyone and everyone is capable of just about anything when they put their minds to it.

jayme89 said:
Against my mothers wishes I’m taking a year break between because I mentally can’t take going straight to grad school in the fall.

Good. You sound like you've earnt a break. Get your head screwed on straight, take some time off from studying and work on other parts of your life.

jayme89 said:
I’ve been fooled into believing that materials and money are what bring someone happiness in life, but that’s not true.

Amen to this. You only get one life, might as well not waste it on materials or money. They buy you temporary happiness, but it won't get you fulfillment or a spiritual happiness that I think everyone needs.

jayme89 said:
Now I’m 23 and I finally look up from behind the books and I have no friends.

Friends will develop over time. Friends will develop as you throw yourself out there, meet new people and have conversations. If you don't know how, start off small. Small talk shows someone you're interested.
It's something as easy as showing you care. I actually met a close friend of mine because he was sitting down on a bench at a shopping center looking... Well.. Like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, and I asked him if he was okay. That was it.
We talked for a little bit, talked about professions, went on our way.. He came to visit me at work a couple of times, and now we're good friends, catch up everyone once in a while to talk about the life and have a bit of a joke around.

Point is, there's no right or wrong way to make friends, but every person has the ability to do it.

jayme89 said:
I’m $60,000 in student loan debt and expected to take $20,000 more debt on for grad school. AND ALL FOR WHAT!? I have nothing to show for my life! Absolutely nothing.

With nothing to show? Really? First off you're going to have a degree. I only have a diploma so you DEFINITELY have something to show for your life.
That, and you have experience. Experience in anything and everything, whether it's happy or sad. Exciting or traumatizing makes you a better person, makes you who you are and give you a greater insight to the world.
I'm sure you'd have a lot of OTHER things to show for yourself, but you haven't mentioned much else.

jayme89 said:
I guess I’m just expected to be alone with my degrees and money. I haven’t done one thing I’ve wanted to do in my entire life.

You're not expected to do much of anything. You're only expected to do what you want to do.
Other people can lay their expectations on you if they want, but it means nothing unless you want it to.
As I mentioned earlier, you're in a position where you CAN do what you want to do. Do all of those things. You have the rest of your life to do it, and you can DEFINITELY do it.

If you've gone through all of these things, physical and emotional... You're a strong person. That means that you can conquer anything and everything and do whatever you've wanted to do. You want to travel? Do it. Whose stopping you?
You want love and friendship? Go out and get it. You can do ANYTHING you want to do.

jayme89 said:
I’m disgusted with myself. I’m disgusted with my life. My future seems dim and bleak. I used to have so much hope and passion and believe anything was possible, but I have no hope anymore. I’m just so tired.

Wrong. You have nothing to be disgusted about. You've done absolutely nothing wrong.
You shouldn't be disgusted with anything you've done in your life, ever. You've been through a lot in life and you know what that shows me? It shows me that you have character. There's nothing I love more than talking to people who have character.
Your future is far from dim or bleak. You're going to have a degree under your belt with the life experience to go with it. The opportunity and ability to go and do something if all other plans fail.
You have a safety net which a lot of people don't really have. That degree, no matter what it is... Will open doors for you, not close them.
You have an infinite amount of possibilities, with more opening up by the minute.

Get that hope and passion back! Do what you love!
Anything and everything you've ever wanted to do, go do it! A life without hope and passion isn't a life at all. Be damned what anyone else asks or expects of you. If you don't want to do it, just. say. NO.
But first of all, take a break.
I know what it's like to be exhausted, and tired. Take some time out for you. Find out what you want and go from there. Take some time to recouperate and catch your breath.

jayme89 said:
UPDATE: Here and there I do find some hope and things to make me happy but for the most part I feel the same.
I hope everything I've said above still applies to you now.

jayme89 said:
My mother has gotten off my back about grad school and that makes me feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

Great :) That's one problem that has been somewhat mediated.

jayme89 said:
I’ve since reworked my plans and given myself more career options that suit my interest, which makes me feel a little hopeful about my situation education wise.
That's awesome to hear! Use what you've got to your advantage.

jayme89 said:
I graduate in three weeks and the only thing I need to focus on is getting a job.
Congratulations on graduating :) What an achievement. I'm proud of you if that matters at all *Hug*

jayme89 said:
Once I get a job I hope to move out of my parent’s home within 3-4 months.

Do more than just hope. Make it a reality. If I did it, you can do it too. I have faith.

jayme89 said:
I used to TRY to socialize and make friends but its senseless at this point because in a weeks time this will all be over and I’ll be moving back home.

No! D: This is the wrong attitude to have.
You should try and socialize NO MATTER the situation. It's EXPERIENCE you can use for later! Besides, you never know when your friends might move around, or you'll be in a situation where you can meet up again.
It can't hurt to have friends, no matter where they live.

jayme89 said:
The only thing that gives me any kind of high is my newly acquired habit of excessive exercise, binge eating, and purging (aka bulimia).

I'm extremely saddened to hear this.
Excercising is great, but an over-abundance in it isn't great. Especially when coupled with a eating-disorder.
I know that they're extremely difficult to break through, and I doubt there's much I can say to change your mind on this... But I pray that you can give it up. Destroying your body in such a way is not the right way to live life. Your body is a temple, it's the core of what makes you, you.
I hope things improve for you in this regard.

jayme89 said:
I’m hoping it will get better. I’m praying this is just a “quarter life crisis” and excessive anxiety caused by making a new life transition. But I’m not sure. Although lonely, I’m generally a rational thinker but I kinda feel like “F-it!” this time. Where has my rational thinking got me so far?….exactly.

Make it happen. Make whatever changes you want to make, because you're the only one who can. Remember - You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to.
Rational thinking isn't wrong thinking. Don't believe that because you've done something in the past that it's wrong. I'm sure if you looked at it deeper, you'd see that Rational thinking has helped you out a lot more than you think it has. I know it has for me.

I know you have the strength to change whatever you want to... So please make it happen. Make your life everything you want it to be.
 
Wow thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. Just to put your mind at ease and anyone elses, I'm no longer bulimic. Well..at least it hasn't happened in a month maybe and i have no intentions. I was just really struggling back then. And as far as excessive working out..I haven't been able to work out at home period.

I'm finding it really difficult to go out and socialize at all living where I'm living, and having the parents I have. I'm constantly judged and controlled. The only thing I can do is lock myself in my room. And The only way I see to change this is to move out. But that will all depend on if and when I get a job. And i'm working HARD to get one.

I was indeed in a very dark place in april but I'm trying to get some optimism back. Its been hard. I thought I got it back at my graduation, but settling into my parents house has took me back to feeling lonely and depressed. Luckily I have one friend here who I enjoy hanging out with and she seems to enjoy my company. we're both in similar situations being adult children living at home so we try to get out the house here and there. Other then that I haven't been doing anything at all. I'm really working on changing what I can. There's not much I can do until I get a job and move out. So now its all a waiting game. And it sucks.
 
jayme89 said:
Wow thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. Just to put your mind at ease and anyone elses, I'm no longer bulimic. Well..at least it hasn't happened in a month maybe and i have no intentions. I was just really struggling back then. And as far as excessive working out..I haven't been able to work out at home period.

I'm finding it really difficult to go out and socialize at all living where I'm living, and having the parents I have. I'm constantly judged and controlled. The only thing I can do is lock myself in my room. And The only way I see to change this is to move out. But that will all depend on if and when I get a job. And i'm working HARD to get one.

I was indeed in a very dark place in april but I'm trying to get some optimism back. Its been hard. I thought I got it back at my graduation, but settling into my parents house has took me back to feeling lonely and depressed. Luckily I have one friend here who I enjoy hanging out with and she seems to enjoy my company. we're both in similar situations being adult children living at home so we try to get out the house here and there. Other then that I haven't been doing anything at all. I'm really working on changing what I can. There's not much I can do until I get a job and move out. So now its all a waiting game. And it sucks.

I'm glad to hear that you are doing everything that you can to better yourself. You can do it :) It's good to hear that you haven't given up hope. At least you have a friend to hang out with and I'd love to move out too, but I just don't have the finances to do so (I'm also unemployed). Good luck with finding a job (I'm sure that you'll find something eventually). I wish you all the best. :)
 
Yea what happened. It's not just you, it's a bunch of us, we woke up one day and had no motivation. I was suppose to take the LSAT for law school, go for the big law corporations, and I just couldn't. Money? What's money to me? I don't get people like my mother who are angry and sad when their bank account is low and strut around like peacocks when their bank accounts are full. How could you possibly care so passionately about paper? It defines understanding.

Bluh, but those are my thoughts on the absurdities of society & why I have no motivation or purpose, is it the same for you? And do you think your not knowing who you are is tied to wanting to please your parents? I have problems being myself because I'm so busy trying to be everyone else for everyone else. It's annoying.
 
Yonghy said:
Yea what happened. It's not just you, it's a bunch of us, we woke up one day and had no motivation. I was suppose to take the LSAT for law school, go for the big law corporations, and I just couldn't. Money? What's money to me? I don't get people like my mother who are angry and sad when their bank account is low and strut around like peacocks when their bank accounts are full. How could you possibly care so passionately about paper? It defines understanding.

Bluh, but those are my thoughts on the absurdities of society & why I have no motivation or purpose, is it the same for you? And do you think your not knowing who you are is tied to wanting to please your parents? I have problems being myself because I'm so busy trying to be everyone else for everyone else. It's annoying.

I sometimes have the feeling that I'm just doing what others are expecting me to do just to please them, however any other time I just try to do what I think is right. Sometimes I do have to discuss the matter first though to ensure that I am making the right decision.
 
Hearmenow2012 said:
:cool:I sometimes have the feeling that I'm just doing what others are expecting me to do just to please them, however any other time I just try to do what I think is right. Sometimes I do have to discuss the matter first though to ensure that I am making the right decision.

Yea I care deeply about authenticity but sometimes despite myself I'm a complete faker. It's strange, because I couldn't care less what some people think about me, but at the same time Im so worried that they won't like I bend over backwards trying to please them. It makes no sense. So now I'm trying to just be me, and I'm not really finding anything lol. I feel like that Emily Dickinson poem, "I'm nobody, who are you?" Do you have any self-discovery stuff you do? I try the long walks and journaling and stuff, but I come up empty.
 
Yonghy said:
Hearmenow2012 said:
:cool:I sometimes have the feeling that I'm just doing what others are expecting me to do just to please them, however any other time I just try to do what I think is right. Sometimes I do have to discuss the matter first though to ensure that I am making the right decision.

Yea I care deeply about authenticity but sometimes despite myself I'm a complete faker. It's strange, because I couldn't care less what some people think about me, but at the same time Im so worried that they won't like I bend over backwards trying to please them. It makes no sense. So now I'm trying to just be me, and I'm not really finding anything lol. I feel like that Emily Dickinson poem, "I'm nobody, who are you?" Do you have any self-discovery stuff you do? I try the long walks and journaling and stuff, but I come up empty.

That's funny because you basically just described me in a nut shell. Sometimes I pretend to be 'fine' and for the most part I don't let anyone get to me, but like you've said we're still bending over backwards trying to please everyone. I would like for more people to like me and pay attention to me. I agree that you should just be yourself though :)
 
jayme89 said:
Disclaimer: very long

I want to travel; I want to see the world. I want love and friendship and laughter. Those things will make me happy. But I don’t have any of it and don’t know if I’ll ever get it. I keep hearing “one day” …“one day”…“work hard and eventually you can do whatever you want”. It’s so stupid! I’ve wasted so much time; I’ve been tricked and fooled to take the advice of other miserable people. I’m disgusted with myself. I’m disgusted with my life. My future seems dim and bleak. I used to have so much hope and passion and believe anything was possible, but I have no hope anymore. I’m just so tired.

I felt the same. University wasn't a social paradise for me either. It was better than school in the sense that I knew more people, but I had far better/closer friends at school. Also, school sucked for me, so it wasn't that difficult to top. The thing about traveling though, is that it's probably better if you're traveling with someone. I'm a full blown loner with zero friends at the moment, but I wouldn't dare to travel on my own. Living is one thing, but traveling is completely different. I'm just not the type of person that makes friends on the road. ;)

jayme89 said:
Disclaimer: very long

I can create some sort of life outside of academia, which I need now. For many people college is where they’re the happiest and most social, but for me it is actually where I am most lonely and I don’t think I can go through fulltime study like this again.

I would warn you against blaming academia too much. I used to believe that I was at my loneliest during my last year of studying, when I was working really hard to get good marks. I was mistaken. I've experienced a whole different level of loneliness since I started working. My co-workers are all much older than me; they're all married, engaged, or in a relationship; and I've got absolutely nothing in common with them. No friends to be found there. That leaves between 6pm to 11pm. Realistically, what can I do here? Mostly, I'm tired from work and I just want some quiet time, watching tele, listening to music, or just wasting time on-line. Hopefully, this doesn't happen to you! :)

jayme89 said:
Disclaimer: very long
The only thing that gives me any kind of high is my newly acquired habit of excessive exercise, binge eating, and purging (aka bulimia).

...

I’m praying this is just a “quarter life crisis” and excessive anxiety caused by making a new life transition. But I’m not sure. Although lonely, I’m generally a rational thinker but I kinda feel like “F-it!” this time. Where has my rational thinking got me so far?….exactly.

I "like" exercise and good food is great, but quit the purging! Feeling lonely and depressed is punishment enough, don't make things more difficult on yourself by making yourself sick. Yes, you're lonely and alone, just like me and many other people, but maybe we're not meant to be like everyone else. I'm not talking about fate or some divine reason here, but just that we're different. Maybe we're making ourselves even more miserable by comparing ourselves to other "normal" people and trying to emulate them?! I mean, I will never be like some other people and to be honest, I would probably kill myself if I was! :D I'm lonely as hell and I really want a friend, someone who's like me and with whom I have many things in common, but I love my dark, aloof, and somewhat twisted self. It's not my problem if people don't like me, I don't like them either!

You should feel the same. I know it's easier said than done and my mood changes as well, but you sound like a really cool person. Someone who sees beyond all the nonsense of life, all the superficial stuff that is ultimately a waste of time. You're heart and head is in the right place, it's just that many other people's aren't.

P.S. a few weeks ago I told my mom & sis that I was having a "quarter-life crisis". They found this extremely funny and I was sure that I had coined the phrase. I had never heard it before, but it must exist! lol


kamya said:
Why do you even want to go to grad school? If you don't enjoy the field then what's the point?

You are an adult. Screw your parents. Are they going to be paying off those huge loans for you? If not then they can go fresia themselves. I've wasted a lot of money and energy because of listening to my parents and I will always regret it.

Once you get a job, figure out your finances, move out, and do whatever you want to do with your life.

Truer words have never been spoken!
 
Yea what happened. It's not just you, it's a bunch of us, we woke up one day and had no motivation. I was suppose to take the LSAT for law school, go for the big law corporations, and I just couldn't. Money? What's money to me? I don't get people like my mother who are angry and sad when their bank account is low and strut around like peacocks when their bank accounts are full. How could you possibly care so passionately about paper? It defines understanding. Bluh, but those are my thoughts on the absurdities of society & why I have no motivation or purpose, is it the same for you?

YES!!! I'm just so over it! Why do I want to spend all my life chasing money just to be lonely in the end? For me, as long as I can live fairly comfortably, eat, and travel I would be happy. That for me would be a dream. One day, I'd even like to open my own non profit organization in a 3rd world country. Far fetched given my current circumstances? Maybe. Impossible? No. Its my dream and now that I'm seeing slightly clearer I believe I can do it. Unfortunately these loans are holding me prisoner. I didn't take the GRE or even apply to grad school when I was supposed to. I felt nothing. No motivation at all to do it. Almost felt like an outer body experience and finally looking at my life and saying "why are you doing this and what are you doing this for?" If anything it was a scary experience because one day I was 16 full of hopes and dreams, and the next day I was 23, unaccomplished and unhappy. Time really flys and I don't want to spend another yr like this.

And do you think your not knowing who you are is tied to wanting to please your parents? I have problems being myself because I'm so busy trying to be everyone else for everyone else. It's annoying.

I do believe that. I spent years trying to do what my mother pushed me to do, and once I failed at that it was too late to start from scratch so I just chose something that would still be acceptable in her eyes. I stopped dreaming so long ago...I remember writing songs and poetry and daydreaming of being a documentary filmmaker. None of those were "real careers" in my parents eyes. They were things I should only pursue "on the side of a real job." Now..those dreams are gone and even if I decided to pursue them it wouldn't work, because there isn't an ounce of creativity left in my body. Sometimes I hate myself.


I felt the same. University wasn't a social paradise for me either. It was better than school in the sense that I knew more people, but I had far better/closer friends at school. Also, school sucked for me, so it wasn't that difficult to top. The thing about traveling though, is that it's probably better if you're traveling with someone. I'm a full blown loner with zero friends at the moment, but I wouldn't dare to travel on my own. Living is one thing, but traveling is completely different. I'm just not the type of person that makes friends on the road. ;)

I don't think i have any choice but to travel alone if and when I get the chance. If I waited to have someone I could go with, I'd probably be dead before I hit the road.

I would warn you against blaming academia too much. I used to believe that I was at my loneliest during my last year of studying, when I was working really hard to get good marks. I was mistaken. I've experienced a whole different level of loneliness since I started working. My co-workers are all much older than me; they're all married, engaged, or in a relationship; and I've got absolutely nothing in common with them. No friends to be found there. That leaves between 6pm to 11pm. Realistically, what can I do here? Mostly, I'm tired from work and I just want some quiet time, watching tele, listening to music, or just wasting time on-line. Hopefully, this doesn't happen to you! :)

Yeah, i've thought of this happening to me as well. The people around where i live now are all older, so i'll probably be stuck in your same situation. But my mind has changed since then. I wouldn't mind going back to school solely to SEE people who are around my age. Suburbia sucks!

I "like" exercise and good food is great, but quit the purging! Feeling lonely and depressed is punishment enough, don't make things more difficult on yourself by making yourself sick.

I have quit! A while ago! Bulimia is a mental illness and I've suffered from is on and off for some time. I had a brief stint in middle school and I had a brief stint recently. I plan to get help to keep it from ever happening again. Trust me, in no way do I want to glorify it as something thats okay and normal people do. I'm not normal. At all.

Yes, you're lonely and alone, just like me and many other people, but maybe we're not meant to be like everyone else. I'm not talking about fate or some divine reason here, but just that we're different. Maybe we're making ourselves even more miserable by comparing ourselves to other "normal" people and trying to emulate them?! I mean, I will never be like some other people and to be honest, I would probably kill myself if I was!

I really like what you wrote...kinda poetic.

yes, I agree. I've thought something similar on and off for years. I guess its hard to cope with the fact that I really am not meant to be like everyone else. Plus we have this stigma of seeing "different" as "weird or strange" or this person must have something seriously wrong with them. I've never fit in. By the time I got to my 13th birthday I was a social outcast and I doubt it will ever change. People will always have an aversion to me but at least there not putting trash on my head anymore. I guess at this point I should embrace it, but its hard when even the people you live with don't accept you fully.

:D I'm lonely as hell and I really want a friend, someone who's like me and with whom I have many things in common, but I love my dark, aloof, and somewhat twisted self. It's not my problem if people don't like me, I don't like them either!

HA! I'm not a fan of 99% of the people I meet myself.

You should feel the same. I know it's easier said than done and my mood changes as well, but you sound like a really cool person. Someone who sees beyond all the nonsense of life, all the superficial stuff that is ultimately a waste of time. You're heart and head is in the right place, it's just that many other people's aren't.

You're too kind and you're cool too. Glad someone understands me even slightly.

P.S. a few weeks ago I told my mom & sis that I was having a "quarter-life crisis". They found this extremely funny and I was sure that I had coined the phrase. I had never heard it before, but it must exist! lol

I've said I was in quarter life crisis since I was 21 lol. My mom laughed at me as well. But its actually a real thing. There are studies and books on it. you should check it out :)

kamya said:
Why do you even want to go to grad school? If you don't enjoy the field then what's the point?

You are an adult. Screw your parents. Are they going to be paying off those huge loans for you? If not then they can go fresia themselves. I've wasted a lot of money and energy because of listening to my parents and I will always regret it.

Once you get a job, figure out your finances, move out, and do whatever you want to do with your life.

Truer words have never been spoken!

I know and I agree..but its more complex then just moving out. In addition to my parents who act like I'm not supposed to be moving out (although i'm 23), I have 3 very young sisters, who CONSTANTLY make me feel guilty about even the thought of not living at home with them. Its psychologically draining and unhealthy to be my age and have sisters who are 8, 10, and 13 yrs old, because I get treated like I'm one of them and have to even remind myself that I'm an adult and deserve my own life. I can't be a 23 year old in a house with them, but I'm guilted by everyone for wanting to live on my own and be an adult. My dad literally told me I should stay home until I'm 25! This is the same man who every year questions my sexuality and why I don't have a boyfriend! I swear I feel like I'm surrounded by bipolars sometimes!


So now I'm trying to just be me, and I'm not really finding anything lol. I feel like that Emily Dickinson poem, "I'm nobody, who are you?" Do you have any self-discovery stuff you do? I try the long walks and journaling and stuff, but I come up empty.

I wouldn't even know how to start to "discovering myself". I wouldn't know what to write about. I'm constantly alone so you think I would be thinking. But now all I think about is how its all bad. It all sucks. The only hope I have, my only escape, is 2-4 years away. I don't feel I have anything else to discover. I know what I want to do, but none of it can happen now. I'm a slave to the system.


I sometimes have the feeling that I'm just doing what others are expecting me to do just to please them, however any other time I just try to do what I think is right. Sometimes I do have to discuss the matter first though to ensure that I am making the right decision.

Yeah, but what if the only people you have to ask are manipulators? I've learned the hard way to let my parent lead any of my life decisions.


I'm glad to hear that you are doing everything that you can to better yourself. You can do it :) It's good to hear that you haven't given up hope. At least you have a friend to hang out with and I'd love to move out too, but I just don't have the finances to do so (I'm also unemployed). Good luck with finding a job (I'm sure that you'll find something eventually). I wish you all the best. :)

Thank you and I wish you luck as well. Job prospects seem to finally be coming in. One will require me to move out, its the job I really want. *Fingers Crossed*
 

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