Why do you think it's difficult to make friends?

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Lilith

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What factors make it hard to make a friend?

I mean, some people are natural at that while some just don't have the skills?!?! What skills could they be lacking? Why do you think you don't have friends?

Come on let's figure out what's wrong and how to make friends!
 
I worry about what to say. It gets to the point where I worry so much that I start feeling anxious, and I just know people think I'm strange. At best my mind goes completely blank. At worst I'm lucky to get out before I have a full panic attack.

Other than that, I suck at small talk, lack confidence and am too shy and quiet.
 
I have difficulty connecting to people without them understanding me beyond just what they know of me right now. Like my past and stuff. It just creates a disconnect that makes it difficult to imagine being more than just acquaintances.

I also have trouble pushing it beyond just "talk and get along whenever we happen to see each other." Like, making plans, doing stuff together outside of things like college classes. It's difficult enough for me to put myself out there and suggest stuff, but what makes it worse (read: impossible) is that those things almost never work out. They're too busy at the time, or aren't interested, or they agree but the plans fall through for some reason. Never for any malicious reason, or even indifferent reason, just bad luck... except it's always the case.

Almost all of my friends are ones I've made online. Even my best friend in real life I knew online for four years before we realized we only live an hour apart.
 
I think it's usually a combination of trouble reaching out, trouble responding to others, and being too quiet to stand out amidst louder, bolder, and more ideal personalities.
 
thank you for this thread, I love it!
I agree with El Jay, sometimes one's life is really very different from most people's, in the last years I managed (with a good dose of patience) to make friends with people who haven't had the intense experiences that I had, but, well, in general my problems are (actually I am not sure these are my issues, if I knew I would have more friends)

1) like Locke says, sometimes social anxiety kicks in, so my mind goes blank, and if there is a thing that I can say wrong, I will say it

2) To cover social anxiety, for many many years now I make an effort to be more outgoing, and sometimes, especially if I am tired, I push it too far and become really obnoxious, back-slapping, roar-laughing obnoxious (I have been told that is not true, but probably I still do something wrong, because some people do hate me at first sight) and, yes, I was also told that I laugh too much in the wrong moments. Also, when I do that, I feel it is really counterproductive, because that is not really me. Vivacious, yes, boisterous, no.

3) Often I don't listen to people with enough attention or talk too much about myself, sometimes it is because I don't really know what to say and I am nervous, other times it could be that I am just too egocentric (that is a problem, working on it)

4) The main problem is that after the first meeting, where people usually find me pleasant enough, I don't know how to go on, when I was younger it would happen naturally, you tell the story of your life, the other person does too, you laugh at similar things, hate similar things, and there, you are friends. Now it seems that there is a restraint, and also I probably have restraints too, and I don't know where to start to get personal, I feel I have too many problems and that would be a burden to people, and some days these problems are so huge that I don't have much else to talk about.

5) I very very rarely meet people who are similar in tastes, education and attitudes, I guess I am a bit of a weird mix

I feel like this list could go on forever, but I guess I'll stop it here
 
It's not as though you can ask people who are antisocial or don't care for you personally so there's nothing to do but guess.

I fear that everything I say is either, boring, stupid or predictable, as if people can actually see my mind working, my fears, insecurities.

Some people are just reticent and aren't willing to risk looking the fool.
Some believe they have enough friends, as if they have filled some sort of quota.
Some get off feeling superior.

The are no rules of behaviour that you can apply to guarantee that you'll end up with friends.


Peaches said:
4) ... you tell the story of your life, the other person does too, you laugh at similar things, hate similar things, and there, you are friends. Now it seems that there is a restraint, and also I probably have restraints too, and I don't know where to start to get personal, I feel I have too many problems and that would be a burden to people, and some days these problems are so huge that I don't have much else to talk about.

That's what it's like once you're over 30, the pretence of maturity that stops people relating. Typically this is what it's most like in the workplace.
 
In my opinion to make long time friends you have to, among other things, meet the right people.
I'm still waiting, though, so I don't know whether this assumption is right, unfortunately.
 
TheHydromancer said:
In my opinion to make long time friends you have to, among other things, meet the right people.
I'm still waiting, though, so I don't know whether this assumption is right, unfortunately.

There's so many different reasons why it's difficult to make friends, but this is similar to me.
 
My anxiety mostly makes it hard for me to try to meet new friends. It's hard for me to know what to say, I'm usually quiet when I first meet people so I can observe them first. Most of the time I just never meet the right kind of people.
 
I'm a natural introvert, and coupled with my struggles with social anxiety, it's been difficult to maintain many friendships.

Some time ago, I learned that one difference between introverts and extroverts is that each personality type attain their energy differently. For instance, an extrovert gains energy and rejuvenation in social arenas whereas an introvert expends mental energy just to maintain a social front.

On the flip side, introverts tend to gain energy in solitude or with smaller groups of very familiar people because unfamiliar situations increase their stress. However, if an extrovert was in solitude, it would be very irritating as the extrovert needs the constant stimuli of the group dynamic to function. To an extrovert, more energy is expended by being alone, away from the social arena.

I can't speak about extroverts, but as an introvert myself, I feel a tremendous amount of mental stress and strain in social situations unfamiliar to me. Afterwards, it feels like I've had a mental workout and I feel horrible. The worst kind is a party for me is where I don't know anyone. This is one of the most stressful social situations I can imagine, and I avoid these at almost any cost. But while I feel drained after these social moments, I know some people who thrive in these moments and see these situations as energizing.

That's just my take.
 
I have yet to meet people who care enough to stay in contact with me on a consistent basis; even if I try to. Usually I having nothing in common with people other than the fact that we attend the same school, or work together. Once that goes, the "friendship" usually goes with it. Being a socially awkward loner doesn't help either.
 
For me its just utter shyness of approaching people. Other than that I can make friends easily, except I get attached to the wrong "friends" and wind up wishing I never met them.
 
I think it would be hard to make it a mission to make friends. From what I've experienced, it just happens. It's not something you can force.
 
There are some people where I question why they don't have any friends, or seemingly don't, or tell me they don't really have any.

And then... There are people that I know where I completely understand why someone wouldn't like them. Argumentative, sardonic, hateful people that I personally know, and I've decided to keep my distance from them, and no longer care what goes on in their life.
 
There are many reasons. Luck is one of them. But if two shy people are just sitting there, waiting for each other, well, nothing will happen. Take the lead. Seriously, anyone who is able to talk on a forum can do it real life too -- do you have anything to lose?
 
You know how the economy is right? It needs stimulation to continue working as it should be. I think to an extent, it's the same with a lot of things. Many people I know just aren't bothered to stimulate friendship. I used to try and try to talk to certain people I know and once got on with well. But they just grew to lack interest in time. The only time they were/are interested, is when they're unhappy or they've nothing better to do. I now lack interest however. The friendship economy has collapsed :p
 
Gutted said:
You know how the economy is right? It needs stimulation to continue working as it should be. I think to an extent, it's the same with a lot of things. Many people I know just aren't bothered to stimulate friendship. I used to try and try to talk to certain people I know and once got on with well. But they just grew to lack interest in time. The only time they were/are interested, is when they're unhappy or they've nothing better to do. I now lack interest however. The friendship economy has collapsed :p
Same with me. It seems there's usually a lack of interest on both sides at keeping the friendship going.
 

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