when people give mixed messages

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Peaches

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is it worth to call them upon them, or is it better to just walk away and let them doubt?

I hate, hate, hate when people I was close to change behavior without explaining why, so I try not to do the same to others, but this always bites me in the ass.

This guy who behaved like a friend for a year or so but then disappeared last september doesn't chat with me anymore, doesn't help if he hears that I have a problem, never really helped before, but insists on hugging me every time we meet socially, and the last time I just stepped back and refused the hug.

Then, instead of just leaving it like that, I felt bad for him and I sent him a message, how I didn't feel he was a friend anymore and I didn't feel like hugging him, and now he hates me, deleted me from all his contacts etc etc.

If I hadn't said anything and just kept rejecting his hugs would have been 100 times better, but I felt guilty and I had to send him that bloody message. I didn't even want to hurt him, and it just came out wrong, like I was blaming him, while he is allowed to have a (stupid) vision about friendship that doesn't fit with mine.

I don't like to have so many people who hate my guts. :(
 
He stopped being your friend, and than pretended that the friendship was still there and acted like everything was okay. You even emailed explaining that you didn't feel the friendship was there any more, and he reacts by dropping you?!

Maybe there are reasons for his behavior, but if he's not going to bother explaining, it's his fault. You've done nothing wrong. I think calling people out on changes like that is the right thing to do.
 
I'm sorry you're going through all that, Peaches. The thing is, as much as we would like to sometimes (because I know I have), we can't control what others do or how they act. We just kind of have to bite the bullet, go with the flow, and see how things pan out. Perhaps he'll open up to you one day on what he was going through, because you never know... He may have been going through something that left him so completely frustrated that he could have said some very nasty things to you that he would never normally say. I know, personally, I'd rather not talk than to be mean and nasty to people because of certain things I'm going through. I'd rather not take people down with me.

Hugs though, because it's a terrible feeling to have when you think that a person you consider a good friend doesn't care about you.
 
Everyone is different.

I had this friend who basically contacted me whenever he didn't have anybody else to hang out with. Or, if we had made plans, he would ditch on me. I called him out on it in a letter on Facebook, and he did the same thing...doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

I think you shouldn't beat this guy up, or yourself up, for not being on the same page. I did that with my friend, until I realized it was his problem, not mine.
 
I'm not going to offer advice, because I'm the most socially-inept person you could meet, but I'm sorry you lost your friend over this. Surely, if a friendship is genuine then you should be able to raise issues like this without being completely blanked?
 
It'll certainly be worth it when/if two or three other people tell him he's a poor friend.
 
Locke said:
He stopped being your friend, and than pretended that the friendship was still there and acted like everything was okay. You even emailed explaining that you didn't feel the friendship was there any more, and he reacts by dropping you?!

Maybe there are reasons for his behavior, but if he's not going to bother explaining, it's his fault. You've done nothing wrong. I think calling people out on changes like that is the right thing to do.

well, he insist that everything remained the same, and doesn't acknowledge that he went from three/four chats per week to zero in the weeks after he got this girlfriend, more than six months ago, then he said that he was always there (not true) then he got angry because he says I made him the bad guy, but I didn't, I just said it wasn't enough for me.

VanillaCreme said:
Perhaps he'll open up to you one day on what he was going through, because you never know... He may have been going through something that left him so completely frustrated that he could have said some very nasty things to you that he would never normally say.

Well, what he was going through was that he got a girlfriend and was happy, so he didn't need me anymore for confidence or company. The worst thing is that the only message I got from him in more that six months was this drunken message at 4am saying how he would really kiss me if he could, talk about mixed messages (and what about the girlfriend?!).
Thank you for the support, since the other day I am really depressed, because I didn't see it coming and I thought he cared about me, and on top of what happened I am beating myself up for being too sensitive.
 
Peaches said:
Well, what he was going through was that he got a girlfriend and was happy, so he didn't need me anymore for confidence or company. The worst thing is that the only message I got from him in more that six months was this drunken message at 4am saying how he would really kiss me if he could, talk about mixed messages (and what about the girlfriend?!).

What a dink. Don't worry, he doesn't hate you, he's just trying to punish you (by deleting you, being unavailable, etc.) or something else that's lame. Why? Because he doesn't care about your feelings. Why? Cuz he's a dink, that's why.

Actually I'll elaborate on this: the dude doesn't sound happy. Like, he's with someone and emotionally cheating on her. So he texts you and thinks that there would be so consequences for his actions? Why would he do that except to get attention and/or mind-fresia with you? Confused people do confusing things. (want to hug you one day then detach from you the next, instead of saying something half-decent like "Do you still want to be friends?" "How can I make it up to you?" "Yeah, we should hang out, I've been away from my friends too long..." "I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable") Be glad that he is out of your life. He's not interested in being friends with you, so why would you want him in your life anyway?
 
It is unfortunate that you are going through something like that Peaches. I think that is is unfair for him to just ditch you as a friend like that and then to claim that he wants to kiss you (when he's drunk) and he already has a girlfriend. That is despicable. You are better off without him. I hope that you'll come out the other side a better person :)

There is a woman that I thought that I was best friends with. We have been friends for over 10 years and at least 1 and a half years ago she started flirting with me by text and we arranged to meet up several times, however she would always cancel at the last minute and then I wouldn't hear from her for months at a time. I can't believe that she could do this to me (what does she have to gain from it?). I'm just going to have to forget about her, but it hasn't been easy.
 
Sorry you had to go through that, Peaches. Maybe he'll come to his senses, realize that blaming you is selfish, and apologize. If he doesn't you're better off without him. The guy sounds like a manipulative jerk, and if he keeps acting like that he'll lose everyone. But its his problem, not yours. None of it was your fault.
 
all i can say is you seem like a gentle soul and your heart was in the right place, you never ment any malice and i've had things before i've agonized over how they sound and such and made it worse but a good while after i think 'they wouldnt have cared this much about my feelings and i was only trying to be a good person' he didnt talk to you for a long time and YOU STILL CARED ABOUT HURTING HIS FEELINGS what im trying to say maybe is that alll the way though you were a caring empathetic person and that's all that counts in the end, you may feel like this was a big mess up but i dont think it was, you just tried your best not to hurt the feelings of someone who to be fair had disregarded yours for some time.

just from my view....you tried your very best to be a good person and to me that's how i measure your success in dealing with that situation and you did great*hugs*
 
thank you Simhthmss! That is a very good point, I will try to remember it when I am really depressed, even if just the other day I was thinking is not much of a consolation trying to be a decent person when everyone forgets about you in five minutes...
 
well,you remember it we remember...your soul does and i certainly believe our acts later good or bad have an effect on or life. *hugs*
 
Do you initiate contact with him (which is now being ignored), or was it him always contacting you?
 
before the final events it was him more often than me, he really made a very good counterfeit of a friend, at least superficially.
Something I learned now: (I want to share it for common wisdom) if someone is good at something and won't help you with something he or she is good at - for instance, a computer guy knows that you are freaking out because your computer is broken but doesn't offer help and when asked pulls back, or for instance a tennis player won't play with you or give you tips, those people are not your friends. Easy.

Talking about another one who pulled a similar trick in the last month (only this time I could see it was the loser approach "let's fake and be friends and see what I can get", so last week I just gave up on him, but it hurts), another tip: when someone - someone who is NOT on ALL or a therapy group - overshares about their life, and somehow pushes you to share more than you would want by asking direct questions, writes you very often but do not want to spend their time with you, run away, unless you have a lot of time to lose, because they want something specific from you, and if they don't get it one day they will just disappear.
There was a thread about how to describe a loser, at first I thought "no one is a loser" - I was wrong: that kind of guys can only be described as "losers".
 

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